Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it abuse?

parents fighting

I have been married for 10 years, and from the beginning my husband has had anger issues. He becomes explosively angry at seemingly small things like over or under salting the food, household messes, the kids not liking the dinner I've prepared, etc. He yells A LOT. When he gets angry, he uses curse words, routinely calls me fat, lazy, and stupid. He calls our children stupid to their faces. He makes us cry. He has thrown things in anger, breaking things and has smacked the kids on the arm or back when they don't understand their homework or don't clean their rooms.

He doesn't work, stating that he is too sick to work. But he can go out at night to have coffee with his friends and travel to his country for months at a time. I work full-time outside the home, pay for everything, and do all the cooking and cleaning. As you can imagine, I'm often tired at the end of the day, and cooking and cleaning are not my favorite things to do after working all day and commuting back and forth to work. Yet, he constantly complains about the house being messy and food not being cooked. He says things like I'm too lazy to clean the house, all while he has spent the day on the couch watching TV, on Facebook, and napping.

He controls my money and when I say it's my money and if I want to buy lunch I can, he yells at me for saying it's mine. He firmly believes that I must obey him and that we share everything. He opens a lot of credit cards in his name and says it's because we need extra money, but then I'm the one who has to pay for it.

To complicate all o of this, I recently confessed to him that I converted to Islam the year after we got married to please him, and that I struggled to practice because I mentally linked Islam with his behavior and came to believe that Islam was all about obeying the husband and giving up all my rights. This sent him over the edge. I am now really practicing and trying to find Islam as MY OWN, rather than the religion of this angry man I married. I have asked him to go to the imam for counseling, and he refuses. He says there's nothing wrong with him, that I am just too sensitive and that I've taught our daughters to be too sensitive too.

He won't let me share any of this information with my (non-Muslim) family or his (Muslim family);  and he believes that if I bring in outsiders, it is haram. He has told me again and again, usually after a really big fight, that he'll change. But he always, always, always cycles back to the negative behavior. I am generally a happy person, who tries to just live life to please Allah and bring joy to my kids. But he seems to be a very negative person, spewing toxic speech every time he opens his mouth. He prays and sometimes reads Quran, but then it turns into him chastising me for not memorizing a lot of surahs and not fasting (I've been told by two doctors that I cannot fast because of the debilitating migraines and anemia, but he claims I'm just too lazy and fat to stop eating).

He rarely sits down with us to learn about our religion, and when he does, it always ends up with him telling us how stupid we are for not being able to understand Arabic. I've done everything I can think of to make him happy. I've signed him up for classes to help him get a job and he doesn't go. I do my best to keep up the house as much as I can, but when I'm working all day, it's not ever going to be perfect as long as I am the only one doing anything. He says things like the woman should stay home, but then doesn't give me any option but working.

I've told him in no uncertain terms that I'm done with this and will take him to the court to get custody of our kids. He then said that a wife should never talk to her husband like that and that I'm hard-hearted for thinking like that. But I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of spending my life crying, defending my husband's behavior to family/friends who see his angry outbursts, and I'm tired of my children now understanding that he is a mean, angry man. They don't even want to be in the same room with him anymore; their behavior changes drastically when he's around.

We love it when he leaves the country because we feel free to relax. We don't have his anger, his complaining. We can do fun things like read books (he says we shouldn't waste our time on reading, unless it's Quran). We can do art projects and paint (he says it's a waste of time to do these things). We can get a halal hamburger and sit outside and enjoy lunch (he says we shouldn't spend money on stupid things and it's better for us to stay inside). We can spend time with my family (he says they are dirty, stupid, lazy kuffar and that his children shouldn't be around them); my sister is the one who picks up the kids from school, buys them clothes, and takes them to museums and the park while he's at home watching TV or sleeping.

What do I do? I

(Instead of cheering our kids on at soccer, he calls them fat and stupid and swears that I should never send them to soccer again because one of my daughters is too fat to play and the other too stupid.) He has his good moments where I think I might be able to overlook his negativity, but then the yelling and name calling starts again and I'm convinced I've got to get out of this marriage. Please help.

-kristenmiller


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7 Responses »

  1. Seems like your husband is taking advantage of you. No father in their right mind will say fat, ugly abuse to their childrens face. The only reason he does that probably his parents did the same.

    you know children are very sensitive. To the children parents are like their world, if the father says abuse to the child who suppose to be a pillar of support, it will have an impact on them. The childen will grow up thinking they are fat and ugly just because of the fathers words.

    your sister buys the children clothes, picks them from school? Yet has the nerve to call them kuffar? He is pathetic useless. Personally i think you should leave him as you said he says he will change but doesnt the cycle continues.

    Dont you nor your children suffer any longer. Taking care of the kids is like a full time job. Its hard plus you work and cook/clean. 10 years of suffering is long enough. Dont put up with it.

    peace..

  2. Sister, you work, clean, cook, take care of the kids.....and what does he do?

    This is definitely abuse. I think you need to have a good chat with him about how you are feeling...

    Ie. unhappy, and need respect immidiatly...no more name calling and yelling. No more belittling the kids. Pick up after yourself when you are home and make dinner a few times a week since you are home. Have a better relationship with your children and spend time with them in a positive way, they are scared of you and don't like you!

    And sister, punish him when he crosses the line and disrespects you. By punish I mean do things to get him to understand you are really upset. Every man has his thresh hold. For example, my husband can't stand silent treatment and knows he has done something very serious when I am silent with him. I am sure your husband has this point of understanding, you would know after 10 years.

    Also, since he doesn't work, it's not his money. Whatever a woman earns it's hers, and it's his responsability to make money. It's good to share, but he can't be a freeloader either.

    If you are not happy tell him he has a few weeks to shape up or you can move out or he will...and have to be on his own because this is not a marriage and you are seriously unhappy. But only say this if you truly mean it.

    If he tries to hit you or your children do not be afraid to call the police and report him,do not be afraid of him sister, he is just man. Stand up for yourself and assert your rights. Don't let this man use you. Do not let him use words against you, when he insults you get angry and stand up for your self and your girls and don't let his words make you weak sister.

    And most portably ask Allah to help you my dear, make dua and prAy iistikhara about what to do. Allah knows what we do not, and he is the most powerful.

    May Allah make things easy for you my sister.

  3. Salam sister,

    What exactly is the purpose of that man in your life?

    You do all the housework, look after the kids and work and pay all the bills. All he is doing is having a free ride and abiding you and the kids at the same time. He is an non paying tenant. Just using you. Im sure you know that now.

    If you do nothing the rest of your life will continue like this!! Anger management problem is not an excuse to treat you and kids like this and put all responsibilty of you.

    Get your elders involved and his relatives. Tell him to get off his backside and start working! You will not be paying for his food and shelter. He needs to man up and take his responsibilties at once, or else you will leave him for good. Tell him you had enough! Leave your emotions aside and be firm. Talk to him about the abuse. Tell he has to stop and maybe attend anger management class's. tell him its not on!

    Suggest that he stays with his relatives while he sorts out a job and deals with his anger problems. Tell him to attend Islamic marriage lectures so that he knows the responsibilties and duties of a father and a husband. Once his actions and speech are like a loving and responsible husband and father ( which means no abusive language and working to pay bills) then you will let him back into your house and work on him further!

    You have to take a strict action now sister. This is the only way to deal with these men! You have to let him experience hardship and having no family, if he loves you then He will realize how much you did for him and how much his family mean to him then Insha Allah he will come back to the right path. But you have to be hard on him to make him relize his faults. Being kind and talking will not resolve anything. Things have gone too far for too long,words will be useless! Being a doormat will make him more powerful and he will abuse you and kids further.

  4. Aoa sister. This man is having an easy ride and you need to put a stop to it. As a husband he has rights over you but as a wife you also have rights over him. It seems he is mentally and emotionally torturing you which is not acceptable. the questions you need to ask is is this a good environment for your children and is this where you want to be 10 years from now? It seems there is no effort from him to improve. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. He is only seeking pleasure for himself and is not showing any signs of empathy or care towards you and the kids. Do you think that he might improve in the future? If you have exhausted all possible routes to make things work then you really have to think hard about what you want to do for your future. To me this does not sound like a healthy marriage especially if you and your kids feel happy when he is gone. this brings back so many memories.Growing up my father was abusive to my mother and i remember we used to feel happy when he was gone from home and wished for him to go away. As kids this was not a healthy environment for us and i ended up marrying an abusive man. Because i was so used to this sort of environment i felt it was ok to live like this. This will have an impact on your children in the future. I ended up full of anger hate negativity and socially isolated. THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOUR CHILDREN so sister please i advise you to take a step now and do whatever you need to do make a change.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    What this guy is doing to you and your children is wrong, and I would say it definitely counts as abuse.

    If you wish to try to salvage your marriage, then you could try having him leave for a period of time so he can get counselling and learn what it means to be a Muslim husband and father. This would involve him actually wanting to change, though, and from what you've written, he doesn't sound like the sort of man who would agree to do this.

    In your post, you say that you're convinced you need to get out of this marriage. To be honest, I agree with you. This guy is abusive and taking advantage of you, and continuing to stay with him is unlikely to do anything other than cause you and your children more distress.

    Your family seem supportive, Alhamdulillah. I'd advise you to enlist their help, and for you and the children to leave this man to face the consequences of his own actions. Don't rush into it, though - make sure you are prepared and have made arrangements to protect yourself and your family. For example:-
    - If you are concerned about your husband possibly taking the children away from you, speak with a lawyer about an injunction to prevent him doing this, and file for sole custody as part of divorce proceedings. Islamically, a father has the right to have access to his children, but your husband is abusing the children, and my understanding is that this invalidates his rights to have custody. He can have access to them through legally protected channels and if and when he changes his ways, custody arrangements could be reviewed then.
    - Make sure that you have a good lawyer with knowledge of Islamic law as well as knowledge of the law of the country in which you live, so that you can file for an Islamically sound divorce. My opinion would be that you should have valid grounds for khula, given your husband's behaviour.
    - Have your finances sorted so that you can move your money into your own accounts as soon as you leave. It is not a woman's duty to support her husband financially, so he will just need to learn to live within his own means.

    This guy's actions are far from the straight path - abusive behaviour, taking on debt (credit cards, etc), refusing to support his family... May Allah protect our sisters in Islam from such men, and may He guide this man back to the straight path.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. OP: He doesn't work, stating that he is too sick to work. But he can go out at night to have coffee with his friends and travel to his country for months at a time.

    I hope you don't pay for his travel to his country. Are you sure he does not have another woman in his country?

  7. Sister,

    How can your husband call you fat and lazy when he is the one laying on the sofa all day? Do you know that per Islam your husband has an obligation to provide for you and your children? Where does he get off thinking he can just spend his days doing nothing?!

    In my book, you have done far too much for way too long and it is time for your husband to take a reality check. First off...your money is your money. Per Islam he is not entitled to any of it. None. If you choose to give him some, that is your prerogative however, he has no right to any of it. If he wants to open up endless credit cards in his name, that is fine. However, you let him get off the sofa and earn the money to repay them! You my dear must get a backbone and get one now. Your husband tells you how to spend your money, disrespects you constantly and is emotionally abusive of you and the children. Who needs to put up with that?

    Your husband may be the man of the family but he isn't acting like one. You need to take a stand for you and those kids of yours and tell him enough is enough. The reality is, he has gotten comfortable being a couch potato and expecting you to be Wonder Woman. Your husbands behavior is appalling and you deserve better from him. You are the bread winner for your family and he is taking full advantage of the situation.

    Decide how you want to go forward and sit down with your husband and discuss everything with him that you have written here in this post. Tell him that you will no longer tolerate his verbal disrespect of you and the children. No more. He is to get a job. It is not a request...it is a must. You control your money. Period. If he has nothing nice to say...don't say anything at all. As he sits there in disbelief with his mouth hanging open...you make sure you cover all the bases you need to. Your marriage can work but it is a two way street. God willing your husband will make a concerted effort to be the man of the house and provide for his family like Islam intended him to do.

    Good luck to you and your family.

    Salam

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