Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it allowed for me to have to stay with my inlaws?


Assalam o ALaikum

I got married last year in October,after one month my husband went back to Europe as he is settled there. My visa is also applied for, and I am passing through the waiting time given by the embassy. My husband decided that I will stay with his family in this time period. His family is a joint family system, so all the brothers and their wives are living together.

Due to the absence of my husband I am not feeling comfortable with my inlaws, because I have hesitation, whenever I need something I can't say anyone for that.

I have heard that it's not permitted in Islam to live with your inlaws without your husband, is it true? I am so confused.



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11 Responses »

  1. Wa Alaikumus-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh sister,

    Islamically, it is the right of the wife upon her husband, to offer her a separate home. He has no right to decide for her to live with his mother or his family, even if he was around, let alone when he's traveled, and plus the availability of many doors of fitnah with living in such joint family homes, such as interacting with non-mahrams--this go against the teachings of Islam, as it reduces shyness and modesty, and may also lead to other worse fitnah.

    I think you should come to agreement with him that either he offers you your own house/apartment near your family home, or you go to stay with your family (where you were living before he married you), till whenever the visa becomes ready. The best way to do this is to involve your parents--let your father or wali comes to terms with him about it.

    Hope this helps, and Allah knows best.

  2. Just do what your husband told you to do. Tell your husband you hesitate in asking for things you need. How long do you have to wait for the Visa. A request to live away from the family or live with your parents may be misinterpreted and cause bigger problems. Your in-laws should try to make your life comfortale. I agree with comment by Isaah regarding Fitnah. These kind of things do happen, but in some cultures like that of Pakistan a girl is expected to live with in laws in absence of her husband.

    • Is it not allowed for a woman to have a mind of her own? Why should she have to just do what her husband tells her to do? Is she just a slave to a husband without a mind? She is a woman not a child. She has rights to her own home. If she is uncomfortable she has rights to have her own home or go back to her parents. That is not fair if her husband just leaves her alone with his family. This happens often men marry their wives and expect them to be slaves to the husbands family even brother in laws, when this is clearly haram and a woman should not have to serve and live with non mahram men. She has rights and should assert those rights in Islam .

      • In pakistan women are not allowed to have a mind of their own. They are suppose to serve their husbands and in laws with a perky smile and not have anything such as feelings or emotions 🙂 this is the islam of pakistan...they dont undertsand or follow the rights of women and have made up rights for men. Theres rules of islam and then theres rules of islam pakistani version. Hope that makes things clear 🙂

        • awaitingdeath: Things are not better in many other Muslim countries. Men make the rules.

          In some Muslim countries horrible things are done to girls in the name of female circumcision to keep them from enjoying sex.

          It is hard for Muslims from Western countries to understand Pakistani culture. I made suggestions keeping in mind the girl may not get herself in trouble by asking to stay alone or with parent's. This may create a suspicion in the mind of in laws or her husband she is doing this because she has a b/f or wants one.

          Men control every thing. In May 2007 Dr. Izzat Atiyya, lecturer at Cairo's Al-Azhar University, issued a fatwa that suggested that male and female colleagues could use breastfeeding to get around a religious ban on being alone together. The fatwa said that if a woman fed a male colleague "directly from her breast" at least five times they would establish a family bond and thus be allowed to be alone together at work. "Breast feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage," he ruled. "A woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed."

          Thank God, the fatwa sparked outrage and embarrassment, with critics deriding the author on Egyptian television.

        • Awaiting, your words are very true! Conveniently rules of Islam are upheld or discarded depending on the situation (although this happens everywhere, in Pakistan it is an extreme). Many men and women there do not value the person, but rather the position of that person. For example, on one hand the value of a wife can be very little or next to nothing because she is female. On the other hand, however, the value of a mother or a sister is above all else because she is a female in a valuable position. Similarly, the value of a son-in-law is very high in comparison to the value of a brother to a wife/daughter-in-law--again. It isn't that all men are over-valued or women are under-valued, but rather their position/relation in connection to other relationships is what is constantly weighed. Both men and women continually contribute to this dangerous cycle of thinking. It is very depressing.

          Some women, who happen to be professionals, may be respected in their field at work, yet a woman's in-laws and/or other relatives will never acknowledge her capacity to make a wise decision even if she is making life-saving choices at work. The dichotomy of treatment is incredible.

          To the OP:

          I agree with what Br. Issah has written above. However, I acknowledge that not living iwth your in-laws could jeopardize your marriage as it is a regularly practiced expectation of women living in Pakistan to live with their in-laws. I advise you to tread carefully and stand firmly on your decision once you have made it. Understand that it is your right to live in your own place and that you cannot be forced to live with your in-laws especially when your husband is not there. Whatever educated choice you make, try not to have regrets because it is never easy to exercise one's rights.

          May Allah strengthen your relationship with your husband, Ameen!

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    If you don't wish to live with your in-laws, you don't have to - you have the right to have private accommodation. We need to be careful to observe appropriate limits with brothers-in-law (and brothers need to be careful to do the same with their sisters-in-law) - as Br Issah has said, there is a risk of fitnah.

    Maybe talk with your husband and ask him why he has suggested that arrangement. It could be that he has thought it would be nicer for you or more reassuring for you to be in that environment - so explain why you feel uncomfortable about it. Think about alternatives. For example, could you stay with your parents or a sibling?

    You don't have to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, but if you don't tell your husband what you want, he won't know how to change things... so you need to tell him how you feel and what you want.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • If she's not comfortable with her in-laws what is the point of asking questions and having a debate with her husband about her living situation? I very much doubt her husband's answers will make her more comfortable in a house full of random people and non-mahrams. I can't imagine what woman, especially a Muslim one, WOULD be comfortable living in such a household.

      To the OP:
      Your Islamic right is to have your own living space, and that's the only home your husband can demand you stay in. I would suggest you move back in with your family, if they are willing to let you stay with them. The thing is, now that you are married they might not see it as their responsibility to put a roof over your head and provide for you. But you never know until you ask. You can even tell your husband to give you a bit of money so you can help your family buy groceries, for instance.

      • My experience with my ex husband was that the family do not think of a brother in law as a non mahram in Pakistan. Wives are suppose to serve brother in laws as well and it is considered their Islamic duty to serve brother in laws as well , with a joint family system. Women are expected to serve all the husbands male friends as well if they come live with the husband and the wife has no right to reject men friends from living in her home. I had a difficult time with this as well as my husband was physically violent so finnaly I left and got divorced and I am much happier to be out of that system. They truly view this as Islamic laws and the Islamic way. My brother in law told me he was my mahram and he considered me a real sister. Wives are expected to always serve male guests at all hours . Their only role is to serve and clean. Although some are professionals . My husband even had me living with his male friends for awhile telling me everyone is brothers for me in Pakistan. It was a shock as I thought Islamic laws would be strict about women and men or gender relations. So it is true that Pakistan has its own version of Islam.

  4. Merva: My husband even had me living with his male friends for awhile telling me everyone is brothers for me in Pakistan. It was a shock as I thought Islamic laws would be strict about women and men or gender relations. So it is true that Pakistan has its own version of Islam.

    You mean your husband invited his friends to live in your home or he left you alone with his friends. In a society like Pakistan most women even can't complain if she gets raped. A woman can be punished for committing Zina if she reports she was raped. She may even be killed by her family because rape brought shame to her family.

    • My husband would leave me alone with them and I would lock my room. This is completely unislamic but my husband enjoyed his men friends and seemed to not know Islam and he completely trusted his male friends. As you said a woman can not even complain of rape and this is horrible. Thank Allah I divorced this man as no woman should be treated so horrible. When women are slaves to men this is not Islam but cruelty and brutality towards women.

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