Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it ever going to be alright?

Unhappy marriage

I got engaged to my boyfriend 10 months ago, we both belong to different countries, earlier we had a breakup due to parents not accepting but then after 6 months of trying he convinced his parents and proposed. We recently are facing a lot of problems in fact the same problems we had prior to our engagement.

Before we took a step to get engaged we discussed about the times we weren't together, there was a time when he went on a educational trip to a country for a month and made friends (people from different countries), upon clearing he did not accept my friendship with certain people whom I had friended only within a month, so I applied the same to him. I had cleared to him I do not like you interacting with those people whom you met on trip as it reminds me of the times you left me and got drunk with them and went clubbing (I had also gone clubbing but never got drunk, I do regret it), he agreed to me and said I'll not be in touch with them.

As time passed he started adding them all on social media, we had many arguments about it and at the end he would delete his social medias, until now I was thinking its cos he understands what I feel, that phase when we were not together he was with them drinking, smoking playing the fool. It hurts when the memories come back and although more it hurts to see his pictures still with them getting drunk on social medias. For him I stopped talking to really good friends including girls just cos he didn't like them and I didn't want to remind him of the past and I never looked back at them.

Whenever I try to make him understand he doesn't, instead he will make the situations all on me, For a months friendship he forgot the 4yrs I gave him. And the worst part is what ever I don't like and he knows it still he does it more, it kills me even more. He will say I am with my parents and can't msg you but then I see him uploading  pix on social media and I am fool. I'll run to him even if I am taking my last breath. Whatever he says he will not do he although more does it, he never keeps his words. Anything I say he acts to it like I am nothing, his favorite dialogue is "I am the man not you, you are not supposed to ask me questions I am supposed to", I never ruled over him he just says it everytime I tell him anything.

Since we are from two different countries and we decided for a future together I expect his support the most but he clearly says the kind of support you want I can't give you..

Whom do I share my feelings with? I made the decision went against my parents even though they accepted they still wished the boy to be of our nationaly. I really don't remember when was the last time he understood me and any of the point I took out came in my support.

I always talk to him in a good way calm way even if it's not my mistake and I am hurt but he always puts it's up like I did wrong and when ever I say something which bothers me he will end up screaming and fighting and make the whole thing as I did wrong, he would hang up and ignore my calls then and talk less, even when I say baby or please he says you're speaking in a rude way, so what is the correct way?

He wants me to learn his culture but how will I if he doesn't share with me? If he doesn't like something I expect him to say it in a good way and of course I'll change it, as i am going to go into his house and I need to follow his culture, he wont say anything and when there is a point I raise he will say you did this you did that? How will I know what's right to you and wrong cos what's right for me is always wrong for him so isn't it better he shares? And I will get a reply saying it's better I see what you do. For me it's Ok to talk to my cousin brothers, my parents won't have a problem as we grew up together and share a great bond, but to him it's called cheating. I always take the initiative to speak and sought out things even of its his fault but he says its cos I am guilty.

I am tired of this behavior I feel pain I feel bad for myself why does he do this? And feel nothing! Why is a women meant to just bear pain? Why men don't understand emotions?
Please help with your advice.


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2 Responses »

  1. Why are you with this guy? Really ask yourself that question putting aside your feelings of love for him. This is a person who, by your own admission, lies to you about where he is and who he's with, refuses to acknowledge or respect your feelings about his behavior, seeks to isolate you from friends and family, and demands that you conform to the expectations of his culture even though you have not said that he makes any effort to learn about your culture. Any one of those reasons alone would be enough to call off this engagement. Together, they make me wonder why on earth you got involved with this person in the first place.

    You mention that you used to go clubbing and now you regret that behavior. I don't want to make assumptions about you, but I think given that information you may want to take a hard look at your priorities in life. If you turn to Allah and make Islamic principles your focus when you take decisions, inshallah you will develop a stronger sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

    Ultimately, you decide how people treat you. Value yourself, seek Allah's guidance and don't let this man make you his doormat.

  2. You ask if it is ever going to be alright and te answer is no probably not. Your relationship with this guy is completely haram you have been tempted by satan over and over again and you have continued to be this guy. This is the result of a haram relationship: tears, stress, anger, fights, negativity and most of all loss of self respect. This guy is completely degrading u, you are changing yourself to please him and he has you as a little puppet. You need to sort out your intentions make the changes you have made but make them for the right reason for allah swt not a guy who is using u as he pleases.

    Also if a guy has to EVER persuade his pArent for that long to accept u there is a high chance you will struggle with your in laws after marriage. I don't know what is so appealing about him he drinks goes clubbing abuses u verbally argues with u. You are in a habit of talking to him and him being in ur life and you probably think he is good for u or u can change him but why? Why don't u want someone who is already how u want them why do u need him who you will have to change?

    My advice is it to leave him and Break off contact he might not even bother contacting u to see why you haven't talked to him but either wAy you need to leave him. Your parents love you and want what's best for you listen to them because it isn't this guy. You'll miss him but it's the best way you need to move on with your life and pray for a better person to come along. Use your energy towards islam and stop wasting your time.

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