Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it love or just lust?

broken heart


I really want to talk to someone who is mature and experienced or someone who understands what situation I come from. I'm too shy or afraid to talk to my parents about this because they are so paranoid about me losing my virginity or something that they react in a very very aggressive way, so I'm never going to talk to my parents about this.

I'm 20 years old and in 2nd year of university, I try not to talk to a non-mahram unnecessarily and dress modestly, I'm fearful of Allah (SWT) and pray, read and study The Holy Quran. I wasn't a very practicing Muslimah last year or years before that. It all happened this year (Alhamdulillah) when I met a guy.

When I started university (19 years old) one of my relatives, he confessed that he loves me (online) and he was serious about it, he was saving money to come ask for my hand(He didn't want to talk online much, or meet in private), I liked him too but (I wasn't a really serious person back then and was talking to several non mahram boys without feeling guilty) and never took him seriously, I thought he was just another flirty friends I had. but he was serious.

Eventually he found out that I'm not serious and that I talk to a lot of boys and I don't dress up very modestly. He politely asked me to dress properly, not to talk to non-mahram and not to post my pictures online. Now, from the point of view I had at that time, he was oppressing me and those feminist media sayings were crossing my mind. I avoided talking to him for a while although I really liked him but my stubbornness didn't let me do what he wants.

We didn't talk after that, one week past and it bothered me that he didn't apologize, So I reflected on what I did and researched and read so many Islamic websites and read these question and answers, listened to lectures and before I realize it,I was praying 5 times a day on time and reading the Quran and looking for the translation and found how beautiful my religion is.
Every time I found something new about Islam I regretted the fact that lost someone like him because everything he said was right.

I became depressed after 2 months but decided to stay patient, thinking if Allah SWT wants us to be together he will make a way. and here i am waiting for 8 months and desperate for an answer. I've done  Salat-ul-Istikhara couple of times but confused about the result. I've actually felt my feelings got stronger for him but I don't know about how he feels now. He is a very good looking person with good character and is religious but isn't in a good financial state.

I really want to marry him because I know he will help me stay focused on my Deen and the Akhira(which my parents failed to do.), but I don't know if I should message him(because I know the cursed shaytaan is the third party when a girl and boy are alone), I don't want to tell my parents because they won't understand, they will get mad at me and probably kill the guy or get me married asap to another man if this doesn't work out. I want to solve this with him because I'm confused.

Is it wrong if I message him just to tell him that I've changed and that I'm serious about marriage now?
Or do I just leave it up to Allah SWT and move on?


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1 Responses »

  1. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    First of all, I commend you for striving to be on the right path, mashaAllah--may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala help you and us all.

    As to your question regarding the brother, if you really think his deen and character are good, and that he is the right man for you, then I'd advise you to talk to a trusted person in the family who is close to him, to mediate between you--this is if you feel like approaching your parent directly at this moment won't help much... Yet, who knows, perhaps your parents could also change their thought about him and accept him, just like the way you did. But if you think the mediation process might be difficult for some reasons, then message him with ONLY a short note, informing him of your current situation, and that you are glad and grateful to Allah for the Guidance, and that if he is still interested in marriage with you, then he could approach your family in the appropriate islamic way whenever he is ready, inshaAllah. That's all.

    One important fact you should bear in mind is that, just the fact that he came accross your life, doesn't mean that he is the one that Allah Has for you--perhaps he was there only to be the reason for you to think about your deen. Nothing more. So be ready to accept whatever Allah Has for you, even if it goes against your desires in the brother. Allah is very well aware of everything, and He is The Best of planners.

    Hope this helps, inshaAllah.

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