Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it permissible for a girl to leave home to escape abuse?

muslim woman in hijab

Assalamu Alaykum,

I noticed most/all questions are about marriage and opposite gender issues which is totally irrelevant to me and my question but I hope I'll get an answer form the right kind of person.

I wanted to know if it's permissible for a girl to leave home? Reason being abuse.

I know it's ugly and very untraditional for a 21 year old girl to leave home and live on her own, but I feel I have no other choice as the living conditions are unbearable.

My beloved father (Allah Yirhamu, may Allah have mercy on him) passed away 4 years ago (Alhamdulillah he was very pious). I'm the youngest of 7, I don't get along with my siblings. Mother's made it clear she doesn't want me and fires my brother up until he hits me and calls me names (understandable if I actually did something wrong).

Brother even used to torment my late father, mock his beard and his dedication to Islam.

My grandfather overseas advised me to depart from these insane people and live with him, I would love to as he is a wise scholar whom I love and would learn so much from. But brother threatened both him and me. My grandfather is of old age and ill, I could never put him in such a situation.

I found an apartment close to all necessities and I will be safe. That being said just cause I'll be living on my own it doesn’t mean I'll forget my roots, my Father and the morals he taught me. I would really like to get some Islamic advice and know if it is haram for me to leave? I would've asked a local Sheikh/Islamic Advisor, but it's difficult to remain anonymous that way.  Please keep in mind the circumstances are unbearable (I wouldn’t be moving if I didn’t have to).

Thank you for your time and may Allah SWT grant us happiness in this life and the hereafter

Kind regards,
Sister k

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12 Responses »

  1. Salam Aleikum ukhti.

    Maybe im not the right person to give advice in you situation, but i will let you know how i feel.
    I understand that you wont let your grandfather into this situation, but living with him is the only legal (halal) way to do it i guess. A woman should not live without a maharam. What about getting married?

    or else, you should not accept this behavior from you mother and brother, and its totaly against islam to beat anyone! They should know it, and repent to Allah right away!

    This is so hard, but i guess i would find any way out of it! Have you tried talk to thr Imam at the lokal mosque?
    Maybe he can talk to them? There must be something to do about this..Police? this is realy unlegal!

    kheir inshaAllah! wish you all the best in life inshaAllah.

    • sallam sister
      well i am going thru same and i am trying to make my mind to do the same cuz i cant take abuse and verbaly hurt every day but always one fear comes in my heart and brain tht am i doing wrong am i not doing wot a muslim daughter should do i dun know but i got same situation like u but my father is alive but he dont seems intrested to hear or listen or even pass a comment. i n eed help from my muslim brother and sister to tell me wot to do

  2. I agree with Therese that living with your grandfather is the best option. However, if that's not possible then I think you should go ahead and live on your own. Can you afford the expense of your own apartment? It might be a good idea to have a female roommate (another Muslim woman) for safety and to reduce the expense.

    In any case you cannot remain in an environment where you are being beaten and abused. No one deserves to be treated that way, and no one can be expected to stay in such a situation. Do whatever you have to do to be safe.

    Wael Editor

    • Thanks for the level-headed response.

      Some of you guys suggested marriage, to escape a brutal family. I mean , really? These are a Muslim girls options? This is just sad.

      • For a young woman who is being abused in the home and who has no resources or income of her own, marriage (to a good man) should not be ruled out as a possibility to get out of that environment.

        Wael Editor

  3. salam sister k

    i truly feel for you. Allah will help you, you seem like such a wonderful girl your circumstances are so heartbreaking for me to hear. I feel for you so much, I'm around the same age as you and realise how difficult it must be without having some caring and loving guardians around you.
    keeping you in my duas

    all the best

  4. your brother has no right to beat you it is his duty to protect you and treat you well. violence is unacceptable regardless of the reason and it can never be justified and he should know that.

    best thing for you to do is live with your grandfather it is better to live with him then on your own think about it. it will be much safer for you and you may even get rewarded for caring for him your grandfather as he is very ill

    pray to Allah subhana watala to guide your brother and your mother .

    good luck

  5. I guess the country where you live now and the country where you would be living is important to know in order to give any kind of opinion.

    Wael's answer is very good. In the States, at least, it is easy for a girl to live on her own and no one will bother her. All you have to do here is let it be known who you are (Muslim, hopefully wearing hijab) and just say "no" to improper things and you will usually be alright.

    The best thing to do is to live with your grandfather. This way you will have company, do good by taking care of him, and will be a few degrees safer than living alone. Also, this would probably strengthen your ability to take care of the whole issue. A muslima roommate is also an excellent idea, because taking care of someone else full time may not be a good option for you right now. Only you know that.

    However, is there a chance that your brother would come after you for "family honor" and all that kind of garbage? If that happens, call the police. Domestic abuse is usually taken pretty seriously here, because it is a big problem. There are also resources (shelters) that help protect abused women. The police can guide you on that account too. Just don't feel bad about calling them. You didn't ask for any of this.

    I'll pray for you. I'm a former victim of domestic abuse and feel for you.

    • Good point. If there is any chance that your brother will come after you and try to harm you for reasons of "honor", then please be very careful.

      Wael Editor

  6. As-salāmu 'alaikum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.
    Hayyākallāh sister, May Allāh have mercy on your good father and widen his resting place in him, may he rest in peace.

    The first this that should be made clear to you sister, is that your heedless brother has committed major disbelief [Kufr al-Akbar] when he mocked your father for his beard, dedication to Islām, for his Zuhd and Juhd.
    This is outright disbelief and clear cut herasy and totally totally unacceptable behaivior.

    Mocking [Istihzā] or joking about anything what so ever in islām is disbelief which takes one outside of islām and causes one to stay in the Nār forever if he dioes on it.
    Whether it be making fun of the beard, the Niqāb, the shortenning of the Thawb or the way Salāh is performed.

    "And when you ask them [regarding their mocking], they say we were only jesting and passing time by, say :is it Allāh, his signs or his verses that you mock, dont [bother] making excuses, verily you have disbelieved after your belief"

    There is a magnificent book called Nawāqid al-Islām meaning nullifiers of a person's islām, written by our beloved brother and deceased scholar Ash-Skhaykh al-Mujjadid al-'Allāmah Muhammad Ibn 'Abd al-Wahhāb Rahimahullāh.
    This is a very benifitial book for yourself and your heedless brother and your family to read as people fall into these nullifiers easily without realising.

    Not only has your "brother" fallen into kufr, but he has also committed the major sin of 'Uqûq al-Wālidayn, which is disrespecting, dishonouring, disobeying parents when he mocked him.
    This a sin for which Allāh punishes in this world before the hereafter.

    The prophet[saww] said ; "Allāh postpones the punishment for the sins of a person if he wishes to do so, but he punishes the sins for al-Baghiyy [oppression] and 'Uqûq al-Wālidayn during his life before death".
    [Authentic al-Hākim].

    You should go and live with your granfather, and leave this "brother" of yours to his kufr and ithm, make du'ā for him and leave, use a tactic where by he will not know where you are.

    May Allāh bless you with a husband like your father so you could have your own family.

    Fi Amānillāh.

  7. Move out immediately.

    I was in your situation, less worse though. I moved to US when I got the opprotunity and I am a college student living here all by myself. Allah is there, and he will help you when you will help yourself.
    You are an adult person, and I think you have good amount of self control as well. In this world, you dont need to prove it to anyone how good you are by bearing this abuse, be true to yourself, Allah is the only one to judge. Mahram/ this/ that...Allah or God is the creator of All and Everything, so he sees your intention and your heart. You are not living alone for having fun, so whether there is a mahram or not, be self reliant and find a way out that will protect all sides.

    There might be some problem with living alone, but with a strong personality you can tackle it more than easily my sis., saying it from my own experience. Good luck.

  8. Dear sister,

    I pray that this message reaches you at a time where things are better for you than when you left your last message.

    I read through this entire post and your story really touched my heart. I can relate to you because I went through a similar situation. The thing is i dealt with abuse for so long throughout my childhood that it became a norm, the only time I begun to realize its wrong was when my brother phoned social services. I of course I lied and said my dad was a wonderful human being and he wouldn't lay a hand on us. Times went from bad to worse when his sister got involved and sewing the seeds of hatred and slowly physical abuse turned into repressive mental abuse teamed with a fist or two or a slap every now and then, team that with another abusive relationship and extreme anger. Lets just say it was ten years of allot of hurt and anger and constant disappointments. I wont go into full details about what happened over the years, but it was difficult and I can truly say I understand you.

    I too tried to find the love elsewhere. I was adamant I wanted to marry and this would help me escape my problems, but I had a lot of issues and repressed problems and let people treat me badly, the thing is when your in a situation ten times worse at home, you keep letting it slide and keep putting up with it. Thank GOD I saw the light eventually.

    I know you feel like out of love and out of fear of Allah swt you should stay and for your mums sake. But I'm telling you now, if you have it in you. live out for university like i did. Even if its just for a bit. Start gaining your independence and work part time. Pre plan your life from now on, plan you interviews and jobs, make sure everything is there ready and waiting. Do NOT make the mistake I did, which is let your education fail because of the abuse. You will live to regret it.

    I have to tell you now, don’t let it build up In you, this hurt and this anger, alhadmuallilah, though I went through a fair bit, I think allah swt blessed me with some understanding friends who were there for me each step of the way and they were the ones who kept telling me to stand up for my self, thing is when you go through so much you make excuses for your parents and brothers and the abuse you have deal with.

    One day, you will stand up and you will realize you've had enough, but you need to understand YOU and only you can make that decisions, you need to begin setting your self life goals. Set the marriage thing aside. set the love factor aside. forget the men for a moment and envision your life in a few years time. Where do you want to be ? you know in your heart you want to be a success in life and you want to be out of this situation, the only way to do that is if you take a stand of this situation. protect your self first of all, move out. get educated. and get a job and slowly get your mother out of there.

    I know you have it in you. I'm still working towards freedom, but I'm out of the worst of it, but it took extreme patience and it took courage and it took standing up for my self in the end. One day I just had enough and I left and I think that’s the day they realized I wouldn’t take it anymore and I was more than willing to make it public knowledge I was being beaten up. I was fearful for my life many times, all the time infact. But YOU need to stand up. only YOU can make that decision. Have faith in Allah swt in the sense that he's only testing you to atone for your sins, but also to raise your rank in heaven. seek refuge in your prayers, but its not in your best interest and your mental health's interest to endure this . Its not your duty to put up with this. and like Arab proverb ' tie your own camel, but put your trust in god'

    I really want to speak to you or converse with you further. If you need a friend to talk to I want to be that friend. My friends helped me through so much over the years that to extend that hand of friendship to someone who went through something similar to me is imperative.

    I know, for everything I went through in my childhood im a stronger person. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it wasn’t for all of that, but that doesn’t make it right. I know there are some memories I wish I could forget and I wish I could entirely forgive my parents for everything and part of my does feel rage towards them both and part of that reason was because my mum didn’t stand up for us and leave him, but I know deep down inside I should forgive.

    anyway, there's too much to go through. Years worth of stuff to type up. just know that only you can make the decision to slowly move on with your life. let go of the fear and make your own life happen.

    From your senior sister in her midtwenties, who regretted not trying harder at uni.


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