Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is it wrong to have a non-muslim best friend who I love as a son

whirlwind colors confused

I am a Muslim girl and I am 19. I love my religion, have a strong faith in Allah swt and am proud to be a muslim. Nothing can waver my faith in Islam and am proud to admit that. I come from a religious, decent family and my dad is pretty strict when it comes to matters of religion and culture, especially with me and my sister. He bought us up really well.

Throughout my life in school, I never had any close acquaintances with boys nor did I have friends who were boys, even though most of my friends mingled closely and freely with guys. I stayed away cos I didn't feel comfortable with that and well then I used to think boys were really dumb and irresponsible. I used to not like them much.

Anyways I was happy and content with my girl buddies, such things never interested me much then and I never knew how it was to know a guy. Until I entered college, even in college I maintained this code of not having close or unnecessary ties with boys. Except for this one person...

He is a Hindu and I just happened to befriend him by chance. We are not in any relationship or anything, we are just very good friends who care and understand each other. At first I was very cautious, because he was a non muslim too. As time passed, he gained my trust slowly and steadily he was already in a relationship with another girl before we met and he loves her and cares for her truly. I too know his girlfriend personally.

He has always been there for me at all difficult times. I stay alone at hostel and my parents are away, that place was new and difficult for me to cope up. His care and support helped me through tough times and I grew emotionally dependent on him and whenever he was in tough times I have been there for him. I also know he is a genuine person, he has no harmful intention.

Next to my parents, I trust him a lot. I feel safe and comfortable sharing my worries, troubles, everything with him. I never share anything about me with anyone else because nobody here knows me well enough. But he knows me so well and I also know he genuinely cares about me. Thats why I need him.

In short, we are there for each other. As time passed I started to care about him like my child. I love him a lot and he calls me mom sometimes. He loves me a lot and he cares for me a lot, its genuine I know. And he showed me that may be boys are not really that stupid after all. He is the only guy whom I know personally till now apart from my family. I also learnt how a guy's mind works from him.

He is a hindu, but if I sometimes forget to offer my salat he reminds me to pray. I learned so many valuable lessons from him, about wrong and right during these three years which I couldnt have learnt from anyone else. Actually it is a sweet relationship and means no harm.

I know its forbidden in Islam to even speak with a guy, because of this many times I have tried to keep away from him.  But it is really really impossible for me. It made me sad and lonely. He is only person I share everything with cos I trust only him. So I prayed to Allah to forgive me for my sin and have mercy cos I was not strong enough to let him go and begged Allah to allow me to be with him just this short while that I can.

I have just one more year to finish college cos I know that once I finish college, he will be somewhere and I will be somewhere else. We will have our own lives and responsibilites and taking into consideration the rules and culture of Islam after my marriage I dont think I can ever stay in contact with him like this.

I have thought about the punishments offered in Islam if we just talk with a boy and I have done my best to keep my distance. In the beginning, I used to spend a lot of time with him and show him so much of care and affection. I told you I care and love for him like as if he were my son, he deserves it, but I don't do that now. I dont show him any affection or do anything of that sort but I care a lot for him in my heart. But now I am no more emotionally dependent on him. I can handle any problem by myself, even loneliness. But I still love him the same as before. He knows that and he too respects my decision to maintain my distance though I know that he will be there for me whenever I need him. And that he loves me, not in the haram way. He loves me like a mother. He is a good person...and wants the best for me.....

Am I still committing a big sin, maybe I am.. I feel really sad about it. It makes me cry sometimes. But I am not able to do anything about it. I know I am weak but I cannot totally avoid him. Thats impossible cos I love him like my son, thats true.

Will Allah still punish me? This thought has been really hurting me badly cos I haven't done anything wrong nor have I gone away from Allah.

~ Shyma

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5 Responses »

  1. assalam alikum,
    you can not meet any one in non islamic way that is haram. if you are loving him as a son there is no problem. but please be careful about your family and you, it can decrease the faith in allah may divert some one. first you need to look at your family.
    khuda hafiz

  2. Shyma, Asalaamualaykum,

    There is something in your post that makes me feel that you are a very confused person. You are 19 years old, and have befriended a boy of more or less your own age whom you say you love and cannot be without, yet you claim it is mother/son love. It seems somewhat wrong and strange that you call a boy of your age 'son' and he calls you 'mother'. Had you called the relationship a brother/sister one, I would almost underdstand, although that is not permitted either. Perhaps I am wrong, but the way you describe your feelings for him, your relationship seems to be more an emotionally intimate one than mother/son.

    Regardless of all the above, it is wrong to be emotionally close to a boy who is not your mahram. It is better for you to distance yourself from this boy. Let him move on and you do the same. Its time for you to start befriending girls. Go to Islamic talks and circles, go to the gym or take up other halaal hobbies, insha'Allah you will meet other girls on your wavelength. Insha'Allah this will take away your loneliness too.

    SisterZ Editor

  3. muslim guy, I'm not sure why the issue of adoption is being raised here, as it is not relevant to the post. However, Islam does allow adoption and even encourages it. It is in fact a recommended deed to foster or adopt an orphan in Islam. There is a great reward for it, as has been mentioned in the Quran.

    What Islam has done is to place certain conditions on adoption:

    1. The adopted child should retain his own surname, rather than take the adoptive family's name.
    2. The adopted child should be aware that he is adopted and should know his own lineage if possible.
    3. If the biological family is known, the ties with them should be maintained.
    4. The adopted child will not automatically inherit from the adoptive family; however they can designate up to 1/3 of their wealth to the adopted child if they choose.
    5. Upon reaching maturity, the adopted child must be considered non-mahrem and appropriate conduct followed. However, if he was adopted as an infant and nursed by the adoptive mother, she would be his foster mother and therefore a mahrem.

    It's dangerous to spread this creed of "adoption is haram." The Muslim world is full of millions of hungry orphans. There are very few deeds better than adopting one of these orphans and caring for him/her.

    Wael Editor

  4. Asalaam alaikum,

    When Shaytan was asked how he would make mankind sin, he said, "Man is a intelligent creature, so I cannot just propose something outright sinful, because they will reject it. Instead I will make them choose between the best and what is merely good. Slowly but surely, as they constantly settle for good, then I can tempt them with something like 'kind of good'. Their decline will be a gradual one, step by step lowering themselves into the Hellfire. It won't burn them right away, they'll just get used to the warmth. Until I finally have them at the point where they can no longer recognize the good and choosing sin will be the easiest thing for me to whisper in their hearts. They'll be so far down, they'll never back get up."

    For every sin, there appears a black spot on our hearts. Slowly as we make the minor sins over and over again, they begin to add up until the heart becomes speckled in spots. Eventually those spots turn into large blots and those blots with more sin will finally cover the whole of the heart. It gets to the point where our sins cover ourselves and we can no longer see how we turned away our love and obedience to Allah (swt).

    This is why you cannot recognize the extent of the harm you have done over the course of time. You know it was wrong, but you don't know how far you've gone down the staircase.

    I always tell myself, if I am at the same level of faith or knowledge I was at yesterday, last week or last year, I have failed as a Muslim. And it's not enough to move forward on the Right Path, but also it ascend on the journey to Allah (swt): forward and up. The journey of the spiritual wayfarer demands that we control every action with the purpose of always adhering to Allah's (swt) pleasure.

    I remember an alim reporting that one of the most respected Islamic scholars of the past 100 years attended an Islamic wedding ceremony of one of his students. When he was there, he was offered a piece of cake. He kindly refused, but the guest insisted. Not wanting to be discourteous, he requested only a very small slice. In time, though he really didn't want to eat it, out of respect, he took a bite to eat. Now here is the interesting part. He later said, that the pleasure of eating that sweet cake made him feel as if he lost some of his iman. Why? Because he controlled his diet to such a degree that he only ate in obedience to Allah (swt) and that cake was a part of his worldly pleasure instead. Subhan'allah! That is a level of iman many of us may never experience.

    He also said before his death, that when man/woman reaches Heaven, they will all say, "Oh! Would that I could have reached higher!" Contemplate on this statement when looking at your life.

    I am being honest when I am saying that every day you spent with this boy, was a day you deprived yourself of sharing your life with Allah (swt). Did you ever think that it wasn't the boy who was your confidant, but it was supposed to be Allah (swt)? Think of all the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years you could have have spent in the company of our Lord sharing those private thoughts. Imagine pouring your heart out to Him all this time.

    What did the two angels beside you write for this time instead?

    You may think I am being harsh, but you said you couldn't learn certain lessons if it wasn't for this boy. Did you not think of the lessons that The Most Knowledgeable wanted to teach you?

    You said nothing could waive your faith, but then you are caught wondering about your behavior these past years. Something is definitely out of balance.

    You are not a mother to this boy no matter how you would like to think so. To be blunt, you only think you know this boy's mind. A true man doesn't rely on a mother figure of 19 years old. It's harsh, but it's true. Ask yourself, would you have spent all this time with this boy in your parents house? If you didn't feel weariness, why have you stopped this relationship now? Surely you know the answer already: this relationship is an unhealthy one and quite odd.

    You had Allah (swt) waiting for you to realize that it was Him that you were supposed to grow dependent and reliant on. Instead, you choose a boy who can neither raise you alive in the morning or take care of your soul when you sleep.

    You say that the boy will be there when you need him, but notice you didn't say that of Allah (swt). You have strayed from Him, I'm afraid.

    The worst part is that you are still trying to justify it to yourself. You are looking for a "it's okay," but in your words, from the beginning to the contradictory end, you show little remorse. Every time you express regret, you go back and make an excuse for it.

    You have a choice to make: Allah (swt) or excuses.

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