Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is love worth it?


Hello all my muslim brothers and sisters, May Allah show you the right ways.

I have a question that has been bugging me for the last year and i feel like i can't hold it in anymore. About a year ago I met a girl online and she lives in another country. We truly loved each other since day one and we have for a year now (I hope she still loves me) And this girl is NOT a muslim but I am (proudly). She always seemed interested in islam and i told her about it and she seemed to believe it  more than her own religion. And i said if we get married one day you'd have to convert and she agreed on  that, however.. December 2014 we broke up from our long distance relationship (we have never met just seen each other on camera and heard each other on phonecalls) and we didn't talk for months because we had a very big arguement and she hated me

Hate is a big word but then after 4 months she came back talking to me because she missed me and she told me she still loves me and didn't mean it. And then we stopped talking again because we had a fight again, but then again she came back to me saying she missed me. Sometimes i feel like shes just using me for her own good and sometimes i feel like she truly loves me like i love her and that she can't live without me, she doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship until we  have met and i understand that because of what happened earlier. So basically sometimes I'm very happy with her in my life and sometimes i despise it.. Mainly because  that i want to reach some goals and she is in the way of them sort of. And i came here to ask: is love worth it? Is it worth not caring about my goals because i love her to death and that i want to spend the rest of my life with her? Sometimes i want to move on and not talk to her for a long time until i have reached my goals but then my heart says don't do it because I'm afraid she might find someone else. So my question is should i give her up for what i want and be sort of selfish? Or should I follow my heart and hope that she will be my wife one day? Thanks!


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8 Responses »

  1. Asalam o Alaikum brother. One thing I learned from your question is that you love her and the fact that she always comes back to you is the avidance that she loves you too. What would she be getting from talking to you? Its just love so you dont need to doubt her.
    In my personal opinion, if she agrees to revert to islam than its the best thing ever! If now you leave her and move on... than thats absolutely selfish and lazy aswell. What goal there be that she could get in the way of? Its all about priorities. You say you love her to death. Well that seems a bit too hard of an expression if you are considering leaving her for your career etc. Why cant you be in contact with her until your goals are met. Is half an hour of texting per day so big of a burden that you cant bear. These questions you ask now should have been asked when you started to chat with her. Now that she is attached to you, she is your responsibility!
    Our job as a muslim is to do whats in our power than leave the rest on Allah. If you cant show her the right path then on the day of judgment she will complain in front of Allah that he couldnt get me to islam.
    Dont be selfish. Confront her with your plans and get to know where she stands and what she wants. Dont be a coward. Be a man and finish what you started dont leave it in the mid coz you have other problems.
    Brother read Quraan, pray regularly and ask Allah to help you because He never puts a burden on someone that they cant bear. Do istakhara the right way.

    Follow the instructions on the link above.
    People should be a priority over material goods thats what I think. May Allah guide us and give us the strength to do whats right. Ameen. Wasalam

    • Thank you for kind words and tips Arwa, but what i forgot to mention is.. That she kind of threatens me about finding someone else because she can't be patient.. She says that she might find someone until we meet and i still love her alot. I'm not sure that she loves me as much as i do and that worries me, if she really did love me as much as i did she would have been in a long distance relationship till we met. because i just can't bear the pain of thinking shes with someone else while im miles away and cant do anything about it so thats why i want to just move on and reach my goals

      I don't have any problem with being with her in a long distance relationship but she does, and thats why i can't sit here and wait till the day i meet her because if she actually does find another guy I'm the one whos gonna go through the pain not her and i don't want anyone else, just her, but apparently she doesn't want to wait for me because shes actually being the selfish one not me. She doesn't want to be in a long distance because she wants to be a freebird. And that doubts me of her love for me and makes me want to move on and just focus on my goals instead because she doesn't wanna make the effort like i would for her and I'm not some kind of toy for her to come back to later when she doesn't have anyone else that can make her happy


      • Asalam o Alaikum.

        Yes, brother you have made the situation clearer now. What I may suggest here now (according to my understanding) is that you have a hard talk with her. Tell her how much time it would take for you to get to her or what are the goals you want to achieve before you can support her. Ask her and know where she stands coz maybe she threatens you so that you would take getting to her seriously. Innocent until proven guilty! So communicate and say I want to determine where we are going and if you seriously think that you may go with someone in the near future than you have to let me be free of the agony of uncertainty.
        This is how you confront her and let her make the last decision than move on with or without her. I always say, no one is totaly evil or an angel, they just have different psycologies,motivation and priorities. May Allah help you with your ordeal. Remember! Love Allah! He will never ever leave you, even if the whole world does.

        Once I loved the explaination of a good friend on how to treat people that are around us. I am going to paste it in the end.I think it will soothe your mind too. Wasalam...

        As you know that a school student has to pass through different exams just to become a capable persons. But he has to forget the tension experienced in previous exams to get ready for another using his experience and knowledge. Life is just like that.

        Every person in this world we encounter is not some property to be owned even your parents, blood relatives, friends and your family(Husband and children). They are in fact question papers given by Allah to test the capability of our soul. And one by one all of them will leave you(through broken relations or death) just like question papers are taken away from the student after allotted time.

        In the end, the important thing is how did you treat each person(equivalent of solving question paper) during the allotted time. In the hereafter you will be given the final result(marks). Rest is unknown to us.

        Here is an hadith, which throws some light

        Narrated Anas:

        A man asked the Prophet (ﷺ) about the Hour (i.e. Day of Judgment) saying, “When will the Hour be?” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “What have you prepared for it?” The man said, “Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Apostle.” The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “You will be with those whom you love.” We had never been so glad as we were on hearing that saying of the Prophet (i.e., “You will be with those whom you love.”) Therefore, I love the Prophet, Abu Bakr and `Umar, and I hope that I will be with them because of my love for them though my deeds are not similar to theirs.

        Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 3688
        In-book reference : Book 62, Hadith 38
        USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 5, Book 57, Hadith 37

        So do not get too much attached to each person with such intensity that you are unable to let go as he or she is only a test paper from Allah.

        • Thank you Arwa, those last words made me really realise this girl isnt worth it. Because if I'm honest i have had hard and long talks with her about this.. And whenever i mention anything about me and her she becomes angry and ignores me for a couple of days, she always tells me she wouldn't care if i found someone else because she knows i won't do it and that i love her but unlike her, i would actually care if she finds someone because i do love her, apparently it doesn't seem she loves me as much and thats why i don't need her in my life anymore. But also theres this one girl I'm starting to love and she really helps me forget about the old one, may allah make her the right one for me if she is worth it and i hope she is. Thank you again Arwa, peace upon you

          • Zlove: But also there's this one girl I'm starting to love and she really helps me forget about the old one, may Allah make her the right one for me if she is worth it and i hope she is.

            Is this you new online love? Is she Muslim too? Shaitaan came come online too.

  2. "People should be a priority over material goods"
    Very nice advise, Arwa. This is probably one of the few advises I read here which doesn't immediately writes off a non-muslim lover suggesting you should rather take a believer maid. Non-muslim people also have heart and love, and they sometimes fall for muslim people. Don't cut them off just because of their religion.

    Zlove, every relationship needs an effort, and a long-distance one probably needs double. When you don't meet, don't look at the person's eyes, gestures, and general behavior when they speak, it is difficult to understand all their emotions. Misunderstandings arise just because you misjudge the tone of a voice or choice of a word. Trust your instincts. If you feel she loves you, probably she does. Now, would you be a man enough to stand up for her, or do you want to take the easy way to choose somebody from your community.

    It is not clear what sort of goals you have for yourself, so you have two choices, either make the decision for yourself, or discuss it with your girl. YOu will sure come out with some solution.

    May Allah show you the right path.

  3. Dear Brother

    That is a sweet post. But if you kindly mention your goals and explain openly how is it that she is an obstacle in reaching those goals then we may help you overcoming the barrier threatening your relations.

    Your guy's love is of fleeting type and requires long time courage, sincerity and patience from both sides to get matured into husband and wife relation-ship.

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