Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my husband being ungrateful to Allah?


Second Marriage

Assalam o aliekum Brothers and sisters:

Before I start, I just want to say that I don't want pity from anyone please, actually I just want to know, If my husband is doing the right thing by thinking of marrying someone else, and is this being ungrateful to ALLAH???  My current situation which is mentioned below:

I have been married for 9 years now alhamdulliah, he is my cousin from Pakistan, and I sponsored to Canada. I was 16 years old when I got engaged to him, It was an arraigned marriage, by the grace of ALLAH. Now I am 28. We are doing great together, he loves me cares for me, give me what I want, like he fulfills my needs Alhamduliah, and I care for him with all my heart and accept everything he does for me, and give him whatever he wants in return.

I got married in 2004, near 2007 we both started to feel that we don't have children and we should do something about it. So went to the fertility doctor and got every treatment created so far in the history of science. For example : IUI and IVF . wasted enough money on these treatments and was told that I can never conceive or ever become a mother. 🙁 Also all my reports and check ups declared that i can't conceive. and was suggestion to get an egg donor, which my imam told me was forbidden in Islam.

I cried and asked for forgiveness from ALLAH, and said to my husband, please get married, as I want to see you happy and i want your own kids. My husband replied and said NO i don't want to get married I want kids from you. Then till today (2013) I have never given up faith on ALLAH and I know he will bless me with children, even if the doctors declared that I can't become a mom ever. since 2005 I am always doing Itqaf at the last ten days of Ramadhan, and I am getting wonderful responses from ALLAH, but my husband needs to have faith too, which I feel is ending.....

My trust and faith in ALLAH grow more and more each time, and ALLAH showed me a dream in which i saw myself pregnant. And also made my mind set, to go for HAJJ.. meanwhile my husband had asked some people to find a second wife for him, I was not told about his action at that time.

when I found out, i cried a lot and told him about the dream i had and also told my husband I want to go for HAJJ and ask ALLAH to give me, what I really want by going to his house and ask him. My Husband didn't agree, but some how two months before HAJJ 2011, ALLAH put in his heart for HAJJ, and we bought ticket and started packing.

I was excited that I will see all the places where our beloved prophet (PBUH), used to live and see The House of ALLAH. but two days before, my flight I found out that I was naturally pregnant! I went into shock and my husband was happy!! Then I was told by three doctors to stay at home and not to go for HAJJ, and gave me bed rest. My husband continued his journey for HAJJ.

After he got back from HAJJ a week after I miscarried.. i found out on three months that my fetus growth and heart beat had stopped when i was 6 weeks pregnant. and i was thinking i was three months pregnant.

Anyways we both where sad and prayed to ALLAH alot, that time my husband has alot of faith in me and in ALLAH. Last year dec. 2012, I got pregnant again, but had a miscarriage again. and my husband got so upset that he start to say two days after my miscarriage, that he wants to marry someone who can give him kids. I was in shock that it hasn't even been two days of this incident and he want to re marry. i am crying since Jan. 2013 until today May 15,2013.

As a true believe I told him, I have given you permission to marry when the doctors told me that i can't get pregnant 5 years ago, and you never married then, and now when I can conceive and ALLAH  has gave you hope from my side, that inshALLAH we will become parents, you want to still marry? Is this how little faith you have in ALLAH?

he kept quite, and I said I give you permission to marry whom so ever you want, and I will not come in between you, but please don't give up on ALLAH, I know you want my children and I want your children. I told him that I will help him find a suitable girl for him. We are not looking for a virgin, but we are looking for a woman who is divorced with or without kids, or a widow with or without kids. So ALLAH will be pleased by us.

I cry each time and pray to ALLAH to bless me as soon as possible with a lovely family so someone will not have to come into my life and take what is mine for 9 years (my husband), and I will have him only for half time. I will never come in between ALLAH's commandments that is why i have given, my husband full permission to get married, and also don't understand why he wants to marry now when i CAN give him pregnancies, why didn't he want to marry when i was told that i CAN'T get pregnant.

please pray for me, that I get pregnant in the next two months. Dear brothers and sisters, if i don't get pregnant in the next two months, then I will myself get my husband married, to someone in need. My intentions are not bad, I just don't understand my husbands mind.

You guys will be confused too after reading this, because now he has faith in me again, and says i will not marry i am giving you two more months. i said no i can't stand your dramas, iam going to find someone for you, and meanwhile i will try my all best to get pregnant too.

I have done a lot of study on the second marriages in Islam, what the man's rights are what the woman's rights are, what will have happen if man doesn't treat wives equally, what happen to the wive who doesn't give permission, to the husband to remarry. Alot of stuff I have read and thought about. I have protected myself, from committing sin, and I have given him permission, and I have done what ever so far is needed from my side to please him.

While was I studying about the second marriages in Islam, I came to this site, like last week, and decided to post my problem here, but alhamdulliah I have full faith and I will try my best in not committing a sin, by stopping him to re-marry. I have also thought a lot about this, of course, my husband, my life, my love, my house my car, my everything is going to be shared. I know it is going to be hard for me, but what if she takes everything away form me. I don't want that she will have to give the same sacrifices.

My husband has a decent job, he is not rich though, but we manage to live really good, and also save money, and recently bought a house. I don't want to contribute any wealth of mine in the house, because he has considered re marring. I also think my husband is not going to be able to fulfill both of our sexual needs, cuz he is not that much into sex, as much as I am.  I am really confused lost and need help. AM I DOING WRONG, OR WRITE. As I said I can't say no to hubby to remarry but if i do then I am not being one of the righteous women. I also don't want him to mistreat any one of us.

I am so confused that I just got off the phone, with this lady who is helping me search for divorce ladies who will be willing to live in the same house as me, and who will be willing to bless my husband with joy. I don't know what to do, should i call her or should i not call her.

My husband said to me, that he will give me the first child of his wife...I don't want her child, I want my own children, I don't want piety, if ALLAH will want He will bless me with my husband's child, if he doesn't he will not bless me, but I am not going to be against my ALLAH's will. I fear him a lot, but I just can't bare seeing someone else child in my arms. I want my own. I don't want to adopt, we tried but that time we didn't meet the requirements, (it also took 1 year), so not thinking about adopting anymore.

We have decided to do istikhara. but if there is anything else anyone can suggest please tell me. i love my husband and i want to give him happiness with the will of ALLAH.

Also tell me if my husband is doing right, after having hope he wants to marry, but he never wanted to marry when there was not hope??? If I can conceive should he marry to someone else for kids? If  I was still not able to bless him, then he should of have said to remarry? But now  why is he saying yes to marriage now? I am so confused and worried about my husband, I pray that he and I don't make any mistake that will be against ALLAH's desire, Is my husband being ungrateful to ALLAH, and taking matters in his own hands?

My faith towards ALLAH keeps on increasing day and night, I just can't imagine that ALLAH will not favor on me. I know I can give a healthy baby to my husband, but he needs to give me time. But I fear he is losing hope in ALLAH, and is not giving me a chance. I don't want to say anything wrong as I am really afraid of ALLAH one day how will I face ALLAH if I do something wrong.   :'( ...

Oh ALLAH guide my husband and i to the right path, and bestow us with your blessings Ameen.

Remember us in prayers.


P.S The girl has not even entered my life and is giving me troubles already... 🙁


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41 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum sister,

    May Allah Bless you with a righteous child very soon. The Rabb is Greatest of all and He Tests everyone differently. I heard about a man who married a lady and learnt that she could not conceive. Then he married another woman for having children from her, but even she could not conceive. Then he married another lasy but even she could not bear a child. Finally, all of them were made to drink the Zam Zam water - and all of them bore children. Subhanallah!

    As the hadith says, the water of Zam Zam is for whatever it is drunk for (meaning - niyyah). I also heard about a lady who conceived her first child after over 20 years of marriage.

    Do not lose hope, sister - Allah May Bless you with a child if He Wills.

    Secondly, you seem to have "forced" your husband to marry another woman while he loves you a lot. Polygamy is permissible, but sister, if he will not treat the other woman equally as you, then it is Dhulm (oppression) which is not ideal in a polygamy as per Islam. On the other hand, do not force him to the extent that he loses interest in you. He may have lost hope that you will bear a child, and perhaps, this is because you made him feel so by repeatedly asking him to marry another woman.

    Certainly, it will be great if he has a child from another woman and he treats you both justly and you live in harmony, but you will have to face a lot of jealousy from the other woman. As you said, all your stuff will be shared, but most importantly, your love - your husband will also be shared. I am telling you this in order to be prepared and not see all this as a surprise - I am sure you must have thought about it, but be prepared.

    And do not force him to marry. If he wants to take another wife and he thinks he can afford her, then let him do so. You do not need to take the other woman's baby for yourself, you will be his/her step-mom anyway - just treat them as your own children.

    At present, do not spoil your relationship with your husband by showing hopelessness and forcing him to do what he does not want to. He may have agreed because he has lost hope, or because you forced him. Ask him to think for himself and that you will not force him and that you still hope that Allah Will Bless you with a healthy and a beautiful child of your own. Make him feel at ease and then let him rethink his decision - do not press him to marry again.

    You said: "The girl has not even entered my life and is giving me troubles already"

    This is why I said: be prepared. It is not easy to stay in a polygamy. But it is not impossible - If he marries another woman, then look at the lives of Ummahaatul Mu'mineen - the wives of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam (Radiyallahu Anhunna) and take lesson from them. They did commit mistakes due to jealousy between them, but were corrected by Allah and His Rasool Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Such things will happen and you will have to take heed and act justly.

    May Allah Make it easy for you, whether with a co-wife of without. Aameen.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

    • Salam bhai the situation is strange, i told him to remarry only when doctors rejected me. My husband said no to me then. But when Allah blessed me with my frist pregnancy, i misscarried it but we both had more hope from Allah! But due my recent miscarriage, he started saying i want to marry because your not able to guve me a healthy baby/pregnancy. I cried alot and tld him how ungrateful he was. He actually had a gitl in his mind on who he going to marry. His mother said marry anyone but her. I didnt mention that because i thought it was not important. Last month we went to germany to see my in laws and same happened there, he asked him mom to help find him someone. They said dont involve us do it urself. Then the whole month we were in germany my husband didnt even touch me and made me feel really bad. And then i made my decision that i will help him find someone, because it will b hard gor him to do so. I dont know why he cant belive in Allah and have faith in Allah and me. He is a Haji mashallah, but still thinks like that.

      I have done alot of reasearch and i have studied myself too, i know i wont be able to live this way with an other lady, i might take khula, that is my extend. I would love to be with them but want kids of my own.

      I did drink a lot of zam zam but....
      I dont want to force him to marry, but i can't stand him telling me everyday and month that he wants to marry. I am trying to fulfill his wish, that i dont want to see happening.
      I know hw will love her more cuz she will be the mother of hid children.
      He was also influenced by his family and friends to remarry. And still is being forced although his parents say the dont want to be involved, but they do want him to marry.
      Since my year 2013 began i am crying and praying that Allah will bless me with childten of my husband and he will not have to marry.

      He has giving me a deadline up to end of ramadhan 2013 to pray and to get pregnant. Currently i am doing three treatments for firtility homeopathy ivf and herbal. I will try for the rest of my life because i have seen dreams of my own children and Allah also gave me names in my dreams to name those babies.

      Brother my hope and faith towards Allah is endless inshallah. I will never chalenge Allah. But i dont know why husband has lost hope.

      It may look like i am forcing my husband to remarry, but i am in a situatiln that there is nothing left for me to do.

      I will be more heart broken if he marries behind my back and gives me the news after a year

  2. Salaams,

    There are a few things in your post I would like to bring attention to and respond to.

    1. You said you would have to share your house and car with the second wife. This is not accurate. In polygamy, each wife is entitled to her own home. She is not obligated to live with you, and if you have uncomfortable feelings about her living with you then you are within your rights to prohibit this. As far as the car, if it is your husband's car, then yes she will ride in it. However, if you have a car of your own, she has no rights to it at all. In fact, neither does your husband. He would only be able to use your car with your permission.

    2. You said your husband will give the first child of his second wife to you. Regardless of anyone's feeling, this is NOT his right at all. He does not have the right to take a child away from it's natural mother. That mother has the right over the child, unless of course they divorce or something.

    The biggest issue I see going on with you is that you keep going back and forth between being in polygamy or not being in it. You are trying to go with the idea of it, strictly because it's the "right" thing to do. However, your heart doesn't seem to be in it at all. It hasn't even started yet, and yet you're going through so much pain thinking about what's to come. Trust me sister, the pain only gets much, much worse. So I would tell you if you are having this much difficulty now, and having a hard time managing it, be real with your spouse. Stop giving him mixed feedback by saying "yes I want you to do this because it's right" and "no I don't want you to because I still might get pregnant again on my own". That is only going to frustrate him.

    Be real with him. If you don't feel you can handle the polygamy, tell your husband. Tell him it will be too much for you. Tell him you would rather stay in monogamy. Tell him you don't think it will have a good effect on your health, which is a big factor if you are trying to get pregnant and have a history of infertility and miscarriage. Even if he took another wife and you DID get pregnant again (which can happen), do you really want the stress of that complicating the chances of a successful pregnancy? Be real with yourself, and be real with your husband.

    If you do that, and your husband refuses to take that into consideration and wants to move forward with a new wife, you always have the option of khula. I am not suggesting you exercise it, but if things go that way and you find yourself to be an utter wreck and it ends up being the only solution to help you, it is there for you. You are not obligated to live polygamy, if you really don't want to. And that doesn't negate in any way his rights to polygamy.

    Personally, if you decide to go forward with polygamy, I think it's a bad idea to do the footwork in finding a wife for your husband. Sure, that may give you the feeling of being in control or part of the process, but that undermine's your husbands needs, wishes, and position of authority. It's not even your responsibility to find him a wife; if that's something he wants he need to be the one to find her. Don't let that stress of "should I call that lady or not" be your burden, because it's not.

    Truly, you need to sort this out before any nikkah takes place. The worst thing that could happen is you keep playing around with this and then when he does marry you want him to divorce her because you can't take it.

    Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said "No woman should ask her husband to divorce his second wife in order to achieve her rights because she will only receive what has been preordained for her." (BUKHARI and MUSLIM)

    I tend to think you might find yourself in a worse position if you don't think this all through thorougly, and make the right decision for your family, and we don't want to see that happen.

    -Amy Editor

    • Salam sister if he marries i am not going to live in the same house at all. I know he has no right on giving me the first child as it is het choice to give me or not. And i dont want anyone else child i want my own.
      I have been given so much stress that my hormone levels have changed and i fear what will happen.
      Each day he stresses me. Ur right i am giving him mixed signals because he is giving me mixed signals too.
      Sister if he marries i will not do anything to her as i will have no right on her.
      If he doesnt marry then i am the happiest lady of all.
      Please pray i get pregnant in two months and give birth succesfully.

      If he marries and wants to keep her in the same house, then i will move out. There are some ladies willing to marry, and the ground under my feet is moving like an earthquake. I have no idea what my husband and will do.

      He says he loves me and wants my own kids then why does he stress me and say he wants to remarry this is happing since two years but he is mire focused now on marriage.
      He doesnt love me this is what i feel. I feel he loves kids more.

  3. Salaams,

    Another thing I want to add, since you questioned a few times "why does my husband want another wife now when he didn't before", is that for men polygamy is a multifaceted thing. Although the impetus may have been your inability to conceive and his desire to have a child of his own, you can't be ignorant about the fact that your husband is thinking about all the perks that come with having another wife and being able to share all the intimacies of marriage with her. It may very well be that he has entertained these thoughts enough times (after you making the suggestions to remarry so frequently) that he wants to find out what it's really like. Most men would find the idea of having two women nearly irresistable, if it was available to them. So don't think your husband isn't considering that somewhere in his mind.

    -Amy Editor

    • He had that thought in his mind even before, he i started to force him. he used to give me a lot of tension, everyday he will say it, and now i say do it if you want, i will not stop you, i have given him 100 percent permission, and regardless anything, i will have to face a lot of problems.

      He still says and confuses me that he wants my kids,and gives me a timeline to give him a pregnancy before that period is over... he is confused himself and wants me to be a part of it.

      so that is why i keep on saying marry and do as you wish.

    • I just don't want to make a mistake by stopping him to marry, for something that is way more then pleasure. I mean he wants a family not just a physical relationship.

      Plus I can't do anything, just pray to ALLAH that he will bless me with kids of my husband and mine. Otherwise I just can get him married, or screw my life, and give him khula!

      • You know, your husband can still take another wife -if he wanted to- even if you were to get pregnant and deliver a healthy child. You can't control what he does. You can't stop him from marrying if that's what he wants to do. If you talk to him maturely and tell him your true feelings and he decides not to take another wife because of consideration of you...that's HIS OWN CHOICE, not some manipulation or coercion on your part (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt when I say that, you know your own motives best).

        Personally, both of you using polygamy and getting pregnant as bargaining chips or lording it over each other's head is not very mature at all. You both need to stop that dysfunction and start communicating with each other with sincerity.

        All I can tell you is that I just got out of a polygamous marriage that I didn't get a choice about being in. It was the most emotionally painful experience I've ever had. If I had any way to know in advance, or have a say in advance, about you do...I would have jumped on it.

        -Amy Editor

        • I know I have done a lot of research on this sister, that my mind is finished. I just don't know what to say, what to do. I don't know how to cook food anymore, as he loved my food, and now i am really bad at cooking. too much stress is on my mind. i can't even spell anymore, or even know what to say or type, my vocabulary is zero now. i have destroyed my life ...

          I understand completely what you are saying to me. only someone who has been through this can help someone else.

          I know iam not aloud to stop him, he has his rights to it. But why does he confuse me always, by sometimes saying I am sorry It was shaitan who made me mistreat you after your miscarriage.
          Then he says, I have told my friend to look for someone for me, there is a social worker who knows this divorced lady. but he has no courage to meet those people. he doesn't want to hurt me and yet he does hurt me unknowingly.

          Then he introduced me to his friend, who is helping him find someone. guess what he has two wives too.. but they live together happily in the same house. mashallah. Those ladies pray for me and are also looking for a good rishta for my husband.

          I am confused what do they pray for, me to have children, or for my husband to find a suitable wife...

          they told me so many stories about people, and one of their cousin who was also in the same situation as my husband and i.

          He got married when his first wife was 42 years old and was 100 percent sure that ALLAH can't bless them with kids. He married a 24 year old lady, who gave him two boys. and she gave her first baby to her co wife.

          Yaar the thing is it is not me who is confused, it is the people who my husband involved into this, they are confusing both of us.

          I can live without kids, but i can't live without my husband.

          he gives me mixed signals. and then i force him into marriage. but he forced me to give him permission as well. he tortured me day and night, now all i think of his that who will marry him. will i be able to give him babies... will i be able to share my husband, will i be able to live in a family with a third wheel? etc...i am going mad...

          I know men do get married at any age and time and situation. i understand completely ... but in our families alhamdulliah no one has done second marriage without a valid reason. if i had kids he would never have thought about it.

          Alhamdulliah i have found this website where people i have found who can help me, or guide me, or at least pray for me.

          Amy I am sorry to hear about your situation. did the same happen to you like me, or was it different,.. please don't mind me asking. where you the first or second wife, and i want to know how you felt. as being a co wife. ....

          my faith towards ALLAH grows like fire, and I know inshallah at the end of Ramdhan I will give everyone a good news that iam pregnant, and my husband will ask for forgiveness from ALLAH that he doubted ALLAH, and didn't have faith as much as I have faith in my ALLAH.
          p.s if he takes an other wife after he has kids from me, then i will take khula and take custody of the kids. i know he will not hurt me that much. but a mans nature...only ALLAH knows of.

  4. Salaams,

    I don't mind sharing my story with you. I was a first wife. My husband and I had been married for 9 years. The part that is different from your situation is that he and I divorced last October, and went on with our lives. He ended up getting remarried as he thought he was single. We found out the very next day that our iddah was invalidated and never completed, and that we were still technically married as well. So all of us were then thrust into polygamy, arguably, against our will.

    In the beginning I tried to be open and make the best of it. It was tremendously difficult. About a month and a half into it I found out I was pregnant. This was after being infertile for 3 years and having a miscarriage in my last pregnancy. I was shocked, as I never expected to get pregnant without medical assistance. I was not eating, nor sleeping, and was suicidal because of the extreme pain from the polygamy; and I knew I was in no shape to bring a child into our family as I was. I told my husband I didn't want to be in polygamy anymore. I told him I was afraid the stress was going to make me miscarry or worse, self harm while pregnant. I told him that it was just too much, and in the end he divorced her as soon as she made a mistake he could blame it on. Yet, all the while, of course I was to blame for pushing the issue, and I did feel responsible. To this day I feel like I owe him another second wife after I have this baby to make up for breaking up a marriage he contracted with good intentions. Yet, I know how extremely hard being back in polygamy would be, and it still tears me up to think about.

    There are experiences you will have in polygamy, painful ones, that you can't possibly predict now. No TV programs will seem relatable any more, no one in public will seem to understand what your new life is like, you will feel alone and only have your husband half the time to deal with it. And believe me, he's not going to want to spend the time he's with you dealing with emotions. He himself will be stressed enough not having time to himself and juggling two families, and want all drama to be vaporized. It will put more pressure on you to maintain a facade, which if I can be honest seems to be what you are already doing in telling him "yeah go ahead take another wife" when you don't really want that.

    You will have to be exposed to how he loves her. Trust me, the new girl always gets a lot of attention just because she's new. You will have to endure being the old, familiar one. You will have to deal with being compared if her character is milder than yours, or if she treats him more honestly than you. You will find yourself fighting to maintain your "place" in his heart, but notice he's not paying attention because he's too wrapped up getting his new marriage started and getting to know his new wife. I could go on and on.

    These are just a few of the things that you have to have a stellar character to overcome. I was only in it for a few months, and I can't honestly say that if it had gone on for years I would've been the one to make it through. It was simply getting to me too much, in such a short time. I too went on Ana Polygamy's blog (didn't find it too helpful and left after I found out about her heresies) but I saw that other women were feeling it the same way I was, even worse in certain cases. You are NOT going to be exempt from it. So that's why I'm saying, if you can just start being honest with yourself, and him, about what you're really feeling (which is conflicted and insecure) then you can avoid a truckload of pain that will be headed your way if he takes another wife.

    Oh, and, one more thing...don't think that going into polygamy and back to monogamy (say if it doesn't work out) fixes any problems that may come. Once men get a taste of that, it's hard to get them to settle for less. Plus you can never bring the dynamic that experience with two women brings to a man (I'm not talking sexually, just in general). There is a higher level of dissatisfaction sometimes after going back to monogamy, when the polygamy doesn't work out. Nothing is ever the same never get that relationship back that you guys have now.

    So I would suggest start working on your marriage. Make it better, so that if and when a baby comes, there is a solid family for it. You say everything is happy and great with you all, but yet can say you feel unloved by him. That's a contradiction, and both CANNOT be true at once. You both seem to have terrible communication problems and difficulty dealing honestly with each other. These are all issues that need attention, and can easily be fixed. A baby won't solve them, nor will taking another wife...yet if you ignore them I can assure you it will affect any children who come as well as any marriage he contracts with another woman.

    -Amy Editor

    • Oh amy sister i just couldnt read you story as i was crying and feeling your pain. I dont know but i felt that it was my future or something similar to me. I wanted to make sure are you still married to him and if so why you would want him to marry again. May Allah giude us all to the right path.

      Sister i have talked with him openly i have given him the pros and cons. He changes the topic. I want to tell him how i feel abot this and what i want, but he refuses to talk. I think his mind is set up. But i tey my best to tell him to treat both of equally he says i will love you more and respect you more. I said to him you can't be unfair and irrisponsible. I amy he will give her more time and effort, and he will want to be closer to her.

      Sister all the things my feelings my fears my problems i have shared with him. He says he loves me but doesnt belive in me. He says he understands me and also sat that he doesnt want to hurt me or his second wife.

      I tell him ur hurting me even when she is not even in my life it would be worse when she will be here in our lives. He says he wants my happiness my kids, and he doesnt tell his friends to stop looking. He is messed up and completly confused himself.

      I feel so good talking to you, i didnt mention my whole story on the post. When i talk to you i feel as i a
      Talking to my reflection. When i talk to you i feel i have to tell you everything even the things i didnt mention in my post.

      I didnt mention we came back from germany last month and he mistreated me and didnt fulfill my needs or desires. And his brothers felt sorry for me. Also he tld his parents to look in germany. And they said no to him and said look yourself.

      One more problem he is the only sibling from his family and i am the only sibli g in my family who dont have kids. He fears his father will die without seeing his child as his father was diagnosed with cancer last week. Now my husband even blackmaled me i to this. By using his father's sickness.

      I try my best to communicate with him but he changes the topic when i say dont change the topic he says i dont want to see you cry. I have told him my feelings but i guess he is more selfish then i thought.

      I just do t want to unplease Allah even if my decision will be pai full for me Anna

    • @Amy,

      Your words are laden with such poignancy that I'm left speechless. As the saying goes experience and wisdom come from bad experiences. I was always a big fan of your opinions, but today your resilience and struggle in life had earned my profound respect.

      Thanks for sharing your story.

    • As Salamualaikum Anna,

      Although, I've posted this umpteen times on this website to germinate hope among sisters who wish to seek a child. Since you have ample of faith in Allah, the following verses of the Quran might show you the light.

      Whenever the Doctor says, ‘You can never be Parents’. Then, do not purchase the Doctor’s explanation.
      Rahil (Rachel) wife of Prophet Yaqoob( Jacob) (‘alaihim al-Salām) was unable to become a mother for a long time. However, Allah opened her womb and she was blessed with Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) (‘alaihim al-Salām) and Prophet Ben-ya-meen (Benjamin) (‘alaihim al-Salām)

      Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) (‘alaihim al-Salām) was 100 years old while his wife Sarah was no less than 90 year old when they were blessed with Prophet Isaac (‘alaihim al-Salām)

      Prophet Dawood (David) (‘alaihim al-Salām) was also not able to become a father. However, he fasted and Allah blessed him with many children.

      The mother of all miracles is when Allah blessed Virgin Maryam (Mary) with Prophet Isa (Jesus) (‘alaihim al-Salām) when no man had ever touched her.

      There are times when couples who have been deemed “hopelessly infertile” do conceive children unexpectedly. That is truly a miracle, and it does happen. I personally knew a couple where the man had testicular cancer and after his radiation treatment he was” shooting blanks”, and was told he could never produce a viable sperm again. On top of that, his wife struggled with PCOS. They weren’t even trying anymore, and they got pregnant and were blessed with a child.

      He creates what He wills [and plans]. He bestows [children] male or female according to His Will [and Plan],Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of Knowledge and Power.(Al-Shuara, 42-49,50)

      Thus, do not despair of Allah’s mercy. The below mentioned du’aas were recited by Prophet Zakariya (‘alaihim al-Salām). After which he was blessed with Prophet Yahya (John The Baptist) (‘alaihim al-Salām).
      رَبِّ لاَ تَذَرْنِى فَرْداً وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ ٱلْوَارِثِين َ
      Rabbi Lā Tadharnī Fardāan Wa 'Anta Khayru Al-Wārithīna.
      "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors."(Al-Anbiya, 21:89)

      رَبِّ هَبْ لِى مِنْ لَّدُنْكَ ذُرِّيَّةً طَيِّبَةً إِنَّكَ سَمِيعُ ٱلدُّعَآء ِ
      Rabbi Hab Lī Min Ladunka Dhurrīyatan Ţayyibatan 'Innaka Samī`u Ad-Du`ā'i.

      "O my Lord! Grant unto me from Thee a progeny that is pure: for Thou art He that heareth Prayer!” (Al-Imran, 3:38)

      The below mentioned dua was recited by Prophet Ibrahim (‘alaihim al-Salām).
      رَبِّ هَبْ لِى مِنَ ٱلصَّالِحِين ِ
      Rabbi Hab Lī Mina Aş-Şāliĥīna.

      "O my Lord! Grant me a righteous [son]!"(Al-Saffat, 37-100)

      • Br. Farrukh is right. I was diagnosed very early in my life with pcos and doctors told me clearly to never expect to have children. Still, I was blessed to have children easily by the Mercy of Allah, and never ever took medication or had any treatment--I was lucky to have the wisdom of an elder (who has since passed away, May Allah reward him Jannah) who told me to never believe the bad news and that if I put my trust in Allah, all Allah had to say was "kunn fa ya koon" (hopefully I spelled that right) and for Allah it is not difficult to make anything happen.

        The power of the mind and the hope of the heart are amazing things--though I didn't realize it then. When we have faith in Allah, and believe in Him and put all trust in Him, He makes the most amazing things happen. shaitaan's trick is to make us not believe in Allah's Mercy or to not feel content, or to worry about things that we do not have the power over. Never worry about the things that you do not have the power over--because it undermine Allah's endless power, leave such matters to Allah (like the news that you can't conceive) and simply try your best in the situation you are in. Trust in Allah.

        You have amazing advice from sister Amy and the experience she shared with you and all of us. I pray that Allah eases your pain and helps you move forward in your life, inshaAllah, Ameen.

      • mashallah. i didnt read ur advice when i came here to post mine. we dont get to read u very often but ur some1 with some best advice on the website.

        .@ sister Anna,
        look at the thread. your questiob appeared in the wee hours of morning and look how full it is. You r not alone. Dont let us down. Dont giveup on urself. Allah is with u.

        • Saba thank you for your wishes and advice, I also have Pcos, i never had it before, but after my first miscarriage i got it. But I am seeking treatment for that. I am so happy that you didn't have to face any problems in your life, may ALLAH give you more and more, and may he have mercy on you. Ameen

          apple green yes alhamdulliah I have posted this just 6 days back and it was posted as soon as possible, and I am so happy, that ALLAH showed me this site, otherwise I would of have made many mistakes in my life.

          The advices I have given mean a lot to me, and I have started working of the advices alhadmulliah.

      • Farrukh Alhamdulliah thank you so much for the advice and information as i feel more comfortable after reading your post. May ALLAh bless you

      • Farrukh sorry for late reply, i thought i had replied to you but i guess i didn't ...

        Thank you so much for sharing the prayers and information with me about the prophets, I really appriciate that. but i still have no power in my hands, i can't do anything in my situation other then praying.

        I have those prayers already for having kids and read them everyday and ask ALLAH for kids everyday. I hope ALLAH will listen to me one day. Becasue i want to be the mother of my husband's kids not the mother of his wives kids.

        Please remember me in prayers. I will keep myself busy in recitation of the QURAN and also in NAMAZ and will keep praying. InshALLAH....ANNA

  5. Sister Anna,

    I cannot even entertain the idea of sharing my husband. I really don't know how women share their husbands. Must be so hurtful and painful. And the constant competition for the husbands affections. And just because you are the first wife doesn't mean he will give you preferential treatment. Men have to treat wife equally but he cannot control who he loves more or less. This may be the hardest part to deal with.

    The question isn't why does he want to marry now and not before but will you be able to deal with this? Anyway the answer is simple if you go to a sweet shop and your dad says you can have 1 sweet or you can have 4, obviously you will choose 4! Why settle for 1 when you can have 4!

    The thoughts and worries you are telling us, tell your husband be completely honest with him. Sit him down and cry to him about your fears. From your post it looks to me that you are not happy for him to marry again. So tell him that make it crystal clear to him.

    I pray that Allah blesses you with a beautiful child soon and brings you and your husband peace.

    Take care xxxx

    • Hi sum..

      Nice examples of the sweets. I can never imagine sharing my husband, but situation has put me in this way. I am not happy at all, i feel that i am forced to force him, to get married, because he forced me completely with his emotions i feel blackmailed most of the times. Please remember me in prayers.
      I have a lot of hope from ALLAH, for this month to be the happiest month of my life, ameen.

  6. Salam,

    Anna, may Allah give you what your heart desires.

    Sister Amy, your story is so sad:( you are a strong woman and may Allah give you eternal happiness and health in this life and grant you and your family jannah. May Allah bless us all.

  7. It's really sad for a women who had miscarriage. No one can experience that feeling, bond which start grow since the day you conceive. But in most cases we some women recovery soon and some women don't. To me I think since you did conceived and had miscarriage I think that made your husband emotional about having kids. That made him to see dream about he is going to be a father most man build that kind of dream when wife conceive. Maybe that's my opinion that that's why your husband is now adamant to be a father maybe that's why he is thinking of remarrying for having kids.

    I will tell you one short story about my own mother in law. My mother in law was a second wife of my father in law (he passed away2010) my father in law got married to his first wife when they both were teenage. But unfortunately his first wife had 14 miscarriage then she pressured him to get married again because my father in law build a dream to become father. Then by his first wife help he got married to my mother in law and by the grace of Allah he became father of 5children my husband is the eldest. But from what I saw after married and heard from others that my husband and his siblings loved their father first wife more then their own mother so everyone called her mother as well. Till now my husband and his siblings take care of their both mother equally and we daughter in law also do respect both of them equally. And you know what is the most interesting thing is ? Is since my mother in law got married since then both women staying like sisters trust me or not my mother in law is 60 and she is 72 and my mother in law take care of her like little sister taking to doctor anything whatever she need my mother in law and her children fulfills.

    I am not telling you this story to accept all what your husband do I said because its not always bad as we think but obviously it all depends on the women characters. Maybe you will be good but she mint be not good. It's really personal choice how we all want to lives our life.

    I will suggest you to consult a very good doctor to find out what is the reason that you had miscarriage. Talk to your husband openly and tell him about your wish and what you want from your husband. If possible I think you should talk to your mother about your emotion this kind of time there has to be someone who you can share your tears with of course Allah is number one.

    • i agree with nadia 100%. i know of a trio as such who live in harmony but the pain the first wife suffers silently is only known to her. i remember how my mother was devastated to the point we thought she .has lost her sanity when my father decided to remarry after 19 yrs of marriage just coz he fell in 'love' with a much younger woman.

      Sister Amy,
      Although all the official advisors of this website give amazing advices and i have a few favourites too, like i read every post they comment on, it was quite recently that i realized that u had captured my attention. Little had i known what a dynamic personality like u has been through. if i had respect for u i must say i have great respect for u now.. women like u are an inspiration to those who get convinced after a trauma that life is finished.

      sister Anna,
      should it sound like a cliche if i said i feel ur pain?. i have read ur long post without a blink and then read the entire thread feeling choked. I assure u that though a woman who has never been in a polygamous relationship cannot know what painful experiences a woman who is sharing her man goes through but this fear of pain is not strange to any woman. NO woman can ever prepare herself wholeheartedly offer her husband to another lady for ANY reason.

      Sister u r confused. one part of u feels obligated to allow ur husband to marry while the other, naturally feels apprehensive and resists the idea of sharing him. this delima is not abnormal for anyone in a situation like urz. sister Amy was so right when she said that u need to stop telling him to remarry and b honest. u guys need to sit down and talk about stuff more clearly without the interference of another person.

      it looks like ur husband has made his mind and seems to b less likely to change it. However i have some advice for u and u can take if u want or throw it if u dont care coz sister nadia and sister Amy specially have given u some great input. i would say y dont u just find a way to condition ur thought process. i mean y dont u deliberately distract it from this issue for a while. lets say just for a while. i see how these events have stolen ur personality and is destroying u for worst. kindly strengthen ur social life b mixing with relatives and friends more often. Go out for a girls time out with old buddies. focus on ur health by taking right suppliments and joining a gym. have u tried other cardio vascular activities like dance aerobic or swimming? they r fun. learn to swim if u havnt or enrol ur name in a driving school if u havnt learnt to drive yet. i might sound silly to u right? the reason y im telling u this is coz i need u to feel like u are on ur way to achieve something u had lost hope in learning ever since u never thought u could or u would do anything like that. i know u said u were an amazing cook but how about taking a short term advance course in baking or something with a great chef in ur town?
      do something thats not really u. change ur wardrobe, get a new hair color, tell urself LET HIM HAVE ANOTHER WIFE IF HE WANTS, im still a catch and too bad for him if this polygamy thing doesnt work. some lucky man is waiting out there. it wont b easy for u to tell urself that especially if u love him to bits but my personal experience is... the more u cling to ur man or should i say the more insecure u feel the more he will make u chase him. in short ur insecurity will push him away a lot further than u can imagine. im not a male basher but i can assure u on this one. so to look like u dont care much you should feel like u hardly care. let ur attitude speak '' tch tch too bad u will miss me.''. By no means im saying i want u to look arrogant to act rudely with him, im just saying get a handle on it. u may not b in control of what he chooses to do but u sure have a hell lot of control of how u want to feel and u want you live. You have spent way yo much time on worrying about a baby for him and a new wife for him, NOW, its about u. focus on ur health. think about ur joy. to nurture a child u need a healthy body and mind.

      You know i feel strange envy right now. any1 who is tested with so much pain simply cannot b ordinary. u must b close, really close to Allah.

      lots of love and hugs to my sisters, Amy and Anna. May Allah make it easy for u in the mean time ur sisters in faith shall continue to pray.

      • Nadia Thank you so much for the advice and amazing story of your mother in laws. MashALLAH, it is hard to believe that these days someone will be so loving and caring for her co wife. Alhamdulliah I have no intentions of getting a cowife, but who knows what will happen. since i do think he has his mind set on this second marriage idea.
        I did ask my doctor the first and second time why this happened, she said we are not going to go into it, it is too early to determine, and if you get your third miscarriage we will find out the reason then there is nothing to worry about, then she told me that she had 4 miscarriages and now has 1 boy, mashallah.

        apple green Thank you so much for this, I have talked many times with my husband on this topic, but he always changes the topic, and i feel that he has his mind set, but yesterday i tried to talk to him again. he said look, we both decided on praying and trying to conceive for the next 2 months after ramadhan if nothing happens then talk about it. right now you need to focus on your health and be more relaxed. If nothing happens then we will talk right now i am praying to be blessed from you. I didn't say anything, i felt confused, that he seemed confused. but that is good, that he is giving me more chances. alhamdulliah.

        Your father married because he was in love with someone, that is not fare, he should of have thought about his kids first. that is selfish, iam sorry not to be harsh.
        I gave my husband two options:

        1. if he is eager for kids, and feels that i can't give him kids, marry now when iam young also, so that if i don't get used to this, i can divorce you and move on with my life.
        2. if you get married when i am 40 i will feel more upset, because you left me at a time when i would need my life partner the most.
        3. i said if you really want to marry, how do you know she can give you children, why don't you divorce me, and let me free, so i can marry someone else have kids from him. that time my husband decided to keep quite. this was the first time i stood up for myself.

        Apple green, i am really happy to read your advices as well, i started reading them yesterday, but then had to leave and continued this morning, when i was at my fertility doctor clinic, and i started crying just because of the advices and courage you gave me. i felt as if i had strength in me all over again. i never felt so good.

        yes I know how to drive, i have joined the gym, i am focusing a lot on weight loss. I do go for walks, i try my best to meet up with family and friends. I always go out with husband, almost everyday. I try my best to keep him attracted to me, I keep myself clean, i die my hair always, love myself in curly hair. he likes me in makeup i do it all the time to keep myself attracted towards him. he says he loves me, but ALLAH knows more.

        Yesterday during our conversation, he mentioned Anna right now I am focus on praying for us and no one else, i want your kids and i mean that. ALLAH knows what I want the most. And even if I have thought to get married, it is not a huge deal, but ALLAH says if you don't have kids then marry another, only if you can afford her ( pay for her needs). so i said ok fine thank you for giving me time, and i will focus on myself more then what you want me to think for. he always changes the topic and says i don't want to hurt you i don't want you to think of this. i have you two months to pray and focus on kids and not on my personal life etc. i jsut ddint say anything to him after. now you know why iam confused lol, he just can't say one thing to me, he is the one who is confused and want me to be a part of it. but I have left it all on ALLAH because I know ALLAH will not let me down. My husband can't win in this, I have full faith in my ALLAH.

        so now iam just focused on my treatments and working on them, today i got the best news from the doctors, i was in shock, but happy, i think my dream that i was shown from ALLAH will come true, for sure this month. I can't be more thankful to ALLAH to hear such good news. But I am not ovulating yet, but when i do and it triggers i will be so happy!!... I think I am going to tell all of you first even before my husband. my prayers are reaching ALLAH, alhamdulliah. I am not pregnant yet... but they say chances are 70 percent so far.

        when i was reading your post, i just remembered myself 2 years ago. The first thing I said to him was, you want an other wife, go get an other wife, but remember who knows if ALLAH will give you kids from her. And I suggest you leave me first divorce me then get married, who knows if ALLAH blesses me with the other man's kids. that time he kept quite and said I want your kids, and no one else. I don't know what he feared, ALLAH or, the fact that If he divorce me i can get pregnant from some one else. Well don't know but all i know if I trust my ALLAH.

        Anna p.s your advices and amy's advices are like GOLD for me... <3 I will keep them safe and I will focus on them. I will not let anyone down.

        • Yes dear sis your right i dont want to set any kinds of deadline. Today the docs gave me more hope. Oh sister alhandulliah i am not alone my Allah , my family and my inlaws are on my side and they all give me hope. Yesterday i told my husbabd what i want how i want it how i feel and what i think of this. I know Allah will do best for me, even if it a child or even if it a co-wife. Allah will never put me in a huge test inshallah.
          After reading your post, i feel more educated on this matter. I feel from your experience i have learned a lot. These things will help me alot in the future and present

          Today i talked with my brother's wife and told ger the whole problem and told her how negative i felt a few months back. I felt i was married to a disbeliever astaghfar. But now i dont feel that my husband is asking me forgiveness and wishes he never said to me that he wants to remarry for kids. Because since then i feel negative abt myself.

          Anyways i told my sis in law that i even asked my husband if i am not pleasing him or if he wants me to improve sexually. He said iam good and suggested stuff and i told him how i want it too. My sis said that is good, try to keep youself matained, keep urself clean keep ur house clean cook good food all what he likes. Make him feel he is nothing without u. And she said come to the gym with me everday like you used to before all this, it will calm you and make you feel good about yourself. She said she will force me to the gym, and you will come. She said find a job save up for your future, who knows what will happen stay strong stay put be happy abd stay relxed.

          I am feeling si good about myself after that conversation with her. I also feel good that you shared such important infirmation. And sister relate to your mom because i have been begging for chances sine 2.5 years. Alhamdullah was blessed with two pregnancies, now i beg him to give me my final chance and he did give me but with alot of strings attached

          Today i am confident and today is jummah this day started with joy for me abd alhamdulliah is going good so far i hope and pray my entire life will be like this happy and stress free, ameen

          May Allah give your mom health and a happy life, ameen what is she up to noe a days. I hope your married is going good and your husband loves you even if the wedding was done against your will. Allah does best for all of us, we just dont understand the meaning of it. Anna

          • Yes sis my husband is a kind man. Loves me and the kids. i hope he doesnt change. i know i will have to face more challenges in future, coz they come in episodes with uncertain interims. i just pray i exhibit enough strength to fight them gracefully. sometimes when i am by myself resentful memories do come by and leave me tearful but we all learn to say Alhamdolillah coz we only get what we deserve.

            thanx for asking about my mum. Her life is just as stressful and she is aging rapidly. also dealing with a lot of ailments that stress brought her, but again Alhamdolillah their marriage is not as violent. She was a very hardworking and kind person with a lot of faith in Allah s.w.t. may Allah elevate her position in akhirah. verily with hardship comes ease.

            At the end of all that was said and done, she has realized that not every victory is worth the battle.

  8. i will pray for you sister, may allah, out of his mercy, bless you with a child of your own.

    dont be grieved because your husband wants to have another wife.
    you see, it is so lawful for him to go into poligamy even if you have a baby of you own, if he so wishes so. and as a good muslima, you will accept him having another wife if he wishes to have more, because Allah has made it lawfull for him anyway.. and you wouldnt want to frown at what Allah has made lawful.

    you see, from the look of things, you sound like a piouse muslima. you shouldnt forget this, that you are undergoing a test from Allah.

    just stop bordering your self, put your mind in peace, and stop letting anything to disturb your peace of mind.

    i know your worst fears, your fear is not doing into polygamy per say, your fears is that your husband might be more inclind to the other wife because of the children they would shear. and that might increase your sorrows owing to the fact that you have no child. and the lady might be filling superior to you. and he might discard you and focuse on her.

    this is what you fear, or am i wrong?

    if you feel your mind is not at peace and you cant handle polygamy, then tell him clearly your position and what you fear. demand more time from him so that there will be more chances of you conceiving.

    remind him the fact that it is Allah that give children, and that you have faith in ALLAAH.
    even if he remarries, it is only Allah that can give children, and Allah can decide to withold it again.

    but if he insist on polygamy, then dont stand on his way, and stop thinking too much, put your mind in peace. and learn to accept it with time.

    just remember that the life of this world is short, soon, very soon we are all going to die, the live of this world is just a deceiving enjoyment.
    there is nothing of worth in this worldly life. so wise people strive for the akhira whilst still in this world ..

    so its nothing sister , if you lose something in this worthless and decieving world.

    just pray that Allah will reward you for patience. and substitute it with paradise/jannah for you.

    take care


    • Br. Mohd,

      I agree with much of what you say. But one thing I don't understand, and maybe it is my shortcoming, is when men, generally speaking, say "don't be grieved if your husband wants another wife." On one hand we say that women are emotional and on the other hand we expect women to NOT be emotional.

      I feel at times that there is a double standard (but do not doubt Allah's word) when it comes to how some men expect women to react to polygamy--it is almost as if it is expected of them to be like a man and handle it with minimal feelings. I honestly think that if men allowed women to react more, be emotional (rather than be emotionless) and voice their thoughts more, in the end, it would make such situations easier and manageable.

      Still ur advice about this world was a good reminder to us all. JazakAllah Khair.

    • @mohd brother 🙂

      That is exactly what i fear. I fear that he will be inclined over her more, I don't want him to do anything that ALLAH will punish him for, as ALLAH does punish the one who is inclined to one wife more then the other, because he is not treating them equally. yes I do fear that he will love her more, even he has said he will never love her more, but that is also not treating her equally with me.

      when I was told that my husband can and will marry, if i don't get pregnant really soon. I started to do research on polygamy and how ALLAH want the wives and husband to behave and what are the rights and what are the wrongs. I wrote down all the facts and said, Husband, I am not going to let you be injustice, to any one of us. I don't want you to incline in front of either one of us, u will ahve to be equal in all means, in love shopping, divide of days and nights, etc.

      I also told him at a good muslim lady, i have no rights to stop you from doing this, I will be hurt but I have no rights to stop you selfishly, but I would not want you to commit a sin after getting married. I told him please think it over, just for kids you get married, but what if you make a lot of mistakes and you will be punished for them, I told him to think it over.

      You know brother there is only one think that ALLAH has given a woman, that completes her completely is the ability to become a mother, and give birth to a child. I feel really incomplete. I want to feel my baby move in my womb, i want to experience child birth, I have feelings, I want to be a part of my friends when they talk about their children. I want to share experiences. I want to be COMPLETE!

      Thank you so much for taking the time and helping me. I really appreciate that you actually understood my fears. But my ALLAH will help me in the future.
      Again it is only 50 50 that he will marry or not, he wants to marry but only for kids, he said if i can give him a pregnancy in the next two months he will never think to marry. inshallah


  9. To amy, nadia, apple green, mohd, saba, sister, sum and farrukh...

    Just some news i wanted to share, with all of you, as i have mentioned it already on some of your comments. I have a really good chance of get pregnant according to my reports today, from my fertility doctor. InshALLAH if anything comes up I will tell you guys on this post. I have a question should I tell my husband about todays reports and how they where, I don't know who he will react.. I know he will be happy to know that reports were good, but what if he doesn't feel happy?? let me know!!

    Also please keep me in prayers, and keep on suggestion me more things that I should know of. I promise to ALLAH, I will never love hope in him, I also promise that I will not disobey any of the great advices and suggestion and stories that I was given. I will always keep myself engaged in prayers, and will hope for the best for myself, and my husband and my family (Inshallah). I am making a pledge with you all.

    Since you guys have helped me a lot, and guided me through my toughest time, I will never forget you and will never forget the love and wishes you all have shared with me. I feel as if I have a new life. After talking with my husband yesterday, I have thought of two things...1. leave everything in ALLAH's hands, focus on my health and appearance, give my husband his space and time to think... 2. Trust ALLAH, stay focused on prayers, and treatments, and never talk about him getting married unless, my husband wants to talk about it. because he doesn't talking to me about it thinking that i will get a lot of pain, but he doesn't understand it hurts me more not talking about it. so i feel that now i don't need to talk about it, and if i feel pain ALLAH is the one who I will talk to, and ofcourse I have great caring people here, who can help me as well.

    JazakALLAH, May ALLAH bless you all with joy, and beautiful families, May ALLAH guide us all to the right path, ameen.

    Day by day my attachment, faith, and love towards ALLAH grows like fire. InshALLAH whatever he does for me will be in my favor, if not he will never make me feel like a third wheel. I have full faith in my ALLAH.

    Lots of Love and Best wishes:
    P.S, I have also send individual responses to all of your comments as well 🙂 peace 🙂

    • YAY!! Alhamdolillah. Mashallah. i dont know if u should tell him or not. if u do he'll b happy and will become as hopeful as u r. that should lift ur spirits, but dont tell any1 else about it, u know just in case.. coz some ppl get easily jealous and u wont realize. Since u have miscarried many times i wont even advise u to announce ur pregnancy until it advanced to a safer stage. In fact i think u should let the baby bump make the announcement. Iam so glad that u feel positive. 🙂 This feeling will bring u positive results insha allah. my prayers r always with u sis. b happy alwys. may u have a very happy and healthy baby. A cute ''chubby bubby'' as i called happy bouncy babies when i was a kid lol.
      May Allah bless u with a happy monogamous marriage with ur home filled with lots of love and babies' laughter. Ameen Ya Rabb.
      Take care.

      • Salam dear sis Apple Green!

        How are you? Thank you for all your enthusiasm in encouraging, helping me and showing me the love and respect I deserve. Alhamdulliah, everything is going well. I didn't tell him anything that days, but two days ago we had one more appointment there i took him with me and we where told from the doctor again about everything.

        I am still stressed and do think of the second marriage issue, because the lady called me yesterday (the one looking for a girl), and told me that she is going to see a girl for you us today. So I was kind of stressed. She contacted me at the wrong time and date. I am ovulating these days. So I kind of took stress, but I am positive that ALLAH will not fade my desire. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and my tunnel is almost reaching the light, InshALLAH.

        Thank you for the advices and lovely comments. The most thank you for sharing your personal experience with me, I feel more comfortable and experienced after reading all these amazing stories.

        I will not inshALLAH tell anyone, about my pregnancy, if it will happen some time soon. I have thought that I will not tell my husband either untill i am 8 weeks and it is confirmed that the baby is stabled and heart beat and growth are perfect.

        I am happy that your marriage turned out to be perfect.I hope that your husband and family treats you with all respect and love always. I am also happy that you other is out of an abusive relationship. I am impressed please give my regards to your mother.

        Remember me in prayers, thank you... ANNA

  10. My prayers are with you...i hope you have some great news soon and may Allah grant you peace and happiness in both world! ameen

  11. Salaam sis,

    Do not in Allah set that you will get pregnant. I have been a nurse for over eight years and have seen many women who were told they could get pregnant by any chance and then boom:-) 🙂 they naturally do.....stress can kill fertility,just relax and enjoy your husband.......make sure you are exercising hand eat lots of vit d....they have those ovulation monitors that are great as well but pls don't stress! I was told when I was 23ish that bcos when I was a young girl I was sewn shut that I would probably never be able to carry and now I have five kids mashallah..and I got married at 29.also I don't know what country you live ij but Saudi has great fertility specialists in jeddah that have over 60-70 percent success rate..or you can get your md to give you clomid.

  12. Sister keep in mind as well that a second wife he has to provide with equal I am a second wife..and everything is split down the middle.there is no sharing of one house.he has to provide her her own home and car if h gave you one.I think that also you should think it through bcos as a first wife I think it will be very tough emotionally and he will definitrly have to work harder to provide efficiently.

  13. Sister lastly I wanted to say,I don't know which country you reside. Reason you are miscarrying but obviously you can conceive.. if it isn't a chromosal problem or that you have cysts which can be removed..they can plug your cervix ...this is done a lot in saudi..there are alot of resouces

    • Salam

      Dear sister I wll reply to all of your messages in one.

      First thank you so much for your help and understanding.

      I am trying my best to conceive and I live in canada here treatment is great and I am taking clomid and metformine and that is about it. so treatments here are good. Only ALLAH know in what he will put shifa for me :)..

      I have gotten pregnant with clomid before so lets see how it does now. Yes your correct stress does take over me and does ruin all my hard work on conceiving..

      I did talk to my religious leader, and also searched on the internet, they both said, that if the both wives agree to live in on house it is fine. as just providing for her financially and physically has to be the same. and if the wives don't agree on the same house then they should live in two different places otherwise they can stay in the same house and have different Hujray (rooms). So Iam not worried about that anymore. it is really my husbands headache i don't know why i took it so much. I also know a two co-wives who live in the same house they are fine. In pakistan most of the men keep their wives together as well. If it was a must then everyone wouldn't kept them in the same place. Or they wouldn't have married for the second time if they can't afford two places....but people still through their second wives on the first wives and most of the first wives are not even informed before hand that something like this is gonig to happen. but Alhamdulliah I am informed about it.

      I always feel sorry for the first wives because they stay with the husband for such a long time and the second ones come in and destroy there lives. I can just feel for the first one, because alot of post i read here are mostly about first wives getting co-wives no second wife has mentioned any of her sorrows. I guess second wives never face any sorrows... I am just speaking in general. If you don't mind can you tell me how your relationship is with the co-wive and how you both are together I need to know so I will know how to behave also. One more thing did she not have kids either that her husband married you??? Or it was some other reason.

      Plz reply soon.

  14. Hope I'm not too late sis and oops I forgot my salams

    Just wanted to give u an idea of getting pregnant.... I wasn't able to conceive in my first five months of marriage since I really wanted to kids so my mother in law got seven dried dates and recited surah muzzamil on each date she said consume a date each jummah after ghusl and so I did and after a few weeks I found out I'm pregnant. Read rabbi habli miniswalaheen as this will protect ur child from harm and the offspring also is pious.
    Stay blessed and keep smiling may allah grant u with bundles of joy soon!

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