Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my husband using me, what should I do?

Who will marry me?

Salaam brothers and sisters

In the name of Allah the most beneficent the most merciful.

This may end up being a long post, but I would be grateful if you could get to the end of it.  I suppose I should start at the beginning, nearly 3 years ago I met my husband through a friend and regretfully I must admit that an arrangement was made where I made a deal that I would help him to gain a visa for money.  The ceremony took place and the process started.  2 days later I felt ashamed by my actions and told him that I do not want his money, but as I had promised I would carry on with the visa.  He accepted this, and came to my house to leave some of his things, we talked for a while and over 2 weeks we got closer.  I want to be honest about what I say if I don't then it changes the story, I know my actions were wrong and I repent to Allah for this.

So he moved in with me and we began a relationship, even though I am 17 years older than him.  I am previously divorced with a 9 year old boy.  We were getting along fine for a few months but I did not feel good about not having a nikha,  I mentioned to him and he said the English ceremony was acceptable, but still I did not like it so after months of asking him he did.  The way he did it was a bit off.  He announced the night before that it was going to happen tomorrow but I was not allowed to tell anyone.  At the nikha I felt so confused because I really wanted it but the fact that it was a secret nagged me.  It was very basic 2 of his friends, and no conditions asked of me nor did the sheikh ask me if I had conditions , it was a I agree x3 affair.  I had no one there on my behalf, first question is this nikha permitted?

However time went on and I asked him to tell his sister about our marriage he refused to.  I mentioned about having a baby he refused, reason being he is too young.  Some months later I asked him to tell his family about me they thought it was all about the visa so they knew about the English version.  His parents passed away when he was young.  He has a elder sister here who knows me and occasionally I go to her house.  I just wanted him to tell her about the nikha and he says that he loves me and that should be enough why do I need to tell the world.

18 months after marriage I asked him that I desperately want a baby and it has to be soon as I am getting older (39), he goes no way.  We have now been married for 3 years and he has his visa now.  Still no change about telling his family or baby.  Can cut it short now lol.

He does not contribute to household bills or food.  On many occasions I have asked him to build a relationship with my son but he has not its so bad that he does very rarely speak to him.  I have begged and pleaded with him and sat by and accepted everything.  We have had several serious conversations and I have plainly said that I can't accept this any longer,  he just says that he will change it never happens.  I can't let him treat my son like this anymore, and I don't want to sit here and in 6 years or so watch him have a big wedding with someone else have someone else's child that would break my heart.  He says that he won't be unjust to me.

He is a very ambitious person and very focused on his future, but I feel that ultimately I am not a a part of it even though he says I am.  Do I continue with this marriage or should I just leave? I have been honest as possible I hope this helps when giving advise.

May Allah reward you for your efforts.

saira75

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12 Responses »

  1. Asslam Aleykoum Sister Saira

    I am never the type to rush in to telling anyone to opt for a divorve. Even in the worse case scenario I still try to find a reason for couples to stay togather.

    Your situation however goes far and beyond reasoning. This man does not fulfill any of his responsibility as a husband.

    "Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which Allah has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions...."
    [Qur’an 4:34]

    1. You provide for him when he is supposed to be the provider and protector of his family
    2. He is hiding you from his family
    3. Did he even offer you your righful mahar?
    4. The whole nikkah situation has been handled suspeciously
    5. He treats your child poorly

    "Among His signs is the fact that he has created spouses from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquillity with them; and he has put love and mercy between you. In that are signs for people who reflect."
    [Qur’an 30:21]

    Are you happy sister? If not and still not convinced, take a look at the pointers above.

    Think of your child's wellbeing sister and yourself. Find conetentment from Allah SWT and not from any human being. Only then can your heart be at ease.

    "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest"(13:28)

    SisterZahriya

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    You have asked if you should continue this marriage or just leave?

    Only you can make this decision.

    Let me do say that what you have is not really what you would consider a "marriage" in the typical sense. It has been kept secret, you are playing the role of a woman and a man in the marriage and he is behaving like a user. If this is the life you want, that is your choice, but it isn't really a marriage in which the roles are being properly fulfilled. He has full advantage over you and is abusing your silence and good nature in every way possible. This is not how love is reciprocated in a marriage.

    I don't know if the decision to just leave is wise--but I do think you need to speak to a few different scholars in your local area and get their advice.

    Please do not accept this treatment because you consider yourself less due to your age or because you have a child. Anyone who considers a person less due to these reasons has narrow thinking. He is using you as a stepping stone and playing his cards carefully and cleverly--intentionally not having a child with you and not contributing to the household--and I assume that you are both intimate. This is no way to live. He doesn't need to marry someone to be unjust to you, he already is being unjust to you.

    May Allah help you and help him to live with you in kindness and with justice, Ameen.

  3. Sister,

    He said, "he would never be unjust with me."

    He married you for his own selfish needs, he keeps you in limbo for his own selfish needs and when the time is right, he will leave you and move on when it meets his needs. So in all truthfulness, he has been unjust with you from the beginning. He married you as a means to an end.

    Only you can decide where you go from here but you need to consider your son in all of this. You need to consider the ramifications when this man walks out of your lives and the impact it will have on your boy. Your son sees this man as a father figure in his life and the game this man is playing can have life long repercussions on your son. Your marriage is nothing more than a sham and a matter of convenience for this man. You deserve much better. Your son deserves much better. It's time you think more about yourself and your son in all of this. This is not a way for anyone to live.

    Salam

  4. He has married you for selfish reasons and it is very clear but sometimes we as women choose not to see these red flags. You deserve much better and who most likely will not change. Do not let your age make you feel you deserve this. Find a way to leave him safely and then run! Do not have any contact with this man or he will try to control you so you can care for him. I would say get out as soon as possible and make sure you leave safely with your son as some situations where a man is using a woman can be dangerous as they do not want to let go of what you give him. None of your Islamic rights are being fulfilled. Be courageous and respect yourself and take good care of your son as he should be your priority. This is not love and that is why he wants to keep it secret as well as not have children with you so he can leave you easily. May Allah bless you and give you courage and remember your never alone as you Allah is always with you and you should depend on Allah first before any man. Later then Allah may bring you the right spouse,but now concentrate on you and your son.

  5. Sister ,you have confessed that you arranged this marriage for money and he did it for Visa. .later you changed your mind ..He got his Visa and now it's turn for you to get back the money ...You too are involved in the mess and equally responsible ...what you are expecting from a 22 old young man? To look after your kid ? that guy seems to be very intelligent ..He got the Visa also and also Sex with you ..clearly he don't want to have baby with you as it will be easy for him to quit anytime ...I am sure he will give reason that his parents won't support him bcos of your age and run away ..time for you to clear the mess ...

    • Are you saying this type of behaviour is to be expected from a 22 year-old Muslim man?

      • If a 22 year old or 52 year old is highly Islamic (I meant by heart) will behave like a more responsible person in terms of commitment etc etc ..But here the case itself is opposite ,both got married in a strange manner with ought bothering about validity of this marriage .Also it was more kind of agreement like money for Visa and vice versa so why to crib about it now ? There is high possibility that he might run away once he becomes financially stable ..No one is victim here ..if she starts thinking practically now once honeymoon phase is over then she should realise that this mess ix created by both of them and needs to clear together ...obviously for 22 year old person first priority will be career than raising some other person'S kids ...people needs to be realistic here ..

  6. Hello Saira

    Marriage is not a game , but people say it is like Gambling. it is the sweetest and most complicated relation in the world.Main problem with Marriage is ,when the complicated side becomes prominant. So trying to make it balanced is the wisest thing. Question is, your husband is ambitious , may be arrogant and self centred. This kind of people might have EMR(extra marrital relation) in later life. Now u r having problem about your son only but later you may have more serious problem, when he will totally stay away from u. Ur son will grow up and and will become a psycho or depressed and u will be another depressed , there will bo no happiness. If he is acting then u will never find out his real classification. He is waiting for a favorable chance or time when he can get rid of u. Always be very careful for being murdered by him. In my country such a murder happened , the girl was senior to the man ,, that man was a doctor and after 7 yrs of their marriage the man killed her in the bathroom . So I think it's better to leave and get married to an older ordinary family man. I got married at the age of 44 yrs with a widower and MashaAllah am happy, why can't you? if u r not happy and always acting to behappy then I am also doubtful about the usefulness of this kind of marriage in Islam.

  7. Rabiya: I don't think its a very good idea to freak the woman out by saying her husband may be plotting to murder her.

    Lets use our brains and not let our imaginations run wild with us.

  8. It sounds to me as though he is using you and while he is probably content to live with you and enjoy intimacy and home comforts, he definitely does not love or respect you. His plan to get his visa was first in his mind and now he is just biding his time until he can better himself. I'm sorry to say.

    His treatment of your son is awful and not acceptable. I am so very sorry to hear that you are in this predicament and although no one can decide for you, it does sound as though you would be better out of this 'marriage'. Maybe if someone can tell you the validity of your marriage under Islam you would feel better about leaving. SisterZahriya did say that the nikkah was handled suspiciously. I wish you all the best as you work this out.

  9. OP: This may end up being a long post, but I would be grateful if you could get to the end of it. I suppose I should start at the beginning, nearly 3 years ago I met my husband through a friend and regretfully I must admit that an arrangement was made where I made a deal that I would help him to gain a visa for money..... We have now been married for 3 years and he has his visa now. Still no change about telling his family or baby. Can cut it short now lol.

    He wanted Visa and you offered him Visa and physical relationship too. Is there a condition that he has to stay married to you for 6 years? You forced him to have a sham marriage with you.

  10. I agree this is a sham marriage.
    I am sorry BUT your in the fault here you created this mess FOR MONEY. Then later regretted it but gave him a visa anyway. I feel sorry for your son what type of mother are you. Logically no woman would agree to such marriage and no one forced you. This man is very selfish too chances are he is using you.

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