Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my Islamic mother crossing her boundaries as a Parent/Grandparent?

islam and waterfall, river, mountain stream

Hi There. I am a Born-again Christian, whose mother raised her in a strict Christian upbringing.

My mother converted to Islam 6 months ago and I have some serious concerns. I am very open minded and have been quite accepting about her change of faith however it has become too stressful to be around her.

Recently she wanted to go to an Islamic store to buy a dress, I was dressed quite modestly in Muslim standards (well in comparison to most western women). My mum got angry at me and refused to go to the store because she said she couldn't be seen in an Islamic store with a "Naked person" and that I was offensive to most Muslims because my lower arms and legs below the knees were exposed. (We had just come from my sisters Graduation).

It has gotten to the point where every time I see her we cannot have a regular conversation any more. She goes on and on about Islam none stop so much so I dread her coming to see me, and despite having been so accepting I'm starting to hate Islam which was never intended.

She plans on doing a Nikka marriage next week to a man she met 3 weeks ago who is 33 years old. She has lied about his age several times, I found out he was only 33 through a google search. My Mum will be 49 this year.

My husband is born Hindu, and has some statues in our home, when she comes to our home she desecrates the shrine to his deity and covers them with random objects which is disrespectful in his culture. She has also told me that she will not have me or my sister there when she marries because it's not necessary in Islam and she is just too busy for us. She has even gone so far as to say because she is a Muslim she will wear black in our big family wedding ceremony next year despite the fact that in my Husband's culture black is a symbol of death and is extremely offensive to his family to wear in our wedding.

I have asked her not to educate my son in the ways of Islam as I have chosen to raise him as a Christian, so instead she teaches him Arabic, he knows how to pray, and preaches to the 4 year old children in his school and Daycare about Mohammed. She then lies and says God must have told him because she has told him nothing.

I am at my wits end, I feel I have no say in how I raise my son, she even started asking him if he is a Muslim. She wears jeans and loose tops usually but was so angry that I wanted to take her to a Halal restaurant for lunch last week and said that a Muslim woman cannot wear jeans in public, only around family and friends. She wears them any other time, I felt like she was embarrased to be seen at a Muslim establishment with me.

I am losing my mother to Islam, we were once so close. She even posted on Facebook that family come last, Islam and her brothers and sisters come first. Last I checked man invented religion - God comes first, not Islam right? And to put strangers in front of your own daughters? I feel isolated and unloved, I once loved Islams and all they stood for, she even tells me that the Rebels in Iraq are probably Americans wearing head coverings trying to start war, and talks about how she hates the western world so much. She said that places like Saudi Arabia and the rules they have in place for women are good, and that Muslim women won't look at me because I am naked and they think I am trying to entice their husbands to have sex with me simply be not covering my head, or wearing trousers, or having my arms exposed. Please somebody help me. I have nobody to talk to and I am getting so depressed and upset about everything 🙁 🙁 🙁


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8 Responses »

  1. OP: She plans on doing a Nikka marriage next week to a man she met 3 weeks ago who is 33 years old. She has lied about his age several times, I found out he was only 33 through a google search. My Mum will be 49 this year.

    Well age is not important when people need a Visa/Green Card. Your mother is an adult and free to marry any one.

  2. Hello sister,
    Went through your story and I guess I can understand how difficult it is in you trying to cope with your mums new lifestyle, but that aside,you said here that you are beginning to dislike Islam which wasn't so before. So that means there was a point u used to like Islam, any reason y u actually liked Islam?did u meet sm1 that impressed you with it or read a book or attended a function? D point am trying to drive at is connect back with what made you like Islam in the first place. Now I want to give an advice which I don't know how it would sound to you but I feel if you can use it, it may help you to a great extent in getting your mum back interms of closeness,love and family ties.My Advice is, look out for a very very good muslim lady/woman, I mean a very very practising muslim in your environment that's very free to talk to.If you don't know one then maybe you could contact one of the local mosques in your area and speak with the Imam (the leader) of the mosque to connect you with a very good and knowledgeable muslim sister,who's good to interact with. Now this person would be someone you talk to about your mum and her Islam, she would make things clear to u where mum is right or may be wrong, and she would be patient in making you understand why mum has some new rules and view to things. By the time she equips you with good informations and solids proofs for them(because in Islam,things are based on proofs that are evident).With these, when mum goes wrong and u tell her what's right, I guess she's gonna calm down with u knowing that u've made the right findings and when she's has an idea of what u know,she's interested and this is a kind of connection between you two cz what matters to mum now over everything is Islam, so u knowing about Islam automatically brings u into one of the most important people to mum and I guess if u keep it up with your correct and authentic informations from authentic sources( not online,don't even think of it) then u r not gonna loose your mum,u wld have her right beside u.

    Am sure others here would be able to give many better solutions,av only tried with my little knowledge,may Allah grant u Hidayah to his deen,اللهم آمِيّنْ

  3. Your mother converted 6 months ago so some things she may say is not accurate not 100% correct yes you can wear jeans as long as its not exposing your knees and above.In islam woman are not allowed to wear shorts because it attracts other men.Since your christian did you know that mary mother of jesus covered her head like muslim womens do? She basically dressed like muslim women are suppose to dress.For once why dont you buy an english Qur'an study and read it with an open mind you will find all your answers peace.

  4. Your mother has convertitis. This is not uncommon. You need to set some ground rules - for example, she is not allowed to desecrate your husband's shrine. You might suggest that she not attend the big family wedding as it is clear she would be uncomfortable and would and you might suggest that she would be uncomfortable at the big family wedding with your husband's family. There is no reason for her to wear black, women may wear colored clothing.

    Suggest that she cease behaving like the Saudi Fashion Police regarding your clothing, and give you the respect that you have given her regarding her clothing choices.

    If Allah (SWT) wanted everyone to be a Muslim, everyone would be Muslims. Faith comes from Allah (SWT), and her behaving in a hateful fashion isn't going to cause you and your family to become Muslim.

  5. What your mother is doing is wrong. She is being mean and have wrong informations.
    She can't come to your house and starts disrespecting you or your husband.
    She doesn't have to wear black. You can tell her she is not welcome in your wedding ceremony because of this reason and because she's not respecting others. You are not welcome at her upcoming nikah too so she shouldn't have a problem with that.
    She has no right teach your son about islam and again she should respect your wishes. You are the mother. Don't let him be alone with her if you don't want her to teach him about islam.
    I could continue like this. I think you should tell her that what she's doing is wrong and set some rules when it comes to your personal life. She can't tell you what to do or what to wear.
    Good advice is to talk to some muslim woman and made your mother understand and explain everything.

  6. In order to face ur mother for her bad behavior, read about Islam and about Quran with an open mind without any prejudices. U will then be in a better position to give answers to her various habits that u don't like. With this method I am quite sure u will solve ur problems in an amicable way. Good luck & don't loose heart. May God have mercy on u. Ameen


  7. Javed: In order to face ur mother for her bad behavior, read about Islam and about Quran with an open mind without any prejudices.

    She has explained her problem. Why don't you help her with your knowledge of Islam and Quran?

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