Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my mother divorced or not??

wedding rings divorce

My father told my mother "I divorce you" once and then said it again after one month. Isn't there supposed to be a iddah that my mother is supposed to do? If my father says it again will she be completely divorced and he can't have her back? Please please help me. Kindly explain this matter in detail that when will she be divorced for real and if she does get divorced do we live with her or our father? If we live with her is it obligatory for our father to give her money monthly to take care of us?


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam alaikum Ayesha,

    Depending on what country you live in, the laws of divorce are different. In Islam, you only have to say "I divorce you" three times and then it's over, although legally in most places both parties would need to fill out some paperwork with the courts in order to be considered severed completely.

    It sounds like your father and mother are in the iddat phase now, where they have not said the final "I divorce you" yet, and you are all still living in the same house. During this time it is advisable that they seek help from a marriage counselor, preferably from the Muslim community. Your father still has the opportunity at this time to, with two adult witnesses present, say "I take you back" to your mother, or to physically take her back in private. Usually this iddat period is from 30 days to 3 months, depending on how long it takes for the two to make up their minds finally. They should get someone from your mother's side of the family and someone from your father's side of the family to arbitrate to find a better solution than divorce. Then if after that time your father says "I divorce you" again, then it's over.

    Then the man must give the full dower back to the woman, and the woman must move out of the man's house. In Islam, the father is solely responsible for his children's provisions, so he must continue to pay some sort of reasonable child support within his means, for food, clothing, and schooling, ect within his financial means. This amount must be agreed upon with two witnesses present, and usually it takes a court ruling. Depending on the children's age, usually if they are young then they live with their mother, and if they are older they may either go with their father or choose for themselves.

    I am truly sorry that you have to witness such a thing as divorce in your family. It's hard to see your parents hating eachother, and the best advice I can give you is not to judge either of them for their actions. They are still your parents no matter what and you still need to love them individually for all that they have done to raise you and bring you into this world. Individually they are good people and only Allah swt can judge them with full knowledge of their doings. Just try not to get too much in the way when they are being mean to eachother, and try to focus on school, Islam, and your other family too. Don't let this impending divorce divide your whole family. Keep in touch with everybody; your dad, your mom, your aunts and uncles on both sides, your cousins on both sides, and never lose sight of your siblings because they are the ones who know your pains the most.

    Salam alaikum,

  2. Salam,
    I'm sorry to hear you have to go through a divorce, I did as well when my parents divorced when i was 12. It was sad but i knew they weren't happy and I accepted their divorce. Divorce isn't the answer but if both aren't willing to give and take equally and be nice to eachother that just causes more hurt. The negative relationship between your parents is really bad for you and everyone else in the home. The truth of the matter is when someone decides they do not wish to be married to their spouse anymore it is always a horrible thing. But it usually means their relationship is lacking a lot of things they are not willing to work on. So most likely they will stay divorced. In most cases the mother does have custody of the children and the father pays child support. But in some cases the parents have joint custody and neither one pays child support.I liked joint custody personally. I hope they let you have a say in the matter. I wish you happiness.

  3. 3 times and that will be the end..Sometimes people don't really mean it so they say this out of anger. We must not use these words.there 4 major school of thought so follow one of them.They are correct.I follow the Hanifi school of thought and wife is a scholor.

  4. Sister, concept and norms of divorce differs to a small extent based on the mazh'hab you belongs to. Quran said that it is the blessing upon the nation to have different opinions among imaams. So if you would have mentioned your mazh'hab, it would have been easy to answer.

    However, Let me answer whatever little knowledge i am studying..

    Generally if 2 times divorce is been said and if it is not being more than 4 months & 10 days, then your father can take her back. (Please refer Al Baqara 228 & 229 verses).

    If you father say it for 3rd time, Then father cant re-marry her untill she re-marries someone else, gets divorced again and goes throw iddath period. Post iddath period he can marry her.

    Its your responsibility (hope you are not a small child to not to able to take such responsibility) to look after your mom even after divorce and also to take care of your father if he is not an able person to live at his own. Hence, you should stay with your mother, but never suggested to hate your biological father. If you have some other brothers, its then their responsibility not yours. Ofcourse, post divorce, its his responsibility to take care of his kids for which he need to pay at the cost.

    However, since I dont know your mazh'hab, I strongly suggest you to address this issue to local scholar of islam.

    These are the norms of islam, yet sister I would like to tell you few advised out of little knowledge Allah has granted to me. Firstly, you should try on fixing the patch between your parents. If they could come up and reconcile before 4 months and 10 days, nothing like it. Allah (swt) will bless you on this account. Prophet (s.a) said that he did a great deed by reconciling between Fathima (r.a) and Ali (r.a).

    Pray for us.

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