Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is she doing wrong?

My mother treats her mother (my grandmother) very harshly and rudely. its like she doesnt talk to her. She dislikes it and replies in a rude way when she talks to her or does anything wrong. this just started happening a year ago and keeps on getting worse.

My mother actually has been through a lot of bad situation and problems in life. she had been suffering from deppression. All of those bad situations made her harder from the inside and made her like to treat everyone differently from the way she used to. Shes fine with everyone except my grandmother.

my grandmother is a patient of diabetes and i now that diabetes affected her mental health she sometimes acts strangely and doesnt understand what she says. my grandmother sometimes says some harsh words that hurts others and even make us angry but we all know that its because of a medical condition. even though sometimes what she says really makes someone change the way someone thinks about her. and because of this my mother slowly started feeling hatred for my grandmother and the situation became worse. my mother even sometimes tried to tell my grandmother with respect and love to not continue this type of behaviour but she just doesnt understand.

My mothers marriage was being disturbed by my grandmother and this is why my mother started hating my grandmother. although even now everythings not that bad and almost fine she still continues that harsh behaviour. all this even came to the point when my mother shouts at my grandmother very harshly, i remember when my grandmother cried because of this situation and i was the one comforting and giving hope to her. and this has happened multiple times. even though my mother does this my grandmother does nothing except crying and being depressed. i even tried to talk to my mother to stop being so ignorant she has a list of all the memories when my grandmother said something bad to her or the way my grandmother changed the life of my mother and her marriage life.

even though its tough to be with a person like my grandmother because she sometimes acts strange and i know that because of my grandmother my mother has been through a tough time but still my heart believes that she does wrong. but my mother says that after marriage a woman is accountable for respecting his husband more not parents and that what she does is not totally wrong and she just becomes angry when i talk about this. and because of this situation i have started feeling bad for my mother.


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1 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Zephira,

    That is a beautiful name, by the way. I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's treatment and likely ill-feelings towards your grandmother. You write: "but my mother says that after marriage a woman is accountable for respecting his husband more not parents." This doesn't mean that she disrespect her parents either! She should be a accommodating and cordial as possible to them, maintaining boundaries as an adult but still being caring towards them.

    In your mother's case, it sounds like she has some deep-rooted resentment towards her mother/your grandmother, specifically one that requires her to reach a place of forgiveness. She is holding on to situations from the past that may have affected her negatively, and is therefore angry.

    Does your mother know that you have observed this type of behavior from her towards her mother? Because I feel you need to focus on what you are able to do in your position and let Allah take care of the rest. Maybe have a talk with your mother where you share that you've "noticed" that she is stressed when talking to her mother, and that you feel that her mother takes it very hard. See what she says. Other than that, you can continue embracing and consoling your grandmother, as that kind of love is comforting.

    Pray to Allah and make dua that He helps them to have a better relationship and happiness. You can pray the Salat Al Hajah, the 2-rakah prayer for a need, after which you can implore your creator for His perfect help.



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