Is there a way out of life? I don’t belong in this world
as salaam u alaykum all
I apologise beforehand if this is a little chaotic and unorganised. I'm writing down my thoughts as I go.
From the age of 16 I developed self esteem issues. At first I thought little about them and simply continued focusing on my schoolwork (a healthy distraction). I made it to university to study engineering only to find the insecurities becoming more intense. I know everyone finds the first few weeks of uni life a little chaotic and daunting but with me it felt like something more serious.
After 2 years of struggling with these problems I left uni. The thing is that my insecurities were not in my head. People I knew would all keep saying the same thing about me, perhaps if no one had made any such comments i would have been ok..but they made me feel so ugly and repulsive. As a guy its shameful to open up about this..people may think i am conceited..maybe coz they think guys don't do feelings?
About 5 years ago I resigned myself to the thought of staying single for life. A decision I do not regret. I'm 27 now and loneliness doesn't bother me. I've embraced it as a way of life. I spend very long periods of time alone. Of course over the years I have become depressed about other aspects of my predicament. I feel fine when i'm alone, but out in public i feel horrible, ashamed and even embarrassed about my appearance. I unconsciously turn away from people or attempt to cover my face when passing people by. As you can probably tell my life is very impractical.
The depression has led to suicidal thoughts. Luckily I've been able to contain those though.
If I did not suffer from this problem I would want to go back to university and study Astrophysics. I'd like to become a researcher in the field and move to Canada. It is possible so i've been told. I have the grades (alhamdulilah) I just don't think it is likely to happen with me feeling this way about myself. How can I go to uni when I can't even work around people? i've become an impetuous recluse. I hate being around people not because I hate them but because I'm tired of hating myself.
I am grateful to Allah for all that he has given me. People misunderstand and think I am just thankless. If that was the case I would complain all the time would i not? I'm fine and content on my own, but when i work or go out for any purpose I feel so awful and horrible about myself. I have a major problem around women. I hate being judged and I know they will judge me based on my appearance so I hate being seen by them. This in turn affects where I can and cannot work and so my options for work are extremely limited. Yes I have anxiety & depression but it all stems from my low self esteem, which in turn stems from all the negative things people have said about my appearance. Is everyone wrong?? doubt it. I'm better of accepting that I am different and ugly. Accept it and remain hidden.
If i can't get better and make it to uni then i just wanna either live alone in the wilderness in peace or pray for death. At the moment i do not see things getting any better. Im on medication now.. Im not willing to confide in a counselor. How will psychology affect what is physical?
If i go to live in the wild and starve to death would that be the same as suicide (since I know the risk of it happening)?
Please no one suggest marriage. I understand it can be a blessing for some. But i do not deserve anyone. I am not worthy. I made a promise to myself concerning relationships and marriage all those years ago and I do not intend on reneging on that promise. I will remain alone..
Lest anyone think I don't do much with my time, heres wat i currently do do to keep my mind occupied..
Study arabic, italian, mandarin chinese, wilderness living skills, teach & train gung fu, exercise and read books on religion, i'm also authoring a book on Christianity (I enjoy learning about Christian history for da'wah)
So my question is..living in the wilderness and dying out there..would that be the same as suicide? or does anyone have any duas for death..
God bless all you folks
Amen
Bobface
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Alwys ask Allah to make living better for me (as long as living is better ) and death best for me when death is best. Never ask for death. Ahadith.
That which is with Allah is best if only the believer knew. (Quran)
Bismillah
May Allah brighten your face sailing beautiful. Who can be a better bro. than he whose shame is self and mirrored to himself.
If you have no shame then do as you please. The first prophecy given to mankind. You are working on astrophysics of atoms the beauty of Aadam peace be upon him. Aadam created in the image of Allah. Aadam was ashamed of his body when he saw hair growth. Be of good cheer Bro.
WallSalaam..
(Ask Allah even to mend the broken strap on your sandal. Ahadith).
wa alaykumu s-salāmu wa rahmatu l-lāhi wa barakātuh:
Quote: "I hate being around people not because I hate them but because I'm tired of hating myself."
That one sentence really hit home for me. I know that feeling! Bits and pieces that you wrote here remind me of feelings I've had. It's weird in a way, to see one's own thoughts written down, coming from someone else.
That said, brother my heart goes out to you, but brother, please, please, please don't ask for death and definitely do not seek it out. I'm not saying that out of pity for you, but coming from one who has attempted to do just that several times. Needless to say, because I'm writing to you now, it didn't work out. I had left Islam and came back. I think that I will never try that again and I hope that Allah will forgive me that.
I can understand you not wanting to get married, but you're "not worthy?" Why? Says who?? You, ugly girls, beautiful girls? Because of your looks? No, you are wrong about that. Being handsome or not being handsome doesn't dictate if someone is worthy of marriage. What matters in a marriage is one's treatment of their spouse, and believe me, I had to learn that the hard way. Now, I see my husband in a way that I hadn't seen him before. Love has nothing to do with looks. Real love has a lot more substance than that.
My beautiful brother, please have patience. Remember that this life is a test!!! We seem to forget that in our troubles. Pain, so deep, we become consumed by it and it causes us to see things not clearly.
In your case, Alhamdulillah, you are an intelligent brother with something to offer. Subhan'Allah! The things you know, the things you can do...wow, Allah has blessed you with a beautiful mind!! You're studying all those languages and here I am wishing I could learn to speak Arabic fluently.
I am neither pretty nor ugly, but I would trade the wish to be beautiful on the outside for the skills and mind that you have any day. Astrophysics! and you have the grades for it?? Alhamdulilllah, Subhan'Allah, Allahu akbar.
Please, do not think I am making fun or taking your feelings lightly. I am NOT. (I hear what you're saying and I know what you are feeling. And if you say that I do not, well then I can definitely at least begin to imagine.) I want to open your eyes to the awesome beauty that is YOU. And no, I'm not a hippie just in case you're wondering. (=
I'm just a muslimah who came across what you shared here and had to say something. You're 27 and I'm 42 and I'm telling you don't throw your dreams away because you feel a certain way about yourself. No, you are not thankless, just a young man struggling with his inside and outside, and that's normal. I'm insecure at 42 and I was insecure at 27 and insha'Allah I will be insecure at 60 too.
At the end of the day we are a constant "work in progress."
Allah, The Almighty is the best of everything. The best of creators. He is THE CREATOR.
Insecurities, anxiety, depressions...these are small flaws in an otherwise beautiful work of art.
That's probably not coming across the way I want it to. At times, I fancy myself a poet, although I know very well that I am not. (=
What I'm saying is you have to trust in the Wisdom of Allah. Remain patient. Follow your dreams, your goals in life. My friend make no duas for death but make dua for the endless possibilities that Allah, The Creator has blessed us with.
Never think that it is shameful to be in touch with your feelings...Allah put them there for a reason.
I love you for the sake of Allah. My brother, my friend.
Your sister in Islam,
Izache
Thank you for your message.
I just feel so confused though. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I feel a strong compulsion to leave society and live in the wilderness because of how dysfunctional I have become. I don't really feel much pride in what I know or the skills I have. They're just skills, millions of people can do this stuff. I don't know about astrophysics either..it would be nice but going to university everyday and being surrounded by people just seems foreboding.
I don't think it is possible to continue feeling this way and yet live a normal life. I'm on antidepressants now and i just feel worse.
I just feel so ashamed of myself when out in public, i feel like there is a sign on my back saying 'ugly fella coming through' but seriously thats how i always feel..how can i go to uni and pursue my dreams whilst feeling this horrible? I feel like hiding not getting out there.
I'm the eldest child and my parents have always been different with me..more regimented. But no one in my life has really made me feel appreciated or valued. I just feel unwanted and un-needed. Like an object. I don't think anyone has ever loved me. That word just sounds weird to me..'love'..i don't know what that emotion is. I'm just a cold person. which is why i would fare so well in the wild.
As for marriage...lets face it, someone who has never been in the least bit interesting to women is hardly gonna be able to get married. And if by some miracle someone were interested i would feel compelled to decline them.. just because I think everyone can do better than me and no one deserves the misfortune of being stranded with me...i don't even feel like a human being you know..thats the truth.
They say the hardest jihad is the jihad of the self. Brother, I know it's hard. Especially because you have convinced yourself so thoroughly that you don't deserve certain things.
You said: And if by some miracle someone were interested i would feel compelled to decline them.. just because I think everyone can do better than me and no one deserves the misfortune of being stranded with me.
But what if that is a blessing that Allah has intended for you? You can't cut yourself of from the possibilities of life.
I've been on antidepressants before and they can do a real number on you if they don't agree with you. Some even make the suicidal thoughts worse. So, if you haven't already, I would speak to your doctor about that. It could be that he could prescribe something different or add something to help the one you're taking now.
People are so cruel. Your words here remind me to be more compassionate and loving towards people. A kind word, a smile, a small conversation can mean so much. It makes me ashamed of the people I have hurt in my life. Believe me brother when I tell you that ill treatment of people does catch up with a person. Woe to the person who goes out of their way to belittle and insult other people.
If you don't mind me asking, do you read Qur'an and make dua?
I do read Quran but not as often as i should and I do sometimes make dua. But sometimes i feel too hopeless to try. I'm really sorry about your struggles..you've had a very difficult life. I hope it all gets easier for you. amen.
Oh that's good...some is better than none. I have to read more Qur'an too. I'm trying to get in the habit of reading the surahs we're supposed to read before going to bed. I get that way about dua to, just got to remember that shaytaan makes us feel that way. It can get challengingwhen one feels down. Just keep trying. I was just curious that's why I asked.
Ameen. Yeah thanks, Bro. Some days are easier than others, but we get through, right! Life really is a test and Allah tells us so. We just got to keep doing our homework, so to speak.
The beautiful thing about all of this is that Allah is with us and he made us an ummah...one body...so when we need it, it's there, we just got to take a hold of it.
May Allah bless my brother through these trying times, may He guide and give you strength and a renewed confidence...a courage to take hold of the rope He offers you...and may He give you a new sense of purpose and a strong mind to accomplish it. Ameen.
This is my dua for you. Salaam.
Thanks for trying to make me feel better though. And you clearly are a better human being than me if you suffer from the same problem and yet you've been able to get married and get on with life. Well done. Congratulations to you. I'm happy it hasn't beaten you.
Nah, no way, Bro that I am better than you. I used to hold a job, always worked, but in 2008 around there I had a nervous breakdown. I ended up in the hospital and all that. Someone called Child Protective Services on me and when those people showed up everything that was building up in me for a long time loosed itself. I had to spend sometime in the hospital for that one. That had been my second attempt. The first one happened somewhere around 1999 after an abusive relationship had finally ended and I didn't know what to do with myself. My last one was not that long ago, after being set-up by some people, for not being a good person. They humiliated me online and offline. Everyone around my way basically cut me off. My neighbors go by my door laugh and say things. My mother died shortly after that. One day while I was cooking I just swallowed a bunch of pills. I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't Muslim at the time, I had stopped being Muslim for a while and I believe now that it was Allah calling me back...that's why I got severely punished. All my ugly exposed out there for the world to see.
April 2013 I came back to Islam. I repented and begged Allah to forgive me. It's hard for me to even go to the bus stop to pick up my son because I'm so scared and paranoid. I'll never feel safe again. So, you see, it's easy to tell you to do this and that, but in reality, I'm stuck too.
I have thought, many times, to just disappear and live on the streets far away, but I can't do that to my son. I have a grandchild now from my daughter. I patched things up with her and I spoil that kid every chance I get with what little I have, thanks to my husband. Alhamdulillah. I stay trying to make up the wrong I did in hurting her feelings. My husband forgave me after everything I told him. I was able to take care of my mom for the three months that she lived after being diagnosed with bladder cancer. We hadn't talked for about a year...my fault, astaghfirullah. If she would have died while I was not speaking to her, Ithink I would have really lost it after that. She forgave me too. Subhan'Allah, God indeed is great! I will never leave never Islam again.
I noticed, I don't think about killing myself anymore like I used to be obsessed with dying. Now, I'm scared to die without getting things right with Allah. I read the Qur'an twice and I think that had a lot to do with it, plus praying salah and sunnah.
So, you see, I haven't beaten anything...I am here by the sheer Grace and Mercy of Allah. I wrote you because your words touched me and I'm sharing in hopes that you will give yourself the chance to fight. Fight yourself every chance you get and don't give in to shaytaan. He's very tricky and he's a liar. When he whispers do dhikr. I find that dhikr is very helpful in combatting shaytaan. And make no mistake he stays busy on you.
I love you for the sake of Allah. Your sister in Islam...Izache
Excellent response Sister Safiya
Salam brother,
As I was reading this, I could truly relate to most of the things you have mentioned here. The difference is I am a woman. I often tell my brother that looking good does not matter for guys, you just need to be clean and look presentable.
I cannot answer your question, but all I can say is may Allah (S.W) makes it easy for you, may He help you feel better about yourself. Amin
Also, no one is perfect to their own eyes. If there is something you can do (i.e sports to have a better body, changing hair style or shaving style, changing clothing). I believe there is some beauty inside of all of us, God would not create something that does not have beauty. You may not think your outer appearance is beautiful, but I am sure your inner is beautiful. Forget about death, do things you like. Be bold. I truly admire how you are doing things during your time. I just lay in beds for days and think, think, and think over again but reading you I truly feel like I could learn a lot from this post and use the time not to be just depressed and fly away from people, but to do productive things.
Well I think that the quote from above sums up your first step, "look for strength in Allah, not in your self". I'm not saying you're thankless or ungrateful to Allah,but I believe that the shaytan is using your weakness to try to detour you and sinking you in to a deeper depression, until one day you again act out the one thought that's been plaguing your mind,suicide, and May Allah forbid, you might succeed one day. Even if you think that your faith in Allah is strong and that you're religious, there's always room to improve and get closer to Allah.
In terms of you living in the wilderness and possibly dying there , might fall in to the category of you INTENDING to put your self in harms way(if any) and you might be indifferent about helping your self survive in that situation.
عن أمير المؤمنين أبي حفص عمر بن الخطاب رضي الله عنه ، قال : سمعت رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم يقول : ( إنما الأعمال بالنيّات ، وإنما لكل امريء مانوى ، فمن كانت هجرته إلى الله ورسوله ، فهجرته إلى الله ورسوله ، ومن كانت هجرته لدنيا يصيبها ، أو امرأة ينكحها ، فهجرته إلى ما هاجر إليه ) رواه البخاري ومسلم في صحيحهما . This hadeeth leads me to believe since all deeds are judged based on the intention behind them, you living in the wilderness is an act that's driven by the intention to isolate your self from the public and possibly dying "naturally ". I by no means knowledgable in such matters, nor am I a scholar in the subject, but this is my interpretation of the hadeeth, and May Allah forgive me if I have interpreted it wrong. If you are serious about living in the wilderness,then I recommend asking a sheikh from a local masjid near you.
In terms of your predicament, I think that you should give your self credit for making this far. I believe that getting past the teenage years with such thoughts is hard enough and to actually make it is an accomplishment. People can say that you have to be confident, have courage, don't mind what people say, do this or do that , but it's all easier said than done. You have to first want IN not OUT. Love your self, and know that's all the love you need,is from you to yourself. Also try to accept the fact that people WILL talk about you and will comment on your appearance but it's up to you to not give them the power to essentially make you a prisoner in your own body....also know that people will always find something to talk about even if you are the most handsome person known to existence, they will find something.
It's no doubt that you are a bright person with so much to offer,please don't sell your self short by limiting your own abilities.
I have an ugly friend. He is so ugly in fact you would think no girl would be willing to marry him. However he has more friends than I can count, a considerable number of them girls, and he can socialize so much better than me that a lot of people would completely ignore me while we were together. In fact, I can confidently say that I'm the one who has had experiences that are more similar to yours than those of his. When I was younger my mother would constantly tell me that I looked like a kid from a slum. My father was usually silent about our appearances but I felt that he was also somewhat critical. I grew up with the notion that girls would always look at me in a derogatory way and so I actively shunned contact with girls. It was only after I saw my ugly friend's interaction with girls did I realise that girls were humans. They don't always make judgments based on appearance. Visual appeal to them is like a rose in a bed of wildflowers but the wildflowers all have different forms. They know it and they respect it. Although I don't actively seek out conversations with women because of my religion I am sometimes actually more comfortable talking with them than they are with me (this I gradually learned was because I actually did have some visual appeal contrary to what my mother said).
Before I became socially adept, I used to perform social experiments. For example,I would smile while talking or I would talk about things I didn't have much idea on but which were rather popular. Of course these experiments almost always resulted in embarrassments but I have always had this fascination with experimentation and I would brush these embarrassments aside as inevitable side effects. I think if you can approach social interactions as experiments you won't be hurt emotionally. All experiments in social interaction are steps to better yourself. Social isolation should not be an option if you can help it. It almost always leads to sins like masturbaton.
By the way, you should know that Allah won't accept your promise to never marry. Its a promise you made to yourself and you are restricting yourself by it. I also used to promise God that I would never marry but after I started socialising I realised just how much pain it had brought me. Our souls always try to resist restriction, especially when we shun something that Allah has glorified.
And now i'm utterly confused. Still think celibacy is the best option
Assalam alaikum Brother,
Why are you confused? Please elaborate.
Do you know that we are supposed to put our trust in Allah especially when we search tirelessly for the answers and we accept the things things we can't change? Part of our Imaan is trusting Allah swt especially in times of depression--when it is most difficult.
im beat. no trust left. life is pointless. just meaningless.
screw it why the hell not kill myself! i don't belong here
Im utterly beat. no fight left in me.
whats there left to hope in?
This dunya is made to break you and make you see that nothing is left in it because it not an eternal abode, so yes, why would you put such high hopes in an ephemeral place such as this?
We should put our faith in Allah, Who has no beginning, no end, Who never breaks our trust and never lets us feel defeated when we put all our hope in Him.
The question you pose about killing yourself and hell is truly from shaitaan because he is your clear and true enemy and you are choosing to listen to his evil whispers. When shaitaan would see Hazrat Umar, he would change his path and shaitaan felt defeated by him and felt hopeless at trying to guide him astray. Don't you know that even shaitaan asked Allah for time til the Day of Judgement (and was granted his wish) to guide humans astray? And yet we as Muslims somehow give up and don't repeatedly ask Allah for guidance, peace and contentment?
Brother, everything you want is possible, but you are your own obstacle. Change the way you think...do you think you can?
its always the same old condescending rhetoric. if someone is struggling to function then of course he's too attached to the material world. of course!
so i'm my own obstacle? aint that just darn beautiful.
watever.
thanks for making me feel like garbage by suggesting all my problems are down to the way i think.
I know you're feeling low, but please realize that Saba and others are trying to help you. She's not obligated to take her time to try to guide you, but she does it out of concern. Your problems may not be down to the way you think, but your despair is. We cannot control what happens to us in life but we can control how we choose to respond.
Of course in some cases a person has a clinical problem and truly cannot control his emotions or responses. In that case therapy and medication can help.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum Brother,
I did not intend on making you feel low or like garbage and perhaps I don't know any better than you either--so by no means did I mean to be condescending.
If the advice wasn't useful, then so be it.
Perhaps someone else can help you inn shaa Allah and may Allah ease your pain, Ameen.
I'm sorry mr. Bobface. If my comment has made you feel helpless please forgive me. I only wanted to help.
confused not insulted. but im always confused so wat the heck. you've got nothing to apologise for.
If Im not mistaken this sounds like someone who has written on here before under "Suicidal thoughts" or I may be wrong. I used to be just like u a in July wen I first heard abt this site. I was so frustrated with life and myself I was looking for duas for death cuz I was too scared with the though of suicide and a straight ticket to hell.
Why are u so confused? Maybe its the support around u that u need in order to have some change and order in life. I started to feel somewhat better with that.
I know how it can feel to be alone. I have been alone and sometimes still think Im better off alone since my bad past still haunts me, I nvr met the rite guy and its been ten years, and I have lost interest and sumtimes even hope in things that make me want to be with sumone, so I just try to keep busy with other things.
Plz dnt give up, depression is tough, Im going thru it but the biggest test is how u survive through it and ask Allah for help. U have a lot of potential.
well observed. bobface = isa
At least ur making an initiative to get help somewhere, dont be so hard on urself 🙂