Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is this marriage acceptable?

Assalamu’alaikum

am  25yr old female .i had been sexually abused by my cousins.i couldn't tell to anyonr  n my family.i was so lost.and the fear  and sadness haunted me through day & nt.

during my predegree vacation i was introduced to one of my mother's relative.he is my grandpa's brother's grandson. he works as a policeman.i have started talking to him.gradually we become good friends.later i fell in love with him. i said that to him and he rejected by saying that ur parents won't agree with this.but later on v started loving each other.i hav told everything that happened to me and he gave me strength to face people.he helped me to get through exams by great mental support.

recently i had an episode of mental depression which he even couldn't handle for which i had 1month of psychology sessions. i told my parents that i wish to marry him.thy didn't agree because he belongs to broken family,low economic status,professional difference.

failure to make my parents agree for this made me more sad.i had a failed attempt of suicide.and tried to abscond from home alone.but he brought me back to hostel from a distant place.am afraid, i dont knw wat i vil do n mext moment whn i becom sad.i tried to convince parents in every way.they are not agreeing.they are compelling me for another marriage.am to complete my UG in next 8months.we r thinking of  a legal marriage before this and to do nikkah after its validation by making a Muslim scholar as  wali.

is this marriage acceptable?

if not, what should i do now to convince my parents? i wish to have them through out my life.i had been a hosteler for past 14 years. i wish to b with thm.

its like if i marry him i will end up n loosing my parents. they will never ever talk with me. if i accept thrm i vil loose him.i want both of them.what shld do now?

or

can i remain unmarried and continue to fast throughout my life without even contacting him?am afraid if we will fell in sin.am not able to replace any one for him.

plz help me to fix this

ddd


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5 Responses »

  1. Wallaykumasalaam ddd,

    I am not exactly sure if you can get a Muslim scholar as your wali in your situation. Your father is your wali unless he is unfit to be your wali for any number of reasons. Now, the fact that your father is denying this relation due to "broken family, low economic status, and professional difference" may be enough to disqualify him as these are not Islamically acceptable reasons to turn down a prospective marriage partner, but I'm not sure. You should probably ask a scholar about this!

    As to your other question, you can certainly stay unmarried if you have the strength to end this relation, or wait and marry someone else in the future.

    And Allah knows best.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • Assalamualikum,

      I have added my post from past 3 months which still remains unapproved. i dont know if there is anything wring with my post that it has not been approved. Since it is not approved I am posting my question here which perhaps is not related to the above. I apologise that I am diverting the topic to mine but I am helpless as I need suggestion soon and i cant wait till it gets approved.

      Here is my query and I apologise for the lengthy comment.

      I am married to a man from 6 years who is like 7 years elder to me . We have been through our ups and downs from 6 years almost shifted 10 houses -5 cities and now we have moved to another country. My husband had been good to me 2-3years of marriage. He appreciated me and we had good sex life also. Off late since we moved to another country from 1.5 years we have not been intimate with each other and he is always lazy and he just watches TV whole day . When I say him something we just end up fighting and arguing and he never gives me money when I ask him. He spends on me but I dont make him spend much on me except clothes and food nor he helps me in any household except vaccuming before we had maid to do all the things so it was not burdening me . In new country we do everything on own . He doesnt help me , appreciate me, doesn't give me time , It makes me feel not loved at all , Gradually, my emotions are going off and I feel life is nothing but a punishment imposed. I married him with my own liking so I am forced to be with him and also considering my situation back home I married him as my father was sick. I regret , I committed haram with him when he was not legal to me before marriage, I do repent everyday but its my past. I was not that wise and also was not so Islamic then though I had moral values. I thought its fine to get intimate with the one you love, which is wrong. But I regret and repent now. However, we married each other with the consent of our parents and our parents had no issues whatsoever then. Infact, even now my parents have no issues at all . Its between me & him that things are not right. I love him but I can't take that he is being so careless with me from 3-4 years almost but I used to ignore thinking he will change as time passed but it has only worsened now and I need a kid and I can't force him to come and sleep with me . I am shy to tell , Its like begging him and I have lot of self respect, I am earning myself so that I don't have to beg in front of him and off late I quit work as my father passed away and I had to be back to India and stay with my mother who is alone now. He taunts me that I leave him and go & he is not even ready to understand the situation at my home, though he lets me go as I don't listen to him( I don't listen cause my mother needs me more than him now). He wants me there so that I can cook for him and give him food on time and clean his house . I know its my responsibility and I used to do all this before my father passed away and I am just away from him from a month. But when it comes to giving me rights he backs off. Initially, when we moved to Europe and I found a job after a lot of difficulty as I had no European experience . He told me I am supposed to share house expenses as I earn on his visa.I denied coz he choses to live a lifestyle which is affluent and I never asked him for that lifestyle. We pay too much rent for just 2 people as he wanted to stay in a independent house and I was ok with small flat . He takes expensive cars and he wants me to share the expenses as he can maintain his lifestyle. I told him I am ok to share the expense if you want to buy a property for ourselves back in India and he says its not needed at this moment as he doesn't like to spend all his liquidity on an asset. The property we took 3 years back in India has been named on his mother's name and he took this after our marriage and when I ask him he says it's only for tax purposes. I am a finance graduate and I know his mother can easily do a gift deed to save tax and he lies to me stating that its for tax purpose only and he will change later . I kept quiet . But, now I just asked him hardly 20,000 rupees which is nothing for him and he says I should use from my savings and not keep asking him. I feel I am nothing but an unpaid maid now, He has a problem with me staying with my mother as my mother is alone and my father passed away recently and it is not that I am going to stay here forever .I don't know whom should I choose. When its his mother she comes and stays with us and I have to do all the work but when we stayed in the same city as my parents for a while . He didnt even invite my parents once and he expects me to serve his mother all along. My mother is sad after my father's demise. I regret not being with my father during his end times and I don't want my mother to face the same loneliness and I have no relatives. My sister stays with her and she is also seperated . I used to cope with him as my father used to be stressed about my sister already as she is seperated and also she has a kid and she has her cases going on in court already and even if I do the same my father wouldnt have been able to take. I cannot stay with him/ though deep inside I love him but I can't stay like a maid without he giving me any rights of a wife- I have no emotional support( we don't talk to each other at all as I am busy with my Job and he is busy with his and when I want to talk to him. He just watches TV and also asks me to watch with him & I don't like wasting my time . He is always in his gadgets, He takes ipad even when he goes to bathroom. So even if I talk anything . He doesn't listen. It is like I am just talking to a wall and if I raise my voice he argues and we end up fighting and not talking again for days and again when we reconcile its the same repetation). I have told this many times with him but he blames me for eveything that I raise my voice so he doesn't like it. I raise only when he doesn't even give me an ear and when I am sweet to him . he just takes me for granted. He doesn't give me sexual intimacy- he is not at all active , After watching TV he just sleeps and I sleep at around 10.00pm. I call him many times to room. He is only watching TV and comes and sleeps at around 11.00pm or 12.00am . I sleep early as I have to cook and work again next day ( He has no problem with me working. He used to have before but since he thinks I will ask him for money . He is ok with me working for that) nor he gives me any rights- His properties are on his mother's name. I am not saying I want on my name but atleast he can keep on his name . God forbid If something happend tomorrow atleast I don't have to go ask his family and He knows I have a lot of self respect and when I ask him for my expenses he plainly denies nor he expressed he loves me and he calls me with names which makes me feel bad and when I say that to him . He says he is just teasing me and calls me with love. Who calls a wife with crooked names with Love. He never said he loves me from 4 years. He used to do first 2 years ( not much but still he used to do).

      I dont know if I should leave him or stick on to him. He is not bad but as a husband he is not good to me ,My father has also passed away and my mother stays alone with my sister( my sister is not so responsible)so I feel bad for my mother that she has to do everything alone at her old age as my father left her. we have no relatives which he doesn't understand and I am an independent woman . I am dependent on him only for love even that he is not giving me. Should I stick on to him or leave him( Talking is not working anymore). I have done that already and I know its not easy for me to leave him or even live with him. Though I dont like the way he treats me but I still love him somewhere may be so I sometimes do miss his prescence may be I am used to him. I am now in India and I am thinking to reconsider this marriage. I never used to do before and I used to cope with him as my father was alive and he would be stressed. I have told my mother and my mother says- Do whatever you think is right for you and also I should add that he is not islamic. I pray my namaz but I can't force him as he doesnt hear me at all. He just simply ignores me when I give him religious lectures.He offers whenever he feels like and when he offers .he prays for like 2 hours and I am not sure which Namaz he offers too.

      Please help & suggest.

      Assalamulaikum,

      Naheeda

      • Wallaykumasalaam Naheeda,

        There seem to be a lot of questions submitted to this site so you probably are still "in line," and you will probably get more answers when your post is actually published.

        You write:

        "So even if I talk anything . He doesn't listen. It is like I am just talking to a wall"

        It could even be that he is hearing you but doesn't give you any acknowledgement that he is (such as not looking at you while you are talking or saying "ok" or "I see,") which is either a case of poor respect or poor social training. Some people also act interested for a few years and then completely turn, taking the other person for granted as you describe. If I were you, I would be very frustrated and strongly consider leaving.

        I think you should pray the Salat Al-Istikhara, for which you can find information in the blue menu at the top of this page, and go which ever way Allah leads you...it will be clear in your heart what is right.

        May Allah give you ample help very soon.

        Hugs,

        Nor

      • *His properties are on his mother's name. I am not saying I want on my name but atleast he can keep on his name . God forbid If something happend tomorrow atleast I don't have to go ask his family

        you are selfish enough. you are thinking about yourself all alone you are not saying directly but indirectly if your husband dies so you may claim that the properties were on your husband's name and that should be given to his widow right. you're very political.

        the owner of the properties is the one to decide who to give his property after his death, you cant force anybody with your logic.

  2. Bismillah
    I would say marry him leagally and islamically and your family will eventually accept him and you otherwise you need to have your own family and you dont need your parents family

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