Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is this PITY or LOVE? ISTIKHARA or SHAYTAN? I’m confused..

AsSalaamu Alaykum..

I've known a girl online which I firstly attracted to her sexually, so I told her my personal problems. I liked her. She liked me. She treated me like a boyfriend/husband, meaning she already sulked and cried a lot for small things I said. I kept replying that I was sorry. And I hate making her feeling bad or cry. Because we just barely knew. I didn’t expect she was like this. I didn't know what I said wrong. Maybe she is just soft hearten. I think she LOVES me first.. So it makes me feel sorry for her. Because I just treated her like a friend. Is this how LOVE feels? I dont know. I’m still confused. maybe I also LOVE her..

I kept messaging her but still not sure how I felt towards her.. Along the way I did some istikhara. But not often. 2 weeks before marriage I felt a DEEP FEELING NOT wanting to marry her but still felt pity and sorry for her because I approached her first and “liked” her at the first place and I've known her and her parents and not wanting to hurt anyone's feeling. I always think “No one is perfect and maybe marrying her would make me LOVE her afterwards. She has a good islamic background after all” And my mum said that the bad feeling maybe just shaytans whisper to break an engagement.

Now its been only 3 months since we known/engaged/ and married to each other. She loves me dearly and I thought that I would LOVE her now after marriage but I think I’m not... I thought LOVE would prosper after sex or honeymoon but I still cant feel it.. I’m suffering and confused from day 1 marriage. I’m faking everything in front of her but try working on to LOVE her.. But it is pain for me and she always cry why I cant understand her feelings and act like I dont LOVE her..(duh.. im tryin') I always cry alone why I cant feel the LOVE.. I dont know whats LOVE is? Or am I loving her? Or PITYing her? Was the DEEP FEELING actually ISTIKHARA or SHAYTAN? Should I tell her the truth now before I hurt her later for years to come? Should I divorce her now or just accept this as my fate?

I’m confused.. I think I need a break from her FOREVER.. But I cant hurt her.. I just thought LOVE WILL COME AFTER MARRIAGE AND WHEN YEARS TO COME, but I dont feel it... Now, I dont think that I LOVE her. I just PITY her. Am I destined not to feel LOVE for the rest of my life? Or is this actually LOVE? Should I continue my life like this?  I think I'm a soft hearted person and care for others feeling but forgot how actually my heart feels..

Please help me.. Thank you for reading and hope for some advise.. =(

Jazakallahu Khair


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2 Responses »

  1. Walaikum As Salam !!

    Brother.. You approached her, you proposed her , you got engaged to her and then married her. Why would someone do all these things just for the sake of feeling pity for someone? Did she beg you to do that? I dont think so. It was your choice your will. So now by terming the whole scenario as for the sake of pity sounds sarcastic isnt it ?

    If what you feel for her is not Love and it is pity. Then as per you what Love is ? Ask yourself.

    You were firstly attracted to her sexually. Well than thats being like a Maniac. The problem is with you and not with that girl. Because if she has cried for you she has married you too whereas you were sexually attracted to her yet you cannot Love her. What does that actually mean?

    I think you need councelling. Please see a good councellor at your nearby place. I am sure it would help.

    Good Luck !!

  2. as salaamu alaykum LSK

    I think your soft heart has deceived you. You say "I think I need a break from her FOREVER"! Obviously those are Not the words of a man who Loves his wife. I think an Extended break would be a good idea. Perhaps visiting relatives in your country of origin on your own? Pray that Allaah SWT makes it Clear, for you, what you really want and then go with that. You are Hurting your wife now and will continue to do so, for as long as you're Confused about your feelings for her. If you find that you really Don't love her I think a clean Break is more Merciful. May ar Rahman guide you to what is Best for both of you. aamiyn!

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