Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I feel the Islamic marriage rules are unfair

I feel that the rules of marriage are not fair

salam !

Wael, I know that the problem is this: when this Muslim woman, tries to teach her kids to love and respect all Prophets and believe in all of them, her non-Muslim husband will not agree, because he believes only in his Prophet.

He will interfere in the way she raises her kids, and prevents her from raising them in an Islamic way. And here comes the real problem, because she will have only two options, whether she leaves the whole thing as it is, and does nothing about it -which will be an insult to her religion- or she argues about the matter, and this will sure lead to more marital problems.

But what I want to know is: what if they dont have kids ?

What if  this non Muslim man is okay about  raising the kids in an Islamic way ?

Don't you think that  if the reasons why they don't allow it are not there or don't exist it should be okay?

What about muslim men ? They are allowed! I know this is what I found (when a Muslim man marries a Christian or a Jewish woman, there is no problem, because he believes in all Prophets, and all Holy books. There will be no problem between him and his wife in this matter, especially that his religion -Islam- commands him to be fair with his wife even if she were Christian or Jewish. And any Muslim man going through such marriage should have strong belief in his faith, and should strongly abide by his religion. But still! What if she takes over things and raises her children in a Christian way, Jews or whatever ....... I know a man who married a Christian woman and all of his kids are Christians!!

How is is that fair? But if a Muslim woman did marry a non Muslim and even her kids are Muslims they will call her a whore or they would call her marriage invalid!

I don't think this is right.

I want to have an answer.

Thank you,

- meriem


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9 Responses »

  1. As I am not wise enough to answer this, I shall leave my opinion to myself and await for the Editors. I do have a link though that you, Meriem, may find interesting: http://www.irshadmanji.com/wp-content/files/Eng_BothPages.pdf . It's Imam Khaleel Mohammed’s defense of inter-faith marriage.

    • Sakura, I read that essay, and I don't think that Imam Khaleel's arguments are sensible, correct or Islamic in any way. So many of his premises are faulty. Unfortunately there are people who have difficulty accepting Allah's word, and want to change it or modify it, or argue that it is no longer relevant. They are on the wrong path. Allah's revelation was meant for all times. He is the knower of past, present and future.

      Khaleel claims that the Quran is addressed, according to the custom of the time, to men. This is false. Allah addresses human beings in gender-neutral language as "Yaa ayyauhan-naas" (O humankind), or "Yaa ayyuhal-latheena-aamanu" (O you who believe). Many verses address men and women specifically. Allah is not negligent or careless. His revelation is precise and intentional.

      Then Khaleel claims that the main reason for the Quranic prohibition against women marrying non-Muslim men - the fact that men are generally dominant in relationships and the man would divert the woman from her practice of Islam - is no longer relevant, because women are now equal to men.

      Oh, really? Maybe we should inform women in India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, most of Africa, most of Latin America, and most of Asia, that their continued subservience is only in their imaginations, and that they are now fully equal... I wonder what they would have to say about it.

      Khaleel is dreaming. Islam acknowledges spiritual and mental equality between men and women, but Islam also legislates for the real world, and in the real world (even today) men are 90% of the time the heads of the households. And in fact this is the Islamic vision of the household, where the man is the amir (leader) and the head, while the woman is the home-maker and the heart.

      There is an important difference however, between the continued subservience of women in most of the world, and the Islamic view. In the Islamic view, the roles of men and woman are not a matter of "superior" and "inferior", but simply different. And women should be given their full rights, including the right to education, to own property, to be free of abuse, to be equally protected under the law, etc. The Muslim world has great strides yet to make in this area, just to meet the requirements of Islam.

      In any case, in a Muslim marriage both roles are both equally important (if anything the woman's role is more important), but equal does not mean the same. Anyone who would deny that men and women are different, with different biological and emotional natures, is pretending and disseminating in order to back up a fundamentally false argument.

      Therefore a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry into a non-Muslim household.

      Or should we now have one set of Islamic regulations for most people, and another set for people of Europe and North America? Maybe we should do away with the Quranic teachings altogether and rely on our own "ijtihad" (aka our personal opinions) as Khaleel has done, so that we can be modern and enlightened?

      That's the problem with this kind of relativistic and subjective fatwa-making by these fake sheikhs and scholars for dollars. All of sudden you find that the firm ground of the deen has vanished from beneath your feet, and you are justifying and allowing more and more things that Allah has prohibited, until we become like the Christians who have faith but no law, no guidelines, no Shariah at all.

      I react strongly to this issue not because I am terribly offended by Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men, but because I am offended by those who would presume, in such blistering arrogance and cockiness of their "modern" sensibilities, to alter Allah's deen. When I lived in the Bay Area there were many Arabs who owned liquor stores, so they brought in a sheikh from Yemen and paid him a good salary (more than he ever would have dreamed of earning back home) on the condition that he make a fatwa that selling liquor to kuffar is not haram. Similarly, we have those bought scholars who will say that ribaa is no longer haram, or that tyranny and monarchy are acceptable. They are all corrupt, and have condemned themselves.

      I see this issue in the same light. Anyone who wants to try to change Allah's religion can do so, but it's not me or you they will have to deal with, but Allah.

      As for sister Meriem's specific question, I will address it tomorrow Insha'Allah, but to be very brief, the answer is not that Muslim women should start marrying Christians and thereby corrupt their deen, lose their identities, and let their children be lost to false ideologies. The answer is that Muslim men should stop marrying non-Muslim women, especially in non-Muslim countries where unIslamic influences already predominate, unless there is absolutely no other option. I will go into more detail tomorrow Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. I am unable to read Arabic (yet), so I wasn't sure if his point on the Quran being addressed to men was valid or not as I've only read it in English. Thank you for clearing that up for me and showing me in more detail/argument on why Muslimahs are unable to marry Non-Muslim men. I hope I did not offend you in anyway by posting that link.

  3. Actually Brother Wael and other staff of this website answers question so comprehensively and beautifully that there remains little for us to add anything.

    One thing that we Muslims should all remember is salvation comes from being obedient to Allah and His Messenger without questioning. Now, Allah has given us the free will to submit or question and become disobedient in the process. Iblees was told to honor Adam (pbuh) but he questioned the merit of Allah's order. Did questioning benefit him? No. But he had the choice of obeying or disobeying Allah's order. Had he obeyed the Allah's order without making any noise, he would have been rewarded by Allah instead of being cursed.

    The Children of Israel are another example. They used to question their messenger a lot and it eventually led them to disbelief. Asking question is good, but questioning can be two types: 1. You ask question to learn more about the religion. Say, you ask what is salat al istikhara and how to perform it. 2. You ask question to question the merit of divine order. Because of the blessing of the free will, we can ask this type of question, but such questions go the against the spirit of complete submission to your Lord and thus detestable. I am afraid that your question fits the second category.

    The complete submission means you also submit your intellect before Allah. Allah has told us and given example of complete submission in the Quran. He commanded Prophet Abraham (pnuh), "Sacrifice your son for me". He tried to execute the order of Allah without thinking twice. If Allah had asked us to do so, we would have thought, "What a crazy idea. Does it make sense?" Submitting even your intellect to Allah does not mean you do not use it create more worldly knowledge, but trying to use this intellectual to measure the merit or understand the justification of a divine order is a dangerous thing. Because Allah has the complete knowledge and He knows things that we do not know.

    Brother Wael already explained why men are allowed to marry women of book while Muslim women cannot do the same. Even thought men are allowed, they are strongly discouraged from marrying Christians and Jews. Will any Muslim man who is really concerned about giving his children proper Islamic education ever marry and non-Muslim? Never.

  4. meriem, as-salamu alaykum,

    I will add a few points to what I already wrote.

    You yourself made the case of why Muslim women are not allowed to marry non-Muslim men.

    I do want to say that the bottom line is, are you willing to submit to Allah or not? Are you Muslim? Do you believe in the Quran as the revelation of Allah? Do you believe in the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as the final Messenger? If the answers to these questions are yes, then you must say, "I hear and I obey."

    That's not to say that you cannot ask for an explanation. But your obedience to Allah must come first and instinctively, then you can say, "In order to strengthen my faith, I would like to understand these rules better."

    You asked, "What if they don't have kids?"...

    But what is the guarantee of this? No one knows the future except Allah. People plan for one thing, and then another thing happens.

    You asked, "What if this non Muslim man is okay about raising the kids in an Islamic way?"...

    What if he changes his mind? Believe me, this is more possible than you might admit. A person might agree to something in theory, then when he is faced with the reality of it he becomes uncomfortable and reluctant. This happened to me personally. I married a non-Muslim woman who agreed at the time of marriage to raise our future children as Muslims, but when our child was born she began resisting and arguing about it, and it became more and more bitter, until we divorced. Now Alhamdulillah I have shared custody of my daughter and I do my best to raise her as a good Muslim. But I will never again make the mistake of marrying a non-Muslim, Insha'Allah.

    You asked, "Don't you think that if the reasons why they don't allow it are not there or don't exist it should be okay?"...

    No, I don't think that. Allah legislates for all of humanity, not one rule for one person and another rule for someone else. If a person can "hold his liquor" well, in other words drinking alcohol doesn't affect him much, is it okay then for him to drink alcohol? If a woman keeps her hair in a very short hairstyle so that it is not sexy or appealing, can she forget about hijab?

    If we say, "Well, these rules that Allah made do not apply to me for this reason or that reason..." then pretty soon we find ourselves in a state of chaos.

    You keep emphasizing this point that it's "not fair". You wrote, "I know a man who married a Christian woman and all of his kids are Christians!! How is is that fair?"

    Come on, sister, that's silly. It's as if you are saying, "I know Muslim men who broke Allah's commandments and made awful mistakes, so I want to make them too!"

    As I mentioned before, the answer is not that Muslim women should also make mistakes and lose their deen and their children. The answer is that Muslim men should stop doing it.

    Probably the vast majority of marriages between Muslim men and non-Muslim women are unlawful. Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradhawi, a contemporary Muslim scholar, said that the Christian or Jewish women can be married only if the four conditions summarized below are satisfied:

    1. She must be Kitabiyyah, i.e. Christian or Jewish by faith, and not by virtue of birth into a Christian or Jewish family. Many women who live in Christian or Jewish societies today are atheists, Buddhists or Bahai’s. These women are prohibited for Muslim men. A woman who commits apostasy, by becoming a non-Muslim after being a Muslim, would not be allowed to marry a Muslim man, since apostasy is much worse than unbelief.

    2. She must be Muhsanah, which means chaste and virtuous. Women who are involved in illicit relationships with men are prohibited for Muslim men. Most non-Muslim women these days do not qualify as Muhsanat (chaste and virtuous women who abstain from sexual activities outside marriage), and Muslim men should fear Allah and keep this condition in mind.

    3. The woman should not be from people who are fighting Islam or are helping others to fight Islam.

    4. There should be no threat or possible harm from marrying her. For example, if a man’s children would not be raised as Muslims, he should not marry her. If the courts in a non-Islamic society would give the children to her in the case of divorce, then he cannot marry her, unless she agrees that he would have the children in the case of divorce.

    I seriously doubt that most non-Muslim women these days meet the above requirements, especially point #2.

    For more info about why Muslim men in the West should not marry non-Muslim women, see this article:

    Muslim Men in the West Should Think Carefully Before Marrying Outside the Faith

    Best Regards,

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Wael,

      I am really surprised and hurt by your comment about Christian women. (Especially comment number 2) Although what you call “western” media does portray women and men to be promiscuous, I am 26 years old and most of my friends do abstain from sexual activities outside marriage. I do not think we are the exception. Most women talk the talk, because it is so accepted in our culture, but when you really ask someone if they had done activities, most will reluctantly admit they have NOT engaged in such activities. What woman wants to be used in such a way? We are much smarter than this, and it is our choice. I for one have chosen to remain chaste in respect for my future husband. If you want “western” people to stop listening to what they say about Muslims in the media, you yourself should really look past what is shown in the media about us. God created both you and me, and we both have the same needs and wants. We both bleed the same blood, and cry the same tears.

      Take care,
      Sarai

      • Hello Sarai. I should have clarified what I meant when I said, "Most non-Muslim women these days do not qualify as Muhsanat (chaste and virtuous women who abstain from sexual activities outside marriage)."

        I grew up in the USA and I was speaking from my experience and knowledge in this country. I was referring to the typical "mainstream" non-Muslim American woman (i.e. Caucasian, African-American or Hispanic). It is very, very rare for a woman (unless she is a Mormon or a nun) to remain chaste until marriage. It's an anomaly. Most Americans nowadays would find it very strange.

        But hey, if a non-Muslim woman remains chaste until marriage, then good for her, more power to her, and may Allah guide her to the path of Islam.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Hello,
    I would like to say that yeah sometimes I feel it is unfair. Unfair to a man who must give up not only his religion but the way he was brought up. However on that note I feel it is in the best interest of the Muslim woman to marry only Muslims based on this: In Islam everything is stated about the wife's rights and how she is to be treated. It is stated the rights of the husband as well but as Weal stated above men do have brute strength to back up their own beliefs were we do not. Islam is most fair to the role of a wife in marriage. If a man truly follows what is written she will have a most comfortable life. If only all us women were this fortunate. WITH ONE CONCESSION THE WHOLE LIGHTLY BEATING STATEMENT! I think that is a CROCK! No one has any rights to harm another ever for any reason. I don't care what book it came out of.

    I am a Buddhist woman so I understand your frustration and upset. I was terrified of what my Muslim guy would say his family would say about me. Because I am not a Jewish or Christian woman. I feared he would turn away from me if his family did not accept me. I was lucky he said his family is like him and believes in religious freedom. It only matters what is in a man or womans heart.

    But honestly I do feel it is unfair and not very right otherwise.

    Oh and Weal I have always respected most of your replies on here but truly there are a lot more chaste and virtuous women in America then you think or know. They don't have to be Mormon or nuns either. Because chastity and virtuousness is not regarded well in our society most lie about this or hide it intentionally by just not stating either way. Some of the most sluttiest acting girls in my class were true virgins pretending so the boys would leave them alone. I was a virgin for my husband so there! lol As were most of my friends. My mother was a virgin on her wedding night. So you see it from a guys perspective in America. A LOT of women make out that they are sexually active while in school and even later in life because the boys and men will make fun of them if they don't. They would be regarded as unattractive. When in reality they are closet virgins. As well as a lot of the boys too. In Islamic countries some will hide the fact that they are sexually active. Here in America we tend to hide the fact that we are NOT sexually active because this is seen as not socially acceptable NOT non existent. No actually it is not very very rare or an anomaly. It is however a secret. You are a man and not privy to the secrets women share here in America. This is one that women will not share with a man unless it is in this type situation. Or an engaged couple. ALL of my aunts were virgins on their wedding night. Ask any Muslim girl growing up in America. If it is known she is a virgin she gets picked on mercilessly. I've known of boys who committed suicide because the other boys found out he was a virgin and were bullied to no end. So they killed themselves over it. The adage "Don't judge a book by it's cover." applies here completely. With American women you never know if she is a good virtuous woman or a slut until you enter a personal relationship with her. Oh yeah and most guys totally LIE about "hitting that!"

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