Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Islamic rule on talking to your fiance

young Muslim couple

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari & Muslim)


Assalamualaikum I was wondering what the islamic ruling is on talking to ones fiance?

I am hoping to get married in four months time to someone my parents chose. I do not mind getting married to him as my parents know what is best for me but when I tell people that I will get married to him they ask questions to which I do not have any answers for.

He is not in the same country as me and my sister would like me to get to know him a little bit. I also do want to get to know him as I will be spending the rest of my life with him. So my question is is it wrong, islamically, for me and him to talk?

Tagged as: , , ,

32 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister,

    Hope you are doing good by the grace of Allah. May He keep us safe and gaurd us from Shaytaan.

    Congratulations on an Insha Allah upcoming marriage.

    Well, it is important to know the person who you are getting married to. So you should look for answers in the Qur'an and history of Sahabas from ahadtih which are most authentic and agreed upon.

    By Allah, the question is tricky. One needs to tread forth with great care. Sister, qualities to be seen in a person are his Imaan, akhlaaq, taqwa - specifically fear of Allah and his commitment to deen and dunya (work/ family/friends/society/ the world at large) together along with over all looks as they please you.

    Secondly, talking on phone, falling in love after that, are hateful to Allah and the consequences of it may be grave. So we should fear Allah and abstain from it. No matter how much you try to know someone, you cannot know them in and out until you live with them. I know of my relatives married for past 30 years and yet they say - i never understood him/ her. So if you think by talking and meeting someone you can know them completely, or to a large extent than you can't. People do also pretend at such times.

    So best is gather information from other people who know him, trust your parents and over and above read the Qur'an and know what kind of man and women does Islam demand us Muslims to be. So if you see those qualities, say yes in the name of Allah and go ahead.

    Once you are married, do not hurry in to children. As you will read in this website, lot of sisters are compromising their life's happiness due to their children. Islam has option of divorce if both partners fail to work. May Allah never bring such difficult times for us. But yes, Islam has provision. If you do not get happiness and it does not help you for a good dunya and aakhirah, an option is divorce and it may so happen that Allah would provide with better spouse than the first, second or third, as He wills.

    No 1: Keep away from evil. No 2: If you see wrong actions from spouse, read Qur'an for him, or make him read it and they will Insha Allah fear Allah and act rightly.

    Say yes, if you feel your deen and dunya get better with it and do not do injustice to anyone, neither towards Allah, nor towards your ownself, nor to any other people or to anyone whom you made a commitment.

    Insha Allah, all will be good, we make du'aa for you.

  2. Asalaam u alikum sister,

    I would say, perform istikhara before you even start talking to this person:) Inshallah Allah will make it easier for you.

  3. Khadija, it is not haraam to speak to your fiance or to anyone of the opposite sex. Although it is forbidden to speak to them in the wrong manner, i.e. in this context , to speak in a seductive, flirtatious manner with anyone other than your spouse is wrong. Surely, the two individuals should speak before they actually decide to marry as this will help them decide whether they are suitable for one another or not.

    Asia_b, you are looking to make one of the most important decisions of your life. Do not leave this to others. You know who you are you and you should know what you want in life more than others. So take advice from family but you be the one to make the final decision about who you marry. Tell your mother that you wish to speak to this man by phone and you wish to meet. You can easily have someone present in the room while you are phoning or you can meet in a public place or with a chaperone.

    Ask yourself what you want in a spouse. Once you have done this, talk to him and quiz him to ascertain whether he is suitable for you or not. Do not let anyone force you or tell you that you are not allowed to talk to him. Everyday we talk to male colleagues at work or fellow students at college, so how absurd that when choosing a spouse we get told that we are not allowed to talk to them. So many people have written into this website complaining of marital problems stemming from the fact that they did not know enough about their spouse before marriage. You have an opportunity to learn something about this man, use the tools of wisdom Allah has given you. It can be done in a halaal manner by involving your family.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ Editor

    • Is it allowed to carry on talking to tem for a year or so once you've got to know them? been egaged for 6 mths now, still talk to fiance, not sure if im allowed?

      • There is no time limit. Just make sure that you do not cross the boundaries of halal and haram in your conversations. Seek to get married soon. There is no benefit to a long, drawn-out engagement.

        Wael Editor

    • But problem is that on the first meeting the person will verily act good we couldn’t find out their real face on a very first meeting or in just a single meeting ... no doubt no offence I trust my Allah and my parents but I m also afraid of this cruel and diplomatic people please help me out I m getting married in a month

  4. i wanted to tak to my fiance so that i could get to know him. but now i dont like him at all because of his thoughts about marriage. and now i dont twant to marry him. but my mother says that he seems to be a very nice guy....and that i just overthink eveything and i must get married to him because of family honour being at stake. i dont know whether it wouldbe easier for me to marry him if i didnt talk to him. 🙁

  5. i also got engaged

  6. This is a good question asked by a sister of mine, well according to my observation in surroundings a girl specially a girl who is pious and practice Islam should talk to her fiance because parents know quite little about the man. And only the concerned girl can judge that man after talking via phone,email or social networking. But a point must be kept in mind that all of us 24/7 are being followed by Shaitan its quite sure that conversation can take a negative turn by talking about matters of love,backbiting etc.

    May Allah grant all of us proper knowledge of Islam and make us able to act upon Sunnah as well.

    Jazzak Allah khair!

  7. Salam,

    I recently got engaged, but we are not planning to get married, untill him and I are done with our college, and accomplish the degrees desired. Our parents thought that if we get engaged we will know who to think about, and we wont end up liking someone in our college. I live in America, and he lives in Pakistan. We talk, but we stay in our limits. We talk with respect, and can not go further than sharing how our day went. Im affraid if we stop talking, he will get interested in another girl, and same goes with me. so is that still haram? I understand he is still not my mehram, but what if our minds/ hearts take place somewhere else, and this relationship ends. we do talk almost everyday, but its like a 15 min convo. and sometimes we dont talk for months, its an on and off thing. What im affraid of is we completley forgetting about each other.

    ps: we just turned 18

    • OP: but its like a 15 min convo. and sometimes we dont talk for months, its an on and off thing. What im afraid of is we completely forgetting about each other.

      ps: we just turned 18

      If you talk too much you may have run out of things to talk about. Your talking can't prevent him from talking to other girls.

      If you are going to get him citizenship/visa he won't leave you for a local girl, me thinks.
      How are things going on with you?

  8. I m totally confused and I want to really know that , is it allowed to talk ur fiance in Islam or not ,
    eventually im not inerested in such activities im interseted in Islamic praþtice and love to obey the laws of islam
    even my fiance offer prayr 5 times is interestèd in religious aactivities , he is my maternàl cousin nd bfr engagement we simply have contact as cousin ,, bt now after engagement I cnt understand should i keep contact or not we r engaged for 7 years bcs we both have to cmplt studies bfr tht we cnt get married now what should I do hlpppp me

    • lella, please read the answers already given.

      Wael Editor

        • The only legal relationship between a non-mehram man and woman is formed through the sacred institution of Nikaah in Islam; engagements, fiancé, etc. have absolutely no legal basis in Islam, and it is not permissible for a believer who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day to privately talk or meet casually with non-mehram women without any genuine and pressing need.
          If one is engaged to marry, it would be best and purest to perform the ‘nikaah’ between them, for then they would become absolutely legal for each other.  If for any reason whatsoever one is unable to perform the ‘nikaah’ at this time, the only way the two can meet or talk is if the girl is accompanied by a male mehram guardian member of her family (like her father, her uncle, her brother, etc.). 
          But to simply talk casual or vain talk to the person to whom one is engaged to without the presence of the mehram of the girl would be a clear violation and transgression of the Laws of Allah Subhanah and thus a sin in the Sight of the Lord.

  9. ASA to All,
    Anyway, I think this is a controversial topic. I believe what most people say; you can speak to him to get to know him better but there are limits. I mean the whole point is to get to KNOW HIM not to flirt or speak of lovey-dovey regardless subjects.
    There are also others who say it is HARAM- you cannot speak in any form of communication because Shaytan lurks around people of the opposite genders' conversations.

    The only thing left is to determine whether it's Haram or Halal...

  10. Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu wamaghfiratuhu.Im engaged too.both of our families ordered us not to talk.but my fiance took my number and called me.we talked a full satisfied with his character and he too.we fought for so many things.sometimes i do hate him and worried about my future.that is because of my over expectations.but he understud my problem and he is easy going with my character.we shared our love too.but still we did not cross our limits.but both of our families does not know about this.they asked me several times but i said we did not.may ALLAH(SWT) Forgive our sins.aameen!we decided not to talk thereafter.but we could still 19 and could not wait to talk to him.i deleted his number too.but unfortunately i remember his number.everyday i make if there any ideas to stop talking let me know.please do not tell this is haram.i already know that.i just need a solution.sisters and brothers in islam i hope you would understand my problem and help me.and the greatest thing you would do is make dua for us.i don't want to be a modern women but a modest women.i fear ALLAH(SWT).May ALLAH(SWT) protect us from the hell not forget the brothers and sisters in palestine too.include them in your valuable dua.IN SHA ALLAH!!!!!

    • Sana, As-salamu alaykum,

      1. Get rid of your phone, so that you have no means to talk to him.
      2. Get married as soon as possible.

      Although, the fact that you fight all the time and that you hate him sometimes is worrisome. If you want to register and submit your question as a separate post, and give us more details about that, we might be able to advise you.

      Wael Editor

  11. Asalam alaikm
    Iam surprised by some of the commenters above advicing the girl to talk to a total stranger wher our religion forbids it! As our rasool Saaw said "If you can't say anything good then better keep quite" may Allah guide u all
    And pleased to know that there're people who fear for her and used the verses and ahadith, jazakum Allahu kher
    Sister my advice to you is to pray istikhara and if he or his family or your family asked you to talk to him and find out about him then REFUSE!! Because you only have to answer to your creator and not his creation, therefore obeying him comes 1st
    Read the books of ahadith and surat al nur to know what Allah and his prophet muhammed saaw wants from you. My deep wishes and prayer for your good life and happiness ^_^

    • shiekha, it is not forbidden for men to talk to women or vice versa. I don't know where you or others got this idea. Women used to come to the Messenger of Allah (sws) and ask him questions all the time.

      I can't imagine how a woman would function when she goes to the market or any other place if she cannot speak to men. When the butcher says, "What would you like?", what will she do, hold up a picture of a cow and point to the part she wants?

      As SisterZ said, "Although it is forbidden to speak to them in the wrong manner, i.e. in this context , to speak in a seductive, flirtatious manner with anyone other than your spouse is wrong. Surely, the two individuals should speak before they actually decide to marry as this will help them decide whether they are suitable for one another or not."

      Wael Editor

  12. Assalaamu alaikum brothers and sisters.

  13. AOA 🙂
    i am engaged with my cousin from childhood. we like one another allot. we spend our childhood together. We do chat daily for a few hours (2 to 3 Hours) Or sometimes on call. we both do not do chat or call with other someone(Girl Or Boy) except one another. Is it allowed in ISLAM ?? Is it Halaal ?? we love one another allot. please guide us 🙂

  14. Assalamuwalekum, Can I speak to my fiance on mobile with the prior permission of our parent's ? Usually I talk to him in private, cause I'm not staying at home right now

  15. Asslam o alaikum.
    I'm too much confused. I'm talking to my fiance for 4 months. We only talk about our daily routine and our like and dislikes. But from past few days he is saying that he loves me. And i say yes.
    But I'm not comfortable after this. We don't take in wrong way. We communicate via phone.
    I want to know what is haram and halal talk.
    I'm too much confused.
    Kindly guide me in light of islam.
    I don't know it is right or wrong.
    I'm talking to him with the permission of both families.
    Please guide me.
    He is asking me what i feel about him. How much i love him.
    I want to know is it right or wrong.
    Because i thought it is wrong.

  16. Um hi. I'm a Christian woman who was engaged to a Muslim man. We started off talking and held a brief courtship before he proposed. He cheated on me before he proposed and I forgave him and told him yes. He asked for my father's blessing and my father told him yes. Less than a week later he married the woman he cheated on me with. Recently we have had conversations about what and why things happened the way it did. During those he says he's still in love with me and would still marry me. He wants to be with me but it's impossible cause of his marriage to her. I don't believe in cheating or tarnishing vows that were said before God. What should I tell him or do?

    • Hello,
      I am in no way a relationship or Islam expert so forgive me if I make any mistake or say something insensitive. However, from what I read about you and your fiancé, you deserve someone way better than him. I don't know you or him personally, but I do know cheating on one's fiancé is one of the most unacceptable sins in Islam. If he truly loved you, then he would've thought at least twice before getting involved with someone else. He would've stopped himself. By cheating, he disrespected you, your emotions and your relationship.

      I understand why you forgave him the first time; honestly I would've done the same for the man I love, if he had cheated on me; assuming that he provided an acceptable, sincere and respectful apology. We all mess up and make mistakes but we also deserve a second chance after that to rectify what we did. You were strong enough to forgive him and let go of the past and I applaud you for that.

      However, he cheated on you with the same woman for the second time and that is not something you can overlook. It shows that he isn't serious about you and your relationship with him. Making the same mistake for the second time isn't a mistake, it's a choice. He made that choice himself.

      He might still love you, but consider this; would you be able to live with him peacefully with the fear that he will cheat on you again?

      If I was in your position, I wouldn't forgive him the second time and would tell him to do himself a favour and not show me his face. Ever. All women deserve someone better than a man who cheats on them knowingly.

      I hope everything works out for you and you think about yourself before making this decision, not him or his pleads.

  17. Asalamwalikum
    I got engaged but don't know is it right to talk to him or not neither he took initiation to talk. I felt like he is not interested in marriage.

  18. Uzma,
    How are you able to be engaged to him when he doesn't talk. Did you get to know him as a person before getting engaged? If it's parents pressuring you and he doesn't show any interest then I would let your parents know.

Leave a Response