Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Islamically is there any difference in committing zina with a virgin woman and non-virgin woman?

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First of all, I am not yet a muslim but, would like to know about islam (thinking of converting to islam very seriously)and would like to get an answer from you and point of islamic view related my problem.

I met my boyfriend (who is an arabic and a muslim) 7yrs ago and we broke up a few times but, we always have reconnected even I left the country where he lives. We had the first sexual relationship 2yrs after we met and he was the man who took my virginity. Before that, when he asked me about it, I did not tell him that I am a virgin and I told him that I already lost my virginity with another guy before I met him because, I did not want to let him feel like he has a big responsibility for that because I trusted and loved enough to give it to him no matter what.

Time has passed and we have changed as well as we got older and mature enough and became more religious. Between the time, we broke up with no contact so, I did not have chance to tell him but recently during our conversation, I told him the truth and explained. Then he became very serious about it and did not talk to me for a while then, he said I made him feel very guilty and it is a very big sin in islam and he was sad and upset and he told me he feels like he made a big mistakes ever and after a few days, he has disconnected me.

After that happened, I have searched many things about this sin and watch sheikh's lecture from the channels. I have realized I have commited a very big sin and caused him to do that which makes me very sad and hurts me a lot. Plus, me being around him for that long time, it was haram as well because no love and such a relationship before marriage in islam.

I would like to ask you a few questions.

1) My boyfriend's behavior after he heard this from me is correct way for him to do so? Because I was very upset the day he disconnected me without saying anything. If it is the way for him to correct things straight, then I would like to accept it.

2) Is there any difference between commit zina with a virgin woman and non-virgin woman in islam in terms of punishment or gravity of sin?

3) In this case of my story, I have told him I was not a virgin at that time, is that makes any difference on him from Allah to judge?

4) How should I repent and what are the steps for me to do so?

Looking forward hearing from you and thank you.

~ Carol

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2 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    There are two different parts to what's going on with your story, and those parts are what you knew then and what he knew then.

    Since you were not a Muslim at the time you were sexual with him, you may or may not have realized how serious a sin it is to have sex outside of marraige (zina). Whether or not you were a virgin, or told him you were not when you were, is not the primary issue. When it comes to his point of view at that time, the truth is irrelevant. He did know then, as he was already Muslim, what a big sin it was for him to be with you. If he pushed away the seriousness of it by believing you were not a virgin, he did that ignorantly because as far as sharia is concerned, there is no distinction made between zina committed by with virgin or one committed with someone who is not a virgin (the answer to your second question). For two people to have sex before marriage, it is grave whether the parties are virgin or not. For someone who is married to commit adultery, it is even more serious.

    So the fact that you lied to him to try to "make it easier" doesn't really factor in when it comes to the bottom line of what he knew going into that situation. He knew zina is zina and it's wrong regardless. Because of that, he shouldn't have reacted any differently after finding out you were a virgin. In fact, he should have felt the same guilt back then even believing you were not a virgin, that came upon him once he knew the truth. He is the one who made a distinction where there is no distinction, and for that he is also wrong to do.

    The truth is, he should've righted his wrong by cutting ties with you after making the first mistake, not years later after a irrelevant detail comes out. Either that, or he should've married you. It is in bad taste to do something now that he should've done back then, but if this is his decision he does have the right to it. If he was doing things as he should've from the start, he would have never been your boyfriend to begin with, sex or not. So if he's trying now (even this late in the game) to correct his actions to what they should be, he can. You would probably do well to take it at face value and accept it for what it is, and move on as best you can as well. That's the answer to your first question.

    As far as your third question, none of us will know how Allah will judge him or what standard he will be held to. The fact that you lied or told the truth really has no bearing on that. In fact, he cannot account to Allah for what you do, only what he did. Since he committed zina fully aware that he should NEVER do so, he will have to answer for that.

    Honestly, my best advice to you as far as repentence is to become Muslim. You said you are thinking very seriously about it already, and it sounds like you want to do this for you and no one else on earth. If you become Muslim and take your shahadah, Allah will wipe away every sin you ever did up to that point as though it never happened. There would be no need to repent for it further, because at that point you are new in the eyes of Allah. You will have the rest of your life to show your gratitude for His forgiveness by living your life according to His will as best you can, especially by waiting for marriage before you become intimate with a man again. I really believe this will help you find a new start after a situation that became needlessly complicated and painful.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister, considering that you are not yet a Muslim, and are considering to accept Islam and are serious about it, then be happy, because according to our beloved Messenger of Allah (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him), any sin commited by a person before he/she accepts Islam is forgiven. If you accept Islam, that will be as if you were just born, free of sins. But still, seek Allah's forgiveness, because even when Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him) was forgiven all his past sins, he continued to do the most Worship of Allah, compared to any other Human Being.

    Now, I would answer your questions, one by one insha Allah.
    1: Zina is totally Haraam in Islam, whether it is done with a virgin or a non virgin. The only difference is that when a woman commits Zina for the first time, then it is different from doing it the next time, and this is only in terms of level of the sin. If one has committed a sin one time, he or she is different from a person who has committed it many times. If a man can think about taking a girl's virginity seriously, then he should also be serious about the sin he is committing and making Allah angry over it.

    He probably thought before that when you have already sinned before and already ruined your life, then it won't make a difference. But when he came to know about the truth, then he might have thought that he has ruined your life. Either way, he has sinned and he should be feeling more guilty for his sin.

    2: There is no difference for him, because he might have done the same with other girls also (and Allah knows best). But for you, there is. You were different before the Zina was committed and are different after it.
    The punishment for Zina is the same for virgin and non virgin. When a virgin commits Zina, he or she has to be fogged 100 times. When the same person commits Zina another time, the punishment is another 100 flogs and so on. But if a person has committed Zina many times and wants the punishment of this World to avoid the punishment of the hereafter, the punishment is 100 flogs again (and Allah knows best).

    This was for participants who are not in a married relationship with anyone. But if a married person commits Zina, then the punishment is as severe as stoning to death, because the effect of the Zina reaches far beyond non married people. Families are destroyed in the latter case. In the former, it is the participants only.

    3: Allah is the Supreme Judge and we have no say in how He Judges. But He is the Most Just. But what we can talk about is something I have spoken about above, that there is no difference for him.

    4: Accept Islam as your Deen, and that is your repentance. You need not be punished, because sins committed in state of kufr and shirk are washed away when one leaves Kufr and Shirk, because whatever was done then, was done out of ignorance. Insha Allah, you will be forgiven and you can start a new life as a Muslimah.

    My suggestion is that you break ties with this man and look for a practicing Muslim, once you revert to Islam. You can find one, with the help of an Islamic organization in your place. If you need any help in locating one, please indicate your place of residence.

    May Allah accept you into His Deen and grant you the Eternal Paradise in the Hereafter
    Muhammad Waseem

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