Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Sexually unsatisfied in my marriage

Depressed woman


Glad to see you all here. I often answer questions but am submitting this question under a name unfamiliar to the community for personal preferences.

Ok, so here's my situation. I am sad to say that most of my life due to childhood abuses, both sexually and physically, I became a sociopath into my mid twenties, when I began therapy and became much better. My actions were never criminal, but were very antisocial and lacked moral conscious and a natural sense of empathy towards others. I was also very promiscuous throughout my late teens and early twenties, but as an American my partners were always first peers and in my case the relations were done with complete emotional comfort for simply expressing sexuality between two people. I had complete control of my decisions and acted as an adult and a woman both in and out of private confounds.

There was never any uncomfortable air between myself and my partners before, or after we had sex, as often the sex was mutually fantastic and fun for both of us as well as fulfilling physically and in some ways emotionally. I have a very different need from other women, as I don't 'connect' spiritually with those I am intimate with except on a rare basis, so for me, the temporary  emotional stimulation followed by a continued friendship and a clean and level headed convenient sexual partner was a bonus for me. I was always the one in control, and men tuned into that and found it very attractive, but I did not care so long as I was able to play the game of cat and mouse ending with a fulfilling sexual experience.

Without being perverse in the details, I have a need to be dominated in the bedroom. If my partner is anything less than completely confident and carnal then I can not find myself engaged in the experience. I also have had one lover in particular that fit this bill to a T. He was beautiful and had attributes that would cause our readers to blush at the details. Women would be attracted to his energy, but he and I were both 'predators' of a kind, so we attracted each other. However, I as I said was very experienced and had in fact been in love before. so the notion was not a new one to me to form an emotional bond with this man. But I knew even though I was emotionally damaged, and I had a long road of therapy and personal work ahead of me, that loving this man would be nothing short of a disaster that I would regret for the rest of my life.

He was, as many men like him are, a mans man. He said what he meant, meant what he said, and did what he said he was going to do. But he was also unfaithful and had no real respect for the idea of marriage. He could easily stray outside of marriage to chase an enticing prospect and I knew that if we married, I would be the wife and his eyes would always be straying and worse.

Readers, I need to explain to you that my sexuality and need for sexual contact has haunted me ever since I was a child. I've met men that foolishly look at me with desire and envy, but I'm telling you it's been nothing short of a curse and a burden. I have a long list of lovers, all whom I have made personal impacts on in mostly good ways, but still it just isn't good or healthy. I give an energy of sexuality wherever I go and have no questions that men all over the place feel it and pick up on it. It makes me very uncomfortable.

Now that I've said all this, I can move on to my problem. I am now a revert Muslim, Alhamdulillah. I reverted, and since have never touched a man but my husband, around 5 years ago as being faithful was never a problem for me. My husband and I met honorably, and everything was completely transparent to both our families. This isn't one of those stories where it was a secret marriage, or something. Everything was done halal and out in the open completely. He was 'interrogated' by my brothers and father 3 times before he could seek my hand in marriage and no sex was had before marriage.

I was a new Muslim and they wanted to make sure no one took advantage of me for being attractive, white or American as most of the men I was interested in were from overseas. They gave him the all clear and we got married a few months later. The problem began after I got married. Sex was still a large issue for both of us, as you know most men from the middle east have negative experiences with women who think of sexual relations as more of a duty than a pleasure. For me, I do it as much if not more for myself, than to please him. And he loves that. But after about 3 months, sex started to get shorter and shorter and also he began to gain weight.

Later, he told me that he figured I'd be an ambitious lover (as he seemed to pick up on that energy I mentioned), and went on medication to help him last longer, but unfortunately it had negative side effects. He gained weight ... almost 30lbs which brought his blood pressure up, and cholesterol also. So he got off them and struggles with the weight to this day, trying to go to the gym on his spare time. But now I see the extent of his sexual dysfunction... he really does have a medical issue of some sort... over sensitivity maybe? Where he does not last more than thirty seconds. I say that with no exaggeration.

It has caused me to cry after sex which breaks his heart, as I shared with him why I was crying and he started buying numbing creams, sprays and even condoms made especially for a longer lasting experience, but it has done nothing for us. Now, not only is he on the border of unhealthy because he gained weight from that pill he took in our first few months of marriage which breaks my heart, but our sex is so short that I am in a real state of distress. For my entire marriage, 5 years, I have been married to this man and now have a child by him. Because of my emotional disability of sociopathic behavior which still comes and goes, I am not nor was I ever completely in 'love' with my husband, but I am fine with that, I don't need to be. But I do respect him, and admire him as a man, a Muslim, a husband and a father which is what I was really looking for.

He is all those things completely and we never ever argue. Our life is completely peaceful at home and our daughter is an angel. But a great lover that can handle and satisfy me, he is not... and wouldn't be for most women which is just my luck considering my personal needs. I have a great husband with the tools to do what he should be doing, and he jumps whenever I request private time, but it's a fleeting moment. I feel like I'm dehydrating in the ocean. 'Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink.'

Now I find myself fantasizing about this man I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I am so starved for the satisfaction that I need, that I find myself masturbating and fantasizing all the time about him. I feel a string in my soul tugging me to go seek him out. But I know that is not an option, as I am married and I both fear Allah SWT, and dishonoring my husband and daughter. I would never do that. So what do I do? I don't want my sex drive to go down because my husband will be disappointed. He loves that we have sex so much, but I hate that it only lasts less than a minute, literally. It's really only him that's being satisfied most of the time. I need some serious help! Any suggestions for my husband or myself would keep me from sanity, please and thank you!

Second question is a short but equally important one... Do you think Allah will forgive those that are tormented by sexual needs if they arose from being abused as a child? Am I to carry the full burden of both my sins, and my actions because of what was done to me???



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26 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,
    I can not reply to the first part of your post as I have yet to be married and I am a sister. However I would like to reply to the shorter part. As you are a revert, I believe all your past sins are forgiven on the day you accept Allah (S.W) as your creator, Islam as your religion, and Muhammad (S.A.W) as your prophet. So you are considered born again after reverting. As for others who may are tormented by sexual needs, "Do not despair of Allah's mercy". If your repentance is sincere, and you do fight with your nafs and make sure you stay away from the sins, Allah (S.W) may forgive you.
    I am glad that you were very lucky to find such a loving husband, we have so many of our sisters who are married to abusive men and worse. I hope others can give you answers on how to improve your marital life, you can also see a doctor, maybe there is a remedy.

    • Yes this sister replied right inline to second one . And I can undrstand ur concern as ur seriousness was clearly exhibiting in ur message .I will be blunt and straightforward always being a student of uloom ul shariah .
      In line to first thing ur a revert elhamdulilah but ur also a revert to ur feelings which existed in you before accepting islam . Nowadays almost everygirl in the world has a long list of men before there marriage this is a sign of dooms day . How can u even masturbate after being married for 5 years and has a daughter ?? YITS ALL BEC you can't win and control your sexual desiress . Don't really be a loose women.please fear allah satisfying allah swt is more imp then ur desires this body is not ours its a amanah trust from allah swt

      After pursuing my masters in neuroscience I can understand the amygdala in ur limbic system is habituated with sexual fantasy because remember habits won't change with passing days BIND IT .

      Sexual satisfaction is not primary in islam , but u assimilate it as primary and those who do that end up in doing adultery most of them .Youe husband is trying hard to match ur sexual urge but u don't think about him he is suffering from premature ejaculation don't have sex everyday allow him to recover don't be a mean girl to think about satisfying urself oonlyy .

      Yes as brother said don't compare .You expect ur past sins to be forgiven isn't. And doesn't like it to be mentioned so now why do u compare ur husband and ur haram boyfriends ?? This proves u didn't repented faithfully because if u did u won't enjoy the fun and joy existed in ur sin even thinking of ur sins and enjoying will void the repentence .

      Spend ur time in reading interpretation of quran rather sexual urgee .Your urge is nothing I felt the urge to have sex so masturbated at least 3 times a day but when I realised its all in head then I forsake it . Remember to repent u have to first cut the roots of everything and anything which leads to it .

      So the whole notion in brief is repent sincerely don't order him to satisfy urself marriage is not just to have sex . Read quran and understand his sexual energy . For example if u would have been married to a man who is very agile and has massive endurance and desire to have sex at least. As much as he can and u get exhausted laer if ur husband complains that ur so weak bla blaa what will u say ? Won't u ask him to think about urself rather just himmm !!!

      Awaits ur reply


      • Salam brother,

        With all due respect I feel some of your comments were completely unnecessary, please think before you share words of advice as what you can say can severely affect people.

        Allah bless you,

        Sister R

  2. I think your husband's problem might be premature ejaculation. Has your husband tried talking with a doctor? I don't know much but quick search on Internet tells you a lot of different approaches which I think your husband can try. And if none of them works you can contact a doctor.

    To the second point of being tormented by experiences of childhood, you had no control on them but I guess you have control on your actions now. And its the now that matters. May Allah help us attain Jannah.

    Third point, if you think that your sexual desires are abnormal have you tried talking to a doctor, may be some hormonal balance is causing the problem.(Which I am guessing you guys don't want)

    One thing which I noticed in your post though you never asked, is that you are comparing your husband with your past relationships. (Putting aside his lasting issue). I have heard that in relationships where a partner starts comparing his partner with previous partners, can result in many problems. I'll suggest not comparing your husband with your previous relationships.

    These are few random points in my mind, I apologize if I offended you.

    And this is for the brothers and sisters in general, if you don't want to marry a prospect don't marry him/her, instead of the poor soul living a life where he/she thinks his wife/husband loves him and he/she wastes his whole life. May Allah help us find partners that love us and we love them and keep us together with them in this life and hereafter.


  3. OKAY THIS IS FROM A GUY PERSPECTIVE AS BEST AS i CAN EXPLAIN OR HELP, mind the spelling and try to make sense of this ( i was in a rush)

    FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE THIS GUY, howwver you do that you know better than i. how do you expect him to satisfy you when you heart no in it , trust me guys (honest guys) can pick this up from a mile and it a real put off. only douche bag say that crap and those people who arent married.

    second of all get some excitment in your life (i hope you know what I mean by that dont make me explain it to embrassing:) both parties will hopefull like this and in so many words get you both going.

    feed his ego, men love this and has ver postive effect it not silly or stupid, dont you like it when your husband says your good looking or oogles at you.

    talk to him tell him what you like, talk dirty to him and try to teach him how to do it, you say he forgiehn were he from. remember if he from a country where sex is taboo you have to understand it not going to be something he used to, living in america you probably were exposed to that on a daily basis, no offence. help him to start and stop during love making, this will hopefull make him last longer also tel him when he going to the toilet for a pee pee to try stop and start this will help him have more control.

    example of what i mean by dirty talk:
    leave a note on the light switch in morning before he goes to work saying
    " you turn me on"
    (i apolgise to this forum if that a bit saucy)

    i think that pretty cute tho lol

    this next one going to sound silly but force yourslef to like him, that sometimes work.

    this one might help you more than him, but correct me if i am wrong anyone but fore play is encourgaed in isalam, that being said use your husband to satisfy you in other ways. that way you get something and he not at risk of finishing or starting, i hope you get my jist.


    1. get him to the gym
    2. get him some protein shake and stuff his face with it

    let me tell you that stuff turns a guy into a ragging bull. inshallah it will work wonders for your husband, you would be surprised, i am a pharmacy student and it makes sense, also dont restrict his fat since that is required for testosterone. both going to gym eating protein and red meat will have him rearing to go. get some of the gold standard protein that the good stuff might be about £60 but that nothing compared to the sake of your marriage. and it works quite quick for some people. he may not be able to go longer that i dont know but he defintley go more often. also encourgae him to drink water especially before he goes bed, then the next morning hopefully you should get some postive result.

    it takes time so dont be to hasty

    remeber drugs like viagra etc dont work until the person is stimulated mentally. and may not work for everyone..

    one last dont ever think about the other guy belive me sis if your husband ever heard that you will kill him seriously i personal i dont think that would be the end of your realtionship and any other time you make out that would be on his mind becuase he would be thinking that thats what your thinking do you understand what i am saying.
    STOP thinking about it in fact i think it might even be zina?

    fantasisy about your husband. dont have high to high expectation of your husband remember we mean have work family m,oney and all sorts of stress on our head and we expect our wifes we expect to be understanding,
    have you ever considered that you might be the problem and not him you might be over active?

    try what had ben advise if you need further understanding on the above point let me know sis i would hate your marriage to be broken up for something that can be solved easily..

    anf finally do dua for me and let me know how it goes, i am genuinley intrested.

  4. Salam all...

    It's an interesting thing that you all picked up on my problem of comparing my husband to another man. I never really felt this way... I always felt like they were two different people capable of two different things. Never did I stare at my husband, and project an image in my mind of this other guy... only when alone and reflecting on my situation did I start to think of what I know exists out there, however I DO NOT just to be clear desire this other guy. Even when I had him, I didn't desire anything other than sex, so there's no risk of infidelity there, and I really meant that I would never contact him because I'm a faithful woman, but I however have to aknowledge shaytans ability to whisper in my ear causing a tugging that was almost tangible.
    I really appreciate ALL your replies, but Woody I think yours were really on the same page with what I was looking for. I wanted to sit down with this community and create a game plan to get my marriages sex life where it needs to be. Thanks for the creative comments! I'll surely try spicing things up, and maybe even go to the gym with him to give him some motivation. I admire him so much and want nothing but the best for him.
    Also, Nab, thank you for your comments on the neurosciences and how habits are established in our brains. I really respect that kind of thinking and think it's something applicable that can help me. I'll try to create new habits, and hopefully will be successful.
    Keep adding comments please and I'll keep replying if anyone wants feedback, as this is a real issue and I appreciate real, tangible advice that I can use. Thank you, Everyone!


    • Salaams,

      If you don't mind my honest feedback, I'm only sharing it with the hope that it will be valuable and help you further assess your situation and help you develop the solutions you need.

      You mentioned in your post that you "exude a sexual energy to others". I have to admit, that even in just reading your post I got that vibe from you. However, I tend to feel that part of the reason that this is such a big part of your energy is because it is a predominant focus in your psyche. Granted, I'm sure a lot of it was seeded and nurtured in your past sexual abuse. I am glad to hear that you are working on that therapuetically, and I think that bringing the needed balance will come with more intense work on healing your past. But, in the meantime, I would advise you to try to catch yourself when you are starting to think about sexual things or feel aroused and try to put your focus on something more benign. This may be initially hard to do, but with practice you will find yourself being less enmeshed with this particular aspect of human expression.

      A simple example I can quickly give you is talking about the issues you posted us with: you spent a lot of time talking about your sexual history and preferences to simply discuss an issue with your husband's performance. Try to keep things more to the point and cut the fat out- in this case all of the backstory detailing what led you to your present dissatisfaction. We still would have been able to give you the same feedback and support if you had outlined the basic nuts and bolts of your present dilemma.

      Also, I think you may have had a different understanding of what it means to compare someone to another than others do. You mentioned that you never looked at your spouse and projected the other guy onto him. I understand that, but comparison doesn't work that way. Comparisons can be made, sometimes even beyond our immediate awareness, simply because we know that something "other" than what we possess exists. I had an old beat up Hyundai, but I always loved the Dodge Challenger. I never once mistook my Hyundai for a Challenger, but because I knew that Challengers did exist there was still a part of me that kind of wished for one. You may be rationally accepting that your husband can never be "that guy", but that doesn't mean you have forgotten about "that guy's" qualities or how he made you feel....leaving some parts of your nafs pining for him.

      If you've struggled with narcissism in the past, then you are probably well aware of the tendencies narcissists have to play games with people and manipulate. Well, sometimes we can do it to ourselves, too. In every unwanted trend we battle within ourselves, there is another part of us setting the stage to continue the sabotage. You have to be very motivated, and committed to keeping your ways of thinking and feeling under constant scrutiny, to win those battles. As long as you are open to objective feedback and working with (insha'Allah) professionals who know how to stay one step ahead of you while guiding you to a healthy place, you will find success in this area and the others which trouble you.

      -Amy Editor

  5. Asalamoalaikum sister,

    Thank you for writing in to us. I have numerous things to discuss with you so bear with me, this may be long.

    1.) Your sexual and physical abuse: I’m very sorry to read about what you’ve been through and unfortunately this has become more common than we think it has. As a result, many people are experiencing severe consequences from these traumatic events. Being a Psychology and Neuroscience student I can tell you some things. You say in your post that in your past relationships you felt the desire to be dominated. Anyone who fell short of this expectation lost your interest. Ask yourself why that is? Obviously your initial experience of sex was a dominating experience where you were the victim (the oppressed) and your abuser was the oppressor. You’ve learned from these initial experiences that sex is all about domination. That feels good to you because in essence sex is a pleasurable feeling but the way you were exposed to it has caused your brain rationalize that the only way to experience pleasure from this is through domination. Now, I and many others would disagree for obvious reasons because sex is something that can be enjoyed with mutual respect, honour and most importantly love. Dominance is just another form of control. Some people may use it occasionally in their intimate lives to spice things up but if it becomes all about this one factor and not love and respect, then that should be a clear red flag for you. Bottom line, your sexual and physical abuse allowed you to rationalize sex as something that is all about domination and control because when you were abused sexually, although it was a horrible experience you probably felt some pleasure because naturally, sex feels good and your brain has equated sex with dominance.

    2.) Your lack of emotional bondage with men and your husband: I see this as a classic form of a coping mechanism. You were abused (and I’m assuming by a man) and the only way your brain has learned to protect you from that pain is to have a lack of emotional connection with men in general. You no longer trusted men and therefore no longer respect them. For you it all came down to getting even. You enjoyed sex, you liked the feeling of it and you wanted more of it. So you decided you’d to set the game and be the one in control. And how do you do that? You get what you want but at the same time you don’t get emotionally caught up with someone because then you’d in a vulnerable position where you could get hurt. So in your mind they’re the loser and you’re the winner. You played this game for years. You became good at it and you were content with it. Now this is where you went wrong. This process of having meaningless sex where it’s all about the pleasure and not the emotional connection has left you craving for more meaningless sex. Many women in your situation may probably be content with their sex lives even if their husbands come very quickly. It’s because all the other things you’ve told us about your marriage (i.e., he’s respectful, he loves you, he’s a great father, etc) comes in to play. You however are still fixated in the physical aspect of sex. You need to learn how to build that emotional connection with your husband. Sex isn’t all about doing it and getting the big O. It’s all of that BUT even more, which is your emotional bond with that person and the love you develop for them. You need to start loving him.

    3.) Inexperienced husband vs. experienced wife: Another reason for your disappointed sex life is the past experiences you’ve brought into the present. SubhanAllah this is a great example of why pre-marital relationships in Islam of any sort are forbidden. As humans, it’s natural for us to make comparisons, to go towards what makes us happy. You’ve had these past boyfriends where there was no commitment but lots of great steamy sex. Now you’re with your husband who is a great person but not on par with his previous counter parts. You’re setting yourself up for failure sister. Stop making comparisons, period. The more you that the more you’re drilling a hole in your boat and you’re marriage is going to sink. It’s not fair to your husband that you are masturbating and imagining other men. That’s unacceptable and it’s selfish. I understand you have a problem, but the quick fix route of short term pleasure isn’t going to eliminate the problem. You need alternative solutions (I will talk about that in a little bit).

    4.) What’s going on in your brain? I want to explain to you the biological aspect of what’s going in your brain because you are stuck in this vicious cycle of reward and reinforcement. Sex has become like an addiction for you. The ventral striatal regions in the brain are associated with reward. We also have many neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) that serve various functions. Dopamine in particular is associated with pleasure. That’s why drugs like cocaine and heroin are so addictive because they block the dopamine receptors (these channels that open and close to take in Dopamine and recycle it) and allow for the dopamine neurotransmitters to stay in your brain for longer periods of time, thus elevating levels of pleasure. Similarly, sex also has a relationship dopamine. You have for years activated the ventral striatal regions of your brain constantly when you’ve had sex. The end result was the release of these dopaminergic neurons. You kept doing this and the association of the ventral striatal region and dopamine kept strengthening. Now, the association is so strong, it’s become a habit for you to seek this reward (i.e., sexual pleasure). If this is the case or if there is any other sort of chemical imbalance in your brain then you should consult a doctor and find out what you can do about this. If treated correctly it can really help you control those urges of wanting constant and prolong sex.

    5.) One reason for your husband’s sexual behaviour-Premature ejaculation: I’m not an expert about this and nor am I too sure what exactly premature ejaculation is about (maybe others can shed light on this). But this may be one possibility for why your husband is not able to sexually constrain himself for longer periods of time. 30 seconds is definitely a short period of time so there may be something going on with him that he should also check with a doctor. There is no shame in doing so, especially if it’ll make it easier for both of you!

    6.) What can/should you do? Believe me there is a lot you can do to reduce your problem. First of all, count your blessings! Like someone else said, there are many sisters out there whose husbands are nothing but abusive. You alhumdulillah are blessed to have a husband who loves you, craves for you in bed, and is a great father. Show him you appreciate that. If you already haven’t done so, then start praying salat and reciting Quraan. You need to make duaa to Allah swt to alleviate this burden but also to thank Him for what He’s given to you. Strengthen your connection with Him, trust me you’ll become much stronger. Busy yourself with other things. Sometimes too much sex can be problematic especially when you just don’t feel satisfied no mater how much you get it (and that should be a red flag that there is some problem). Engage yourself in a hobby; read, paint, go out for a jog, work out, cook new dishes, etc. In a nutshell, do something that you enjoy doing, it’ll take your mind off of sex and you’ll be having fun somewhere else! Lastly, keep seeking therapy. You have unresolved business to deal with. There is much more inside you that you need to deal with. Ignoring it or sweeping it behind the curtain isn’t going to help. I know you’ve done so in the past and that’s great, but maybe you need some more counselling.

    I pray Allah swt eases this burden off your shoulders and puts love in your heart for your husband, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

    • Masha Allah "Helping sister",
      Thanks for very thorough/thoughtful advice for the sister and also I applaud you for your courage to come forward and discuss this issue which many sisters won't discuss. In doing so you have revived the sunnah of our great mother Hazrat Ayesha (R.A) and proved that there is nothing wrong with women discussing these issues on line to help other sisters. In fact there is huge number of Muslimahs who are suffering from such problems all over the world but don't find any help since they are shy and are made to suffer throughout there lives by sweeping their issues under the carpet:(. I was thinking to bring this issue up with other editors as to what we can do to make this forum a place where sisters can help other married/single sisters without any feelings of embarrassment or without any discomfort. Because, I believe it will be a lot easier and more effective for a sister to offer and understand other sisters than it is for brothers to advice on certain matters.

      Any ways, Jazak Allah once again and may Allah (swt) bless you with goodness in this life and in hereafter for your kindness in helping this sister. Amin.


      • JazakAllah Khair, brother.

        I think of it as this way, my identity will remain anonymous so why not be honest and upfront about things. No one will know it was me who wrote the advice!

        -Helping Sister

  6. I agree with most of what has been said. But I disagree that this Sister is comparing his husband and her past experience. As any inexperience sister will feel the same as she does. Because she is talking about a serious problem here, which is that the husband does not last more than 30 SECONDS (she is not talking about 30 minutes). If she meant 30 minutes, then I would have completely agreed (with Nab and HelpingSister) that it is her past experience that is making her feels this way.

    Though, I suggest that you both continue to see a doctor, and do not forget to pray to Allah for help. Perhaps something good will happen, Insha'Allah.

    Also I do not believe that this problem is lack of her repentance (As Nab has made it so big in the sense that, he meant that the sister must repent and forget about her feelings). Nevertheless, this Sister is a revert Masha'Allah, and by accepting Islam all her past sins are forgiven automatically. Amr ibn al-'As says: "When Allah guided me to Islam, I went to the Prophet (saws) and said to him: 'O Prophet of Allah (saws)! Stretch out your hand so that I may pledge my allegiance to you.' The Prophet (saws) stretched out his hand to me, but I withdrew my hand. The Prophet (saws) asked: 'O 'Amr! What is the matter with you?' I said: 'I would like to stipulate a condition!' The Prophet (saws) asked: 'What is it?' I said: 'That all my past sins be forgiven!' The Prophet (saws) said: 'O 'Amr! Do you not know that (acceptance of) Islam wipes off all past sins, and ‘Hijrah’(migration for Allah's Cause) wipes off all sins, and Hajj (Mabrur) wipes off all past sins!"'

    Hope this helps Insha'Allah

  7. Salam,

    Thanks to everyone who posted on this topic. To the 'Helping Sister', after reading your post I feel like I'm looking at a mountain of therapy that will take years to climb, and the rest of my life to keep myself on the right track. I'm sure that there's no permenent fix that will allow me to walk away completely healed. At this point in my life, any major emotional damage can be helped, and my impacts on the lives of others as well as the impact of therapy on me may really increase my quality of relationships especially concerning sex, but I know the memory will always be there and it has shaped the person that I am... the way I walk, talk, communicate, etc. Hopefully I can get some help asap.
    I just want everyone to know that I really, really appreaciate this site, and I also want you all to know that there is zero chance for me to cheat on my husband. He is a wonderful man and I really have no interest in crossing that line, so please don't worry. I only want to help myself to be a better wife. I do love him dearly, and I treat him like a king which he is to me.
    Also, Amy, thank you for your comments. You're right, maybe I could have cut the fat, but unfortunately the sexuality wasn't meant to be so over bearing. Now you see, how in trying to discuss my phsychological problems along with facts and things that motivate me in a certain way, I actually ended up even projecting sexuality to the forum which I didn't mean to do. This is what I deal with, maybe I could start by speaking with less words to take away space verbally where I could get into trouble... but it isn't really what you say, but HOW you say it, so that I'll have to work on.
    Issah, yes you're right, even for the unexperienced sister, 30 seconds is a real problem. I'm not sure what to do, but I FORBID him to take any pills. I want him around for as long as possible, happy and healthy. The thing is, I'll have to develop a liking for certain things that I wasn't really into before, but I can totally do that if it will solve this pressing issue. Things like was suggested earlier, 'Talking dirty'... it sounds wierd, but with a man as high in my mind as my husband is, I have a hard time doing that with him... but could do it with any of the other meaningless sexual partners. Please don't cringe at that... I promise I will try it anyway in a way that I'll like it, and it'll be exciting for him too. I'm not closed off to options. I also might try toys.
    Also, I have no idea how to go about getting a therapist for this issue... what do I do? I live in Canada. How do I get a prescription for a therapist, or do I have to pay hundreds of dollars a session to talk to a board certified psychiatrist? Anyone with any knowledge on that would be greatly helpful. JZK


    • Sister,

      You’re absolutely right regarding the memories remaining with you forever. However, let those memories remain where they are: in your past. We have all had our fair share of bad memories we wish we could erase from our brain but unfortunately the human mind doesn’t work that way.

      I don’t think you will require life long counseling or therapy. However, it’s good to speak to a certified Therapist or Psychologist who can give you some insight into why you are feeling this way and what you can do to change things. I suggest though that you try to go to a Muslim Therapist or Psychologist, if possible. They will understand you better as non-Muslim people do not consider anything wrong with having pre-marital relationships, masturbating, etc.

      You say you reside in Canada so what I suggest you do is go to your family doctor and get a thorough physical check up done first (your husband should do this as well). Then explain your problem to her and ask if she can refer you to a specialist (i.e, a Psychologist or Therapist). She should be able to. I don’t think the cost is covered by your health ministry but you can double check. It might just be worth it to do a quick Google search and see what certified Therapists are out there. Make sure they are certified by the Canadian Psychological Association or American Psychological Association. Some people just call themselves Therapists when they’re actually not certified to be one. Ask them regarding their credentials before you seal the deal with them.

      Stay strong sister!

      -Helping Sister

  8. I Thought you were canadian 🙂

    You said something about your husband being as high. What do u mean

  9. Salam,

    Woody, I meant because of his status in my mind... elevated or "high" above the other men I've been with... him being so highly educated, Muslim and a good man with a good heart and very limited sexual experience, talking that way in bed is a thing that can make me blush. I'm not saying I won't try it, or he wouldn't like it... I'm just saying I'm not experienced at having a person with such a beloved status in my mind, and changing that relationship in the bedroom to one of carnal, sexual verbal expression which can, when said out loud, sound disrespectful in a way. Please don't mistake that the things I would say would actually BE disrespectful.
    Maybe not something you would expect me to pick up on... if I were to forsee what some might say as advice to counter this comment, it would be obvious things like 'It's for the good of your sex life with your husband', 'You could say these things with them, but not with him? Why?', or 'All this experience with others and you can't just fake it till' you make it' But all those questions are very superficial compared to the debth of the psychological issue I'm talking about... not to mention wouldn't be very compassionate.
    I think it's just as simple really though as that I'm not used to it. I really view my husband differently than I do any other man.
    It's almost as uncomfortable talking dirty to my husband as it would be talking about the menstral cycle with my daughter when she hits woman hood. I know it's a wierd connection to make, but for me they both deal with talking about something sexually sensitive with someone who holds a status of purity in your mind.
    No worries, I'll figure out a way to pull this off.

    Anyone have any feedback on how one in my position starts to see a therapist? All my therapy was as a child and the government provided it. Now I'm an adult... there must be a starting point to be prescribed a therapist for these things. How does one admit themselves into care?


    • Salaams,

      I don't know how it is in Canada. In the US, if you want to go to therapy all one has to do is look up a therapist in the phone book and make an appointment. No prescriptions are needed, generally. If someone has health insurance it can cover the appointments, otherwise someone can self pay. If someone has limited funds, at times the counselor will be willing to accept a sliding fee scale etc.

      If I understand correctly, don't Canadians have socialized healthcare? I would imagine counseling benefits would be covered no differently than appointments for asthma care would be. What does one have to do for those types of things? Do you have a main family doctor or primary care physician you see for checkups? Sometimes you can mention what you are looking for to them and they can point you in the right direction.

      Not sure if that helps, but certainly there must be some social services agencies or referral hotlines available? What would someone who is suicidal do? (I'm not saying that your case is anywhere that severe, but that's usually the fast lane through the same process anyone else would take for other issues).

      -Amy Editor







  11. Assalamualikum

    I think what brother Ali Yousuff told it will work. Plz Sister try it.
    My dua is for u.

  12. there nothing wrong in talking dirty to your husband and it dont tarnish purity he your husband for god sake. that the reason you married him so you could do these thing togther.

    Like i said before you might be the problem as well as him.

    get over this mental barrier start feeling comfortable with you partner enough to talk to him or whatever it is.

    somtimes people need a kick up the kyber pass (rhyming) just to get thing done that include any psycological issue.

    life is too short too hang on to sutff and when your old and grey you will regret this and no one absoulty no one can give you this time back no matter how much you complain afterwards.

    sort yourself out first then deal with your husband

    all the best inshallah

  13. AOA Sister,

    I am not going into the specifics but with your experience you should know better. A practical advise which may ease your situation, Allah gives your husband 10 fingers and a tong, he can make better use of them to satisfy your urges. Also, why not look at some toys to help you both.

  14. The answer is easy. Have you tried going more than once? I don't think the second or third run would last 30 secs.. You come from a past where you had experienced men, before you he was a virgin.. Nobody becomes a pro in a day. Practice makes perfect sister, hope this helps.

  15. You asked,
    "Do you think Allah will forgive those that are tormented by sexual needs if they arose from being abused as a child".
    First of all, sexual needs are just that, needs. This feeling is normal, and isn't a sin in itself. It is what you do with it. So don't beat yourself for being sexual. A lot of women are. Some aren't. Some are but are told to repress it because it isn't womanly. As a revert, you get a clean state from your past, alhumdolliah.

    And as for the problem between you and your husband, it seems he is trying his best here. It is something he cannot control. He can try to slowly increase his time, by stopping and holding, and then continuing.

    I am wondering if you have asked him to extend foreplay with you. If he stimulates you with his hands to satisfy you that way before intercourse.

  16. Annie,

    I have to disagree with you. I have a hyperactive sexual dysfunction stemming from psychological damage from sexual abuse as a child. I act in a way that is not normal, and do not treat my relationships in a emotionally or physically typical way. So although I commend you on answering this question since most others addressed the other parts of the question and skipped this part, My question remains:
    If someone sexually abuses you as a child which is a horrible thing to do, and the childs mentality, approach and ethics on sex become warped due to this incident (or many incidents) that cause the child to grow into a woman that solidifies the idea of sex differently than others, then will she be held fully accountable for her actions?
    If you take a small child and burn them with a hot coal and imprint on them severe punishment every time they look at a masjid and tell them Mulsims are evil, then when they get older they hate masjids and Islam and speak out against Islam, then who is to blame... the person doing the speaking, or the person doing the burning? Or both, and to what degree?

    • If you take a small child and burn them with a hot coal and imprint on them severe punishment every time they look at a masjid and tell them Mulsims are evil, then when they get older they hate masjids and Islam and speak out against Islam, then who is to blame... the person doing the speaking, or the person doing the burning? Or both, and to what degree?

      I believe, If they both are muslim, then they both will be blamed for the sin and will be punished. The former due to him teaching the child to transgress divine law instead of teaching proper Islamic morals and for torturing/abusing the child and the latter due to acting upon the sin taught by his teacher even though he has got brains to use, research, learn and differentiate between good and bad, right and wrong.

      The degree of punishment depends on the sin committed. For example, it is difficult to control the feeling of ' love ' or ' sex ' or etc , there is no sin for the feelings, but if they are acted upon illegally, then they are to be blamed, sin occured, law transgressed and God dis-obeyed.

      Btw, I was told that hyperactive sexual disorder has treatment, go with therapy and medication.

  17. It makes me so sad to know that alot(most) of the women from (islamic cultures) like arabs,africans,asian ......have horrible husbands and marriges. Abusive,respectless,unfair and full with arguments and negativity and then a white woman gets this perfect loving husband, im happy for you and inshallah it wont change but its so depressing. Im sorry about your problem and i hope allah will help you. Salam

    • I don't at all agree that most of the women from Islamic cultures have horrible husbands. What a strange idea. Out of all the Muslim families I know, the great majority have happy marriages and well-adjusted children.

      Wael Editor

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