Islamic marriage advice and family advice

They brought me a proposal, then withdrew it saying an Istikharah turned out negative


Marriage proposal

Asalaamalaikum everyone...

I am muslim female looking to get married sometime soon. Cutting the long story short; I recently got a proposal and I really liked the guy. The guys family all really liked me so they gave the proposal.  His family said that he liked me and I was the first girl he agreed to.

Sometime later they said that they got istikhara done by some peer (Editor's translation: Literally meaning an old man, but widely used as a title for a Sufi master) and it turned out negative. They therefore cancelled everything and were quite upset by this.

I really don't know what to do. I know their isthikhara is wrong as they never used the right method to complete it. I really liked the guy and so did my family. We all believe that we are perfect for each other in every way. I have been praying to Allah that He guides them to what is right.

Please advise me. I really want to marry him. I have never felt like this before for anyone.

What should I do? I feel helpless, all I do is pray to Allah. I can't talk to my family and I can't forget about it.

I feel like I will never get married because I will never get this feeling that someone is right for me again. I have rejected so many proposals in the past and feel like i might be getting punished for that. I had no intention to ever hurt anyone, I just done what I felt was right for me and judged whether I will be happy after marriage.

Going through this I hope that every good muslim girl who wants to get married using the proper religious methods gets married to a guy suitable for them.

Please pray for me. I really hope Allah has a good plan in place for me, insha-allah ameen.

~ givepeace

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14 Responses »

  1. Salam sister. Isnt istikharah supposed to be done by the guy himself? Hes the one marrying you, not the peer. And did you do istikharah? Whats the result- how do you feel? And you love him before marriage-thats not right

  2. Sister,

    Everything happens for a reason. Some things do not come to be as something better is yet to come. Allah hu alem.


  3. Salamualaikum,

    I agree with both the sisters above. Istikhaarah has to be done with whoever is concerned with the affair.

    In Al-Baab Al-Maftooh (#83) by Shaikh Bin Uthaymeen (ra) there is the following:

    "Istikhara is not allowed except for the one who wants or wills [to do something] and it is not permitted for him/her to make istikhara for someone else even if that person assigned him and said 'make istikhara to Allah for me' because The Prophet (saaws) said 'If one of you willed a matter let him pray two ruka'as and then say ..... [the rest of the hadith is known]'. It is as if two persons were to enter the masjid and one says to the other 'pray the two ruka'ahs of tahiyyatol masjid on my behalf and I will sit down'. It is not correct. Salatul Istikhara is imputed to the self of the one making istikhara [for what he/she wants to do]"

    Nowadays, Istikhaarah has become a business and a tool of fame. A so called 'peer' claims to do Istikhaarah for others and they say him for it. Then he informs them whether the affair is good or not, or which is the correct course of action. This is incorrect.
    The funniest part is that there are TV channels which have programs called Istikhaarah. People give a phone call and a Peer is available, who claims to do Istikhaarah and tells them what to do.
    Should not the Muslims trust in Allah? The prayer of Istikhaarah is between the servant and The Lord. It is based on trust in Allah.

    And sister givepeace, if this person is one who goes to such people or believes in such things, then I doubt if he would be a perfect Muslim husband you could have (but Allah can Guide whoever He Wills).

    According to me, you should move ahead and seek a man who would help you seek Allah's Pleasure.
    Moreover, if he was serious about you, I believe he would have shown it, when the parents denied you later.

    Sister, all we can do is give opinion. Whose opinion can be better than Allah's? So seek Allah's counsel through Istikhaarah yourself with complete trust in Allah, and insha Allah, you'll find your choice, clear.

    But if if is not for you, then, as a sister said above, Some things do not come to be as something better is yet to come. Maybe Allah Has something better in store for you.

    May Allah ease your life

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  4. Brother Waseem,
    Why would one do istikharah after the proposal? Would it not make better sense to do it prior to making/accepting a proposal? Hurt feelings, dashed hopes, and misunderstandings could be avoided this way.

    Also, the use of peers to perform istikharah rather reminds me of 1-800-psychic hotlines.

    • Exactly, this is another reason this man does not deserve this sister.
      Istikhaarah way to be done by the man before the proposal was brought, and if it was positive, then the proposal... And after the decision, trust in Allah, as He says in Surah aal Imran, Aayah 159:

      ...Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allahloves those who put their trust (in Him).

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. dear sis,


    i was in a similar situation like yours not long ago. i know how you feel. i tried to make it work but of no use. i even tried to contact this guy personally through e mail and trying to make it work but it ended in disappointment.

    all through this time i was doing istakhara and was getting this similar feeling that he is the right one, but if we pay attention to meaning of istakhra dua we are asking Allah........ you know and i dont, you see what i if its good for me make it easy for me , if not then take it away from me and take me away from it , so when things dont work out this is what we should always keep in mind that it is this part of dua that hasbeen answered.

    sis you dont know the future , you THINK it was good , but only Allah knows the best.
    it took me a while to come to terms to it that my proposal didnt work out but alhamdulillah i know deep inside that Allah meant good for me in it. just turn towards Allah and inshallah he will comfort you in this time and provide from HIM a husband that you may find tranquality and he will creat love between the hearts. just trust \him and leave your matters to Him.

    in your namaz , make dua for yourself to make ease for you in this difficult experience.

    • Dear sis,
      i was thinking of you after thr taraweh prayers. just wanted to say that you dont want to get married o a person and in a family who instead of trusting Allah trust a 'peer'.
      allah is saving you and your iman.

  6. Salaam sister,
    I know how you feel,BUT,what is right for you will happen just trust Allah.We are just human beings and cannot see what Allah can.Let me tell you a story about myself.I fell in love with a girl so i sent my parens with a proposal to her house we were all very happy about it .Then next time those people said that they were going to do istikhara and that made me very upset and i told this to her over the phone that i dont want to do istikhara and neighter should she,so she spoke to her dad and her dad decided to cancel the plan for istikhara.A couple of months later we got married,now its almost 5 years since my marriage and my life has become HELL,she turned out to be different than what i expected,she has relations with other men,she is disrespectful to me and my family,she is a liar and i could go on and on........what i realized is IF i would have done istikhara and I am sure that it would have come out negative,ofcourse it would make me sad that i could not marry where i wanted to but I would have been saved by Allah from the devastation and destructive situation that I have got myself into.So ALWAYS do istikhara because it means asking for Allah's help and opinion and Allah is never wrong he loves each and every one of us and always does what is best for us all we have to do is trust HIM.
    May Allah give you peace at heart.

  7. Mustafa, aslamalikum,may allah make it easy for you. just rememeber that everything happens by the will of Allah, even your marriage happened by the will of allah. Allah doesnt gain anything from making us sad, but sometimes even the bad is a means of bringing us close t our lord. iam sure you definately feel much closer to Allah and your relationship is stronger and closer.

    i know you are asking for advice but please dont be in a rotten relationship , it will only harm you. may Allah give you courage to get out of this mess.

  8. Salaam everyone,

    I want to thank all of you for all your advice and duas. Reading through all your comments has made me feel much better. Also, all this has certainly brought me closer to Allah. I have my trust in Allah and I am sure He has a good solution to the situation I am in. It's really weird but I still feel that we are right for each other and really want them to give the proposal again. Everything is fine with them but they are just blinded by some peer. Anyway I am trying make myself feel better by thinking of it this way...if we are destined to be together than Allah will surely guide the guy and his family. If not, then I will find someone better than him.

    One thing I would like to know is whether I should do istikhara myself. I mean if I get positive feelings like Friend did, then there is not much I can do.

    I hope Allah guides all the people that are using istikhara to play with peoples lives and also those who believe in them.

    Thank you all once again. I hope Allah gives you all peace and happiness. Ameen

  9. dear sis,

    listen to yamin mogahed talk ' why cant i get what i want' it will make a lot of things clear to helped me .its on her website and you tube.

  10. Assalam everyone

    I was in talking terms with a guy and our intention was only to get married , he approached his parents multiple times for our proposal but then they did not agree for us
    I did istikhara and im seeing positive results
    Please help me understand what this means

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