Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He has moved on and it kills me to see him with someone else

 

Lonely man walking away.

I am Indian, and I was in relationship with an arab for 2 years. His family knew about us and I had met them many times and even had outings with them. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me no matter if anything happens. Problems started coming because of our culture, but for him I changed myself completely. He never appreciated me, and things he asked me not to do he would do them, and when I told him this he would be mad at me instead of accepting his mistake.

Because we had a lot of fights, his mum told him they would not accept his relationship with me and  he broke up with me without even telling me the reason. I ran after him like mad, but he didn't respond. After a long time when he finally did, he said his mum made him promise on Quran to breakup with me. I reminded him of how much we loved each other and that we can get through this phase but he still left.

I was ill and went into depression. After a few months he asked me to give him a chance, so I did but he left me again saying his parents are not agreeing to our relationship, that it will not work, and that we have no future. I begged him to stay, and I reminded him of everything he said  and how he would do anything for us, but he said he can't anymore and it's over. He went to the extent and abused me saying he didn't want to hear from me and to get lost, he said he doesn't have time for me and Islam doesn't allow relationships because it's haram.

I kept quiet on this because he talked about Islam. He killed me with his words and actions; I loved him truly and I gave myself to him. We did get physical but never had sex. Today I see him doing everything he said he never would, even the things he said he wouldn't for the sake of Islam. His face shows no sign of regret - like he never had a breakup or like it never hurt him. He puts up his pictures with girls so close to him it made me feel like he never loved me, just played.

I am broken. I tried a lot to stay away from him, but I always end up seeing his whatsapp 'last seen', and I see him online always. We don't talk- it's been 2 months now. It really hurts, how can he do this when he said he doesn't have time but he's online always? When he said he will never move on but he's gone too far? He said he would delete pictures but he uploads many more. I am broken completely; he broke everything and it kills me to see him with someone else. It kills me how can he say so much and forget everything in seconds.

I know am at fault too. I was away from Allah, and I am apologizing now. I do know I committed sin, and I do realize my mistake and I am repenting. I hope he does too and gets closer to Allah. I wish this pain went away, I wish my tears would stop thinking of him.

-naya9110

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18 Responses »

  1. assalamalaikum
    ITS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE THAT HE HAS SHOWN HIS TRUE COLORS-
    After a long time when he finally did, he said his mum made him promise on Quran to breakup with me.\THERE IS NO OATH EXCEPT ON THE NAME OF ALLAH WHICH IS ISLAMICALLY-VALID AND PERMITTED THIS SHOWS THEIR JAHALATH- AND THE KNOWLEDGE OF ISLAM-AND ONCE YOU WOULD HAVE LANDED IN THEIR HANDS YOU HAD IT AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE BUYING A TICKET TO JAHANAM IN THE WORLD BECAUSE MAXIMUM PEOPLE IN THESE PSEUDO ARABS ARE JUNGLEES AND HARDLY U WILL FIND ANY COMPASSION IN THEM THEY ARE ROUGH TYPE AND VERY HARD TO GET ALONG-
    1ST WRONG IS CORRESPONDENCE AND MINGLING WITH A NON MEHRAM-THAT IS AGAINST ISLAMIC SELECTION OF HUSBAND WHERE ONLY SEEING IS ALLOWED AND REST MEET ON THE DAY OF NIKAH THIS WILL SAVE YOU FROM TODAYS BLUNDER YOU HAVE GOT INTO-

    NOW TURN TOWARDS ALLAH THANK HIM HE SAVED YOU OR ELSE YOU WOULD HAVE COME BACK WITH 1 OR 2 CHILDREN-
    Go Out and Get It!
    Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "Seek out that which benefits you, seek help only from Allah and never say you can't do it. If any adversity comes to you do not say: 'If I had only acted in such-and-such a way, it would have been such-and-such;' but instead, say: 'Allah has decreed (it) and what He willed, He has done,' for verily, (the word) ‘if’ opens the way for the work of Satan." [Sahih Muslim]
    Through this hadith Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) tells us to:
    1. Seek the beneficial.
    2. Ask Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) for help.
    3. Be optimistic. Nothing is impossible if Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) wills it for you.
    4. Don’t cry over spilt milk.
    5. Trust Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) in what He has willed for you.
    Time is like a river . . . You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow has passed and will never pass again. If there is something that will benefit you, make every effort and go after it! Seek it out!
    There is no failure, only lessons.
    “Say: 'O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Soorah az-Zumar (39): 53]

    • Assalaamu alykum Dear Uncle,

      I got a lesson from this

      Was Salaam

      • ASSALAMALAIKUM
        THE INTRODUCTION OF MR HE-
        YOU ARE THINKING THAT MR-HE IS A BLESSING ACTUALLY THAT MR-HE ONLY IS THE CULPRIT WHO PLAYS WITH LIVES OF INNOCENT GIRLS ON THE PRETEXT OF AN ARAB OR NAMAZI OR HAFIZE QURAN BECAUSE IN THE GARB OF THAT NAME AND TITLE-HE WORKS ON THE PLAN OF SATAN TO SPREAD INDECENY IN THE WORLD-THAT MR-HE WOULD HAVE BEEN RELIGIOUS HE WOULD'NT HAVE BROKEN THE RULE OF MINGLING OF SEXES AND DEFYING ALLAH TO CHOOSE A GIRL BY PRE-MARITAL SYSTEM-BECAUSE THAT MR-HE IS A DECREE HOLDER[MASTER]IN PLAYING WITH THE INNOCENT GIRLS EMOTIONS AND SHE BECOMES A SITTING DUCK-DUE TO SATANIC INFLUENCE IN THE FORM OF MR-HE SO MANY LIVES ARE DISTURBED SO MANY GIRLS RESPECTS AFFECTED IN THEIR FAMILIES AND THE TRUST OF PARENTS LOST ONCE CANNOT BE GAINED BACK-
        SO THE GIRLS ALLAH HAS SAVED MUST THANK HIM DAY AND NIGHT-THE LIFE OF A GIRL IS LIKE A FRAGILE GLASS BEAUTIFUL AND TENDER-ONCE CRACKED -THAT CRACK IS FOR LIFE-YOU CANNOT GET BACK THE ORIGINAL STATUS-WHICH IS CALLED A WOMAN -“Say: 'O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Soorah az-Zumar (39): 53]

        • Wa Alaykum Us salaam,

          Jazakkallahu Khair Uncle

          May Allah forgive all of us and guide us to the right path Ameen!

          Was Salaam

          Fee Amanillah

        • Salam Brother,

          You are so right!

          May Allah save these women who have been caught in the web of these disgusting men.

    • Masha'Allah good advice. Insha'Allah i hope the sister will take heed.

    • As-salam-alaikum Brother,

      i learnt something from this.

      Thank you for sharing.

    • Assalam alaikum,

      Great advice Br. Ali.

      It is especially great because of where you highlighted not continuing communication with a non-mehram. This is particularly dangerous for women and your advice is not just good for the OP, but all of us.

      Men are typically attracted to women through their physical beauty and women are typically attracted to men through the safety/security and feelings that she develops from the connection she feels from a man. Not to say that physical attractiveness isn't important to women or to say that feelings aren't important to men, but the priorities are usually not the same.

      If a woman avoids this communication, she doesn't risk falling emotionally into this trap which is usually the technique that men who want to use women will use. A man who wants to marry you will make that happen without delay.

      To the OP, dear sister Naya,

      Don't waste another moment of your life thinking about this man and immediately delete all contact information with him. Do not let him contact you again and if by chance he tries to meet you or sees you--make it clear to him that it is over because he will not change his ways--especially when he has repeated this. If other proposals come your way, your father should be contacted and involved immediately.

      Ask Allah to forgive you for the time that you were with him regardless of how far it went. It is really sad that these type of men deceive women into making them believe that they are in love when they only want to use women for temporary fun. Even though what your ex-fiancee did is wrong, still you have sinned--so make sincere tawbah and never disrespect your body again or your belief system.

      May Allah grant you a righteous husband and guide us all on the straight path. May Allah ease your pain--but you have to want it and start right now by doing the right thing. Ameen.

  2. Dear Sister,

    You said"I know am at fault too. I was away from Allah, and I am apologizing now. I do know I committed sin, and I do realize my mistake and I am repenting. " then you dont need to be advised on the same.

    To make the pain go away, to stop your tears and to stop thinking of him, what you need to do is to have acceptance. Accept what that happened and realize how blessed you are by Almighty (Swt). Allah (Swt) saved you from further suffering and agony this man can put you through, especially in case of marriage.

    don't you realize that a man who cannot stand for his love (although i doubt if his feelings were sincere for you ever) and just leave you excusing his family and all. this shows how coward is he by nature and no girl would like to marry such coward who cannot stand for himself. just imagine, if he has married you but later at any point of life,would have left you just like then how horrible and painful things would have been for you. you should realize that he was not a genuine/good guy for you. he was merely playing with you and your emotions. you are better saved than being a wife of such coward, selfish, immoral guy who has double standard and who even goes to the extent to use Islam to fulfill his motives. Open your eyes my dear sister and see the reality. dont be an emotional fool. you are actually blessed by almighty, god is still indicating you about his true self when he puts his pictures with other girls. would you have liked to be wife of such immoral man who play with many girls? Dont you have any self respect, dont you deserve a good genuine husband? think about it.

    you need to move one, of course it will pain since you were genuine in your feelings and was serious for this relationship but you would come out of depression and pain if you start realizing that good came out of bad. How Allah (swt) guided and saved you from such nasty person.

    to move on, get yourself close to Allah (swt), offer your saleh regularly and recite holy Quran peferably with meaning to learn about our deen, make lots of duas to allah (Swt) to forgive you for your mistakes and to keep you under his protection, cut all your contacts with this man , delete all his photos and whatsapp you have. Do not leave any room for him to contact you or for you to get him remember. donate if you any gifts from him. keep yourself busy. take up a new hobby or a new daily routine. whenever you feel weak at heart, remind yourself how he took advantage of you and how Allah (Swt) saved you. pray to almighty to bless you with a good practicisng muslim husband.

    Remember ALLAH does not change a people´s condition unless they change what is in their hearts…. [13:11]Holy Quran

    it will take time but you will be healed. Trust Allah (swt)

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      My dear Sister Ray Of Hope,

      Masha Allah, Very good reply, Which was useful to me also

      May Allah forgive all of us and guide us to the right path. Ameen!

      Regards

      Your Sister

  3. Asalam Alaikum sister,

    Verily with hardship comes (94:5-6).

    Dear sister, like Br Ali said its a blessing in disguise. You have been saved from this man at the right time. This is the huge relief. Just imagine if you had married this man wouldn't the situation had been more worse? He was a liar, did not keep his word, is self absorbed, mingles with so many girls, does not obviously respect you much but was with you so he could fuel his EGO by your love for him. Do you really want to marry such a man?? What makes you think you would have had a happy marriage considering you are not even happy before?
    I know its hard now and I know this will seem like the most repeated thing but believe me, it only gets better from here. I tell you from personal experience why such things happen. It happens because we allow someone else in a place where only Allah SWT should be. And then ofcourse we are let down because it is we who wronged our self by placing our heart in another persons hand.

    You can only consider this as a blessing that Allah has put distance between sinning and you. Wouldn't it be worse for your soul if you had committed zina? But now you are safe from it and have got another chance to live life on the right path, not only that, this guy was not even a good man. The hurt and injustice will pain now and then, but keep reminding yourself how close to zina you got and how far you are now from it, what displeases your Creator should displease you. So repent for the haraam relationship and take this as a chance to get close to Allah and your deen. That guy is not worth your tears, all you can do is pray for him. What is worth would be a man who is religious and pious and respects you, so save yourself and your love for such a man and turn to Allah SWT. You will inshaAllah find a good man and be happy

    • "why such things happen. It happens because we allow someone else in a place where only Allah SWT should be."

      very true, its an eternal fact....

    • *Sorry the verse is

      Verily with hardship comes relief (94:5-6)

      • Here is what I "think" this guy sound like he is a lier and he is a player, if he truly love you and care for you he wouldn't listen to his mother and he would fight for you. Thank god Allah save you from him because he sound like he would cheat on you if you guys did get married!!! I'm not been mean or anything but must arab guys use girls and dump them like there nothing I have seen many friends that dated them must of them not all!!! So sister pray to Allah to find you a better husband insallah.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Rather than letting these feelings of hurt and loss overwhelm you, say Alhamdulillah. You no longer have a haram relationship with a boy who is clearly far from the deen, if he is behaving as you describe. Such a boy doesn't sound emotionally or spiritually ready for marriage - he needs to do a lot of growing up.

    However, you have learned the truth before becoming inextricably involved in his life, and have a chance to learn from this situation, repent and move on with your life.

    I would advise you to delete his number, block him from any emails or online communities you use, and block his social networking pages - the temptation to look at his photos can't be indulged if the site is blocked. Then, ensure that you are surrounded by positive Islamic influences - avoid 1:1 contact with non-mahram males, get involved in your local Islamic community, study Quran and the life of The Prophet (peace be upon him)...

    Once you feel ready, you could talk with your parents about marriage, and ask them to help you find a pious man of good character, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. And please remember this...what seems so important,so "life-stopping", so "he's the one for me!!!" while you are young is but a stepping stone in life. A lesson learned. A bad marriage/relationship avoided. A time for inner reflection and often a painful course in what can go wrong. I will not reflect on your sins or mine, but say this is an opportunity given to you by Allah (swt), and in HIM you can find peace, forgiveness, and eventual happiness. There is no prescribed timetable to achieve happiness and contentment. For me, it took 14 years. Allah (swt) knows best. May Allah(swt) grant you peace in your heart and mind.

    Lydia

  6. assalamalikum-
    If a woman avoids this communication, she doesn’t risk falling emotionally into this trap.....
    THEN JUST HE IS NOT ONLY ALLAH BY NAME-BUT THE BEST CARE TAKER THEN ONLY HE HAS GIVEN US ISLAM AND INSTRUCTIONS OF SHARIAH SO THAT WE JUST SAY WE BELIEVE AND STICK TO HIS COMMANDS WHICH HAVE ALL THE GREAT REASONS OF OUR SAFETY-THROUGH.....

    THE IDEAL PROPHET-1400 YEARS AGO SOMEONE LOVED YOU-CRIED FOR YOU-
    ASKING ALLAH FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS...

    TO REVIVE OUR SPIRITUAL LIVES-AND PURSUE THE PATH OF SALVATION......

    There has certainly been for you in the Messenger excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in
    Allah and the Last Day and who remembers Allah often(Al-Ahzab 33: 21)

    ITS HIGH TIME MUSLIMS MUST RE-ESTABLISH THEMSELVES WITH THE PATTERN OF A ISLAMIC TEACHINGS ADHERING TO THE LIFE TAUGHT BY OUR BELOVED PROPHET SALALAHUALAIHIWASALAM-
    OUR LADIES[BE HIJAB] THOSE WHO DO ARE DOING LIKE OUR-MAIDS WEAR WHEN GOING FROM ONE HOUSE ANOTHER-DISCARD IN FRONT OF ALL NON-MOHRIMS AS SOON AS U REACH INSIDE A HOUSE
    & INTERACT FREELY WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF ALLAH-

    Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin (Radhiallaahu Ánha) "Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) said "Allah does not accept the prayer of a woman who has reached puberty unless she wears a veil."Sahih Al-Bukhari Volume 9, Book 89, Hadith # 293
    More in this worlds best book http://muslimcanada.org/purdah.pdf
    OUR BOYS&GIRLS-WITH THE DRAGGING-PANTS/JEANS ALL-KHANS HAIR STYLES-
    HARDLY LOOK LIKE MUSLIMS INDULGE IN [MINGLING OF SEXES]WITH OUTSIDERS/
    COUSINS ETC IS A FASHION-
    Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) has appointed angels to record the deeds,BOTH GOOD & BAD Verily, over you (are appointed angels) to watch you,Kiraaman Kaatibeen –writing down.
    AND END RESULT IS WE DISOBEY AND SUFFER LIKE THE ABOVE CASE-
    REGARDS

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