Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve committed a terrible act, repentant, but will the guilt ever leave me?

Salaams My Brothers and Sisters,

I recently committed a terrible act by allowing a woman to touch me sexually. It was during a massage which I know now I should not even have entertained the thought of doing being a Muslim and married as well. I've had them numerous times with no sexual contact and didn't really think twice as I simply thought them to be therapeutic.

I have two great kids, and one due soon. My Wife is great to me, I can't use our relationship as an excuse for anything I've done. I was happy, not an issue in the world.

I have repented, cried every time I address Allah for forgiveness and know in my heart I'd never do it again. I believe Allah has forgiven me for he is the Most Merciful and knows in my heart how truly sorry I am for what I've done.

I am truly struggling my Brothers and Sisters, I don't eat, I don't sleep and am plagued with constant anxiety attacks. My Doctor is a devout Muslim and advised me not to disclose this to my Wife even though that's all I've wanted to do since it happened. I love her, I respect her, and can't bear to look her in the face knowing what I've done. I feel so guilty and ashamed, she deserves so much better.

I keep harbouring thoughts of telling her, like somehow it will be ok but deep down I know I'll destroy everything if I do. It's only been a few days so it's still very raw.

If I do cover this sin, and hide it from her, my biggest fear is whether or not the guilt will at least subside enough for me to lead a normal life and be the best husband and Father I can be to my Family. They mean the world to me and their happiness is far more important than mine.

I know Allah (SWT)  will forgive me, I am a good person with a kind heart. Will coming closer to Allah (SWT) through good deeds, Prayer and Duaa alleviate this guilt I'm feeling as I simply can not function at the moment.

I appreciate any words you might have for me to offer some relief from the torment I feel inside at the moment, I usually confide in my Wife with all matters that ail me which makes this so hard to bear not being able to share with her.

Sincerely,

Imperfect


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20 Responses »

  1. Don't worry about it life's too short you didn't have sex with a married woman did you? So chill and get on with it don't do it again and be a man most guys do worse Adultery this woman only tickled you Wake up!!!

    • Do not downplay this touch as a tickle. Your definition of "being a man" is rather sad.

    • Brother Sami,
      If you think this is not a "big deal", then think twice about yourself and your morals. Read Quran and start praying 5x. The OP sounds like 10x more of a man than the deffinition you just gave to "chill and get on with it."

    • What advice would have you given to his wife, if she was getting therapeutic massages from men and a male massage therapist only tickled her while giving her a massage?

  2. I guess you were getting nude massages from different women and you did not know it was a wrong thing to do. How long you have been getting these therapeutic massages? Did you ever go to a male massage therapist? Did you tell your wife about these therapeutic massages from women? If not why not.

    When the therapist started touching how did you react? Did you let her "sexually assault" you all the way to the finish?

    Do you get sexually excited when you get massages from women?

    By telling this information, are you trying to tell your wife you are a very honorable man who forgot to tell her that he was getting therapeutic massages?

  3. Brother,

    I personally feel it is best to keep your transgressions to yourself. You made an unfortunate choice and it is something you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life. Continue to seek forgiveness with Allah the most merciful and compassionate. From the sounds of it, you have a lovely family and a devoted wife. I honestly feel there is nothing to be gained by telling your wife about what transpired. It is in the past and there is nothing she nor you can do about it at this point. Should you reveal your sin, your marriage could suffer irrevocably from your disclosure and set the stage for future complications. Continue to repent for your transgressions and do not visit such places again. Strive to be a good father to your children and the best husband you can be to your wife.

    Salam

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    First of all, I am glad that you have taken your sin seriously. Please do not listen to advice telling you to downplay it or that most men do worse. If you have realized your error and you feel guilty, take that as a blessing and hold on to it. You are "be[ing] a man" by your feeling of accountability. Alhumdulillah.

    I believe that guilt serves a purpose. If your guilt makes you feel bad and prevents you from further sinning, then it is doing its job. If you feel that the burden will be lifted if you tell your wife, you will simply be transferring the burden to her. Please do not tell her. It will destroy your relationship whereas you need to independently mend your soul. This sin is between you and Allah swt. If it grieves you to the point that you can't stop obsessing over it, you may want to consider counselling.

    The other way that this sin may serve you is by giving you insight into your children's lives and difficulties they may face in soceity. Advise them and help them and use this weakness as a strength. Learn from it, improve from it, and let it humble you. It will hurt and it will even carve a scar on your heart, but when it humbles you through its pain and reminders, let it.

    Yes, you may feel that your wife deserves better. But she also doesn't deserve to have her marriage shatter and carry this burden. People err and people mess up big time--but people also rise after falling hard. So rise up and be a good father, an even better husband. As for what you deserve and for what she deserves, we don't get we deserve always in life and our job is to do our best, even after our mistakes and let Allah swt judge, as the is the Best of Judges. So keep on repenting.

    You have mentioned that you always confide in your wife, perhaps this incident has shown you that we can only confide fully in Allah swt. It is only Him that knows us inside out and not even our spouses can know each and every thought and action of ours. We are accountable on our own and sometimes that is the lesson to be learnt.

    In future, do not go to a female massage therapist.

    May Allah ease your pain and help you to improve in the way that is best for you, Ameen.

  5. All i would say is: you didn't have to go to those female massuse or however u spell or call them for massages. You had a wife at home and you could have kindly asked her to massage you where ever you needed. That's y u married her, to be of benefit to each other. Other than that i will keep my opinion to myself.

  6. Look he's a bloke he's got feelings and he let them slip big deal what can one do?Its not worth crying about or feel guilty about or go confessing to his wife or being extra holy moly about is it? Just pay extra zakat keep extra 2 roze feed the poor and next time don't go to a ladies massage parlour you naughty boy you knew very well were this will lead to didn't you? No point now coming here and crying about it and asking which hymn book to read from you hippocrit,Damage has been done or so called it ain't that bad bro I'm telling you theirs worser crimes being committed out there buy married Muslim couples etc with beards/balaclavas Relax/Chill have a cup of tea if ask the mrs too make you one and have a Cuddle X

  7. Why should the editors ban my comments? What am I saying that is bad? I'm telling him as it is simpe sain advice as a Muslim brother why cosy him up?! We live in reality don't we or do we live in a bubble do you live in a bubble? If you don't like the truth go away live in you're cosy little cosy home full of bubble wrap this is real talk real Islam man talk man problems if you ban me it will be sad all views must be heard telling him to pray etc won't help him will it?

  8. All iv heard is repent repent pray pray or you will go to HELL you idiots!!! What kind of advice is that how is that going to help him? I haven't heard one comment on here that has been positive for this guy you guys are going to put this guy on anti depressants when you're finished with him what kind of ummah are you? You Nutts!!! Just pay extra zakat feed the poor keep kushtee with the mrs and don't do it again you'll be fine bro I'm telling you don't listen to these extremist nutters have a nice life.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      As one of the editors on the site, I'm going to ask you to keep in mind that this is an Islamic advice site. If someone wanted to be told "Oh, no big deal, just carry on", they can get that from lads' mags and blokes down the pub. This site is to provide advice with a basis in Islam - I really can't find any part of Islam that says cheating isn't a big deal, that sexual touching is just "tickling", etc...

      As for referring to the site's contributors as "extremist nutters", I think that only serves to underline just how much you need to learn about Islamic morals. Such insults are unacceptable and future comments of this nature will be deleted.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • i was watching everything from yesterday. i would really like to add my opinion that this bro seem to be from England the way he is stating things. if he is from there let me tell you people take such things lightly there the Muslim community. what he is trying to say is not to make a big matter. which i agree. instead of taking this matter on his head he should avoid such things to happen in future. as he is an adult and a Muslim he should know touching and getting touched by any non mehram is haram in anyway, its not Islam.
      he should not go to female message professionals.

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    Brother, what has happened cannot be undone, but you can take steps to make amends and to ensure you do not repeat this.

    Alhamdulillah you realise what you did was wrong; that's the first step. Remember that Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful - trust in Him, and make sincere tawbah. If you need to learn more about how to do this, we have several articles on this available on this website, so inshaAllah you may be able to find what you need there.

    As you say, things may well still feel very raw - give yourself space and time to process what happened. It's better to feel guilt than to not care; feeling guilty and upset shows that you have morals, and that you can learn from this.

    I don't know the details of your sexual contact with this woman, but some sexual activities can carry a risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (eg. an exchange of fluids, penetration) - it may be sensible to get checked out for STDs, as you wouldn't want to risk giving one to your wife. Most STDs can be treated quickly and easily, and you can get checked out by going to your local family planning or sexual health clinic, or by making an appointment with your family doctor. Don't have sexual intercourse with your wife until this issue has been sorted out, to protect her health (remember as well that STDs can have far more serious consequences for women!).

    Don't go back to that massage parlour. If you have a genuine medical need for massage therapy (eg. as part of a physiotherapy treatment), your doctor should be able to refer you to a reputable professional - make sure it's a man. If it's more for relaxation, it may be something you and your wife could do together, for each other. There's no reason to go involving other women.

    It may also be worth considering that many of the women working in these "massage parlours" aren't in that situation because they want to be; many are forced into that kind of work, and would love to escape from that life. While I disagree with much of what Sami ali has said, his suggestion of giving money to charity does have merit; maybe you could donate some money to a charitable organisation which works to help women escape that sort of lifestyle.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  10. Assalaamualaikam

    Nobody's saying anyone's going to hell. Only Allah knows which of us will enter Jannah on the Day of Judgement. All any of us can do is try our best to follow Islamic guidance and turn to Allah with sincere repentance on the occasions when we fall short.

    And instead of "Mr Editor", it really should be "Miss Editor" or "Sister".

    Your post has been edited to remove some inappropriate comments. Please be more careful in your use of language in future.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  11. If we look, we can always find crimes and sins that are worse than the ones we commit. If everyone goes through life with that attitude, then we will never have the motivation to improve ourselves and may even find ourselves going down a slippery slope to even more grievous sins.

    The brother should not be going to get a massage by a woman in the first place - this kind of unnecessary touch by a nonmahram for no compelling reason is haram. That may seem extremist to you, but it's true. He committed this first sin and apparently wasn't even aware of it, and that is what led him to a more grievous sin, which was the sexual contact. The fact that he did these things doesn't mean he's a bad person, but if he dismisses this too he could easily fall back into even worse things. That is why we advise him to repent and stop getting these massages. With time, repentance will inshallah ease his heart and the guilt he feels. In my opinion it is actually your advice that is unhelpful; this is man wracked with guilt and all you can suggest is that he just get over it? If it were that easy he wouldn't have asked this question in the first place.

  12. TOBA REPEATEDLY DAY AND NIGHT - GOD WILL NEVER AND EVER LEAVE ALONE. HE LOVES TO FORGIVE AND AWAITS IF SOME ONE DOES TOBA - HE BECOMES HAPPY WHILST SOME ONE DOES TOBA AND TRUST ME HE STOPS AZAB IN GRAVES WHEN A YOUNG ONE DOES TOBA - TRUST ME - AND I PRAY FOR YOU AND REQUEST YOU TO PRAY FOR ME AS WELL, AM SUFFERING FROM SOME HOW MISTAKES INT HE PAST - MY TEARS DOS NOT STOP IN FRONT OF FAMILY, WHICH MAKES THEM WEEK ALSO, YA RAB HELP ME AND HELP ALL MUSLIMS IN WRONG DOINGS, SURE WHEN SOME ONE DOES WRONG THING IT AFFECTS, BUT ASTAGHFAR CLEANS THE SLATE WITH CLEAR INCLINATION OF DOING IT NOT AGAIN..............TRUST ME GOD IS VERY GRACIOUS - HE LOVES HIS CREATION MORE THAN 70 TIMES THAN A MOTHER DOES HIS CHILD - SON OR DAUGHTER.

    MAY ALLH BRING YOU TO SIRAT E MUSTAQEEM, BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD AND BEAR IN MIND GOD NEVER SLEEPS, HE AWAITS SOME ONE DOES ASTAGHFAR AND BECOMES HAPPY.
    AS SAID PLS. PRAY FOR ME ALSO, AM SUFFERING SOMEHOW SIMILAR SITUATION.

    BEST REGARDS,

  13. I'd advise you to say nothing to your wife. This was a one-off incident and you're repenting to the point of making yourself ill. You're a good person as you have a conscience and are suffering as a result.
    Keep praying to God. God listens and understands those souls with sincerity of heart.
    Forgive yourself and take solace in that God loves you and knows your heart and your pain even better than you do.
    Be good to your wife and children. Don't destroy your family with a confession, but learn by this experience.
    God bless you.

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