Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve cursed my mother

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive

My mother has never supported me all my life. She constantly tells me she wishes I was never born and that I'm not one of her children. Today, I was cleaning the kitchen and my brother messed it up. I got angry and screamed at my brother, who is one year younger than me. Then, I complained to my mother and of course she took my brother's side. Then, she said I'm 35 years old (actually, I'm 32), and that I should leave her house. I have tried to push my husband to get a better job and an apartment, and he doesn't want to.

Out of anger, I cursed my mother calling her the f word and b word and that I wished someone would kill her. I didn't even realize what I said, and now I know I will be burning in hell for what I said. Will Allah ever forgive me? My mother is the reason I am taking medication for depression because she never supports me, nor tries to make my husband be more responsible and get an apartment or says anything to my younger brother when he is being a spoiled brat. However, that doesn't excuse my behavior.

I'm afraid to ask for forgiveness, because my mother will take it for a weakness and continue mistreating me. If I repent in my prayers, will Allah forgive me? I wouldn't even forgive me for saying such disrespectful language, even though my mother treats me badly. No matter what I do, and how hard I try to ignore my mother's put downs, I can't help using foul language out of anger. I guess I am destined for the hellfire no matter what. How can I repent?

Let me say, I've used foul language against my mother multiple times in response to her unsupportive behavior out of anger. When I'm angry, I don't know what I'm doing or saying. How can I save myself from hell? I've repented, but ended up doing it again and again. I know Allah will definitely put me in hell. What should I do? I'm really hating myself now. Help!

islamicgirl28


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19 Responses »

  1. Salaam Aleikum sis,

    I'm sorry that you're having a difficult relationship with your mother.

    Firstly the right of parents in Islam is great. We have to obey them, respect them and be loving towards them. They did support us all our lives. This doesn't mean that they can be unjust and abusive towards us. But even then we should act respectfully with them, gently correcting them where they are wrong and leave the rest to Allah swt.

    You say your mother never supported you but you're 32, married and living in her house. You say that your mother should make your husband get a job and she should chastise your 31 year old brother. Frankly those are not her duties or jobs. I think you have unfair expectations of your mother.

    It may be that your mother feels burdened by you, your husband and brother. She may therefore not speak to you in a nice calm manner.

    Calling your mother what you called her is greatly harmful to all of you. It's totally unacceptable under all circumstances.

    I think you should move out as soon as possible so that everyone can have their own space and work on your relationship with your mother. To apologise to someone you have wronged is part of seeking forgiveness. Sometimes arrogance keeps us away from apologising. It does not matter if she sees this as weak- you do your bit and rectify things from your side. Your mother is not your friend or a competitor- she is your mother and no one else will take that role in this world.

    Please apologise for what you said and find ways of rebuilding your relationship with your mother.

    In addition to this if you get so angry that you do not know what you are doing then this becomes something dangerous. Find coping strategies to deal with anger. Perhaps read about anger management and how to recognise when things are about to boil over. Make dua, read Quran on yourself and pray your salah on time. You may find t helpful talking to someone about how you feel.

    Good luck sis.

  2. Sister,

    This advice is for me as much as for you.

    The issue sounds like anger problems. In our deen we have many ways to control anger, 'audhubillah, wudu, but I've been told a great cooling agent in our deen is the darood/salawat. Read it as much as you can, especially when angry.

    Ask your mother for forgiveness because at the end it's your soul. It doesn't matter how she makes you feel or treat you after because Allah has ordained great respect and honor for the parents. Also it sounds like your mother does support you...your husband is living in her house with his wife is a big sign. Maybe, and i do not know her, she isn't the one to say good job, but will show her love and support by doing big things such as taking your husband and you into your home. Look for positives don't horn in on the negatives.

    Good luck.

  3. OP: My mother has never supported me all my life. She constantly tells me she wishes I was never born and that I'm not one of her children........... Today, I was cleaning the kitchen and my brother messed it up. I got angry and screamed at my brother, who is one year younger than me.......... Then, I complained to my mother and of course she took my brother's side...........Out of anger, I cursed my mother calling her the f word and b word and that I wished someone would kill her.

    You could have talked to your brother calmly about the mess he created.

    You chose to get angry and complained to your mom who wishes you were never born. You should have respected what ever your mother said. Who else in your family uses f and b words?

    Anger can make your problem worse.

    Your mother might have said "I wish you were never born" out of anger also. Does your mother take care of you when you are sick or in trouble? Can you make a list of things your mother does for you or have done in the past?

    You are a family, you can be nice to each other and make living arrangement good or fight with each and make each other's life hell.

  4. You are right. She is letting us stay in her house. I should be grateful for that, instead of throwing us out into the street. I have apologized to my mother, but I'm always afraid she will start changing and hospitalizing me, which is what she has been doing, but it's no excuse. I will ask for forgiveness and try to control my temper. When provoked by someone, I should learn to not get angry. It seems like it's very hard for me to control my anger when I feel I am being mistreated.

    I do many good deeds for my mother, but then they are cancelled out because of my anger. I wish I could control it, but I just don't know how. It's very hard for me. You are also right that I should have nicely told my brother, but even when I was nice to him, he would always never flush the toilet and leave his feces in there which is so disgusting. I tried to nicely tell him, but he wouldn't stop, so then I blew up into anger. When I got angry, he started flushing the toilet and not messing the kitchen. It seems he doesn't understand when I try to nicely tell him.

    I hate being angry, but sometimes it seems my family tries so hard to bring the evil out of me. I strive to be like Prophet Muhammad s.a.w., but it it so hard for me. I am not perfect, nor am I a prophet. Prophet Muhammad pbuh was chosen to be an example for the people. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I could be like him. I try my best, but I fail.

    I need help with my anger. I don't know what to do. Will Allah forgive me if I sincerely repent and try not to do it again? I have apologized to my mother already. It's just hard when she doesn't take my side when my husband is being difficult and doesn't want to act responsible. I wish she would say something to him, but you're right, it's not her responsibility to do that.

    Thanks for the advice. Hope to get some further feedback.

    • Hey idk if you read above or not but if you read lots of darood (allahuma sali'ala.....etc ) then your heart will cool down. Just try it especially when angry.

    • islamicgirl28: I hate being angry, but sometimes it seems my family tries so hard to bring the evil out of me.

      Becoming angry when other wants you to become angry means, YOU ARE LETTING THEM WIN. If some one tries that on me, I will smile at them and fail their plan

      islamicgirl28: I was nice to him, he would always never flush the toilet and leave his feces in there which is so disgusting. I tried to nicely tell him, but he wouldn't stop, so then I blew up into anger. When I got angry, he started flushing the toilet and not messing the kitchen. It seems he doesn't understand when I try to nicely tell him.

      Your brother may be absent minded / not doing the right thing because of some emotional problem(s). I don't think anger will make him a perfect guy.

      It is better to call him and make him do the stuff he should have done, like flushing the toilet. I don't think your brother leaves the toilet un-flushed on purpose to upset other family members.

      It is nice to know both you and your mom do good deeds for each other. So one or two bad deeds should not make us forget all the good deeds and get angry/fight. Like in this case I would have thought my mom does so much for me, I should not get angry for her siding with my brother and sister

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    All well and good for the advice given to work on controlling anger. I'm sure we all have times where we need to remember those things, and work toward emotional management.

    But in my view, the sister is not the only one at fault here. When a mother says things to her own child such as "I wish you were never born" and "you are not one of my children", among other put downs, this leaves huge scars. No one should be expected to hear those kinds of things frequently and remain emotionally neutral. Those are huge hurts, and often in situation where someone is continually hurting us we learn to try to "hurt back" so the pain is not so great. I think this mother has a responsibility to treat her children with love and care as is their right even when SHE is upset, as well.

    Sister, it seems to me that the dynamic between you and your mom is one in which you are both contributing. She is saying things to tear up your heart, and you are retaliating so you don't feel as much the victim. It's going to be a continual vicious cycle unless some drastic changes are made. Your mother may or may not change the way she speaks to you, and while you can change the way you deal with her, the feelings you get when she lashes out at you will remain so long as you are around her day in and day out.

    I agree the best thing for you at this point is to work on getting some distance between you. It's vital that you and your husband work on getting your own place. If you can manage that, you can start to get some of the bad feelings inside cleared and have better patience for the times you do see your mother.

    You only briefly said your husband is not really working with you toward that type of independence. I think that is going to be the pivotal thing in this situation. You will have to start focusing more efforts on that aspect of your life with him, as it will be the ultimate thing to help bring some ease here. If you need to see a marital counselor to help with that, then do so. But if things remain the same as far as everyone sharing a household, chances are the exchanges won't improve much either, and can even build the resentments to higher levels that will only end up damaging everyone.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Yes, it is hard when my mother is saying to me that I'm not one of her children. I agree with sister Amy.

      Moving out would be the answer. I just got a part time job and was approved for the final step of my affordable housing application. My husband is very difficult. He wants me to do everything for him. I have thought about leaving him many times, but I worry about who will want me when I have a disability and can't bear children. So I stay with him. I feel like I have no choice. Plus, I keep praying that he will change.

      • Dear Sister, you've written on this forum several times now and while I haven't read all of your posts, it seems that all your problems are caused by the same thing: your anxiety and depression as a result of your disability and living situation. In another post I and others advised you to seek psychological help for that. I wonder if you took our advice? The thing is sister, your anxiety is preventing you from taking steps to change your situation, whether it's with your mother or your husband or your work, the anxiety makes you believe that you can't change anything, that there are more risks than rewards to taking serious steps in your life, and this keeps you stuck where you are. Therapy will help you address the root causes of your anxiety and give you the confidence to take control of your life. Without it very little will change for you and you will continue to feel overwhelmed by the problems you face. The most we can do for you on this forum is offer your some words of encouragement and offer you advice about specific situations, but your overall situation will never change unless you address the causes of anxiety and depression, and you will keep coming back here again and again. Only with professional help will you be able to address the relationships that are causing you so much distress and have the confidence to pursue a career and a life despite your disability. Good luck.

  6. Yes, NE. My problem is definitely my anxiety and depression. I am currently under the care of a therapist and doctor to address these issues. I hope I can move forward in my life and stop letting anxiety stop me from being all that I can be. I am now working in the schools as a teacher's aide, but I want to do more than that. I hope to either become a speech therapist or occupational therapist. If I can overcome my fear of public speaking, I hope I will be able to pursue these careers. I know if I became either of these, I would be completely self sufficient and independent. I only fear losing my health benefits on disability, but maybe Allah will bless me with jobs that give excellent health benefits.I also worry that I will be working until after retirement since a lot of people are in that situation. That's why I'm afraid to move forward.

    I'm working out these problems with the therapist and doctor, and with Allah's help, inshallah, I will be the best person I can be and live the life I've always wanted.

    • Mashallah that is great to hear! Keep at it and Inshallah you'll become independent and Allah will bless you with work and with confidence and a positive outlook on life.

  7. So, I'm back again. Again, I have sinned. My family puts me down a lot and I am very sensitive to it. My husband is angry with me because he bought me a nice sari and I wasn't able to visit anyone's house for Eid because they are very negative with me and I prefer not to be with them. Since my husband has no family in NJ, he was very upset with me that we weren't able to go anywhere. I had such a beautiful sari, but I couldn't wear it to anyone's house because it's too much for my brain to take their put downs.

    Now, as for the sinning, I yelled at my mother and said that she doesn't give me any emotional support and I said her fasts during Ramadan and her Eid and prayers don't count, because she doesn't support me with my husband. I know maybe my husband is right that I should have gone to my older sister's house for Eid since the whole family went, but they treat me so badly there, and I am a sensitive person, so I ended up not going. I also yelled at my mother saying she is a bad mother and only supports other people's kids. My mother responded that she is not responsible for me or my life now that I am 33 and way past the age of 18 (grown adult), and I know the difference between right and wrong. She doesn't need to support me any more. I guess she's right. I have to support my own life. Yes, she has given me shelter and food, but emotionally, she doesn't have to support me there because I'm not a kid any more.

    How can I repent for my wickedness? Again, if I apologize or talk to my mother, she will take it as a weakness, and continue treating me badly. She doesn't do that to my cousins or my older sister or any of my other siblings. She always says I'm not one of her children. I know I should just control myself and continue being respectful, but it hurts. I get angry. I can't help it. I am only human. I wish I could be like Prophet Muhammad s.a.w., but I'm not.

    • islamicgirl28: My family puts me down a lot and I am very sensitive to it. .............How can I repent for my wickedness? Again, if I apologize or talk to my mother, she will take it as a weakness, and continue treating me badly.

      Insecure people put others down to feel good about themselves. Apologizing will help you feel better.

  8. I have severed ties with my family because they don't treat me good. I know in Islam it may be considered wrong, but if it is affecting my mental health, why should I be with them? I am only protecting myself because my husband doesn't say anything to them when they are behaving badly with me. He lets them treat me that way and then it affects my brain. I wish he would stand up for me, but he refuses to do so. I guess I can't change anything.

    Maybe I should just go and endure their insults and ill treatment? If I do go, I will not be able to take it. Then, every Eid, I will have nowhere to go............what should I do?

  9. I've been reading your posts. You sound like a very strong person. Especially to endure all the negative words your mother says. I think the anxiety you have is preventing you from seeking a better life. I recommend reading about methods to deal with emotional abuse. There are several books and online sites that describe ways to deal with a verbally abusive mother. I believe everything will turn out good in the end for you. Many people have endured terrible days with their parents. When you move out it will give you time to heal. And you need to try to make friends who are not your family members. That helps as well.

    • Thank you so much Tia, but I'm not entirely innocent. I cursed my mother and that is a sin in Islam. I do it again and again. What can I do to rectify this? I just get so mad at how she treats me.

  10. asc i have a question abaut curse we had agurment with old woman as we had conversation abaut something so one was proposing and other opposing abaut the argument so she said if what your saying is not true may this and this happen to you so i dont if she was serious or just joking although we were talking abaut something serious but when she told me that curse i replayed to her also the same curse please answer inshaAllah

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