Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve found out my mom is having an affair – what should I do?

Consequences of adultery

The consequences of infidelity and adultery

Assalam alikom

I am 15 year old girl I am belong to a religious family. I really love my parents and my sweet home.but now this situation making me mad I never think about It even in my dreams.

It's about my mom she always guide me about Islam and what is my limits. My mom is 33 year old my parents has a happy 19 years of marriage.My dad really belive her and it's look like they really love each other. My dad heart is like small kid so honest and innocent.my mom's dad sometime needs money my dad always give them he really respect them. My mom's brother/bilal need a money for studies he wants to go to out of country for studies.  My dad gave him money but after 6 year when he settled in other city my dad ask him for money (to  give his money back) but he didn't. Bilal talk with my  dad very rudely and he made a miss understand in between my dad and his cousin they were very close my dad work for them about 10 years without money just for relation and now there relation is no moore they  just used my dad. He is very sad for all this and he still wants a relation with his cousin I describe you how he been treated with them.

Just for us and my mom because we love our grands he tolerate everything and you know what he get.

One day my mom forgot to log out her Facebook ID and I saw some messages I didn't know it that it was my mom id I just start reading it when I saw a names written I got shocked the man was  saying I love you I thought it cannot happened with my dad

When I asked her she said it's your mis-understanding my friend is using my id it's not me and I belive her just because I knew my mom can't do this she teaches me what is Islam and what is woman for and what is namohram/unrelated man. How can she do that I believed her.

But  after 6 months  when I was about to go to school just to know what time is it I looked at her mobile  In the same time a message came it "I love  you my love" from same man

You have no idea how it felt the day I knew my mom is cheating on my dad...

I don't know what to do now if  I tell to my dad then he  will definitely get angry and he will right away give her  divorce. After that our life will spoil

I have 1 brother 18 year old 1 sister 9 year old she can't live without mom for a day and if they get divorce what will she do she is just 9 she needs a  mom

If I tell this to my brother he will kill himself or my mom's boyfriend

About me if my relative know they will said many things they will compare me to my mom. My voice my face are very similar to my mom everyone will hate me I will have no future

My dad heart will break if I tell him this he won't believe anyone even me he will get mad

My mom I am sure the man is just enjoying her he has his own family kids and wife he is my mom cousin and I can remember something s which shows this relationship is since 4 or 5 years ago I can't let her cheat my dad but I can't live without her

Please I request as quick as you can give me reply what to do my mom don't know that I know all of this

My English is not very good if there is something wrong please  forgive me

Fiza

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47 Responses »

  1. assalamoalaikum sister , You need to straight away talk to your mom and show those proofs .If you still get the same behaviour talk to your mom's father (your grand father). Keep an eye on her and be straight forward ..no one dies in the world due to divorce but you should not tolerate this bad stuff in your family and openly oppose it ...

    • Assalamu alaykum. Sister don't let ur dad knows about this at All, All u need to do is talk to your mum that u know what she is doing and advice her that what She is doing right now, if she die on this process there is nothing that will stop her from entering hell fire in yaumal kiyama I'm sure she'll change

  2. I think you should confront your mother and be quite stern when you do so she knows you don't buy in to her bad excuses and lies about her affair. Don't be rude and disrespectful, but I think it's necessary to interrogate her properly and get her to be very detailed about the lies she tells. Ask her for names of people who supposedly use her Facebook and phone, ask for their addresses, their phone numbers, their Facebook links...anything. If she's being honest, she'll be able to provide you with some kind of detail that will prove your suspicion wrong.

    Tell her exactly what you know. Make sure your mother experiences that her answers are going to be checked and verified or falsified. That might finally make her feel cornered enough to be honest and admit her wrongdoings.

    I agree, do not tell your father at this point. Not for your mother's sake, but for his sake. I understand something like this will break his heart. I do, however, think you should tell your father about your mother's doings if she blatantly rejects proofs that have been presented to her and if she shows no sign of remorse, only eager to cover up her sinful actions.

    Bottom line is, I don't think you should just sit back and do nothing. I know you are only 15, but inshallah you will be strong enough to help your mother and stop her from destroying more of her life, and her family's life, than she already has.

  3. What a difficult situation for you to be in! I agree confront your mum calmly and present her with proof as appropriate. Tell her you have read her conversations. Before you confront her note down the numbers of the person she is recieving the messages from. If you can take a picture of he messages with the number and save them. Collect your evidence quietly before you approach her so that she has no way out. Until then stay calm and quiet, you need to be clever not emotional for this to work.

    Once you have enough evidence confront her, tell her you have the numbers and messages saved, so that if she tries to deny it you can present the evidence to her and can call the person she is having an affair with. If she admits to it then tell her to stop or else you will tell your father and present the proof. Also tell her to change her number.

    Hopefully this will do the trick and she will come to her senses. If she doesn't then it's best to seek the help of a trusted elder ideally your mothers parents - again make sure you have evidence ready to show them.

    Really sorry your in such a predicament, may Allah make it easy for you.

  4. Have your patience. Just go to your mom and express your feelings to her. Ask her what is the actual thing!! Try to talk emotionally with her. Make her belief that no matter what happens you are with her. Whatever she says after that should be the truth. But is she says no she does not have an affair and you are not satisfied with her answer then threaten her that you will tell your dad and stuffs. After that no matter what happens she will definitely say the truth 🙂 . If she says she has an affair then again try to emotionally say to her the things that is wrong in that. The teaching she gave you for Islam , remind her those words. Explain it to her the amount of lives that will get ruined if she does something like this. Say to her how much sad you are. Say her that how much your dad loves her. If she does such things she will lose so many loved ones. After saying these I hope and believe that she will understand your words and feelings. May Allah guide her in the right way. And yes before you do this just pray for namaz and ask Allah to show you a way. He will definitely help you. 🙂 I hope this will help you.

  5. Hii, I went through the exact same situation. I was 14 when i realized something was wrong im 16 now. You need to PLEASE first collect a lot of proof thats very important. Leave your mobile with the recorder on in her room when shes talking to this guy. This feeling is horrible I know it feels as if you're dying inside. Please dont let it get to you. Stay calm talk to your brother about it and ask for his help to first find out exactly what is happening. ( ask for his help if he won't go tell your mom) and when you do actually confront her make it clear VERY CLEAR that it is not okay and that shes beong selfish. You can also talk to her boyfriend directly ( I wish I had) you should know that your families happiness is in your hands you can either fix it or ruin everything. ( do not act like a baby) I regret not being stern. Make sure that it stops even if she says its true love.

    My mom used to love her kids more than anything now when I say I would leave her if she does through with this affair she says she doesnt care. She does everything openly now. All she can do is think about is that man. My relationship with my mom is now ruined. Please stay smart. Im almost your age email me I promise I'll help.

    • Im 14 I need help, I have the same situation

    • Salam armana, my name is mubashra and I'm 26 . Married with one beautiful daughter and expecting boy this time. I'm going through the same situation and my mother refuses to come forms delivery just because of her affair. I'm very heart broken and stressful. Any suggestions?

    • I m 17 girl also in the same situation...I've talk to my mom to stop... but still she does openly everything... as well she love me but still she doesn't stop all these... I've been suffering since my age 10...even my father knows abt all these and still she is cheating on him... If I say something to her she says u r not my mother to explain or to command me... I feel so heart broken 7 yrs past ...I have my mom even her love...but I still miss my mom as I've suffered alot these years..

      • Hey! I am in the same situation.
        Can you please help me how to survive this situation
        I really need your help!

    • i need your help if you can help me ??? dealing with worst situation here i thought im on;y the one

  6. And wael when will my post get posted?
    How long will it take?

    • I'm 17yrs for a year it was irritating me that what's
      Going on with mom and she chats to like alot of men on WhatsApp perhaps she is beautiful and looks younger than her age but she is 40 and have 6 kids you should be ashamed of what she's doing and she talks to a guy she love him and she sends her pictures to him everytime I'm so irritated. Idk what to do.

  7. Armana: She does everything openly now. All she can do is think about is that man. My relationship with my mom is now ruined.

    Where is your dad? Does he know about this affair too?

  8. OP: My mom is 33 year old my parents has a happy 19 years of marriage

    I can see only troubles in your family if you try to expose your mom's affair. There is no proof.
    If you think your brother will kill himself or your mom's friend, it is not worth to talk about it.

  9. My dad knows about the affair now but he loves the man who shes having an affair with a lot. Plus hes scared that mom will take a divorce from dad if he says anything so hes not really in a position to say anything anymore. As he loves her a lot.

    And fiza I thought my dad didnt know but he did already know everything as parents are older and smarter than us.

    • I m 17 girl also in the same situation…I’ve talk to my mom to stop… but still she does openly everything… as well she love me but still she doesn’t stop all these… I’ve been suffering since my age 10…even my father knows abt all these and still she is cheating on him… If I say something to her she says u r not my mother to explain or to command me… I feel so heart broken 7 yrs past …I have my mom even her love…but I still miss my mom as I’ve suffered alot these years......although my father knows about this...she still keep on doing these stuff me nd my 2 younger brothers areally very sad about this... I always pray to lord nd always hope for a miracle but since 7 yrs nothing has changed..its getting all worse

      • Rameeza: I m 17 girl also in the same situation…I’ve talk to my mom to stop… but still she does openly everything… as well she love me but still she doesn’t stop all these… I’ve been suffering since my age 10…even my father knows abt all these and still she is cheating on him…

        May be your father no longer enjoys intimacy with your mother and has told your mom to get it from others.
        What is it your mother doing that bothers you?
        Since your dad knows everything, you should not bother about it. You should focus on your education and your life.

  10. armana: My dad knows about the affair now but he loves the man who shes having an affair with a lot. Plus hes scared that mom will take a divorce from dad if he says anything so hes not really in a position to say anything anymore. As he loves her a lot.

    I think you should not waste your time thinking about this situation. Looks like 3 adults are involved in consensual activity. Talking about it will create problems for you only. Don't be alone with your dad or the other guy. Focus on your studies.

    • If it is Haraam then she needs to oppose it even if it is consensual . Get courage and oppose it openly .Learn about Islam and get power and courage from islamic teaching .Tell your parents it is not acceptable .

  11. I've tried everything I am kind of in the middle of it. Have been for the past 2 years. I don't have a choice I can't let any of the 3 adults hurt eachother in any possible way mom and uncle currently have dads business as they are partners they are in a position to take away everything from dad so I have to stay in the middle of it so I know what the truth is. Plus when my siblings grow up I will have to let them know what exactly happened they will asm me.

    • armana: I don't have a choice I can't let any of the 3 adults hurt eachother in any possible way mom and uncle currently have dads business as they are partners they are in a position to take away everything

      What kind of proof you have? What is the age difference between your mom and your uncle?

  12. Logical do you know how I can take a stand ans stop this nonsense?
    -armana

    • You can take a stand .you need to be open .its worth if all get hurt and your dad looses business .Having adulterous mother is bad influence to all of you .You need to bring it to notice of your grand parents if this doesn't work ...also talk to your father now as your mom is not changing her habits.

  13. I've tried everything I am kind of in the middle of it. Have been for the past 2 years. I don't have a choice I can't let any of the 3 adults hurt each other in any possible way mom and uncle currently have dads business as they are partners they are in a position to take away everything from dad so I have to stay in the middle of it so I know what the truth is. Plus when my siblings grow up I will have to let them know what exactly happened they will asm me.

  14. Shes isn't physical its a very strong emotional affair. Everyone knows now. Please help me fix this. What do I tell her so she stops. Shes never there for me never! I gave her my dairy so she understands how much I've gone through because of all this but she doesnt understand and just blamed.
    Maybe she hates me now. Each day is living hell for me.

    • Armana: Maybe she hates me now. Each day is living hell for me.

      You should focus on your studies and your own life.
      Your can't stop your mum and you uncle from being friends. You can't watch over them for 24 hours. May be your dad wants your mom to be happy and approves her closeness with other men.

  15. Svs umm hes 2 years older than her. They talk for hours every night. My uncle doesn't have any kids so he loves me a lot too.

  16. Firstly, Sister you should talk to your mum. Seriously, tell her you know what is going on and if she doesn't stop you will tell your dad and the other people. And remind her to fear Allah and the day she will stand in front of him. Also remind her of how this could break up the family if your dad finds out about it. May Allah grant you ease.

  17. Salams sweety

    Make dua for the situation ur in
    Tell ur mum how Allah swt is displeased with her
    Actions, and how they will wreck the family
    Remind her of allahs swt, and that u luv her

  18. I have a problem to. My mom is having an affair on my dad. By the way im 9. Anyways,the person she is having an affair on is this lady named Tanya. She's a lesbian. l I HATE her

    • Tamoia, are you sure your mom is having an affair? Maybe the lady Tanya is only her friend. You should talk to her about it and find out the truth before you jump to conclusions.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Tamoia Cameron: I have a problem to. My mom is having an affair on my dad. By the way im 9. Anyways,the person she is having an affair on is this lady named Tanya. She's a lesbian. l I HATE her

      How do you know Tanya is a lesbian? What makes you think your mom and Tanya are lovers?

  19. I just figured out there just friends. I
    didn't know. U was just a little concerned. Thanks.☺

  20. Sister i was also

    suffering from. This sadness

  21. I am too suffering from this,but it's to horrible to handle.she takes Quran class and teaches me to how to talk behave etc.i was the one who love her a lot till I was 13.now I am 15.i have too brothers.i can't hide this anymore.i feel to ask but it will destroy my future.my father is so innocent and kind I don't know how can she cheat up on him,he is on abroad.me and mom is together.brothers are in hostels.first time when I get the phone I see many messages from a guy,who I knows.i felt very sad.i was out of control.then always I get a chance a check her phone.one day I found her pin.and whenever she went out ir for bath I will check but it least to 3/5 days..she changed she started to change the name of man.first time when she changed the name the pic of that man was same.i write his phone nmbr,later he changed DP.like so many situations I face coz of her.i saw she uses to Call him,vedio chat..etc...it keep going on...we always debate...my moms pic was iPhone so some of the settings she don't know..one ni8 I ask phone and she gave me and she goes on sleep..at that awkward moment I saw many pics of my mom and that..**** together,.which a daughter should never see.when I notify her dress,that day she say to me that she is going to meet her friend,i fool belived that..at that I feel to kill me to born in her stomach.after that I was mad.a fool.i started to fed up with every thing... everything went out of my control.i stop to pray read Quran study,my hobbies everything...I travel to wrong path.on mind it was if she can do this much means why can't I...I started to write many quotes stories etc.i make my diary my best friend.everyone in the society cheated me.i was mad....I feel like I am unwanted jn thus world..after that every small incidents feel me like world war.i feel loving a boy cheating my mom how he done to me..till that time I didn't accept any proposal but later.....one day I try to end....if any one interested I will continue..becoz it's so unwanted.....everyone.....

    • Asma ,get access to her mobile and forward those messages to your father .From here let him handle this .you will go mad if you are handling it alone .

      • It will affect my future if they led to a divorce.i am damn sure if he and his relatives came know about this affair means they will see me in moms eyes....I don't want it...moreover her phone is always locked nowadays I can't even find the pin...I am too sad..I only wish to be independent,if ivp was having a good friend means it's ohkk...but in this situation I am thinking that what a..***** lyf it is...I am afraid,CoZ I am nt behaving to others lyk hw I was earlier.my dad is do innocent,how can I led him manage all this...some times I feel to ask her about it,but me and mom is alone..if she do something means...

        • It wont effect you much .you are too young.If you keep quiet you will get depressed and will be in worst situation.so telling your dad is better than to handle by yourself .Dont think about too far future ,you just need to solve current stuff .tell your dad that's the best solution ..

          • But....it's all about a God idea...he is in abroad...how should I start,if I say him about this he will call mom and surely she will react...anyway I decide to stop this as soon possible...but I am not sure that I can say this to him...am afraid..is their anyother way..?

          • Asma ,

            If you don't want to come open then collect some information about him ,your mom and other details .Create new email ID with some anonymous name and send a mail to your dad with your findings and tell clear about your mom's affair .

            I feel whole environment is dirty around you as your mom is involved in dirty and haraam stuff .Its your job to clean it up or put at least little effort . Don't be afraid as you are not doing any thing wrong . Don't be silent

  22. Ohh....I am gonna try it...tankuu..I will C and say...

  23. Hi I do have a similar situation. Can you offer me some advice?

  24. Assalam o Alaikum sister, My advice, TELL YOUR DAD ASAP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE,

    I have suffered same situation and i regret now why didnt i told about it to my father, but he passed away,

    you have a chance sister, dont be quit be brave and tell your did before its too late,

    ( i also known one woman having extramarital affair and got pregnant and deliver a baby, who looks like exactly the person who she had affair with)

  25. Mere sath v aisa hi hua hai.bohot hi pareshani se guzar rhi hu..pls hlp me smbdy.advised me...what should i do..

  26. I'm 17yrs for a year it was irritating me that what's
    Going on with mom and she chats to like alot of men on WhatsApp perhaps she is beautiful and looks younger than her age but she is 40 and have 6 kids you should be ashamed of what she's doing and she talks to a guy she love him and she sends her pictures to him everytime I'm so irritated. Idk what to do.

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