Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve lost my virginity to my step brother

girl innocent

I was 17 when he asked  me to do oral because we shared mutual interest in sex as we both openly communicated we watched porn. After this I was extremely depressed and didn't know of any way to get relief so  I came to my school counsellor because he didn't leave me alone, and I didn't have the strength to say no. The school councilor ended up calling child services because she assumed he was my real brother. My family had found out and I've been embarrassed since despite this they are under the impression it has ceased, but it only got worse.

It been a little over a year now. My step brother continued to get me to do more. And because I was beginning to feel emotionally attached it got harder to refrain.

It wasn't until I lost my virginity at 18 that this depression got worse, I have been having thoughts of killing myself. Chastity has become an obsession of mine and I feel that it embodies the perfect woman and now that it's gone I feel as though I'll never be good for anyone.

I have told him we needed to stop and he always say he will until he comes sneaking into my room and has sex with me again. After a while I actually began to enjoy it. And decided no matter how much I say we should stop he is going to continue, so he is under the impression that I want to continue because now I don't try to stop him.

This is my last year in high school and I'm trying to get a dorm but I don't know if we have money for that. I have 12 siblings and we're poor. We do not have money for my brother or I to move somewhere else.

Yesterday my father was getting suspicions and talked to my step brother and asked him if we are doing anything and told my brother  our family could separate. My brother said no of course. We then agreed we cannot have sex anymore. I feel like this time it's going to work. I have never seen my father this happy, and I love my step family. I wish I could have just said no then. And now I'm a big mess.

I feel that because I lost my virginity it is of course looked down upon by Muslims. I'm often told women who lose their virginity before marriage aren't good women to marry. And I believe in Allah, I fear Allah so I always try to ask for forgiveness and plead with him to release me from this trial.

I just don't know who will marry me now that I am used up. No man wants that. I'm a disgusting girl. I'm absolutely appalled by my character. I don't know what to do. And my brother isn't a bad person, it's more my fault for not being stern and really telling him no, because he is a boy and I know they have more sexual drive than I do.

Is this a good reason not to tell my family the truth, because it will do more harm than good to my family?

What does Allah say about women who lose their virginity?

Will a man still marry me, do I have to tell him who I lost my virginity to?

What do I do?

Please be kind in the answers. I feel disgusted with myself, please don't be mean.

Mary_H

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

9 Responses »

  1. salam. What has happened.Now you must move on .Your young and people all make mistakes.Nobodys perfect.The perfect person and role model is prophet .Muhammad!!!!!So learn his ways and apply method.Next Never talk about pass it becomes a sin.Life moves on and we all live with secrets.Allah is always forgiving so make a new start!!!for marriage tooi young yet learn about life and build on your faith.Build on your career and be independant

  2. Salam you are not disgusting just ask forgiveness and move on .I think you should not tell your family because this will hurt them and perhaps lead to your family separating As for what happened both are to blame not just you do please do not think this is all your own fault .I am sure you will find a good life partner in time and would say that unfortunately in this day and age men are not pure I am not saying that women should not protect themselves because they should but don't ever think that men are pure because the vast majority are not .Its a case of double standards they expect their wives to be pure but they are not However our religion states that we should refrain so from now on please stay on the straight and narrow you have no need to be depressed pray and go to your doctor to see if you can go for counselling and perhaps takes some anti depressants for a while .I am sure things will be better when you talk to someone who is neutral about it All the best. Allah hafiz

  3. Asalaam Walaikum.

    Everyone makes mistakes some worse than others, some hidden and some public. As Muslims are told to Repent sincerely and move on.

    I can guarantee that if we knew the sins and secrets of others we would be suprised and would probably not want to even be near them. Everyone sins but its about how we learn from the sin and move on. Alhamdulillah i seems like you love Allah ... Just carry on doing good actions and forget the past completely.

    If you truly mean it, Allah will make you proud of what you will achieve and when you look back I promise you , you will see how the sin made you into a better person by always detesting where you once were and to never err again.

    Dont dwell on the past ... Make sinscere Du'a and start becoming a prime example of a Muslimah in public and behind closed doors ... May Allah make it easy on you and guide the whole Ummah - Ameen!

  4. Assalamualaikum sister , one who has created us knows us more better than ourslfs so move on and there is always lesson learn t , Allah is most forgiving keep calm and start a new life ...........forget and forgive past but never forget lessons it taught you .

    jazakallahukhair

  5. OP: I was 17 when he asked me to do oral because we shared mutual interest in sex as we both openly communicated we watched porn. After this I was extremely depressed and didn't know of any way to get relief so I came to my school counselor because he didn't leave me alone, and I didn't have the strength to say no. The school councilor ended up calling child services because she assumed he was my real brother.......It been a little over a year now. My step brother continued to get me to do more. And because I was beginning to feel emotionally attached it got harder to refrain.....I feel that because I lost my virginity it is of course looked down upon by Muslims......I just don't know who will marry me now that I am used up. No man wants that. I'm a disgusting girl. I'm absolutely appalled by my character

    You are confused. Seems like you are consenting to what ever you are doing with your step brother. You also complained to your school counselor. You find it hard to not do it.

    You need to tell your brother "no" and warn him you will tell your parents. You are scared you will be looked down because you are not a virgin If you are scared to death, you should look how to pretend you are a virgin. Only yesterday I saw a minor surgery done the week of marriage that makes you a pseudo virgin.
    Most young people are doing sexual stuff now a days but they try to keep the hymen intact. I have added this information so you don't depress yourself death.

    Lately I have read reports about incest in some countries where joint families with kids live together, where they don't even have enough rooms and/or beds, 2 young people in bed is considered normal.

  6. Salam Alekom,

    I am a silent reader of this website. Mashallah, this has been a good source of guidance and awareness on our religion islam and also to find solutions or advices to our problems,

    However, I have noticed most of the time people doing grave sins and then asking others not to be harsh and rude in giving their advice. and people advise them "past is past, forget it and move on". I feel this sympathy will not make the questioner realize how grave is the sin he / she did. Rather, I feel the commenters should make them feel how big sin it is and advice them harshly to be away from it.

    I found some commenters so intellectual and so high in wisdom and Islamic knowledge one such example is brother "WAEL"

  7. S.a

    Let me tell you what most scholars i heard from said, because who said you could lie or hide the fact you are a non virgin? You can't lie, as lying is one of the great sins aswell and once you lie to your future spouse that lie will grow and destroy your marriage, because you started a halal marriage based on lies which are haram - we see this everyday, so there must be something wrong with all that "NEVER DISCLOSE ANYTHING" because it's only part of the truth and we have to look at from different perspectives as well to get the full view.

    Our prophet (s.a.v) encouraged young men to marry virgins, and to first go and see whom they wanted to marry - to look them in the eyes. So if one should stay silent about not being a virgin, how can you know? Is there a contradiction somewhere? Of course not. In Islam there are no mistakes. We all know the things to look for in a spouse. First the four values you normally go for: Deen, Lineage, Beauty or Wealth, and our Prophet (s.a.v) said prioritize Deen as Beauty and Wealth will be lost in time.

    But there are also personal preferences or requirements one can set or look for and that is totally permissible, as long as it does not transgress the boundaries of our belief. And one great value especially for women is haya - modesty, chastity, purity, virginity, call it however you want, but it is all part of haya actually.

    "A woman who uncovered her beauty in front of someone that was not her husband, has ripped the curtain between herself and Allah" - means she lost her haya and modesty. We will be forgiven for our sins if we repent, but the damange we dealt to ourselves will not just vanish. Best example for this are STD's, they are incurable. Or the psychological issues and problems will not vanish either. Even if your spouse should know your past mistakes and accept you, you will feel guilt just by looking them in the eyes.

    WHAT IS A SIN FOR A WOMAN IS ALSO A SIN FOR THE MAN - man have haya also, unless they did the same shameful things and lost theirs.

    What's lost will not return, your virginity will not return. But you as a whole are lost and you can always return to your creator as long as you repent. You can only repent and THEN try to live the way you should have lived from the very beginning, basically "looking" like a "modest" person, and keep being chaste after you have repent.

    And as virginity/chastity is a great value to look for, if a prospective spouse - man or woman - asks you about that, you can't lie AS THAT IS DECEIT :

    "Those who deceive are not from us"

    - because those who call themselves muslims and deceive other muslims are called munafiq. And we all know by looking like them or imitating the kuffar we become one of them right? Let's not deceive people for our own benefits, as it is mostly the case nowadays. Others also have dreams, preferences, requirements.

    How can people for their own sakes just go ahead with something so heavy and full or responsibilities like marriage only thinking about themselves but ignoring the wishes of others? by deceiving a person and end up breaking that persons heart, destroying the marriage, making (if they have) their children live a miserable life after. Do you really think something like this would be permissible? Of course not, Allah will forgive all sins if you repent, but he will let you pay for all the rights you took from other people, and you will have to seek the forgiveness of those people in dunya, because if they do not forgive you, your judgement in the hereafter will be hard and your good deeds will be given to them until you paid off the damage you had done. What if no good deeds remain for you to outweight your sins? That would mean cahannam (may Allah protect us from the Hellfire). And breaking a persons heart is like destroying the Ka'ba.

    So how to go about this? Don't disclose your sins! We have to take this into account.
    But that won't limit us from looking for a spouse.
    You can talk about your past all you want, as long as you don't bring up any sins.

    --- Saying i'm not a virgin is not automatically disclosing a sin, but it leads to three possibilities ---.

    1. It could mean you have been married before,
    2. It could mean you have been raped,
    3. It could mean you have committed zina.

    But you don't talk about this, you just say yes or no to the question of being a virgin or not. Let the other person think for themselves if virginity is more important to them than you and and your character as you are now.
    What you can also do is ask a counter question like, "is virginity a requirement for you?" If stated yes, you have to decline the proposal.

    Don't answer anything related to a sin, i.e. if he asks "did you have any relationships before". In this case you have to immediately reject the proposal offer if you are a non virgin because of zina. But if you were married you can say yes. Rejecting someone goes with an excuse like "i don't think we are suitable for each other".

    Also since virginity is a physical loss you can't cover it anyways. Even virginity reconstructions - which are totally haram - are easily recognized by gynos, and the very intention of those surgeries is deceit, so stay away from that. It includes many more sins which might by far outweight the zina if you decide to have it restored.

    Repent and live your life trying to get as many good deeds as possible and be truthful, as we are commanded to be truthful.

    • Concealing one's sins is the advice given by the Prophet (sws) himself. In fact it is a duty in Islam not to reveal your sins when Allah has done you the favor of concealing them. However as you said, it is also not permitted to lie. A Muslim must find the middle ground. See my article, Disclosing Sins.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Leave a Response