Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve lost my virginity to my step brother

girl innocent

I was 17 when he asked  me to do oral because we shared mutual interest in sex as we both openly communicated we watched porn. After this I was extremely depressed and didn't know of any way to get relief so  I came to my school counsellor because he didn't leave me alone, and I didn't have the strength to say no. The school councilor ended up calling child services because she assumed he was my real brother. My family had found out and I've been embarrassed since despite this they are under the impression it has ceased, but it only got worse.

It been a little over a year now. My step brother continued to get me to do more. And because I was beginning to feel emotionally attached it got harder to refrain.

It wasn't until I lost my virginity at 18 that this depression got worse, I have been having thoughts of killing myself. Chastity has become an obsession of mine and I feel that it embodies the perfect woman and now that it's gone I feel as though I'll never be good for anyone.

I have told him we needed to stop and he always say he will until he comes sneaking into my room and has sex with me again. After a while I actually began to enjoy it. And decided no matter how much I say we should stop he is going to continue, so he is under the impression that I want to continue because now I don't try to stop him.

This is my last year in high school and I'm trying to get a dorm but I don't know if we have money for that. I have 12 siblings and we're poor. We do not have money for my brother or I to move somewhere else.

Yesterday my father was getting suspicions and talked to my step brother and asked him if we are doing anything and told my brother  our family could separate. My brother said no of course. We then agreed we cannot have sex anymore. I feel like this time it's going to work. I have never seen my father this happy, and I love my step family. I wish I could have just said no then. And now I'm a big mess.

I feel that because I lost my virginity it is of course looked down upon by Muslims. I'm often told women who lose their virginity before marriage aren't good women to marry. And I believe in Allah, I fear Allah so I always try to ask for forgiveness and plead with him to release me from this trial.

I just don't know who will marry me now that I am used up. No man wants that. I'm a disgusting girl. I'm absolutely appalled by my character. I don't know what to do. And my brother isn't a bad person, it's more my fault for not being stern and really telling him no, because he is a boy and I know they have more sexual drive than I do.

Is this a good reason not to tell my family the truth, because it will do more harm than good to my family?

What does Allah say about women who lose their virginity?

Will a man still marry me, do I have to tell him who I lost my virginity to?

What do I do?

Please be kind in the answers. I feel disgusted with myself, please don't be mean.

Mary_H


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7 Responses »

  1. salam. What has happened.Now you must move on .Your young and people all make mistakes.Nobodys perfect.The perfect person and role model is prophet .Muhammad!!!!!So learn his ways and apply method.Next Never talk about pass it becomes a sin.Life moves on and we all live with secrets.Allah is always forgiving so make a new start!!!for marriage tooi young yet learn about life and build on your faith.Build on your career and be independant

  2. Salam you are not disgusting just ask forgiveness and move on .I think you should not tell your family because this will hurt them and perhaps lead to your family separating As for what happened both are to blame not just you do please do not think this is all your own fault .I am sure you will find a good life partner in time and would say that unfortunately in this day and age men are not pure I am not saying that women should not protect themselves because they should but don't ever think that men are pure because the vast majority are not .Its a case of double standards they expect their wives to be pure but they are not However our religion states that we should refrain so from now on please stay on the straight and narrow you have no need to be depressed pray and go to your doctor to see if you can go for counselling and perhaps takes some anti depressants for a while .I am sure things will be better when you talk to someone who is neutral about it All the best. Allah hafiz

  3. Asalaam Walaikum.

    Everyone makes mistakes some worse than others, some hidden and some public. As Muslims are told to Repent sincerely and move on.

    I can guarantee that if we knew the sins and secrets of others we would be suprised and would probably not want to even be near them. Everyone sins but its about how we learn from the sin and move on. Alhamdulillah i seems like you love Allah ... Just carry on doing good actions and forget the past completely.

    If you truly mean it, Allah will make you proud of what you will achieve and when you look back I promise you , you will see how the sin made you into a better person by always detesting where you once were and to never err again.

    Dont dwell on the past ... Make sinscere Du'a and start becoming a prime example of a Muslimah in public and behind closed doors ... May Allah make it easy on you and guide the whole Ummah - Ameen!

  4. Assalamualaikum sister , one who has created us knows us more better than ourslfs so move on and there is always lesson learn t , Allah is most forgiving keep calm and start a new life ...........forget and forgive past but never forget lessons it taught you .

    jazakallahukhair

  5. OP: I was 17 when he asked me to do oral because we shared mutual interest in sex as we both openly communicated we watched porn. After this I was extremely depressed and didn't know of any way to get relief so I came to my school counselor because he didn't leave me alone, and I didn't have the strength to say no. The school councilor ended up calling child services because she assumed he was my real brother.......It been a little over a year now. My step brother continued to get me to do more. And because I was beginning to feel emotionally attached it got harder to refrain.....I feel that because I lost my virginity it is of course looked down upon by Muslims......I just don't know who will marry me now that I am used up. No man wants that. I'm a disgusting girl. I'm absolutely appalled by my character

    You are confused. Seems like you are consenting to what ever you are doing with your step brother. You also complained to your school counselor. You find it hard to not do it.

    You need to tell your brother "no" and warn him you will tell your parents. You are scared you will be looked down because you are not a virgin If you are scared to death, you should look how to pretend you are a virgin. Only yesterday I saw a minor surgery done the week of marriage that makes you a pseudo virgin.
    Most young people are doing sexual stuff now a days but they try to keep the hymen intact. I have added this information so you don't depress yourself death.

    Lately I have read reports about incest in some countries where joint families with kids live together, where they don't even have enough rooms and/or beds, 2 young people in bed is considered normal.

  6. Salam Alekom,

    I am a silent reader of this website. Mashallah, this has been a good source of guidance and awareness on our religion islam and also to find solutions or advices to our problems,

    However, I have noticed most of the time people doing grave sins and then asking others not to be harsh and rude in giving their advice. and people advise them "past is past, forget it and move on". I feel this sympathy will not make the questioner realize how grave is the sin he / she did. Rather, I feel the commenters should make them feel how big sin it is and advice them harshly to be away from it.

    I found some commenters so intellectual and so high in wisdom and Islamic knowledge one such example is brother "WAEL"

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