Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’ve tried, but I don’t love my wife

wife unhappy husband


I'm 29 years old. My marriage was fixed by my parents with one of my cousins. I was engaged for six months. We did not have a happy engagement because I could not treat her properly emotionally. I did not want her, and one month prior to the marriage I told her that I was not happy. I was always thinking or looking for a reason to run away from this relationship so I asked her to cancel the marriage, but unfortunately she did not listen to me because this might have had a bad impact on her parents' image. Moreover, my parents did not agree.

I was been advised that after marriage I would be happy with her and Allah would make things easy between us.  Finally I accepted their decision, offered Istiqara, flew to India and married her leaving everything upon Allah. Now it's been eight months, out of which I spent only two months with her. During those two months I never felt any physical attraction towards her, still we did very boring sex to satisfy our needs. I was also advised once we have a child things will be easier.

After I came back to Saudi Arabia, I never felt like I should call and talk to her. We hardly chat with each other, and sometimes our chat ends up with arguments. I don’t love her, I don’t even like her voice, and when I see other girls I feel like I could have married them instead.

Due to this situation I get so frustrated and depressed, and I feel so sad for both of us. I am trying so hard to have loving life. I have been  praying to Allah and I am still confused what to do.  She knows that I don’t love her, and she is seven months pregnant, but still I don't call and talk to her.

I have checked a few similar posts, and it's strange to see such comments accusing the person themself. I am looking for better suggestions, so consider yourself in my shoes and comment.

Please pray for me, my situation is hard and I hope Insha Allah everything will be fine.

JazakAllah Khair!


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27 Responses »

  1. Omg!
    Another selfish self centered man!
    You married her for what ever your reason was ( my parents did not agree )
    really; thats your excuse? Your a man arent you? You should have made the right decision at the time, but you chose not to!
    Then you were sexual with her ( still we did very boring sex ) what did you expect fireworks? You did not want her as your wife to begin with; so this was never going to happen! I wish you had some back bone to begin with instead you chose to marry her; and tell her you dont love her; why dont you try putting your self in her postion; she is pregnent with the child of a man she knows doesnt love her; she will be uncertain about what life has planed for her as well as her baby! She must be thinking You rejected her what if you reject this baby?
    Why dont you think about your un born child!

    Its your child isnt it? Not the milk mans? How can you bring your child into this; your child will grow up to know how you feel towards its mother! ( i dont even like her voice )
    Imagine you have a beautiful inocent daughter and when she grows up she is in the same situation as you are putting your wife; how would you feel then?

    • Amy I've seen your replies here. I agree with some parts of it, but honestly I don't think you are suited to give any advice. You make a person to feel even worse about themselves. Have you forgotten the hadith from Umar (ra) to speak good or remain silent? I would really suggest you to think thrice the next time you type here your o so valuable advice. It may really harm people that seek help

      • Salam Beck,

        She may just be from a different culture. From her perspective it may be that she thinks the guy has a choice and he can just go and ask for the hand of anyone he wishes. But in that culture families get married not just the bride and groom. If your parents aren't willing to talk to the parents of guy/girl you want, you're not going to have much of a choice but to move on. You can't just go on your own and ask for someone's hand or date, the parents will get involved and reject you for going outside the process. In American culture, parents are an optional step and if they don't want to agree the kids get married anyway. Guys and girls do everything even before marriage.

        In the posters case it seems the parents want to help that girl out and are hoping their son comes around and are essentially trapping him. They keep saying not to worry and that the feelings will come later and he's having a kid and those feelings aren't coming. It's likely they were unwilling to talk to any other family for marriage for him and he's just being lied to to make him marry this girl. It's complicated but there's benefit for them too. That girl is probably a known compatible person to them that won't kick them out of living with their son. If they just went out looking for someone random they may get kicked out of living with their son.

        Anyway, I don't think Amy knows all this and she's speaking from how things work in her culture. In which probably the parents won't live with the guy and they have very little say in who he picks and he gets to pick whomever he wants without their assistance. And from that perspective it would be as if this guy just married someone he didn't like on his own and is now complaining about it.

      • Very true. Hes not a good advicer. Understand him. Wear his shoe

  2. Aslaam u alaykhum

    "I have checked a few similar posts, and it's strange to see such comments accusing the person themself."

    I agree with what you are saying as from what I have seen here, a lot of people on this website, particularly women, will place the blame on MEN in situations like yours but if it was a woman then they would show sympathy.

    The first good thing that I noticed that you did was that you made your feelings CLEAR to her about marriage- so you did not deceive her into thinking that you liked her and you even tried to cancel the wedding. From what I read, she went ahead with the wedding knowing that you didn't want to marry her so that is her fault on her part.

    Secondly, you say your parents did not agree to you not marrying this woman - this is where you ARE at fault, brother. You should've stood your ground and said "no, I don't want to marry her and I'm not going to!". Your parents are NOT the ones who will spend their lives being unhappy with her but YOU will.

    There are only two suggestions that I can offer you:

    1. Stay with her, be unhappy in your marriage and just try to be as good a father as you can
    2. Divorce her, be happy and be as good a father as you can

    I recommend the second option as your child WILL eventually pick up this tense atmosphere between you and your wife - this is NOT good for your child. Many people stay with their spouses just for the kids but that is bad as the child will pick up that there is something wrong - that's not fair to a little boy or girl.

    As far as your parents are concerned, if they get angry or upset - it doesn't matter. They'll get over it, and if they don't then that shows that they're just bad parents who are willing to make their son unhappy.

    Yes it might be difficult but you need to sit down with your wife, tell her that you will be involved with the child and be as good a father as you will be but you don't want to be with her and then give her a divorce.

    Ignore any comments from the women here who tend to put all the blame on men - in their view, all situations are the fault of men, regardless.

    I hope this advice will be of use for you inshalah 🙂

    P.s. you might want to read this post as quickly as possible, I'm pretty sure that it will be deleted for some stupid reason, just like the majority of my posts.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Posts that get held back in moderation are held back due to a number of reasons, but these reasons are not stupid. So long as a post is not offensive, personally attacking another contributor, or giving un-Islamic advice, it tends to be published.

      If a post of yours isn't published and you are unsure why, you are welcome to ask for clarification.

      Midnightmoon editor

    • Brother Asim, I liked your advice. I completely agree with it and i am a woman 🙂

    • I also agree with you Asim MasAllah great advise to brother

  3. Asalamualikum,

    Brother,....why would you marry someone you don't like? And who on earth says things get easier after a baby...they are crazy! Life gets only more complicated and especially the first few months when you are adjusting to the child being in your life.

    Brother you need to take responsibility for your life. You married her, and now you need to be a man. You have 2 options...

    1. Divorce her and support her financially with a baby and just move on...and stop caring what the world thinks...since you married her to please others and that clearly has not worked!

    Be with her the first few months after the baby and help her and then if you are still unhappy, then please leave her. Because you are not being a proper husband if you just ignore her and don't talk to her.

    Can you imagine how she feels, she married a man who hates her and won't even talk to her, that's pretty depressing too. She must feel so terrible, and on top of that. She is pregnant with your child. She deserves someone who loves her, and treats her with kindness and affection. Let her go if you can't do that, because you are not behaving like a proper husband to her.

    2. Stick it out. You married her, against all your gut instinct, so try to make it work.

    Date her! do something nice things for her, make her dinner with some candles, buy her flowers, tell her she is beautiful, do something new together, have an adventure, find something you have in common with her. Talk about your dreams for your child and see if your goals align. Even if it goes against your feelings, just do it. Smile at her. Tell her you love her. Go have a picnic. Just create love between you, she is the mother of your child.

    If you can't do that, then please let her go. Don't torture this woman for the rest of her life by being a miserable partner and person to be around.

    Marriage is no joke, you should not have entered it for other people. Make lots of dua, be there for your pregnant wife, and for the love of god Call her and check on her...she is carrying a baby!

    You need to face to reality brother and be a man. Love her and treat her well or leave her.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Whether male or female, nobody should be forced into marrying someone they don't want to. I have sympathy for both you and your wife in this situation, as you didn't want to marry her but didn't feel able to say no, and she knew you didn't want to marry her but felt she had no option either, both of you have ended up in an unwanted marriage. That's a horrible situation for both of you.

    In an ideal world, one or both of you would have said "No" and refused to get married, but now that you have made that commitment to each other, the situation has changed and become a lot more serious - whatever you do now will have implications that go much further.

    I think you need to consider what you want to do regarding your relationship - do you have any positive feelings regarding your wife, are there things about her that you respect and admire? Sometimes attraction needs time to develop, and the two of you haven't spent all that much time together. Think about her character and her faith - is she a practising Muslimah, is she kind-hearted and generous, does she treat people with respect? If she is pious and of good character, then it might be worth trying to build a relationship between the two of you.

    Physical attraction isn't always going to be instant, and when it is instant or rapidly developing, it tends to be reflecting lust rather than a developing love and respect. And to be blunt, most new couples will have a period of awkwardness in the bedroom before they get to know each other and become comfortable with each other. Remember as well that your wife knew before you got married that you didn't want to be with her, so she was bound to feel uncomfortable at the prospect of intimacy.

    I'd advise that, if your wife is practising and of good character, you make a serious effort to save your marriage - the two of you have made a commitment to each other, neither of you are being abusive or cruel (inshaAllah), and there is a child to think about as well.

    Why not arrange for your wife to visit you, so that the two of you can actually get to know each other? Treat her kindly and with respect, and spend quality time together - it may be that the two of you can grow to care for each other, and inshaAllah find enjoyment in spending time together. You could agree to work on the marriage for a certain period of time, and if things do not improve then you could agree to have an amicable separation?

    After you have both tried to work on things, if the two of you cannot find a way to stay together without feeling anger and resentment towards each other, then it may be better to end the relationship so that you both can move on with your lives without that negativity. In this case, it will be important for you both to try to do so amicably, and with your child's best interests at heart. So, for example, if the child and your wife are going to be staying in another country, you'll need to think about how you're going to arrange contact with your child - do you have family nearby who you could stay with, or might it be feasible to get a small property near where they will live, so that you can visit regularly?

    Situations such as yours are messy and painful, and no one person is to blame. My advice would be to try to make things work, and if you can't, then separate - and make sure that throughout all of this, you are sticking to Islamic guidance.

    Midnightmoon editor

    P.S.: Make sure you lower your gaze as well - looking at other women won't help you to focus on your marriage.

  5. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    You wrote:

    I was always thinking or looking for a reason to run away from this relationship so I asked her to cancel the marriage, but unfortunately she did not listen to me because this might have had a bad impact on her parents' image. Moreover, my parents did not agree.

    I find it very interesting that some comments suggest that you completely ignore the comments from sisters and YET, you put the burden of ending the relationship on your then-fiance (now wife)...if that is the attitude, when are women supposed to be heard and when should they be ignored?

    You should have refused to marry this girl, but you were much too concerned about your reputation in the eyes of your parents and you did what your parents wanted. If you want what your parents want, then continue living like that, if you want what you want, then live that way--either way, make a choice and stick by it and uphold the responsibility that you have played in this role.

    I don't know what your cultural background is, but in some cultures a "no" from the girl herself isn't acceptable and she would have been "ignored"--so, if you do choose to end the relationship, in future, make and act on your own decisions, take responsilbity for whatever the outcome is.

    I certainly do not envy you or your wife, but if this marriage will not blossom into any further love, you have to either get counselling and work on strategies or end it--either way, I hope you fulfill your obligations, inn shaa Allah. May Allah ease your pain and your wife's pain in this very difficult time, Ameen. May Allah make happen what is best for the both of you and your child on the way, Ameen.

    • Yes, this is what popped out to me too. He wanted out of it, so he asked HER to end it, rather than having the backbone to stand up to his parents himself.

      If the wife wasn't pregnant I would advise divorce, but she is. The brother should make every effort to save the marriage. See a counselor, try to be romantic with her, make a genuine effort.

      Wael Editor

  6. Salaam brother.I find your comment 'I have checked a few similar posts, and it's strange to see such comments accusing the person themself. I am looking for better suggestions, so consider yourself in my shoes and comment.' rather interesting.It implies that better suggestions means suggestions that you WANT to hear, rather than suggestions you NEED to hear.It would be helpful if you would have mentioned specifically why you are not attracted to her.Does she have bad qualities that put you off?Or do you find yourself not mentally or physically compatible with her?Or does she not fit in the image of how you wanted your wife to be?

    I'm assuming stuff here because you haven't specifically mentioned it, but from the general feel of your post, I gather that you are bored by your wife, and you see other, more interesting, possibly more vivacious and pretty girls and think you could have married someone like that.You also said that she hails from India and that she is your cousin.It's an old fashioned system but many Muslim families in the subcontinent choose girls from their families as brides for their sons mainly because they think its a safe choice, because the girl and family are very well known to them.Also, majority of girls are brought up to be modest, demure, quiet and skilled at house holding, keeping in mind their future marriage and the fact that the girl is considered to be marrying a whole family, not just the guy, and she may seem boring and limited in thought and mental capacity to an educated guy who has seen the world, and expects more from his life partner.If this is the case with you, I'd like to say that it is not the girl's fault that she was brought up that way.And it would be a tad unfair to blame her for not saying no before marriage, not when she has probably been brought up to believe that her and her parents' honour lie in her making a successful marriage.You must understand that the position of a girl in an Eastern society is very vulnerable.Often the option of saying no is not even available to her!I mean, this isnt the West where its not uncommon for a wife to say to her husband that she's fallen out of love with him and she thinks its time they should divorce.Please understand that if you divorce her, it will ruin her and her parents life, as sadly this is a society in which a woman's value is measured in part by her marital status.And please also understand that your attitude towards her must be causing her a heck of a lot of stress and emotional turmoil, especially at a time when she needs you, your attention and affection the most.

    So what to do when you can't love a woman who you think is boring and insipid ( given ofcourse, that the scenario I've pictured is true), and you can't leave her either.Well for a start, try facing up to your problem, rather than running away from it.You can start by phoning her every day, even if it is for 5 minutes and asking about her health and well being, and avoid topics that might start an the soon to be mother of your kid, she deserves that much atleast.Try and talk to her about the things that interest you, politics, music, movies , even if she doesn't know ABC about them.If she doesn't, try educating her about them.If she has a modicum of sense, she'l meet you halfway 🙂 Send her dresses you would like to see the wife of your dreams wearing, and encourage her to look her very best.Try to groom her gently into the woman you want as your wife.

    Brother, life isn't a bed of roses.But it can be made into a bed of roses if a couple is patient, and flexible with each other, and by being realistic in their expectations.Every girl wants a handsome knight in shining armour for a husband, who loves her like crazy and caters to her every whim and every guy wants a beautiful, intelligent,girl who treats him like a king, for his wife.And most guys and girls CAN have that if they are willing to put in time, effort and patience into their relationship.

    Lastly, I would have given the same advice if a girl had posted this about her husband 🙂 Best of luck brother, may Allah put love and harmony between you and your wife, insha'Allah.

  7. OP: I'm 29 years old. My marriage was fixed by my parents with one of my cousins. I was engaged for six months. We did not have a happy engagement because I could not treat her properly emotionally. I did not want her, and one month prior to the marriage I told her that I was not happy.... During those two months I never felt any physical attraction towards her, still we did very boring sex to satisfy our needs.

    You are 29 year old and not a 15 year old.

    Did your parents fix your marriage with your cousin without your knowledge, without asking you?

    Why did you have engagement if you did not like the girl?

    How will you feel if some one did the same to your sister?

    What is boring sex?

  8. Dear Zaid ,

    You need to stay with your wife to get emotional attachment .For some people marriage turns out to be disappointment at the beginning but if you work out things might get changed .
    I remember when i got married 5 years back ,i choose a girl giving high priority to my parent's liking and in short trying to act like a good boy to my parents and siblings .But after marriage i realized it was a wrong choice .I could not find her attractive in the first day itself . Also there she was not religious that time .I used to regret .We used to end up in lot of arguments ,fights etc etc .
    But rather than going for divorce i thought of trying to give time .After some 2-3 years it started becoming normal .Now we have a son and we live happy life .No issues now .

    One suggestion ,As you said you have got bored with sex life , i will suggest you to try some new ways of excitement in SEX (if physically she is not attractive) .It worked out for me .

    Also when your kid will come in this world there will be lot of happiness when you start spending time with the baby ...Don't go for divorce . Work on this marriage .

  9. I don't wanna be mean or anything , why Indian people stool have arrange marriages till this day? I don't agree with that at all because you suppose to love each other and find your soul mate in a islamic way not threw your parents, because your parents not living with you too to know what it feels like, please don't get me wrong I'm just saying this men who post this topic is in so much pain who don't know what to do because is not easy if you don't love somebody no matter what people say!!!

  10. I'm a female and I don't blame you. 🙂 But I think you indian/paki guys should be less momma boys and stand up for yourself. You didn't want her then you shouldn't have marry!
    You have two options here:
    1) Make her come to live with you and see how it's gonna work.
    2) Divorce her
    There is no other option here. Good luck.

    • i think in your society, mothers and fathers kick their children out after they are 18 years old? this doesn't happen in our societies, please don't misunderstand our family values to being sissy or momma boy?

      thank you 🙂

      • 'Our' societies? I hope you were joking because if you think 'your society' is better than someone else's, you must be turning a blind eye (or blind eyes!) to many things.

  11. Brother I am a man but I will definitely put all the blame on u because u are not a man enough who can make himself comfortable with an innocent creature like women. You should thank ALLAH for giving u such a lovely wife and now u will be a father in few days. Believe me, if u had been in our part of the world, u would have been banished by now because u cannot put up with a women who had left her home and loved ones behind for the sake of pleasing ALLAH and for earning Jannah. Where u are getting is Jahanam because u are only worried about this dunya. Come on be a macho man and think about Akhira. We all men want very beautiful wives but have we ever looked ourselves for the same reason in the mirror. I think many of us men would very easily fail. What u want is physical beauty but no my friend beauty is all about how u talk, how u walk, how u act..

    Your problem is not this wife which u do not want to up with but its this dunya. I know u are a born Muslim. Get out of this shell of a born Muslim and start learning a fresh what Islam is all about. Many of the posts here are giving u advise which only points towards this dunya. This dunya has already given u a good job and a lovely wife and a child on the way which u are thinking about abandoning. But let me tell when u abandon these two innocent creatures, the next thing that u will expect will be that ur good job will abandon u 100%. U will have nothing left of this dunya. U will become a lunatic and a depressed man.

    ALLAH is testing u and has put u in this examination. How u fare now depends all upon u. Don't be an egotistic and a selfish man. Stop acting like a fool and start acting like a man. Try to work upon ur deen and learn what really a real Muslim man is.

    About two years back I happened to watch videos on dailymotion about ladies conversion/reversion to Islam. I felt so much pitty for these lovely western ladies who had embraced Islam and had married ugly looking born Muslims for the simple reason because they wanted to earn Jannah and not this dunya which had been the force behind into leaving it.

    1- Start saying ur five daily prayers with khshoo & khuzoo, not like before.

    2- Ask ALLAH after every prayer to give me guidance to a true Islam that was preached by our last Nabi Mohammad SAW .

    3- As u are already in Saudia, go for Umra or Haj but first learn about it, and make lots of Dua for ur self and ur family and to solve problems which is best for u, ur wife and ur child.

    INSHALLAH ALLAH will do what will be best for u.

    Here I will make Dua for ur wife and ur coming child. May ALLAH protect them. Ameen.

  12. Salam,
    I know its not as easy as it seems but what I will advise you is to try and work it out with her....Its because of a pre-conceived idea of you don't love her, that's why you can't see the beauty and good in her....
    The girls you are seeing outside and wished you had them might be the worst girls for marriage.... Look for the good characters in your wife and also don't forget to buy her sexy clothes, gently make her do things you like that will make your bedroom not boring.... And remember brother all that glitter are not gold... May Allah make us see and appreciate what we have, Ameen

  13. I think you have to wait till the baby is born. Maybe you gonna fall in love with your child and decide to build the family because of that.

  14. Jazakumullah Khairan!!

    Insha Allah i'll try my best to work out.

    Thanks for your valuable comments, Ramadan Mubarak to all Please remember in Dua.

  15. OK. I would suggest trying to make it work. Looking at other women and thinking that you might have married them falls in the purview of an old American saying - if my aunt had been born a man she would have been my uncle. In other words, that isn't what happened, and you need to deal with the situation.

    You need to realize that even if she had said *no* it isn't unlikely that no one would have paid attention to her opinion.

    So, you begin by contacting her regularly, even if it is just to ask how she is feeling with the pregnancy. You act as if she is your wife, since by some strange coincidence, she really is your wife. You find out what she is interested in, and you find what interests you have in common, and you spend time together indulging them. You look for the good in her, and every day you point out at least one positive thing about her to her. You work on your marriage. If her cooking is good, you praise it. Hopefully, your sister, or her sister, or someone will be telling her to do the same thing to you. If you focus on the positive, you have a reasonable chance of building a solid friendship, and eventually a real love.

    And if it doesn't work after three or four years at the minimum, then you consider divorce. But it seems very wrong to wander off leaving her and a child still in diapers and breast feeding.

  16. Dear Zed9,

    Though I am replying very late. but i have some suggestions.

    I hope you are still fulfilling this relationship. and I pray for you. 2 years have gone after this post, hope you would have more kids now.

    How is your life going now ? You must be enjoying with your Kids.

    Divorce is not always the solutions.

    If a man doesn't like his wife, he has right to go for another marriage (keeping the first wife), fulfil expense of first one too, this will increase your rank in God Eyes.

    Try to be Kafeel (expense bearer) of as many persons as you can, even though you dont love them. Ask God for help everyday for atlest 15 mints pray with focus and concentration. and ask God for solutions of each problem you face in daily life. Don't try to solve everything your self, leave things for God. In short: Bring your God in Your Life! - That's it.

  17. same problem here. hahahahaha. good to know i m not only one
    but i am trying to make it work since 1 year. still sometimes i feel like getting divorced.
    but than on what basis she hasn't done anything wrong.
    first - to talk to her about what you feel and know whats on her mind first, because you know what you feel, but not what and how does she about it, when you are so much mentally troubled how can you make her comfortable around her you.because of which will never know who and how she is really, if she is not open and comfortable how can you expect to have great sex life
    it takes time to accept one another completely, be happy make her yours with open mind. you will find interesting things in her insha allah that will make u love her
    second going to marriage counsellor or any counsellor to find out what problem n solution, may allah will help in ur all problem, try these first before divorce.
    third option is another marriage as explained in above comments by well wisher.
    Allah knows all, ask him in night prayer it will give u all answers in sha allah.

  18. wow this is my story with exact age and time intervals.

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