Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Jealousy

Jealousy

How to deal with jealousy?

Asalaamu Alaikum

I am seeking advice concerning getting extremely jealous. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now and through our marriage I get extremely jealous at times which causes me to argue with her and I say some terrible things that I don't mean and feel very bad after this happens.

Shes a wonderful muslimah with a beautiful character and I love her and feel blessed to have someone special in my life..  Example, I get jealous sometimes if she happens to look at a man when we're out together because I don't understand what she's thinking when she just may catch eye contact with the guy and I ask her why and it usually turns out in a argument because I may ask her when I'm already on my defense.

I get suspicious and don't trust her at times and I have never witnessed her doing anything wrong, meaning sleeping around or even engaging in conversation with anyone besides a male family member..  Shes' a wonderful woman but what is my problem and why does my jealousy come and go?

I don't understand, please advise me..  I don't want to lose what Allah (swt) has blessed me with.

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11 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    brother the way you going your wife wont be hangin around long. i think you are blowin lt out of proportion. you said she doesnt engage in conversation apart from family members right? then whats the prob.

    so you saying that you have never had eye contact with any female except your wife? dont bull me bro i kno the script. looking is one thing but if she is looking and smileing at other males or talking with other males then i can understand.

    have you thought about how she feels when you have eye contact with other females? even tho your intention might not be bad, she probably feels the same way as you do.

    you said you love her right? what you doin is not love, arguments and screamin with all the drama aint love, its more of bein over-protective, control freak. if you truly love her then you would trust her without a doubt, and wont make silly assumtion of her.

    no women like to be pointed at, tellin them where to look or what to do, when o do etc you need to draw the line between your lover and your slave/maid.

    peace..................

  2. Asalaamu Alaikum!!!! Shukran for your advice ahki and for not sugar coating it lol, however your telling me something i already know about being over protective and Alhamdulillah all the answers we ever need is Quran and Sunnah and within self, thats what i wanted someone to advise me on ahki, SubhanAllah i should have stated that in my post, my sincere apologies.

    I found something out ahki, this is how the shaytan attacks me because hes on his job and will try whatever, so thats expected when your muslim. It wasnt that i wasn't trusting my wife ...i wasnt trusting in Allah (swt). Some go through things whatever it may be in life, marriage, divorce etc. that will bring you closer to Allah and Alhamdulillah my wife is my test. May Allah (swt) make the all of our tests easy Ameen

    I want say again, shukran for taking the time to view this and May Allah(swt) reward you all for this site and helping those who are seeking to better their characters. Masha'Allah

  3. i have the same problem with jealousy only i do have reason, and i am a woman. My husband is always staring at women in lingerie in commercials (he does not look away or change the channel) or chooses arabic movies which show belly dancers (again never turns to look away) and when we are out and about he stares and every single woman who passes by him (if she is half attractive) he has had conversations with many women at work (even asks them to bring him food for him at a restaurant etc.) when he worked as a gas station attendent he would overly flirt and laugh with women and i had witnessed it with my own eyes. He used to have modesty when we married but it was short lived.

    After just 6 months he would talk and flirt with women in front of me. He also started to view some things online that were inapropriate (haram in Islam) when i told him about them he stopped, but he still looks at inapropriate things on the television and in movies and won't stop. He gets very angry and says that i am too strict, and sometimes even hits me over and over for bringing it up. I have had a broken arm, busted lip, and he even ripped off a finger nail completely leaving nothing but my bleeding finger because of it. I know i should not be overly jealous but what he is doing is haram and he won't stop. Also he has not prayed in over a year, he calls me very bad names, and beats me in front of the children. I do not feel has has any respect for me and says the only reason he remains married to me is because of the children. I am afraid because 3 times i have been choked to the point of almost passing out. I can not suffer any longer but i have nowhere to go. I am pregnant with my 3rd child and am afraid to leave. I feel so used. He never shows affection unless he wants something from me. Reverting to Islam and staying strong in my faith is the only thing that has kept me from taking my life. I am scared to stay and scared to leave. I have no money, no job, and nowhere to go.. i feel like i am in prison.. and i am very unhappy and depressed.. i need help!!

    i wish i can ask a question pertaining to this but some how it won't let me. does anyone have any advice?

    • Umm Yusuf, Asalaamualaikum,

      Sister I am so very surprised that you mentioned your jealousy first, as though you think that that is a bigger issue than him BEATING you. You are not the one with the problem here. If what you say is true about your husband's behaviour with other women, your jealousy is well justified. Your jealousy is a minor compared to what he is doing to you. Even if your jealousy was unjustified - what kind of an animal is he that he beats you?!

      Sis, I personally think you need to leave him as soon as possible and seek refuge with a trusted family member. Or better still - report him to the police or a family member and have him removed from your home; why should you be the one to leave? I am not one to suggest separation so easily Sister, but he is ABUSING you both physically and emotionally! You have become so used to this treatment that you are becoming desensitized to it. This will all be affecting your children very negatively as well.

      I wouldnt hang around and wait for him to beat you again - as the next time may be your last - you'll be gone and who will be there for your children?

      Allah has given life to you as a gift. You owe it to Allah to take care of yourself by nourishing your life with good and abstaining from bad. This man is abusing the gift that Allah blessed you with and is doing bad to you. You deserve better.

      - So sister take that first step and report him to the police or move out with the children.

      I don't know which country you live in, but if you are in the UK - you will not be left to pick up the pieces alone. There are systems in place to help victims of domestic violence - and you are one of those. And I am sure other countries have systems in place too. Once you report him, there will be women's organisations, thje police and other government authorities to help you financially. Where is your family in all this?

      I know all this may seem easier said than done, but sis, you are the one who has to find the strength to take that step before its too late.

      • Ps: I wanted to add some to my reply above.

        There is no justifiable excuse for any man to beat his wife. But, maybe your husband is under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time he beats you. Or it could be just his own foul character at play. You know the answers to this.

        From experience with other sisters, I know you may start undermining the threat/danger he poses to you and your children, as

        - you may say to yourself, 'well, he doesnt beat me all the time',
        - you may think the beatings are your fault,
        - you may start feeling sorry for him,
        - further more you may feel that you dont want to divorce him.
        - or you may think you can change him

        So I am clarifying that I am not advising you about divorce or anything like that. I am simply making you aware that you and your children are in extreme danger while you are with him; so immediately seek refuge with your family or police etc and deal with the rest later inshaAllah. And if you think you will be able to change him - especially while living with him, you are fooling only yourself. As long as you allow him to treat you this way, he will continue to abuse you.

        Sister - if you want any change to occur, you have to be the one to take some action.

    • As Salaamu 3laikum sister. Physical violence is a very big red flag which you are missing. There is help for you and also safe havens in your community. I urge you report the violence you have suffered to local authorities - police, make a report and do not leave out any details. You need protection and safe place to shelter. What you are suffering is called "domestic violence." However, you are not the only one who is in grave danger. Your children are suffering too as well as your unborn child. There are places you can go, and there are people who can help you, protect you, and help you get on your feet. Phone Number for National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (http://www.thehotline.org/). Here is another website for help, however, they are in Hawthorne, California: http://www.starfamilycenter.org/home0.aspx.
      The main point that I cannot stress enough to you, is for you to GET OUT! Leave as soon as you can, when you have the chance, and take your children with you. Get a restraining order as soon as possible, in most cases, the court fees can be waived by the courts. You must get yourself to safety as soon as possible.

      I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

      by Paulette Kelly

      Dedicated to all battered women.

      • • •
      I got flowers today!
      It wasn't my birthday or any other special day;
      We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
      I know that he is sorry and didn't mean to say the things he said;
      Because he sent me flowers today.
      • • •
      I got flowers today!
      It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day;
      Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
      It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they aren't real.
      • • •
      I got flowers today!
      And it wasn't Valentine's Day or any other special day;
      Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
      Make-up and long-sleeves didn't hide the cuts and bruises this time;
      I couldn't go to work today because I didn't want anyone to know-but I know he's sorry;
      Because he sent me flowers today.
      • • •
      I got flowers today!
      And it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day;
      Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all of the other times;
      If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
      I'm afraid of him, but I'm too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
      Because he sent me flowers today.
      • • •
      I got flowers today...Today was a very special day---it was the day of my funeral;
      Last night he finally killed me---I was beaten to death;
      If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
      The women's shelter could have helped me, but I didn't ask for their help;
      So I got flowers today...for the last time.
      • • •

      Copyright 1992 c by Paulette Kelly

    • Assalamualaikum sis,

      I am sorry to heard it breaks my heart, where do you live ? please go seek help.. is not accepting what he have done.. have faith sis there is help outside we just need to keep struggle and patient.
      let us know where you live maybe readers will have way out by pointing place to help etc, InshAllah

      Big hugs to you sis..

  4. salaam alkium brother i was really enjomg that as i was reading i go throuh that as well i dont know why i got jelouse of my husband somtymes but then that was b4 now i relisd that i was folwing da shittan now i relisd that my husband iz very good 1 n i wish every1 2 hav a man lyk him coz i reliazed that my jalisy was wrong treat ur wife brother she iz da 1 dat alah choose 4 u n rember we are muslim we cant cheest lyk kufar n alah will panish us if we did that so why iz da jalisy iz WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG aske ur wie 2 4give u n alah allwys

  5. To my husband:
    It really hurts me when you do not have full trust in me. Sure you are going to be accountable for me as your wife but I can know that being overly jealous does not teach me Arabic, which I will need more than being bothered by you being upset.
    You may feel I am not clear but I think it’s because you cannot see straight. I am a good woman who has had a tough life because of bad men and finally God gave you to me and you think I am bad?
    I have seen bad. I had to escape from bad in Turkey and fly back to USA. I had seen bad in nearly ten years of marriage with a guy who is only Muslim by name. And in the end he said to me, “ I know you are not the reason why we divorced, I know it was all by myself.”
    Yes environment can make you bad and I know that but I did not grow up in a bad environment and I converted to Islam to avoid being exposed to a bad life yet I got a bad life anyhow. I never could have known to love someone would hurt so badly, so I know what bad people are and I am not one of them.
    I know that if I am around women who are not great people that they can influence me but when I feel they lure me I am quick to jump back on board of Islam and be Muslim.
    What you do not understand it that the tears coming down my face sting my cheeks. That the times you just get so mad at me hurts me feelings, that the times you threaten to leave me kill my spirit, even if I hide them.
    It is very hard to be Muslim in USA for 90 billion Muslims, who come to USA, but I chose Islam and I have never testified any other religion than Islam is my religion.
    If you think I am not perfect because you do not see me as an Arab woman, then know that it’s my jihad to be. To just be. Nothing more than be.
    I am not attracted to men because they are handsome. I am attracted to a man who is you.
    But please just have a ton more mercy for me.
    Know that if you dislike a thing in me that God has placed much goodness in me as well. Holy Quran,
    Allah says in Surah Al-Hujuraat:

    O you who believe! Avoid much suspicion, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it, and fear Allah. Verily Allah is the one who forgives and accepts repentance, most merciful.

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