Jewish man in love with a Muslim girl – should I tell our families?
Question:
Salaam, my name is Sasha. My full name is Aleksandr and I was born in Chisinau, Moldova to an Uzbek father and a Moldovan mother. My father is a Jew and my mother was baptized as Eastern Orthodox Christian (her mother was half Jewish). I grew up as a half-Uzbek half-Moldovan boy, but deep down I always knew I was Jewish by blood. It took me until the age of 12, when I finally realized I didn't have to hide it. That was from the help of a girl I had met, a Muslim. Over the year and a half, we had become friends, and she was not very religious nor was I. Together, we made promises to be halaal (kosher) together, and always watched out for each other. I made sure no man had ever touched her, and she gave me the friendship I had long needed in my life, she was my first friend.
Months passed (I was 13), and she had left to go back to Pakistan to visit relatives, then moved to a different state. I had lost contact until I turned 15, and we found each other again on a site. We grew back to our old friendship, and I had told her I had waited for many years for her return. She had apologized to me for never telling me, and we continued to talk. Valentine's Day had come, and I was ashamed to tell her, but we shared the same feelings. I knew she was a Muslim, and she had known I was a Jew, but it didn't bother us. We decided to further our friendship, but not become boyfriend/girlfriend. With our friendship, I had read the Qur'an with her, and she told me because of my caring and kindness to her, she no longer feels ashamed to be Muslim. I stopped calling Him Yahweh, and accepted Allah as the name.
Months turned into years and our feelings slowly started progressing to the point where we wanted to marry. We knew we were young, but it was the first instance of love we had ever had in our lives. I wrote her poetry in Farsi and Urdu for her to show my devotion to this girl. I have never looked at her with "imagining eyes" (sex, kisses, hugs), and I always encouraged her to wear her dupatta because it was beautiful and I had always appreciated her modesty. I told her sex is a marital bond and should only be shared between husband and wife, and she said she had felt so happy to know that I felt the same way about marriage as her.
At the time of her 17th birthday, I had sent her a gold nose ring, and some poetry, to show my affection for her, in which I told her I got her special gifts. The gifts quickly turned into nightmares though. Her mother had found my gifts first! While she was at school, her mother had peered into my gifts and was deeply shocked. By the time Aisha (the girl's name) got home, she had found her mother in tears, praying Allah to forgive her for what Aisha has done.
I have felt shame in what I did, I had taken away her daughter's trust, her respect, and also, her heart. Aisha had told me that we could not be together, not even friends because her mother now knows. She feared that if I came to ask for her hand, her mother would hurriedly rush her off to Pakistan to be arranged. I felt broken. The one girl I had loved, I lost over a gift. Our feelings were true, and we were never haraam with each other. Ever since that day, I have not smiled, eaten, slept, or felt any sort of happiness. We continue to secretly talk, but no longer with emotions. She does not want her family to lose their reputation, and begs me not to ask for her, as to not ruin my family's name as well.
I find myself praying to Allah more and more, asking for my forgiveness for ruining such a family. I ask Allah to allow me to be with her and her family, not for sex or any haraam desire, but for the happiness we give each other, and I am willing to provide everything for her and her family. We have felt unhappy, but she asks me not to try to convince her mother. I feel like Allah has punished me for my actions. I was born a Jew, but feel Muslim at heart because of her. I do accept Muhammad as the Prophet, and tell her ways she can improve being Muslim everyday, which she has never thought of.
I want to tell her family that I will provide for her, and will never hurt her, and am willing to become Muslim for them if they wish me to. Her mother thinks I am any other man, who only seeks sex and to hurt and bring shame to her. She claims she has found everything in my letters to prove it, overlooking the obvious poetry I have written. She will not even give Aisha the chance to tell her about me. I try to pray to Allah to tell her mother that I am not the man she is thinking of, I am true in what I say and feel. I wrote her poetry from my heart, and I support Aisha's decisions, I will raise my children as Muslims, for I have always loved Islam, even if I am Jewish. I wrote her mother a letter that Aisha does not know of, asking her mother for forgiveness and to give me a chance to explain myself.
My question is: If I become Muslim, what would I tell my family and what would I have to do? My grandfather who is a practicing Christian (father's side) hates Muslims and Jews. I have told him about me being Jewish, and he told me "Never! You must not damn yourself that way. You are not Jewish and never will be. Absurd! (Insert long list of Russian cuss words)"
When I told him I thought Muslim women were the most beautiful women in the world, he had yelled and said in Russian (Uzbeks and Moldovans all speak Russian due to Communism) "Sickly! They hide themselves in rags and never even know the desire to love! They will never treat a man right, they only know their Allah! They are so sickly, and I hope you never find one! God will curse you to Hell for loving one of THEM!!"
I obviously do not agree at all with this, so please help me in finding a way to tell both families of the way I feel.
Khuda Hafez
- Sikander
Sister Leyla's Answer:
Salaam brother,
I would recommend that you respect this girl's wishes and stay away from her. Your conversations are putting her at great risk, and trouble and she has told you that she does not wish to pursue anything romantic and so I would advise that you accept that and leave her be.
Sometimes, young girls get carried away with the perceived safety of on-line romance and communication - but when push comes to shove, and the reality comes into play, the intentions become very clear. She has recoiled as soon as things have become real, she is not willing to turn her family life upside down and she has stopped speaking to you in a romantic way. If you continue to pursue her, and turn up on her families doorstep without her permission, against her wishes and without her support you will have seriously gone caused much strife for her, so my advice is that you leave her alone and try to move on from this.
Regarding accepting Islam, mashaAllah. I would advise that you visit your local mosque, read the Quran, learn about the five pillars and start refining your practice and diet so that your actions and behaviours reflect the faith that is in your heart. If you feel, after a while of practising that you have made these decisions for the right reasons and that you are sincere in your faith, then you may consider telling your family. I would recommend that you be very sure, focused and loyal to Islam, make some Muslim friends, read the Quran and start attending mosque before you come clean with your family. Their negative reactions will be a test for you so it is important to become strong in your faith before you undergo that test.
Peace,
Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Entries(RSS)
Salaam brother,
I would recommend that you respect this girl's wishes and stay away from her. Your conversations are putting her at great risk, and trouble and she has told you that she does not wish to pursue anything romantic and so I would advise that you accept that and leave her be.
Sometimes, young girls get carried away with the perceived safety of on-line romance and communication - but when push comes to shove, and the reality comes into play, the intentions become very clear. She has recoiled as soon as things have become real, she is not willing to turn her family life upside down and she has stopped speaking to you in a romantic way. If you continue to pursue her, and turn up on her families doorstep without her permission, against her wishes and without her support you will have seriously gone caused much strife for her, so my advice is that you leave her alone and try to move on from this.
Regarding accepting Islam, mashaAllah. I would advise that you visit your local mosque, read the Quran, learn about the five pillars and start refining your practice and diet so that your actions and behaviours reflect the faith that is in your heart. If you feel, after a while of practising that you have made these decisions for the right reasons and that you are sincere in your faith, then you may consider telling your family. I would recommend that you be very sure, focused and loyal to Islam, make some Muslim friends, read the Quran and start attending mosque before you come clean with your family. Their negative reactions will be a test for you so it is important to become strong in your faith before you undergo that test.
Peace,
L
I do practice the dietary laws, by being kosher (halaal). I dress modestly, and I do pray. I've read the Qur'an and understand it to the best of my abilities.
I do respect this girl's wishes, and everything, but I just can't let her go, you know? I've known her for 5 years, and I feel like I've passed up too many chances to have her in my life as a partner. My mom and dad know of her, and they have told me that they respect her despite her background. My mom was a bit hesitant, as she's one of those who base things off "media". I feel like my dad and grandma understand more of what it's like to be around Muslims because Uzbekistan is an 80% Sunni country.
I just don't want to lose this girl. I've never loved anyone else in my life, and I know I'm young, but years have gone by and I still feel the same about her from the day I met her. I wish her parents could understand that I'm a good person. I know I'm not Pakistani, or a Muslim, but I'm willing to convert for her, her family, and for the sole love of Islam. It's hard to do anything when my mind is thinking of the happiness we had, and I feel somewhat betrayed. We had promised to never let anything happen to us, and that we'd get married in a traditional Uzbek-Pakistani Muslim wedding, and the first sight of her mother's awareness about me, she runs away.
Is there any way I could convince her family to accept me? I feel like they don't want me because either I'm not Pakistani, or Muslim, or both. I'd appreciate any option before leaving her alone. I don't want to give up, and I know she's only saying this because she wants to make family happy, but what about her own happiness? I know Islam and Judaism place great emphasis on family, but sometimes we have to be independent for once and make our own choices and not follow the futures our parents want us to. For example, my mom and dad always told me I was a failure and could never accomplish anything in my life. My father beat me until I was 11, and then from there, he almost refused to make eye contact 6 days of the week unless he wants me to do something for him. They said I'll never have a future, but I'm proving them wrong. I'm getting the grades I've always wanted now, and am setting my own future for myself. I know she can do the same if she just tries.
Salaam my brother,
I understand what you are saying, and I understand your feelings and I appreciate their sincerity. I have no doubt that you are a good person, that you are very decent, sincere, good, loyal and all of the other good qualities that are desirable in a person.
But it is not her family who have rejected you - it is her. You seem to be interpreting her actions in a very positive way, but brother - has she ever, at any stage invited you to approach her family for marriage? Because it sounds like the romance is coming from only you. You say that she begs you not to ask for her - that's a pretty clear indication to me that she does not want to marry you.
If you continue pursuing this girl, everyone will get hurt - but you will get hurt most of all, and I do not want to see that happen. I can see you are willing to do anything, but it takes two people to make a marriage and a relationship and as far as I can tell, you are the only one in this picture who is trying to make a marriage happen. It's not good for you - and I would not recommend continuing in this way.
I know, when wrapped in the passionate romantic love it feels like we will never love again, that we have met the one and that we will never be happy without this person - but that could not be further from the truth.
For now, concentrate on your prayers, Quran, practice - focus, focus, focus - trust in Allah, keep being the good and successful person you are being and slowly slowly feel a strength and self-discipline come alive inside you. Once you have mastered yourself, then you can think about finding an appropriate spouse, one who wants to marry you, introduce you to her family and make a stand for you, and stand up for you the way that you are willing to stand up for them.
Peace,
L
Salaam Leyla,
Thank you for your feedback. Out of all this, I can see that only you took the time to understand what I'm going through. I feel like I was taken advantage of by someone dear to me. I'm so confused as to why she told me for 2 and a half years that she wanted to be with me, only to run away. It's not that she doesn't want to introduce me to her family, it's that she's afraid of what they would think of me. She says their reputation in Pakistan is important because the man she chooses represents her family's status. To me, that feels like what they call in America a 'Gold-digger', someone who's only with that person for reputation.
I just feel so ashamed of myself. As a kid, I never had a relationship with my family (i.e. getting thrown down and stepped on for wiping chocolate on my shirt when I was 8), and the 'friends' I had took advantage of me. I have physical scars from what my 'friends' did to me, like my back and foot and arms, and even a scar on my stomach that I never went to the hospital for. It just hurts my heart the most to finally trust someone and have them use you like the rest did.
I don't understand what benefit came to her from pursuing to be with me if she knew this would happen. My heart aches for her, but my head is afraid to trust her again, and I feel like this was all my fault in the first place. If she couldn't be with me, then why not just tell me in the first place instead of make up a bunch of lies to make me happy? I would ask her this, but she refuses to have any contact, whether by phone, letters, e-mails, etc. Her bhai, Zishan, threatened to beat me up if I pursue and I know for sure that that is not the Muslim way of thinking.
She says it hurts her more than it does me, but how has it hurt her? What has she suffered? She still sleeps, and eats, and talks with her bhai, but me -- I have no one to comfort me at all. I try to move on, but the thought of being normal with all this is just not acceptable. I wish there was a way I could let her see what I feel and try to convince her that what we choose in life can't be taken back so easily. I can't take away the scars I have or the pain I felt when I was used.
I still focus on praying and eating, but it's difficult. After not eating for 2 and a half weeks, my stomach can hardly take any food inside without feeling sick. I just wish that things were back to normal, or that Allah guides me in the right direction to be okay with this.
My brother,
I sincerely understand how you feel, you have been through very harsh experiences and of course it will take time and effort from you to recover from them.
Sometimes people are not aware of the damage they cause when they lead someone on. Young girls especially, feel the need to "be nice" instead of "being honest". It is natural that you are angry - actually it is healthy that you are angry as you are going through a natural grieving process and all sense of loss that we feel is grief - we blame ourselves, we feel anger, depression - but after this process there is recovery and brother, believe me - you will recover.
What is important for you is to take care of YOU now, and learn to accept yourself and believe in your own value and build up your self esteem. Often, when we have been treated badly by our caregivers growing up, we gravitate towards scenarios which confirm how we feel about ourselves - we find situations in which we will be rejected and feel shame. The way to solve this from happening in your life is to learn that we are very valuable, and loveable and wonderful. Once you re-set your internal view of yourself you will start to find yourself being attracted to fulfilling relationships, good, positve friendships and the world and the way it responds to you will change because you have changed.
The truth of life is that sometimes, things go wrong. It really has no greater significance or meaning than this, and we search and search for meaning and conclude that there must be something wrong with us. This is incorrect. The sincere truth is that sometimes things don't go our way - but as long as we work to maintain our self esteem and invest in ourselves as people, and work to be good people - the situations around us, and the people around us, the conversations that we have - all change.
Faith is an excellent guidance for this activity. As you accept that you are a neccessary part of the whole world, you are a valuable ingredient in an unknown recipe and the more time you invest in understanding yourself and the great gift you have lying undiscovered inside of you, the more your eyes will begin to open, you will begin to see blessings all around you, and possibilities and gifts all around you and you will come to a stage where you will thank God that this happened with this girl, you will thank God for your experiences good and bad and see what a miracle it all is that every situation we go through does enable us to do some good with our lives later on.
This was a bad experience - that's all it is - it is nothing more than that. It's not about you, its not about her - its about the time, and place and situation and that's all.
You will go through a grief process, you will lose some sleep, some apetitie, you will feel sad, shocked, angry and depressed - and then, you will feel that rumble in your tummy, enjoy a meal again and before you know it, you are firmly focused on YOU and what you want to do with your life.
So my advice to you is to not take this too much to heart and take it as an indication of your value as a human being. It has none of those implications that you are tempted to make.
Invest heavily in yourself, your life and your future - practice your faith and nourish your sense of self, your feel good feelings, your interests, hobbies and future - and you will see a great change in how you feel about the world and how the world feels about you and inshaAllah, if you can do this - recovery is not just close, but its guaranteed.
Peace,
Leyla
Sorry if I have not replied so quickly as I did the other day. I'd like to thank you for your time to reply to my questions. I've started eating a little more each day, and I've also started to focus more on prayers lately, just asking for direction in the right path and to help me take better care of myself.
Out of all this, I feel afraid still. Afraid to trust any girl like that again, because I don't want it to happen again. I thought she truly loved me, she always said we were perfect and we'd get married someday and blah blah blah. Was it all a bunch of lies? I told her several times "Aisha, you know you don't have to tell me you want to marry me if you don't want to. I never want you to lie to me. I want you to be honest with me, because I've been honest with you for a long time." And she said she was honest. If that was true, then why run away like that? I'm sure lying is a sin too, right?
My other opinion about this is -- she gave me up for her family's reputation -- so what's stopping her from giving her family up for her husband later on? Also, the honesty. She claimed to me she was always honest -- we know how that turned out -- so what is she going to tell her husband? This girl is confusing me. She's either honest or not. She's either caring and loving, or the opposite of it. Does she even know what pain she causes people who, like me, trust her every word?
I've given these questions much thought myself, but can't seem to find any plausible answer. I'd talk to her, but I can't. The last thing I remember she said to me before all this was "I love you, meri jaan." "Love you too, azeezam." I can't stop remembering those last two quotes. I just want her or her family or someone to answer my last few questions as to why this even happened. If she didn't want to be with me and knew she didn't then Ya Allah why do it in the first place? Makes absolutely no sense to me.
Salaam Sikander,
The reason for your confusion is that you are trying to explain it all in black and white, but the truth about people and their actions is that they are a combination of both. So the real answer is that she may have been sincere at one stage, changed at another stage and so on.
People change, especially in teenage years when everything is changing including our personalities, our plans for the future and our sense of right and wrong.
So I am sure there were moments where she was sincere, and I am sure that at some point, for some reason, her intentions changed. Its not black and white, so trying to put in all in a tidy box will confuse you.
Things and people change - it really is as simple as that.
I hope insha Allah, that helps to quiet the noise in your head.
Peace,
Yes, thank you for saying that. I guess I'm just trying to separate her intentions, when we're all combined with lots of feelings. It just confuses me to wonder how someone can change so quickly like that. I'm not saying it was a weekly change, it happened in one night, literally. A 6:50p.m., she had told me she was leaving for a school meeting of some sort. Then at 10:30 p.m., she told me to go to sleep and to not call or anything in he morning (I usually called to say good morning and wish her luck). It was just so sudden, and I'm wondering how someone could change so fast about feelings like that.
To me, it seems unnatural to do that. I try to convince myself that there must've been something more to it than just her family finding my gifts. I mean, I think maybe in Islam or Pakistani culture, a nose ring is a sign of engagement or something, especially a 14K gold one.
My head is just ready to burst. I've got so many questions about all this, and fear that maybe not all of them will be answered. But even so, insha'Allah, I will be put into the right direction and maybe then my answers will be revealed.
Hi Sikander,
I am an Arab Muslim girl and I went through a very similar experience with a Jewish guy. When I read your story, I finally felt that I'm not alone anymore. It's nice to know that someone else knows what you're going through and I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart that I know exactly what you're going through. May God help us both because it's a really uneasy mental, emotional and even physical ordeal to go through. I am still insanely in love with the guy but it's hopeless because he's gone forever (and by the way, I never even asked him to convert). Anyways, I'd really like to be friends with you and I promise I won't cause you any heart pain because I'll be a good friend and I won't disappear. Afterall, we have the same exact experience. And I'll tell you my entire story later on when you hopefully decide to be friends with me. I'm a really good friend and I sincerely hope that you'll accept my friendship. Let me know how to contact you ok? I'll come back here to see if you posted any contact information. Alright, I wish you all the best and a bright future! Take care of yourself because you're entrusted from God to take care of yourself and you're going to be accountable for how well you took care of yourself! Peace 🙂
Salaam FVSS,
I'd love to have a friend. You're welcome to talk to me about anything. I am always available 24/7. Actually, that was a lie because I was out for a 3 hour walk a.k.a. Thought sanctuary.
You can e-mail me, IM me, or even call me. I don't really mind any of the three, or even write to me letters. lol, that sounds a bit excessive, but you get the idea.
How should I post it up to you?
Kuda Hafez
Sikander and Yasmin, I don't see the benefit in extending this offer of friendship to a Muslim woman / non-Muslim man you don't know. What is the benefit in it? I see more harm than good resulting from it. And I don't think it's a good idea to be sharing contact information in public.
I don't have a "policy" on this per se because it has not occurred before, but I think I will have to develop one in consultation with my co-editors.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Update: on second thought, Sikander, after seeing your offer to the Muslim sister to email you, write you or call you, I feel that you are inviting her to something that can only harm her religiously and with her family. As a non-Muslim you may not understand this, but we have an approved method in Islam of contact between the sexes, and the level of intimate contact you are inviting should only occur in contemplation of marriage. Therefore I am deleting the sister's contact info. And since your question has been extensively answered by Sister Leyla, I am closing this post to further comments at this time.