Jilted and deceived by a marriage prospect
Feeling deceived
As-salamu alaykum Brothers and Sisters:
I am in a dilemma. I am seeking advice to this problem.
About 5 months ago, my ex-fiancé (we were going to have our nikkah in October) out-0f-the-blue calls me and ends the engagement saying that due to some issues he can not marry me in October. When asked for the reason, I was not given the truth. I asked him if there was someone else in the picture, but he denied it and said he is not going to marry anyone else for now and is not planning to marry for a while.
Later I found out that he had lied to me about certain things which would have saved a year of my my family's life during the time we were still together. He did not inform me that he was in touch with a previous lover of his during our engagement. He denied his contact with her during our marriage talks. 4.5 months after ending the engagement, I came to realize he is marrying her now. Also, he misled us both.
I am not sure if I should indicate to him that I know the real reason why he ended the engagement, that he shouldn't have wasted or played with my and my family's emotions, and also that he shouldn't have lied to his new wife-to-be. His family and him have caused great pain to our family by suddenly canceling the engagement. Even couple of days before the call, he was professing his love and intention to marry -even the day of the phone call!
He and his family disappeared, and did not contact us even while knowing that my eldest sibling was flying out to meet them in their country to finalize things for October. Should I confront him and let him know that I knew he misled me and even his previous lover?
At this point, I am very angry and thankful to Allah from saving me from this guy. However, I don't want him to just think it is okay to play with people 's emotions and waste people's time in serious matters like this, and disappear. I do want him to know that I know, and he should be accountable to his actions. It saddens me that his family observes Halaal, wear burkhas, hijabs, and the men have beards, yet they acted this way.
Jazak Allahu Khayr,
-purplemuslim
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assalamu alaikum sister purplehear
Just thank Allah swt you dodged a bullet. I think this was a blessing in disguise..i dont think you should advise really as the potential wife will probably still go ahead with it. Women alot of times are emotional thinkers and do not take heed of advice or warning given by another woman.
i have been through it..alhumdulilah now cos my life is soo much better. He will probably continue his character flaw with the new woman and nothing will change.
i wish you the best ayat
btw i noticed your last comment. sister..i think we all need to come to realization that just because someone is a muslim doesnt mean they are a good person. Its actions to me that show how you are.I have met muslims that have memorized quran but are NOTHING to write home about.
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
I agree that sometimes people do not want to hear bad things about the person they are getting married to but I also didn't want the woman to be hurt by the same person. Jazak Allahu Khayr for your wish and sorry for a late response.
OP: It saddens me that his family observes Halaal, wear burkhas, hijabs, and the men have beards, yet they acted this way.
Looks can be decieving. Did you know about his previous love affair? Did you try to find out the reason bahind him leaving her?
I don't think there is much you can do now. Focus your energy to make your life better and find a better husband,
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
I knew somewhat about the previous lover through him when he had mentioned something and I questioned him. He had said that they had grown apart and she begged him not to leave her.
I am trying to move on but I am still hurting and healing...Insha Allah, one day I will get through this.
Dear PurpleMuslima,
May Allah SWT ease your discomfort and may Allah SWT bless you with a man who is not only loyal, but one who fears Allah SWT. For I believe that, if a man has no fear of Allah SWT then he has no bounderies or limits to his actions.
And do you think this man doesn't know what he has done? He very well knows what he has done but just does not care of the consequences of his actions. He is not man enough, because if he was, he would have handled this situation without wasting anyones time, he would not have lied and would have faced you with honesty.
I know it hurts how he has decieved you. BUT.Don't remind him of what he has done. Don't contact him at all. Your silence will kill him and cut him into pieces. Why? Because it would show him that you are mature and capable of moving on. Leave the reminder to Allah SWT and leave the punishment to Allah SWT. Allah SWT never forgets what others do to their fellow, so let Allah SWT deal with him.
I hope you prayed Istikhara prior to you two getting engaged. And if you did, then view this outcome as an answer from Allah SWT.
May Allah SWT ease your pain... Ameen
SisterZahriya
Also I want to add an advice that was provided by a Muslim Counselor--Dr. Maryam Bachmeier to a post of mine in a different website... Please read it as if she is talking to you. This was one advice that was provided to me and has helped me much Alhamdulillah.
This person may or may not be consciously aware of his destructive and manipulative behavior; this is why we forgive him anyway. It is our own best interest to forgive another, because forgiveness sets us free. With that said, you are really forgiving him for your own sake, and not for his. This is perfectly good. This person isn’t asking for forgiveness from you as he is too arrogant to be able to humble himself or even acknowledge that he wronged you. He may know this in his heart, but he is too prideful to be authentic with his feelings. There is nothing you can do to change that. Let Allah heal this person; walk away, and let Allah heal you.
The way to do this is to get your phone number changed, do not talk to him if you see him in public, and never call him again. You are destined to walk different paths, and Allah will give you the strength that you need to do this. So, surround yourself with friends for a while and enjoy socializing with some women friends until the pull toward this person becomes lighter and goes away completely. Our iman comes from Allah, and He will strengthen it if you follow the principles of faith.
Here is an exercise that I want you to do: make du`aa’ (supplication) to Allah. Ask Him to guide you, and then stand up. Imagine that you are standing in front of this person. Say the following to this person (in your mind, or silently to yourself, or whisper it quietly): “I appreciate everything that I learned from you and from being in a relationship with you; I thank Allah for making me the woman that I am today. I forgive you now for any pain I might have perceived from you, and I pray that you forgive me for any pain that you may have perceived from me. We are destined to travel on different roads. I leave you with my blessing, and wish you joy and happiness on your journey. I must meet Allah where I am comforted and free. Good bye.” You can change the words of course, but use this idea of letting go of all attachment to this person as you speak to him (in your imagination). Then, turn assay, walk toward Allah, and pray again. Give Allah a prayer of thanksgiving and praise Him for being your Friend, the Healer of Emotions, the Guide, and Protector.
Good Advice! Maa shaa Allah.
Assalamualaykum SisterZahriya
I went through something similar, and your post was as if it was speaking to me. It fits so perfectly into my own story and I understand it properly. It makes sense of my own emotions and thoughts. I thank Allah from saving me from getting married to this person and blessing me enough to show me the truth. I forgive and make dua for them and know that something better is destined.
Jazakallahu khair for sharing it.
I hope this advice helps all the other women who are going through something similar. May Allah help us all, Ameen.
Jazak Allahu Khayr for sharing this advice. I wish I can forgive him but I am at the point where I really don't want to forgive him. 🙁
Assalamualaykum purpleislam
Please try to forgive him. I can relate so I'll tell you how I managed to, Alhamdulillah. Forgive for your sake, not his. Think of it like this: however many times you want Allah to forgive you; that's how much we should forgive His creations.
Indeed, it is extremely difficult, but remember that this was in your taqdeer. Allah wants to make you strong from this experience and give you something even better that you could imagine, Inshallah. You had to go through this so that your future taqdeer can happen. Pick yourself up, lift your head high and slowly move on with your life. Show the world just how strong you really are. Ask Allah to guide you and make shukr that he gave you this blessing disguised as a calamity; because when one door closes, 10 more doors open. I know it's difficult to think of it that way, but Inshallah in time you'll realize it.
Say "aoothubillah hi minish shaitaanirajeem wa la howla wa la quwata illi billahi" every time any thought relating to him pops in your head. He hurt you and is no longer in your life so should have any space in your mind.
May Allah make it easy for you and everyone else, my dear sister.
Wassalaams
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
Jazak Allahu Khayr for such sweet duas you made for me.
I wish I could easily move on but I am still hurting and healing...just keeping busy with my career and all. I usually do ask Allah's guidance but somehow, I just followed my gut on this--my mistake.:(
I do pray 5 times a day and ask for Allah's help. I hope that I reach a point in my life where I will not be so emotionally affected by this boy's behaviour...Insha Allah
Assamu alaykum sister
Allah has bless you from a lot more pain and suffering. Be great full for this say alhumdulilah. This seems more of a closures thing, it is true it would make feel better to confront him and tell him to his face what you know and tell him off. But... also it is good to forgive and forget put it in your pass and learn from this experience. I've been through a lot of pain and suffering as a child I've been poor abused and neglected. I always wanted to confront the people that hurt me I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me. Since I converted ive learn to let things go forgive them and not have hate in my heart. alhumdulilah everything I went through made me a better man and Muslim. We all have fights that we battle with in life I have one now but I pray for guidance.
You will learn from this experience. It is true you can't judge a book from its cover. If you look at me Im build and have tattoos but allah will forgive for my pass I'm a good caring Muslim that has allah in his heart.
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
I admire your strength. I usually don't judge people by their appearances, but it saddens me when people, who are dressed according to Islam, lack emotional intelligence, social grace and emotional maturity.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
I agree with Sr. AyatBinHamza...Alhumdulillah you got out before more heartache.
I am not sure if you should personally contact him and tell him what you know--In fact, I feel hesitant in suggesting that; however, I do think that it would be better if your father emailed him in a very professional manner and stated his disappointment in their families behavior/treatment towards you, but at the same time wish him the best in his marriage. I say the latter because perhaps it will make him realize it would have been better to come clean than to toy with others' feelings.
As for observing Islamic traditions and deceiving others, Sister this is sad, but of course there are all sorts of people we meet in our lives. As hard as it is to accept what he did, it is better for your to let all this pain go once you have finished grieving. Inn shaa Allah, you have avoided an even worse situation.
May Allah grant you a husband who fulfills all your requirements and beyond, Ameen, thummah Ameen.
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
Unfortunately, my father has passed away (past Ramadan):( This guy was there for me and family during those times and that's why I made a mistake thinking he would never do such a thing. Jazak Allahu Khayr for such sweet prayers.
Call him and say "I knew you lied to me about your ex lover. You played my emotions and my families emotions, you didn't act like a honorable man and honorable Muslim, and your sin will follow you untill Allah come to a conclusion about you. if you tovbe to Allah and ask for my apologies it may reduce your punisment near Allah."
If you don't have courage to say that no problem. Just send this is issue to Allah and don't worry anymore. Be sure justice will be done.
Yes you have been deceived and betrayed but COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. I believe what he did to you is what comes around goes around. People are hypocrites no matter who they are. I see a lot of things on a regular basis and it does saddens and disgusts me what the new generation or world is coming too. There is no honor or respect left, people are not always honest there is no value left for this either.
Focus on you now, take this down has an experience and turn it around to even better that Allah has for you inshAllah.
I will also advised you STRONGLY not to CONTACT him or even interfere in their business let them get on with it. Allah will inshAllah let you see justice even if it takes a while, these kinds of people will get what they deserve.
As-salamu alaykum and Jazak Allahu Khayr for your reply.
I agree that these days some people are lacking morals, compassion, etc. Surprising how some people can hurt others so easily and live their lives happily. I, for one, fear Allah's wrath if I hurt anyone and if I do unintentionally hurt them, I will be the first to say sorry if they approach me with their concerns. I am not perfect and I am human, but I know this much, Allah sees everything. Jazak Allahu Khayr for your kinds words.
Asalam Allalaikum,
I was in a similar situation where my ex fiancée also cancelled on our wedding - quite abruptly and out of the blue. With little room for discussion, she decided to end it over a small argument.
Like all above, it is better to be with someone who is confident in you and will be connected to you firmly, instead of being shaken and fleeing after a small argument.
InshAllah, may, you, I, and those who are seeking to fulfill their other half of their deen fight the right spouses that will allow us to be successful in deen, duniya, and akhirah.