Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He judges me about my past.

 

 

Muslim woman praying

 

A long time ago I lived a life of sex and alcohol, then one day I stopped completely after turning to God in repentance. I now pray 5 times a day and live a good, clean and honest life. I hate remembering my past, and I have blocked it all out. One day I confided in my best friend about my horrible past.

A few years later, we got married. He always says he loves me but now he uses my past against me, and he always brings it up. He makes me feel disgusting about myself. He says that he is hurt by my past. I tell him I'm sorry about my past and I am not this person now. He will never let this go. I am so unhappy with him now and although he is my husband, he keeps pushing me away from him with his harsh words so that when it comes to intimacy with him, I feel so uncomfortable and dirty. What can I do now? I do love him, but hate how he is destroying us. Just to add to my pain, I'm due to have our first child next month.

-repententMuslim


Tagged as: , , , ,

13 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    I don't have any suggestions for you but I do sympathise and I hope things get better for you ia.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    take care and best of luck

    hugs

  2. Your friend knew about your past before he married you. Stop saying sorry, he knew about your past. He may have a past some what like you too. If he truly loves you, he should not be making you unhappy. Are there intimacy problems?

    • Salaams,

      SVS, I notice many of your responses to posts allude to something about sexuality. Here you are asking if there are intimacy issues, as though it were relevant. Other times you've suggested that husbands referenced by the OP were struggling with impotency, when it was not a main problem in the original query. Also, you've made judgments that someone may be acting in a sexually sinful way.

      I'm not sure why you're doing this, but I think you need to take more care not to introduce aspects that have nothing to do with what the posters are writing about. There are plenty of posts about masturbation, zina, impotence and the like for you to comment on, if necessary. But besides those, please refrain from alluding to or bringing up sex when answering posts.

      Thank you.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Let your husband own his own feelings--he is in control of them, not you. Your husband knew your past, was your best friend and then married you. It seems that you have not held any information back and without anything hidden, he took the decision to marry you. Frankly, if he had a problem with it, he shouldn't have married you OR now that he has married you, he should not be repeating negative events from the past. This is precisely why, as Muslim men and women, we are supposed to conceal our sins. There is no benefit that comes from sharing this information--but of course, if a man/woman would not accept someone with a past, they should make it crystal clear to avoid these situations.

    Without crying and being angry, talk with your husband about what you want the future to be like and how you do not want to discuss the past again. Tell him that he chose to marry you and he had full knowledge of that choice. Do not apologize again and again for what has happened to him - tell him that you are sincere in your repentance and want to move on. Share with him things that inspire your, make you feel good about him and yourself and tell him about the good things you want to focus on in life.

    After that, he has to make a choice. If he continues - counselling is always an option. I am sorry that you are going through this, but I am very happy that you left the life you did behind you--May Allah bring love, peace and joy between you and your husband so that you both may be a mercy for one another, Ameen.

  4. Just don't react to your husbands comments about your past. Just smile and say thank you.

  5. Salaams

    Really sorry to hear about your pain/problem.

    You need to have the right knowledge to overcome this challenge.

    1. Remember that all humans are selfish creatures. That is why we have been given religion to improve our lot.

    2. We cannot see our own faults but happily scream about the faults of others

    3. This is a natural tendency in all humans - sometimes it increases and sometimes it decreases

    4. In other words, your husband is not acting unnaturally, he is however being harsh

    5. Now the hard fact, when a man seeks to win over a woman, it is mainly driven by sex desire. During the course of 'winning over' he will almost overlook anything to get that woman - recently a person I know left his wife of 20 years to marry a east european stripper.

    6. But when he has got that woman, had intercourse with her, there is no more conquest or challenge, things can start to go down hill because he is no longer propelled by his desire to have sex with her

    7. So do not let his harsh words hurt you. Sadly this is the behavior of men in this world (I am also a man) and it should ease your pain to know that what he is doing is not particularly vindictive to you but a generally true for many men.

    8. To overcome the situation, do not react to him. So do not be harsh to him or fight with him. Just try to ignore (tolerate) his harsh words.

    9. If possible, and when the moment permits, very gently remind him (be careful its not seen as an accusation) that his words and actions can be (do not accuse) hurtful at times - be careful in your choice of occasion and words used. Also do not push the point because he will most probably not see your point at first, and leave it for him to ponder over instead of trying to prove it.

    10. Focus on your baby. He/She is your salvation. By bringing up the baby in the right way you will have redeemd yourself.

    I wish you strength and pray for you.

    Ben

  6. Sister,

    Sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what his actions are doing to you and your marriage. Your past was no secret to him when he asked you to marry him. What is the point of bringing up your past and rehashing it now? You have repented sister for your past sins so leave it at that. You are going to have this child soon so all I can say is, shame on him. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. For your husband to keep digging up what is already buried is just stupid. He needs to leave the past in the past, grow up and move on. May Allah bless you both with a healthy and happy child and may the birth of your child bring the two of you closer together.

    Salam

    • its may be he made a mistake or something. once i was reading here i think. this bother when he hard from his wife about her past he was asking hes thinking to divorce her. now i want to tell every one. this is something no Muslim man/woman can take. im sure no woman would like to share their husband. so we got smaller situation here. no Muslim man want a wife with past. so for the sister and ever one else don't ever open ur sin to anyone. we are told to hide our sin. ALLAH has said this in the Quran a person with past should marry another person who also has pasted. this has been made haram. but if a guy ask when he is marrying then she can not lie. she could tell her parents that she doesn't accept him. to keep her past hidden. but if a guy doesn't ask then she is lucky and never ever should open her past.

      • Abdula: but if a guy ask when he is marrying then she can not lie. she could tell her parents that she doesn't accept him. to keep her past hidden. but if a guy doesn't ask then she is lucky and never ever should open her past.

        in real life how many people tell the truth about their sex lives to their potential spouses. A lot of people cheat even after marriage if they get a chance to do it

        it is very easy to tell others not to lie, but do people apply this advice when it comes to their own life.

  7. If your sins are hidden..please let them remain so. This should only be between Allah and yourself.

  8. As salamu alaykum,

    There is a beautiful dua you can recite everytime you feel touched by your husband´s harshness, insha´Allah, it will help you.

    "Hasbunallahu Wa Ni’mal Wakeel." (Allah is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs for us. What an Excellent Guardian and Protector He is! )

    Please, others have told you already, but I will tell you again if you don´t mind, don´t answer back when he is harsh to you, let him say the last word, not even look at him and if you do, search in your heart for the love you felt for him once and let it flow towards him. When someone that are supposed to love us, hurt us, we should be able to forgive, because this is the only way to release the shadows that are joining us together, the shadows melt in contact to unconditional love and forgiveness.Having a baby together, please, at least, give it a try, to raise your baby in a healthy, loving enviroment, insha´allah.

    My unconditional Love,

    María M

  9. I wished to share a few things with you that you may share with your husband as well, inn shaa Allah:

    “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.”
    - Umar bin Al Khattab RA , Book of Salaf

    "For you to shame your brother for a sin that he has repented from is an even GREATER sin."
    -Ibn Qayyim

    How Sins Can Lead To Jannah, & Good Deeds Can Lead To Hell
    Ibn al-Qayyim (rahimahullâh) said:
    One of the Salaf (Pious Predecessors) said:
    “Indeed a servant commits a sin by which he enters Paradise; and another does a good deed by which he enters the Fire.”
    It was asked: “How is that?“
    So he replied:
    “The one who committed the sin, constantly thinks about it; which causes him to fear it, regret it, weep over it and feel ashamed in front of his Lord the Most High – due to it. He stands before Allâh, broken-hearted and with his head lowered in humility.
    So this sin is more beneficial to him than doing many acts of obedience, since it caused him to have humility and humbleness – which leads to the servant’s happiness and success – to the extent that this sin becomes the cause for him entering Paradise.
    As for the doer of good, then he does not consider this good a favour from his Lord upon him. Rather, he becomes arrogant and amazed with himself, saying: I have achieved such and such, and such and such. So this further increases him in self-adulation, pride and arrogance – such that this becomes the cause for his destruction.”
    [Al-Wâbilus-Sayib minal-Kalimit-Tayyib, p.15]

  10. you should tell him why did he marry you when he knew it. so for now tell him to fight for his marriage to be saved. as the shytan try to break the marriage. nothing please shytan more than divorce. which is why ALLAH said in the Quran ALLAH HIMSELF hate divorce so much although it has been made halal. i would advice him to move on and forget as he has made mistake. tell him to make his feature batter from the past not worse.

Leave a Response