Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Just trying to be happy :(


I just went through a breakup of a 5-year relationship. I know it's not accepted in Islam. Furthermore, during those years, I have sinned a lot while being in the relationship. The ex left me suddenly, just one week after talking about marriage plans. For two months I was left to question him and myself why it was happening suddenly. During that period, he just started university as well. He said he wanted to focus on school, which then later led on to him saying that Β doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

I just found out yesterday, that he is already seeing another girl from his school. The girl is sweet and wears a hijab, I believe she is a nice Muslim girl.

However for me, I have yet to don the hijab. Insha'allah I will someday soon.

I know Allah is testing me as of right now. I prayed the Istikhara, seeking Him to show me to the right path, and whether I should hang on to him or fully let go (this was before I found out he is seeing someone else). Also the Hajaat prayers, hoping he will come back.

The truth revealed itself yesterday when he confessed. Allah has indeed showed me the path, which is to let him go... and He is not answering to my request of bringing him back to me.

In a good way, all these events has brought me closer to Allah, and I am thankful for that. Only Allah knows how much emotional pain I am in, and I know with every hardship comes ease. I have to have faith & trust in Him, but it is so difficult and I find myself breaking down sometimes.

Is this Allah's sign to tell me that the ex is not good enough for me, and that if I stayed on, I will be suffering? I am thinking that way, but the fact that he has moved on with a good girl so quickly hurts me a lot. Oh, the ironic thing was that he mentioned he wanted to strengthen his religion too, umm, he shouldn't be dating someone else if he wants to do that, right?

I just feel so devastated because he left me for someone who is better in the religion (or so I think). I don't know if this is a punishment for me, but why isn't he punished too? Maybe, his time to be tested has not arrived for him.... πŸ™

I just want to be happy again because I'm so tired of being in misery and at times I will read dua to calm myself...

- kayla

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12 Responses »

  1. Dear Kayla,

    Its been some time since you submitted your query, so I hope you are feeling a little better now inshaAllah. I replied to a sister a week or so ago and her story was very similar to yours. I want you to read what I wrote to her because I think the same applies to you too very much.

    Click on this link:

    The way this man treated you is not nice at all, but Kayla - when we put ourselves in situations like boyfriend/girlfriend type relationships, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable by breaking all the safety barriers that Allah has provided us.

    I know you are feeling 'low' - because you think that this man has moved on with a 'sweet good muslim' girl and you feel this implies that you were not good enough in your character and religion. Kayla - this man is not your judge; how can he be when he is also human and is also accountable for his own sins. Only Allah(swt) is our Judge. So do not worry about what this man thinks; do not waste anymore time on him. He may have been genuine when he said he wanted to better himself in his religion; however that does not justify his behaviour towards you at all. So do not dwell on what he is doing with himself now.

    As far as punishment goes, you do not know if this man is heading towards good or bad. Only Allah knows. We all get what we deserve in some form or the other Sister - in this life or in the next. Allah says in Surah Al Baqarah: "And fear the Day when ye shall be brought back to Allah. Then shall every soul be paid what it earned, and none shall be dealt with unjustly." So ask Allah for good for yourself and for everyone and do sincere tawbah for your sins. If all you can wish for this man is that he be 'punished', then I will advise you to be patient and to say nothing for him. This is because Sister, you have both wronged yourselves more than you have wronged each other by disobeying Allah. So focus on this more as this is the reality.

    I know you are feeling bitter and revengeful - but if this situation and feeling has also provoked you to assess your own character and level of deen, then Alhumdulillah Kayla. Sometimes a very hurtful situation can occur making you feel bitter, but it can end up bearing very sweet fruit. So strive to better yourself for the sake of Allah. Be grateful that He(swt) has stopped you from contiuning to sin - do tawbah, ask Allah to improve your character and take the steps towards doing so too.

    Time, patience and seeking help from Allah are great healers and Allah will forgive you if you make sincere tawbah - He(swt) has promised so in the Quran.

    May Allah forgive you your sins and make this easy for you - Aameen,

    (Read my reply on the link above, inshaAllah it will help you)

  2. assalamualaikum wbt sister Kayla,
    Remember always that Allah loves you. He is al ghafur, all Forgiving and All please do not give up hope as that is one of the greatest trap of syaitan, to divert us from the truth. the true love is only Allah.

    in Islam, there is always a best solution to our problems including boys n girls relationship. in Islam, the truth is clear from error. No Muslims including that ex of yours should use a pure action such as getting closer to the deen as a justification to do haram things such as dating etc...actions and intentions both go hand in hand. There is no such thing as 'islamic couple'. the alternative that He has set for us is marriage. correct and improve ourselves first, and insya Allah He will give you a loving and a true muslim as your rightful husband, He has promised in the quran that 'pious women are for pious men and vise versa'...

    Make repentance and always believe that the door to repentance is always open. Dont let anybody put you down. who are we to judge others, no one has the right to say that you are a bad Muslim. a true Muslim will only see goodness in others and reflect at his or her own weaknesses. Only Allah has the right to judge you.

    your only duty as a Muslim is to live your live in accordance to quran and sunnah. life is a test and whatever happens to you, whether good or bad, please do not think of them as a punishment from Allah..please..He is testing us and remember in surah Baqarah Allah mentions that 'He will not burden you beyond your capability'. for human beings, we could not appreciate light without darkness, happiness without sadness, health without sickness.

    dear, take things positively.
    may Allah give us the courage and sincerity to do good in our TRUE pursuit for the EVERLASTING happiness- PARADISE.

    Love and Salam from your sister,

  3. Dear sisters,

    Alhamdullilah, thank you from the bottom of my heart, for both of your replies. I really appreciate it and your meaningful advice has brought happy tears to me. Although I do not know both of you, your kind words has brought a lot of comfort to my heart and has made me a whole load better =) Thank you dear sisters.

    In a way, I am feeling much better. Subhaanallah, Allah is Great. I discovered many dark secrets I never knew ever since I found out he is dating the hijab girl. Allah (swt) has revealed the truth. The day after I posted the entry above, I somehow found out that he has been cheating on me for awhile before the breakup. The girl whom he went out with contacted me, and told me everything. She didn't know about me then. He broke up with this girl after one month into their relationship, and I guess that is when he found the hijab girl.

    The reason why this girl contacted me was because she knew from one of our mutual friends that I was not moving on and still had hopes for him. So she decided to tell me the truth, to force me to move on and that this man is not worth it at all.

    When I heard all that, I had mixed emotions regret, betrayal, and thankfulness at the same time for He (swt) has called upon the truth to be revealed to me. I quickly prayed after that to control my anger, seeking forgiveness from Him (swt) and cried continuously. I know in Islam that when you hear bad things about someone, you should verify it. There was no way I could verify it with him at that point of time, but from the stories she told me, it did make sense, and the pieces of the puzzle fit together perfectly. Also I was told, she was not the only girl. There were other girls too, whom, I do not know if he went out with those girls before or after the breakup.

    Ever since then, I didn't break down as much anymore. Even if I do, it is because I miss the old him. I do not know what made him change suddenly to become someone I don't know anymore. But the truth has proven why this man is not for me. I kept thanking Him (swt) in my prayers for showing me the light. Alhamdullilah...

    The ex boyfriend contacted me recently, saying I may have tarnished his name. My bad was to tell some of my close girl friends and family members what he has done to me, I know it is bad to spread other people's sins πŸ™

    I explained to him how I found out and how hurtful I was. He said it was true and he did that because he stopped loving me and he wasn't happy. He apologised for it and he understands that there may be retribution for him. I told him to repent for what he has done and to seek forgiveness from Allah, which is what he ought to do if he was really sincere in strengthening his religion.

    I have to admit that it is difficult for me to forgive him, but if Allah can forgive, why not me? I guess I am on the road to forgiving him...

    However in the eyes of Islam, is it healthy/encouraged to still be normal friends with him? I have deleted him off Facebook for my own benefit, so that I will not come across any photos of him with his possibly new girlfriend and hurt myself again. I told him I will add him back once I've fully moved on.
    Does forgiving the person means to be friends with the person again, on a clean slate?
    Or is it more advisable to ignore him and shun him out of my life?

    Once again, thank you to both of you. I know you have many posts to reply to, and yet you still have the patience to read and advice us accordingly.

    To SisterZ: I read your reply to Keara. It was enlightening, and it made me cry too - more of happy tears =)

    To seekthertruth: Your words of encouragement really inspires me. Surely there's light at the end of every tunnel.

    May Allah bless the both of you..

    much love,

  4. assalamualaikum w.b.t sister,
    sorry for the late reply..
    hope you are doing well..:-)
    alhamdulillah sister Allah has placed into your heart the desire to know what Allah really wants from u..
    that u ask these types of questions...
    with regards to your questions, in my understanding
    it is the duty for all muslims to abstain from zina whether male or female.
    in the Quran,.Allah did not say 'do not commit zina' but He mentioned 'do not come close to zina'..
    we have to safeguard and protect ourselves from things that may lead to the act of zina itself..which includes the unnecessary mixing btween male and female (non mahram)..

    i undrstnd that its difficult as i myself am currently studying in a non islamic environment, where its considered 'normal' for people to mix regardless of their gender..
    but the truth is: 'just coz something is considered normal, doesnt make it the truth'
    as for myself, i try my best to communicate with them only on necessary matters and within the boundaries that is allowed by Islam..
    hope you get what i mean..

    i've noticed some of my muslim girlfriends use the excuse of not wanting to hurt their male friends' feelings if they stop contacting them..or to give 'dawah' to both the non muslims and muslims brothers
    but think again..which one is our priority..Allah's perception or our male friends(including the society at large)??
    are our actions in accordance to the quran n sunnah?

    try and do your best to prevent from unnecessary contact with the opposite sex..
    ask Allah to guide you and ease your journey in knowledge of the true Islam..
    learn and you will be guided insya Allah!!
    insya Allah you will know and see the truth from the dark...

    please listen to these's the links:
    hope this will benefit you as it has done for me..:-)

    if u have any problem please do post them, insya Allah your muslim sisters and brothers r always there 4 u!!
    it's always good to share your problems with other muslims who r actually dealing with the same issues in their lives!!lol...
    know that u r not alone facing with these kinds of dilemmas..

    Love for the sake of Allah,

    • Dear sister,

      Thank you so much for your reply. Alhamdullilah, up till today, I've managed to refrain myself from contacting him. He has stopped contacting me too, and I am not sure if he is shutting me out of his life because he has this idea that I am telling everyone about the bad things he has done to me and that he does not want to have anything to do with me anymore. Sometimes I feel, that he hates me for doing nothing wrong...

      I know I shouldn't be bothered by it, since his perception means nothing and that it's eventually between me and Allah. While I feel myself distancing away from my ex and getting stronger each day by bringing myself closer to Allah, I can't deny that there are times when the memories haunt me again, leaving me feeling bad about myself all over again. Of course when this happens, I quickly remind myself that Allah did this cos it's for my own good! I guess it's natural for this to happen during the healing process.

      It is bothering me too that he seemed to be unaffected over what he had done. Maybe he has changed to be a better person, I don't know, it's between him and Allah.

      While it is good to refrain from unnecessary contact with him, would it be advisable for me to just let him know that I have forgiven him, so that he would stop thinking/assuming that I hate him? I cannot bring myself to hate him and I do not wish to bear any grudges either cos it's just unhealthy. Friends or not, it doesn't matter but I just hope for the matter to close on good terms, despite the horrible stuff he had done. To him, this whole issue may be "over and done with" & that he's happily moving on while I'm still healing.

      I don't know, I just can't seem to heal properly without letting the person know that I've forgiven him & that I don't bear any more grudges. Or are these thoughts just my mind playing around with me?
      Or perhaps it would be good for me to just keep silent, confide in Allah about it, and leave everything up to Him?

      I hope you/others out there can help me out with this. I'm just still confused sometimes, one moment I'll be fine, and the next moment I'll just feel down again.

      Thank you and may Allah bless you...

      with much love,

      ps: thank u for the videos, it is so true :))

      • Dear Kayla,

        If you have truly forgiven him, it will not bother you whether he seems affected or unaffected by anything. What if you let him know you have forgiven him and then he responds with foul hurtful words? You will be left with fresh wounds again when the old ones have still not healed. Sister, leave him be. I can assure you, with Allah's Will, he will realise his wrong doings at some point in his life, whether this is now or later, maybe you will come to know of it, maybe you will not. Either way, your betterment is in consoling yourself without contacting him.

        I can sense you are itching for some contact with him, you want him to apologise or do or say something to make you feel better. Right now I do not think you will get anything positive from him. Right now he will be busy justifyng his actions to himself and may not want to hear from you.

        You have a good heart Kayla, which is why you are worried about this person thinking you hate him - but this is and should not be your concern anymore. You are right, it is not good to hold grudges, but really and honestly - you do not need to contact him. You can let go of any agro towards him in your heart and you will know that you are truly over him and have forgiven him when you find yourself praying to Allah to forgive this person and to give him true emaan.

        If the situation ever arises where this person makes contact with you again, then tell him simply that you have forgiven him (minus the 'I miss you' and catching up on lovey dovey talk bit). Once you have forgiven him, do not ever mention his wrong doings again, unless you are trying to help someone esle - otherwise this is not true forgiveness on your behalf.

        If you are having mood swings, that is completely normal. Sometimes you will hate him, sometimes you will miss him, sometimes you will remember your love for him, sometimes you will be completely fine and will realise that a few minutes have passed without you thinking about him.

        Kayla - you have been strong so far by not contacting this person. Seek help from Allah to keep you strong and try to busy yourself with something that pleases Allah. This is a test for you and a very difficult time, so the more you persevere in restraining your desire to contact this person, the more Allah will reward you for your patience/sabr.

        I am glad that you wrote here as soon as you were feeling your emotions playing up again Kayla. I want you to feel comfortable to write in everytime you feel that way so we can do our best to help you stay strong by Allah's Will.

        Best Wishes


        • Dear SisterZ,

          Apologies for the late response and once again thank you so much for your reply! πŸ™‚ Honestly, when I first read this a month ago, it didn't quite make sense to me but nevertheless, I followed your advice. I didn't initiate contact with him at all and every time I have the urge to do so, I'd read your reply again.

          I never thought he'd ever contact me again, but he did. He wanted to return my things (yes I wanted them initially), but since he took awhile to revert, I told him that I don't need them anymore. He also sounded upset in his text, but like what you've advised me, I just told him that I've forgiven him. (no lovey-dovey talks involved!) πŸ™‚ He has stopped contacting me since then..

          You're right. Not having any contact with him speeds up my healing process. I'm not near 100% healed yet, but I'm definitely feeling better than I was back then. I'm so grateful that Allah has led me here, as an outlet for me to share my problems and having kind souls like you to help me out πŸ™‚

          I'm not sure if I've fully forgiven him either cos it still hurts to know that he's happily moved on while I'm still battling with own emotions, but Insya'allah, with His guidance, time and patience, I'll get past this phase eventually...

          Once again, thank you SisterZ, I'll be sure to write in again when my emotions are playing up...

          with much love,

        • Dear SisterZ,

          Hope you are having a fulfilling Ramadan so far πŸ™‚

          I just have a quick question to seek your advice on. My ex boyfriend has started contacting me more recently, to the extend of emailing me because I ignored his texts one night.
          Basically he was upset and angry that I haven't been bothered to contact him at all as friends and that it was always him contacting me. He said I was being selfish and for that, he wanted to return everything that I've given him back then right to my doorstep.

          I had to put a stop to it, so I called him and explained why I had to distance myself away and why I couldn't be friends with him for the time being. It took me a good half an hour before he finally understood me. Since then, he stopped texting me, but a week and a half later, he texted me again. I replied politely to his text and it ended there.
          There was no contact again until today, where I got myself emotionally bruised again. I made a mistake of falling into his trap when he asked if I do still think about him. Seeing that I was fasting and I didn't know to lie or not so I just replied that I'd be lying if I said no. He said that he still thinks about me sometimes too. That was when I 'confronted' him, saying that I thought he was already dating someone and shouldn't he be happy now. He replied saying that he is seeing someone and only Allah knows if he's happy.

          I didn't say much after that but I'm worried if he'll contact me again. I know that during fasting, you're not suppose to harbor any hate towards anyone, and to be more forgiving, but would it be wrong if I were to ignore him totally if he contacts me again? Although it has been 6 months since the breakup, I still feel I'm not entirely over him even though I'm definitely getting better. I don't wanna be hurt again and if I don't ignore him, I'm planning to tell him to leave me alone, and that it's still not possible for us to be friends...

          What are your thoughts on this? I feel I'm just too kind-hearted to break off ties with anyone at all :/

          Thanks again for reading this...May you be blessed for helping us out during this holy month πŸ™‚

          much love,

          • Kayla, Asalaamualaykum,

            Dear - this guy is playing you. He knows which buttons to press and he enjoys pressing them. He wants the cake and the cherry on top and the problem is, that he knows that you are still vulnerable enough to fall for his mind games.

            Whether it is Ramadan or any other month of the year, we should not be lying, more importantly we should not be having such conversations with non mahram men; so the question of you lying about your feelings to this man should not even arise. This man is nothing to you Kayla and I feel I should remind you that he was dating you, dumped you in an awful manner claiming you were not religious enough, is now seeing someone else and now when his hype of switching girl friends has calmed down, he is arrogant enough to start contacting you again with the pretence of wanting to be friends, further he is continuing to try and make you feel guilty for not contacting him or maintaining a friendship with him. So you are not worthy of being his wife, but you are worthy of being his bit on the side?

            Girl, wake up, one day when you are much stronger, you're going to kick yourself. You contacting him or responding to his calls/texts etc is your way of weaning yourself off him and he is gaining pleasure from hearing that you still miss him. It is natural for you to miss him at times, but keep that to yourself and don't tell him. He has all he wants in his bag at the moment, a new girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend who he knows he can still contact whenever he wishes and can still have romantic talks with.

            At the moment, it seems you are too weak in your eemaan to cut off ties with this person; I do not believe it is out of kindness. You still have feelings for him, hence you want to hear from him every now and then, but he is not good for you. By refraining from talking to him, you are making a sacrifice, do you not think Allah will pleased with you if you do this? Furthermore, there is no such thing as friendships between male and female in Islam; especially when you have both had such a past.

            If he was seriously sorry for the way he has treated you and wanted you back, he would apologise profusely, leave his current girlfriend, do sincere tawbah and take the halaal steps to marry you with no inbetween greyness. Alternatively, if he was seriously sorry for the way he treated you but still didnt want to marry you, he would cut contact with you as he would understand it is not right Islamically and further contact would only be difficult for you. However, he insists only on flirting, seeking romantic comfort and on exerting his control over you.


            Kayla, I am sorry if I sound harsh in my reply, but really - you must wake up for your own good and start using your time on something more conducive. This is 'that difficult time' which you need to use to turn to Allah and remove this bad apple from your life. Yes you think you had good times with him, but remind yourself that these seemingly good times were haraam and hence were actually bad times, they earned you nothing but the displeasure of Allah. I am sure he is not all bad, no-one is, but one must weigh up the good and bad in a person; this person's bad outweighed the good in your life.

            Only you can choose which path is best for you Kayla, but my advice is that this dilly dally-ing around your ex and hoping for some contact from him is going to delay your healing and if you continue on this path you will eventually fall back in to that sinful state. Thank Allah that you have come this far, don't spoil it now. Focus on Ramadan before it leaves us behind.


          • I forgot to add the following.

            Of course it is good to forgive, afterall we all want Allah to forgive us our sins, so we must be willing to show mercy to others too. So when you truly forgive this person, it means you will no longer harbour bitterness or anger towards him. It does not mean that must re-kindle a friendship with him, because this haraam anyway.


  5. Sister I thnk u still wanna stay in contact with him. Forget about everything and forget him. Plus did u warn the grl he's seeing now?! Tell her wat had happened to u and don't let her fall for his traps and become another victim. After u tell her about tat, make sure u tell her tat she didn't hear it from u, and cause more problems, just give her a friendly advice. It will b best for her. Just move on from him, and forget whatever had happen between u guys. Good luck.

    • Thank you so much for your advise...I'm not really sure who this girl is although I suspect it's still the same girl he met a few months ago. Even then, I've no means of contacting her and even if I do, I'm not certain I should do that. She may not believe me, unless of cos I show her his texts.
      Anyway, he might've told her another version of the story too. It's their relationship now, and who knows, maybe they are fated to be together :/

      I don't know, I've never really entirely cut ties off with any of my friends. Yes we may drift apart at some point in life. In this case, you're right. I still need to be away from him as I'm still healing. I can safely say that I was doing quite well moving on with life until he came around again, it just totally pulled me back down to square one!

      I've been praying to Allah to lead me the way, Insyallah, I'll be back on track again...I'm just not sure if I'll be doing the right thing to end my friendship with him altogether... :/

      Thank you once again sister,..& have a blessed Ramadan... πŸ™‚

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