Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Justice or leave to Allah?

Button against rape

Rape is a crime. It is never the fault of the victim.

Assalaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

Could my brothers and sisters on this site please advise me on what I should do with the following dilemma from an Islamic prospective.

To cut a very long story short I had an arranged marriage to a guy from Pakistan.  During this marriage which lasted a few years he was extremely violent physically and mentally tortured me.  He would rape me almost every night and wouldn't even leave me alone during periods or during the months of Ramadan.  He would swear at me calling me ugly and telling me I'm crazy.  He would often  make up false allegations that I stayed out all night and was an awful wife.  Which was completely untrue the reason he would do this was to belittle me and make it out that I wasn't worth keeping.  He beat me up during pregnancy and also after my baby was born.  Even removing my baby from me during feeding time so that I would heat up his food which I had already made.  I stayed patient thinking that things would get better but they never did.

I worked full time yet I was not allowed to spend my money.  He took my earnings and had accommodation built in Pakistan for his family buying cars ect.  If I said anything in my defence then I would be beaten.  The marriage ended when he had no need for me as he had got his permanent stay in the uk.  This is when he disposed of me with my baby threw me out of my house I jointly owned with him.  He left me financially ruined and with his debts.  I returned to my family completely broken.  It took me several years to pay of his debts and meanwhile he made sure that the property we owned was repossessed,  he didn't pay the mortgage and it went into arrears by a few thousand pounds.  Therefore the bank repossessed the property.

He then returned to Pakistan and remarried straightaway bought over his new wife.  Plus 3 generations of his family.  He had used me as a stepping stone to get permanent residency in the uk.  During the marriage he remortgage the property we jointly owned without my consent.  As he knew if he asked me I would never agree to it.  He forged my signature and got approximately £40,000 I didn't see a penny of this amount.  He used this money to bring over his entire family and start up several businesses.  Which are running successfully.

I have thought long and hard about involving the police.  As I can get him for signature fraud which will mean a jail term.  I do want justice for what he has put me through.  I sometimes become confused is this the right move or islamically should I leave it to Allah to do justice on the day of judgement.  Should I go through with the fraud and involve the police and get justice?

The other question I have is how do I get Allah to forgive me as he would rape me during the time of the month.  Am I also to blame for this and him breaking all my fasts? I often cry because I just don't know what to do.

Please my brothers & sisters help me with my questions.  Thank you for reading my post.  May Allah reward you all Ameen

tearful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    I am sorry to hear about the pain and suffering you have gone through at the hands of someone who was supposed to love, cherish and protect you. May Allah guide you and keep you and your child safe from any further harm.

    It appears your husband is a manipulator, liar and a thief. Now that you are in a safe environment with your family, this man can no longer hurt you. You need to make him accountable for his actions. Under no circumstances should you just brush off what this man has done to you.

    I would advise you to visit the local immigration authorities and make them fully aware of how your husband used you to come to the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, this happens more often than you may think. Are you legally divorced? If not, he is committing polygamy which is illegal according to the laws of the U.K. and is punishable by law.

    Should you go to the police? Absolutely. This man forged your signature in order to sell your home and stole money that was legally yours. Please do not stay silent about this. This man needs to be held accountable for his theft and deception.

    May Allah guide you, may he help you to stay strong so that you can seek justice in all of this for you and your child. Allah hu alem.

    Salam

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    I agree with Najah's advice. It is entirely appropriate that this man should be held accountable for his actions. I'd just like to add that what he did is on him alone - you are not to blame for any of the abuse you suffered.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. Thank you sister najah and midnightmoon for your response

    It's been several years since we have been divorced. This man and his family continue to harass me as they know where I live alone with my daughter. I am scared if I was to go to the police what would be the backlash that I will receive at the hands of these people. I am looking to move should I wait till I have moved? This guy gave me the English divorce through the court before he bough over his new wife.

    This guy sent me divorces during pregnancy one after the other. At the hands of this guy and his family I have really suffered and even today I have a deep scar on my lower back resulting from rape. I have Alhamdulillah moved on with my life thanks to my daughter. This guy has not paid a penny towards his daughter in child support even though he is earning and has many businesses. They moved on to my street to harass me swear at me and intimidate me for several months. I got the police involved and they finally moved. I know that they will come after me once I proceed with this fraud.

    Thank you so much for helping me to make a clearer decision

    x

  4. Walikumsallam sister,

    Dont stay silent. Tell police he shuold be punished in this dunya and hereafter. What he did was complitly unbareble. His acts were acts of shaytan he shold be punished. Im surpried to know why did u even suffered all that pain from him?? Why didnt u report the police along time ago. I mean before he got his permenant visa.. anyways. Whts done is done now. May allah reward u and help u with ur life.

    Dont let him be happy after making ur and ur doughters life misrable. He shold pay for his evil acts.

  5. Thank you broken hearted sorry I'm not sure if you are a sister or brother

    I guess I stayed in the marriage as I didn't want to be a failure and that marriage is supposed to be for life. The worst thing was that on the evening of the wedding he told me that he had married me for a visa. I was shocked but I thought I would be patient but that was a red flag. You see because of the domestic violence he wouldn't let me leave and isolated me from family and friends. Making me feel that I was nothing without him.

    Yes I agree with you that I should make him pay for what he has done to me. While he now lives a life of luxury enjoying life with all of his family and I try and make ends meet for my daughter and i.

    Thank you so much for your advise I really appreciate it

  6. Assalamualaykum Sister,

    I believe you have gotten great advice here. Your question is full of wisdom. You will get justice whether Allah gives it to him through you, something else, or saves it for the afterlife.

    I think the decision comes down to how much energy you feel you have to give to this situation. If you still have a lot left in you, and anger/betrayal can certainly give us enough as you know, then you could take all measures necessary to expose and get justice for this guy, and also get financial recompense for yourself and your child where it is due. Contact the authorities. Contact a legal advisor, etc. Communicate with him only through these parties.

    To avoid retaliation and the harassment you have been experiencing, and if you want to minimize emotional and physical energy spent on this man, you could consider getting a protective order for yourself so that he is not allowed to contact you or come within a certain distance of you (you would also not be allowed to contact him). Depending on where you live and the terms of the order, if he violates it, he will most likely be going to jail. Without any communication from him, you will be able to heal and pick up the pieces of your life Inshallah.

    The unpopular advice would be to do "nothing," I suppose, and just ignore him from now on, hoping that he will get the picture that you want nothing to do with him, but unless someone has been in your position, they wouldn't know that in your situation, you shouldn't be judged for any choice you make. Something tells me that he could try to make a case for partial custody of the child if he really wanted to or if he gets angry, custody that he shouldn't be given, of course.

    Please do whatever speaks to your heart the most, sister.

    Allah knows best.

    Hugs

  7. Asselamealekum brothers and sisters,

    I am a revert Muslim. I make Nikah very recently. My spouse and me are students in abroad being far from home country. we completed our nikah through our representatives as she lives in Istanbul, and I am in USA. After the nikah I wanted to meet with her by going to Istanbul but she refused. She said to me because we both are students, until we start living together, we shouldn't sleep together. Is this decision of her Islamic?

    • ABCD,

      You are husband and wife now. So religiously speaking you can sleep together. However if this is something that she told you before nikkah that she does not want this until studies are completed then you should respect her wishes. But if this is something which was not discussed before nikkah then I think she shouldnt outrightly refuse you.

      Also you should try to understand her concerns and anxiety. Probably she does not want to become mother until her studies are completed. May be she wants to take things bit by bit.

      Either way it's best to find a middle ground to this - where both of you are fairly happy with the outcome.

      Wish you a happy marriage life with great amount of patience, aameen.

      ---
      Your sister, Me

  8. Dear Tearful sis,

    Hope you are well.

    I personally think if day and night your past situation is bothering you and not leaving you at peace then I think you should report every damage your ex husband has caused you (and your daughter). I don't think I will be at peace - rape and taking away my property.

    Also be very cautious that filing a case against him doesn't backfire on you where you lose your daughter due to authorities believing your mental health is not stable to care of a child. But you have to tell them that nothing is wrong with you and you are in totally good and stable position to stand up for myself and daughter and get justice from that criminal.

    If you chose to report then also bear in mind there will be a lot investigation and questioning which will be done on you first before they approach your ex.

    Make sure you have all your dates written down on piece of paper and what harm your ex caused you at what point and how he caused you and what negative mental and emotional impact it caused you. You may need all your doctors/hospital appointment dates, marriage date, pictures, basically you will need prove after prove and justification after justification.

    Once the authorities has all the required documenation and answers from you only then they will charge your ex husband.

    Remember one of the questions the authorities will say that you knew about his intention of visa and yet you did not stop this relationship, why? They may even charge you for this passive decision of yours. I am not a lawyer but I am sure, case workers asks a lot of questions.

    I really hope you get your justice from this coward and horrible being who is living a luxury life at your emotional expense.

    Love,
    Your sister, Me
    Xx

  9. Assalamu Alaikum sister nor

    Thank you for your very kind response sister. Yes alhamdulillah i have been given very good advise from everyone on this site and am so very grateful. I have been thinking about reporting him to the police for a few months now and this is why i turned to my brother's and sister's on this site to guide me. Should i also do istikara and ask for Allah's guidance too? I do want justice for everything this guy has put me through financially ruining me and with all the emotional and physical pain he has put me through. You are right do i have the energy to do so? because once i approach the fraud people then there is no going back. He thinks i am still that same person whom he married years ago i was quiet and took everything he did to me. But now them same hardships i endured has made me a stronger person,

    He won't go for custody of his daughter as he asked me to abort her. He has not seen her since he left when she was a baby and she is now 15 now. He's has children with his new wife and is showing off his business ventures with the same arrogance he always had thinking he is better then anyone else.

    I appreciate all your comments

    x

  10. Dear sister me

    Alhamdulillah i am fine thank you and how are you sister?

    Thank you so much for all the points that you raised. If and when i go the police i have evidence of letters showing that the signature on the remortgage application was not mine. I have collected all this information plus emails from him and his family threatening me. But unfortunately when i was with him i tried to report the rape but the police didn't take me seriously and i never told anyone except my sister. As i was really embarrassed but once we got divorced we did go to court but unfortunately the cps felt there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute him as i didn't tell anyone.

    I tried to stop him getting a permanent stay but he was very clever. Plus at that time i was going through a lot of domestic violence and i tried to commit suicide but alhamdulillah i didn't go through with it. This guy then quickly applied for his british passport and his permanent stay. He originally came to the uk on the pretence of asylum.

    Unfortunately without evidence you have nothing except your word against their's. I do have a lot of information to do with the actual forgery.

    There is a lot more that this guy did to me during the time i was with him.

    He has bought over his mum dad brothers and sister's and bro in law's from pakistan and set them up with businesses too by using me and ruining my life and my daughter's too.

    tears xx

  11. Wallaikumasalam Tears,

    You are very welcome, and thank you as well sister.

    It's very disturbing that the police didn't take you seriously. It sounds like the police need to be reported as well! To the Commissioner's Office! Also, 15 years is a long time. During this time, I'm wondering if you were able to keep your mind off of this at all, or if you have periods of "YOU time" and healing alternating with periods of pain...because that could make a difference in how you respond to this, I believe.

    As far as whether you should pray Salat Al-Istikhara or not...firstly, I think that prayer is a wonderful gift to us, and I'm glad to hear you are considering it.

    I see it as a prayer that, to be genuine, you either say when you are completely confused and have absolutely no idea what to do and are confident Allah will make the best decision for you OR you have a pretty good idea or an inkling of what you want to do but want Allah's final decision and blessing in it. However, I've also heard someone advise to say it for every decision one makes! One thing's for sure: If you say it, you should be ready to have something be very much in the hands of Allah, because in my experience, it will be! The Prophet pbuh said that one who says Istikhara will never regret it.

    To me, it sounds like you pretty much have a decision made, so if you pray Salat Al-Istikhara, it will either make that feeling stronger in your heart, or provide you with a solution that gives even more rest to your heart or is better for you.

    Allah knows best.

    Salam Tears

  12. I think sister Nor is spot on. Seek out legal assistance. Speak to authorities and let them know that you fear for the safety of you and your child against your ex husband and this family. Additionally, one thing that Nor brought up that I failed to mention is that your husband has a legal obligation to financially help support your child...his child. Just because a marriage ends for whatever reason, a parent does not have the right to simply walk away. Your child has needs. Medical, dental, clothing, food and on and on. That responsibility does not fall on your shoulders alone unless...you allow it.

    I hope you are able to find resources within your community to help you. Good luck to you in your endeavors to right the injustices that have been done to you.

    Salam

  13. Assalamu Alaikum sister najha and sister nor

    Sorry for delay in replying back

    I hope that you have a lovely Eid

    Yes the police didn't take me seriously and this is why I lost faith in the police. I just wished they had listened to me about the rape and forgery. Yes it has been a very long time and I do go through periods of depression self hate and guilt. For allowing this man to use and abuse me for 7 years of marriage. I am seeing a counsellor and on anti depressants. I try hard every day to carry on with a smile on my face for my daughters sake. Most importantly with the help of Allah (swt) . I have sister made the decision to go after justice but I'm constantly still second guessing myself. I know deep I need to do this InshaAllah.

    He has never paid anything towards his daughter at all. The worst things is that he is working and has many businesses and his children are in private school. Whilst I am struggling but Alhamdulillah I am still grateful to Allah (swt). Child support agency tell me that they can't take money off him as he is on benefits. They tell me to report him to benefit fraud but nothing happens.

    InshaAllah I hope to make the call to fraud squad in the next few days and take it from there. Please sister keep me in your dua's that I am successful in getting him to face justice Ameen.

    Thank you for being here for me and your valuable advise and look forward to hearing back from you sisters.

    Your sister tears x

  14. Wallaykumassalaam Sister tears/tearfulsoul,

    May Allah bless you. I wish you a Beautiful Eid as well.

    I will make dua for you in the next few days. Stay strong sister.

    It must be a pretty corrupt system for him to be on benefits when he owns several businesses and is sending his kids to private school. That or, more likely, he is incredibly deceitful. I am so sorry that your daughter has not gotten the support she deserves. Please remember though, that Allah is her protector and that she is in a much better situation being with you, even without the child support, than she would be living with him. This is very important, and please remind yourself of this whenever you feel down.

    Also, remember that Allah the most High is above the police.
    .
    I am so glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself with the therapy and anti-depressants. You deserve to feel as strong and positive as possible as you go through this test. Allah is with you and loves you very much. Inshallah you will be rewarded tremendously for your patience, and Allah the Greatest is preparing something much better for you in life.

    May Allah bless you with his solution, relief, and abundant comfort.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • Thank you for your prompt reply dear sister nor

      Alhamdulillah had a nice Eid

      Your absolutely right sister this guy is extremely conniving and has managed so far to get away with a lot. There is nothing stopping him at the moment and I know once I make that call then he will be investigated along with his family members.

      I have contacted the agencies but he still manages to get away with everything. I am thankful to Allah that I have nothing to do with him and more so that my daughter has nothing to do with him. If he could hit me during pregnancy what would have stopped him from hitting her now. I thank Allah everyday that this monster is out of my life. He even said to me when the marriage was over that 'if a girl grows up without a father then she becomes a prostitute' astagfurillah. You can see what type of an evil person this man is.

      We are encouraged in Islam to forgive but I find it so hard to forgive him. Am I in the wrong for not forgiving him? Bcz this is only a few facts that I have covered in my original post. There's a lot more this guy did to me and far worse. He would bite my finger so hard until I screamed in pain. It was as if he enjoyed causing me physical pain.

      All I had was sabar and I still keep patient knowing that Allah is with me.

      tears x

      • Sister tearfulsoul,

        You are very welcome.

        As far as forgiving this guy, Allah knows your current ability to do so and the reasons behind it. If you are concerned about your not being able to forgive, I would pray the Salat-ul-Hajat, 2 rakahs (prayer for a need), asking Allah to help you forgive him, because as most people will tell you, forgiveness is more for ourselves....it helps us maintain our energy, use it in more productive ways, and move on. If on the other hand, the person continues to act a certain way and you either experience it or know of it, it becomes very hard and near impossible to forgive...it must be a daily act of forgiveness in that case. Alhamduliillah Allah gives some people this ability when it's necessary, and in other cases, relieves them of the burden in other ways.

        It could also be that your not being able to forgive is serving some kind of purpose....only Allah knows his wisdom.

        If I were you, I would either continue to seek justice, or I would avoid anything and everything that reminds you of him. In the latter case, do not look him up on the internet or read anything about him, do not ask anyone what he's up to, do not sit for long periods thinking about him unless you feel it is part of the grieving process for you, etc. After some more time, Inshallah, you will be relieved of the burden. Or, when it gets too difficult to bear, Allah himself will remove it, as another sister pointed out so eloquently in a different thread on abuse.

        May Allah give you your justice one way or the other (or yet another!) and relieve this burden so that you can realize yourself in life.

        Hugs,

        Nor

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