Keep a baby and marry without consent of parents?
Assalaumalaikum Brothers and Sisters,
Nearly 2 years ago, I made a big mistake and committed zinaa with someone who I had been in a relationship of 3 years. I then fell pregnant and as a result of this had a baby boy.
I ended up giving the baby to the social services and placed him in foster care as my parents would not allow me to bring him home and wanted him adopted. This is to save the family honour and respect. I did so and my baby boy is now 8 months.
He has been in fostercare since he was 3 days, I see him on a regular basis and so does the baby's father. We married 2 weeks ago, without my parents' consent as my father would not allow it. I approached my father to ask him and he refused. My mother accepted it but cannot go against my father.
Both me and the baby's father would like to move out and keep the baby and inshallah by the will of Allah swt give him a good future. We have repented and sincerely asked for forgiveness as we regret the mistake we made but our son is not the mistake as he is an innocent child who has no knowledge of what is going on around him.
I would like to seek on advice urgently as I have little time on this. There is a court case in a week and I have seen a house to rent. I will soon move in within a week or 2 with the baby's father and take my son back inshallah.
I have told my parents about this as i do not want to go behind their backs. They had an awful response, my mother cursed me and so did my father. This really hurt me because i do not know who to choose from. I love my son and love my parents and am now married.
Please could someone explain to this if what i am doing is right. I would love to keep in contact with my parents but once i get out of the house they are not willing to take me back. They only want me on one condition and that is if i give my baby up for adoption. I do not have that in my heart as my love for him is extreme. I love him to bits and would love to keep him and bring him up as a good muslim boy. Inshallah.
My mum sometimes see's my son and she loves him too, How can she expect me not to love him as he is my own. I have not mentioned i am only 17.
Please could i have some advice on this?
Jazakallah Khair.
- muslimwoman16
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Dear Brave young Muslim Woman,
I think it's very brave what you have done and I believe that even though it's hard, you are doing the right thing. You are extremely young, but you have your heart in the right place.
Also great to know that you have married your babies father, that must be a great support.
Parents will always love their children, they might be furious now, but they will accept your choices eventually.
Follow your heart and don't give up on your son. Allah is the most Merciful and most kind.
He is your blessing, he is your blood. Stay brave and don't allow anyone come in between of you and your child.
He and life's joy are too precious!!!
You will be a great mother! Know that Allah protects you always!!!
Blessings,
Lara
Salaams muslimwoman16
You are now married and therefore it is your right to get your baby back. I am shocked your parents being like this bearing in mind they gave birth to you and that is there grandchild. Yes you made a mistake and now to want to make the best of it by having your baby and you married your husband there is nothing wrong with that and it is natural for you to want your family together it will be difficult but in time you will be alot happier then how you feel right now. You must be strong and follow what your heart says get your son back and make your marriage work as I believe really you was not strong enough to give your child up in any situation. I really wish you all the best
I totally disagree with both of the previous comments.
What is the Islamic verse, There is no Marriage without a Wali, There is No Marriage without a Wali, There is no marriage without a wali.
Hate to break the news to you, but your marriage is invalid.
Your father has your interests at heart and you have clearly gone against him, how do you expect to lead a happy life when your father, your wali did not allow the marriage?
As salamu alaykum, muslimwoman16,
I don´t know about the legal issues, but I assume you have talked to a proffessional and you can have the custody of your child without your parents consent if you and the father are able to care of him, do you know this for sure?, you are quite young that is why I am asking. Is your marriage a legal marriage?
This is going to be an extremly personal answer, your baby is already in this world and it is your obligation towards him to take care of him, noone will do it better than you will do it, nobody will love him more than you do, nobody will give their life for your baby as you will do, then go for him and care of him, do whatever you can in this world to have him back in your arms, he was born with a mother, he has the right to be with his mother, .... your baby has a mother and a father that love him, why does anybody alloud themselves the right to avoid you to be with your child? That it is against nature, if you give away your child you will be longing for him the rest of your life, May Allah(swt) guide your steps to the right way, insha´Allah.
Forgive your parents because you can understand their suffering, but you have a baby in this world, fight for him as only a mother can do.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum Mr. Fisher,
Do you realize the baby is already here in this world apart from her mother due to the grandparents decisions? Doesn´t that sound cruel to you? , I completely support this is not the way to do the things, but these are the facts and we have to be realistic, ... that baby is not guilty of anything and he deserves to be loved by his family, insha´Allah.
How can the father tell to her own daughter to renounce to his grandchild?, I am sorry to tell this, but that it is heartless.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Is it any less heartless that the daughter went against her father and Islam and had a pre-marital relationship? Is it any less heartless that the person has defied the Prophet's teaching, that for a marriage to be valid there must be a wali. We cannot pick and choose the rules. I don't think the father is doing anything wrong, this all started because of this woman committing zina. You feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for the ones she has hurt.
Thank you for answering Mr. Fisher,
I feel sorry mainly for the baby and after him for everyone at the same level, because all of them have acted wrongly and are suffering for that. I will tell you why Ithink this way, this all started when this girl began a relationship with a boy. How can you say that she was prepared by her family to follow the right rules of the Prophet(phub) and Islam? Isn´t that responsibility of the family?
And the woman is the daughter of 16 years old at the time she was pregnant, do you think that the parents weren´t alloud of the relationship of the daughter, that it seemed to last for at least 3 years, weren´t you alloud as a father of your daughter of what she is doing with 13 years old, wouldn´t you be there for her, watching where she is and with whom she is, go deeper in this situation, I don´t think it is so easy as you see it.
And again, I insist the baby is already here.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The validity of the marriage is one issue, and I can't speak to that, and neither can you. It's very presumptuous of you to say that her marriage is invalid. We don't know that she did not have a wali. Though her father refused, perhaps someone else represented her.
Furthermore, parents don't always have their children's best interests at heart in these situations. Sometimes the foremost thought in their minds is to preserve the family's reputation at all costs. That's why we end up with abominations like "honor killings". If the father had the girl's best interests at heart here, he would say, "I'm disappointed that you had a sinful relationship with this boy, and that you went against me and got married, but I accept that there is a baby now and we must make the best of the situation. We will help you to raise your son as best you can."
The relationship between a mother and child is sacred. The baby needs his mother, and the mother needs the child. Regardless of what mistakes she has made in the past, she should keep her son and do her best in the future to build a happy family, and repair ties with her parents.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
totally agree with you wael
A divorced or widowed woman does not need a wali for the purposes of seeking marriage, though she does need a wali for the actual marriage contract.
See some of the narrations on this subject here:
The Wali according to Quran and Sunnah
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com
Why don’t you ask muslimwoman16 if she did have a wali considering you are saying without not knowing if there was a wali or not. Sister didn’t state that in the reply posted and I just assumed maybe she had someone else to represent the marriage taking place without her parents.
Salaams sister
What's the reason that your parents will not accept the baby and the father of your baby? Is the baby's father muslim? Does he have a good reputation/character? If you answered YES to those questions then I don't see why your parents should reject him.
You should go ahead and get your baby back irerspective of whether your parents approve of this or not. Imagine if you were taken away from them. How would they feel?
Your parents should forget about getting honour and respect from others and should concentrate on honouring you and your baby. This is after all their grandson. Whatever has happened cannot be undone.
Good luck with motherhood!!
Rumaysa
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister.
Im sorry to hear what your parents are doing. You made a mistake, and have repented and try to make amends. Alhumdulilah that you have accepted responsibility for your actions. I am glad that you have married the guy and made amends and are trying to do the right thing. How many people in your situation would have run away from this! Unfortunately it seems your parents are having difficulty accepting your mistake. Family honour is important, but what about honour on the Day of Judgement. Why do we care what others think, but not what Allah thinks? (Im referring to your parents and people in general) Putting him for adoption does not gurantee that he will grow up in Islam. (I know you know all this, but I want to reassure you dear sister.)
I urge you to keep your son with you. Don't let him go. He needs you and you may be a daughter, but you are also a mother and you have a responsibility towards your son. So please make istakharaah and make dua for Allah to soften your parents hearts towards your husband and your son. If you speak to them, speak nicely and tell them that you love them, but cannot abandon your son.
You should obey your parents/ husband UNLESS they are asking you to do something disliked or forbidden in Islam. Of course giving up your child in this situation is not right.
You must however, be good to them. I pray that they do soften their hearts towards you and I hope they will come around InshaAllah with time. If they refuse to see you, try to maintain contact in some way. Even sending Eid gifts or notes. No matter how they treat you be patient and be good to them. This is your test.
Also I know you are not quite at this stage yet sister, but you and your husband do salat right? If you dont please start. Its important for your own strength, and very good for your son to see you and his father praying. I see so many couples sending their kids to islamic classes but at home no salat, no qur'an. Children learn from what they see. Do this for Allahs sake and you will InshaAllah both gain abundant reward. Teach him good manners. Try to instill in him a love of Islam, and love of Allah swt. I personally believe its better to avoid telling children about hell and punishments until their older as it frightens children and has made (Some children I know) dislike Islam. Focus on Allahs mercy. Also try to be approachable. My mother was like this with me and Alhumdulilah I am able to go to her when I have problems or issues, rather than fear her.
I dont know if therres a parenting section on here - and im sorry for going off topic a bit dear sister. I just get upset seeing children I know being lost/confused about Islam due to parents. Keep your intention pure, and always make dua for your parents.
May Allah swt give you, your husband, child and parents happiness in both this life and the next. May He soften your parents hearts and help you and your husband to bring up your son to be a true Mu'min. Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Sara, excellent advice!
Bismillah,
You made a mistake, repented from it and now you are pursuing inshaAllah what is pleasing to Allah.
All of the following may apply if the father of your baby is a MUSLIM.
@ John Fisher, If a father purposely (for absurd reasons) refuses to give his daughter in marriage, the daughter has a right to go seek help from the local Imam and not consider the father as a wali for that particular case.
Like Ibrahim (as) do not break relations with your parents and make dua to Allah to soften their hearts. Your parents are not understanding that it is the time to make firm intention and plan to help you and their grandchild to never disobey Allah(swt) again.
I would suggest as part of your own repentance to Allah(swt), study Islam, practice it, teach it to your child and make sure he grows up as a righteous Muslim. Seek help of the local IMAM in all of this process.
May Allah (swt) guide you and your family and keep them from any fitna.
I am pretty certain the father refused giving his daughter to this man for the very reason he took his daughter's virginity outside of marriage. What father would want to give his daughter away to a man like that?
John, you're making assumptions.
The point is, the sister did something very wrong but now needs a solution.
If the man involved has repented, thats all good and they should get married. However, a good way of starting this marriage would have been for the couple involved to convince the parents, even by using the help of an imam. Lying upon lying and secrets upon secrets cause more fitnah. Now that the marriage has been done, the sister and her husband should still try to get her parents agreement, use an imam, if need be.
Its not a joke, pregnancy and marriage are all too often taken too lightly.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
I think this is why the Ummah is in tatters right now. I understand your point about the past being the past, but I really don't judge a situation based on one side of the story. I can't prove it, nor can anyone, but I have absolutely no doubt, the father's side of the story is equally depressing. I am sure the parents are just as heartbroken as the girl is.
She is only 17, in this day and age is a 17 yr old prepared to live a life of independance? It is possible, but very difficult. I do not have anything against young marriage, I think young marriage is a beautiful thing, a very very beautiful thing. But I will NEVER change my view, a wedding without the father's permission is not a valid wedding at all.
I am pretty sure that the father is nowhere near the bad man that has been made out.
I would also like to add one of the signs of the end being near (The Day of Judgement) is that children will make their own choices and not listen to the advice of parents.
I understand the points made about her mistakes being forgiven and forgotten.
John Fisher,
I actually agree with you here. All too often the parents seem to be turned into villains but this is not fair or right. The sister here made a such a big mistake in committing zina and then became pregnant. This must have been such a difficult time for her parents aswell.
She then made a further mistake by marrying him without her father's agreement. She should have tried her utmost to convince him, by using a wise Imaam if necessary.
There is a possibility that this girl's boyfriend turned a new leaf, but had he done so, would he not have tried his best to convince her parents for their marriage? I don't know. Of course we do not know all sides of the story, but I think its completely shameful and a total copout that people go about making big mistakes and then make their parents out to be bad.
***
I sympathise with the parents of this girl, as of course they probably have lost complete respect in the community. And yes, these things are important. However, right now, the main concern should be the best interests of the baby and the sister, so if that means she marries the father of her baby and everyone finds out she had a baby out of wedlock, that will have to happen. As hard as it is for her father, he'll have to become thicker skinned if he wants to help his daughter sort her life out.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor
It seems like sum ppl unfortunately do not believe islam gives a person the right to second chances or the right to become a reformed character. John fisher i pray u and your family never slip up cz i have a feelin u wouldnt no how to deal with it. Life does nOt always run smoothly sumtym our family let us down but need support of us to help them bak on track.An innocent child deservs its parents. Just a thought.
I don't like where this comment is coming from, you're making it look like I'm saying the girl doesn't deserve a second chance. I'm saying older and wiser people and those who care about us the most, our parents, know what's best for us. Like I said in previous posts, I got nothing against the young lady moving on in life, of course she deserves another chance and another and another, but I also think she should take the advice of people who know her better than she knows herself.
John,
Parents do not 'always' know better.
No jOhn u said about the guy, that the father wouldnt want sumone who took his daughters virginity. That guy has a chance to prove himself, its his child too and maybe he wants to right his wrong. He wil be asked about the child and what he did for it on the day of judgement. Its commendable if two young adults who made a mistake want To be mature and move forward and repent together. No one is saying what happend is right but they have to limit the damage done. And yes i agree with sis z. Parents dont always no wats best god bless them. They r human too
Thanks for all the great advice. @ John Fisher, i do understand where your coming from and it hurts seeing my father suffer for my mistakes, as this was not his fault, he tried to give me the best upbringing, and i still went behind his back and did this. I appreciate everything he has given me and all his patience, and it is my wish inshallah he will accept his grandson as i have tried convincing him about marriage but instead he swore at me and hit me, he had every right too as he is already bearing so much pain and for all keeping me at home which is a massive thing to do and he has a big heart to forgive me and accept me but then again i cannot leave my son and make mistakes upon mistakes, i asked my father for permission but he would not listen and said he would disown me, so i used the babys foster father who is a good practisin muslim as a wali as he is older then my father and a good trustworthy muslim. Also you guys mentioned the babys father having a bad character, yes he has a brilliant characted mashallah, not violent or anything and he loves me and his son but he does need to start praying and appreciating Allah swt blessings and so do i and inshallah bring our son up in a good muslim enviroment, if only my parents accept me this is my wish and i will keep trying in the future regardless of the situation i love my parents to bits and they have every right to be angry at me but this is the one big mistake as he is the only one i have ever had relations with and the babys father has only ever had relations with me which makes life easy as we dont have a bad past although we made a major mistake which there is no limit to asking for forgiveness inshallah we will keep on repenting till the day we die and inshallah will be forgive as Allah swt is forgiving and almighty, and only he knows my intentions of being a good muslim women. Thanks you for all your advice i did make a mistake to be in this tension but inshallah Allah swt will guide me. I do feel for my son as he is stuck in the middle of our mistakes but inshallah i will be with him soon. I am still a little confused wether im doing right or wrong?
Jazakallah Khair
Dear Sister,
Thank you for explaining your situation in more detail.
I pray Allah brings you and your son together and also that He grants you all with piety. May your parents hearts also be softened towards you, may He accept you and help you.
Just keep trying with your parents, inshaAllah they will forgive you. Even now sister, ask an Imam to help convince your father to accept you, your son and your marriage.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswer.com Senior Editor
You are doing right in all fronts.
Be a mother to your child and look to re-build the relationship you have with your father. You must also realise that your father may never treat you with the same love and affection he has in the past, but he loves you and cares for you deep within.
Insha'allah you will find peace. May Allah Protect your child and help it to grow into a fit and healthy Muslim.
Ameen.
Ameen. Nice reply MashaAllah
Dear John Fisher
I find you highly offensive towards people replies on this site that come on here for moral support and advice to resolve their issues in day to day crisis. You have accused this girl a lot of things and made judgements towards her and the boy, we do not know what really went on behind closed doors. Sister has not said and I wish not to know apart from what she has typed on this reply. Yes her parents are hurt, she made a mistake and you have to remember not always parents have the right intentions for their children. I am a consultant in the nhs and believe you me I come across a lot of cases where I feel so sorry for the children and for the parents. My final statement yes sister made a big mistake along with the boy and yes she is only 17 but at the end of the day she is a mother too not a girl anymore who’s single her life is completely different and marriage is no joke in front of allah. She is married and has every right to be happy and make this marriage work. Inshallah when I get married I would want to be my childrens best friend and have open conversations with them so they do not astray and also they can trust me as a parent and be honest. What you must remember brother Islam teaches us to have respect, teach people how you want to be treated, never ever even say such things because one day those tables will turn at you, and I seriously think you should think before you make such harsh comments and you should make tawbh. You may be very fortunate and lucky brother you haven’t done wrong things or even went on the wrong path but unfortunately there are others who are not as lucky as the rest of us who find there comfort zone and put there parents first before their happiness. People turn to the wrong people and then they get influences because they mess with their heads but every single muslim man or women deserves a second chance no one and I mean no one deserves what they get ALLAH is the one who will see to that on the judgement day. Every muslim should concentrate on being themselves and looking to the pious life and things allah has given us and say THANK YOU I am well and healthy. We are living in the 21st century we have to change as I know some don’t like change because they want to hold onto the tradition and values but if you keep holding on to your kids and bringing them to your level then they will go against you as in this case sister had no choice and I have no right to say such things or make judgements or backbite with nasty comments to her. I am allah’s worshiper’s and allah loves those you fear ALLAH those people who hurt other Muslims and others need to think before they open their mouth and seriously FEAR. Inshallah for this sister who’s now married should get the child back and live her married life as she wishes and I wish her the best for the future ameen.
Samina I found your comment equally offensive.
I am not judging, I am stating fact. Fact is the father of this girl is upset because of her committing zina. Fact is Islam states it is haraam for a person to have pre-marital sex. Now the father has not wronged, the daughter has.
I base my comments on facts. The young woman has responded and stated she used another man as her wali, instead of her father. How can you expect the father to be understanding and forgiving when the young female has used another person as a wali.
Put yourselves in the parent's shoes, they have raised a daughter, the want the best for that daughter, that daughter sins and produces a baby and then marries the man who she's committed the sin with, there's nothing wrong with that, in fact two people who has committed zina together should be together, but the whole scenario is a total mess. We should be encouraging the young lady to keep going to her father, to keep seeking his approval, once she has her parent's approval, everything will fall into place.
Well I am allowed to have my say as much as you are entitled too but at the end of the day what is done is done I strongly feel the parents should support there child and take full responsibility for the child they brought into this world no one can change the clocks back there are couple’s who cant even have children and I am sure would do anything to produce. Yes you are entitled to state the facts that are your choice but I don’t think this helps someone who comes on this site and you stating the facts full on some people may not like this and I am one of those people who don’t like to see others hurt with such harsh offensive comments. Parents need to realise there mistakes too if they keep doing what they are doing they will lose there kids and then this leads to more difficulty to get them back on the right tracks, I rather build bridges then lose my child knowing my child has repented and learnt by his or her mistake and allah to judge till the day of judgement.
I agree with samina i do think ppl should try and be compassionate whilst answering. Things arent always black and white, this life is a test. Some situations u read and think how on earth could he/she do that. N u might not even remotely agree with wat theyv done but its our job to be less harsh, less judging, speak calmly and deal with things with a view to helping a person to mOve forward. One thing i wil say. Children should be protected by parents and understand the times we live in. You have to make your child feel loved and not provide too much freedom and instil discipline. Bcz wen the daughter then makes a mistake it falls onto the whole family like this. Yes it hurts the dad. But it is STILL his duty to do ryt by her even tho she has erred. And it is her duty to repent and ask for forgivness from her father.
Dear Sister Aliya25
Absolutely sister I totally agree with you there I am a believer to be a good parent and learn from my life experience’s and not to punish my child for my own gains just because I didn’t get want I wanted out of life. Don’t you think that’s just being selfish knowing you had a blessing from allah in having a child and some parents should realise how lucky they are rather then letting there pride getting in the way. I personally think girls should be protected from there family as well as outsiders and not treated less than a son because this is where the BIG problem is. Parents have every right to remind there daughters where they stand within there limits with them but at the same time if they are stricter then that’s when problems start by lying and turning to the wrong crowds same with the boys. Parents should be honest and open with their children and trust them fully by being there friend not enemy there your blood isn’t that enough to keep them rather than driving them away in the wrong paths. Yes in Islam it is taught woman have more rights, izzaat and respect than men but now a days I am finding there is no respect, dignity left for a woman especially when I hear and read stories like this it does really break my heart in pieces how life is becoming difficult for parents to even marry there daughters and a women is not even allowed to express her voice (awaaz). But the major problem we are facing is parents have children but there is no proper conversations as they are under a lot of pressures too but at the same time they should take a break and ask there son or daughter how was your day, how you feeling etc that way the child is more likely to open up and turn to the parent then a friend and mix in with bad company and rely on them. Every child does make mistakes no child is perfect when they are born it is the parents job to keep them safe, protect, teach them and then its upto the child to develop and learn. I can only pray for those who are suffering get through there difficult times and mostly realise there are worse people then them in this world and also to be strong never forget where you came from and also who you are PEACE W/SALAAMS.
Salam To EveryOne,
I Agree With Kingfisher.Sister Had Committed A Big Big Mistake...In Islam Dis Mistake Is Considered As Gunaah-e-Kabira...But Its Upto Allah S.W.T He Iz Most Merciful...But As She Had Married Dat Boy,Now Da Best Solution Of It Iz Dat She Should Bring Her Child Back,Do Her Best For His Child's Future And Try To Make Her Married Life Successful...
ALLAH HAFIZ