Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lack of Intimacy and Respect in my marriage

"He doesn't help in the house, and demands sex all the time."

"I have to beg and constantly remind him about the garbage. The most important thing to him is sex."

My husband and I have been married for almost 1 year. When it comes to sex, he thinks that it is the most important thing. I have told him when it hurts to have sex, he still has sex with me. When I am having my monthly, he still wants some type of sexual favor. He does not respect me at all in bed. He comes close to and sometimes enters the forbidden area. I have asked him not to do this because it is uncomfortable for me. Every time we have sex, he goes to this area.

In married life, it is respectful and considerate for a spouse that is not working to help with the household chores. He does not see it that way. He leaves the dishes for me to clean, he leaves the laundry and everything. When I ask him to at least put the dishes in the dishwasher, he leaves it for me. I have to beg and constantly remind him about the garbage. The most important thing to him is sex.

He does not consider.  my working hours because I leave for work very early and he wakes me up sometimes 2,3 or 4 hours before time just to have sex. If he does decide to clean, he thinks that I owe him sex. He stays home, watches TV and the internet for hours, picks up the kids, waits for me to get home, have sex and go to sleep.

When it comes to small things, they do not matter either. He was a good Muslim man before coming to America but now, he is the worst person that I have known. My first husband was a drunk and druggie. This one is faithful, as far as I know, but is driven by sex..  He is several years younger than I am and he still has a lot of growing up to do..  Just tonight, to give an example of inconsideration, our daughter noticed that he left a pot on the stove cooking but nothing was in it. I woke him up to tell him and he acted like he did not care.

I tell him to be careful when he drives but he has had 2 accidents since he got his license less than 5 months ago. He cannot drive and it scares me. He does not pay attention to the stop signs or the cars stopping in front of him, he drives too reckless.

He speaks to his family online and charges my card $10 here, $10 there and I complain about that too. He does try to do some work for people sometimes and when he gets money, he sends it to his family, nothing goes toward the home for anything. I told him that when he starts working regularly, we can split the bills, he refuses to do that. He says that I make enough now to pay the bills and if I need money, I can ask him.

He has no sense of importance, we can have important appointments to be at, he will make us late just to have sex. He does not care about time or consequences.The list of things could go on and on. The one good thing is he is faithful out of fear for Allah but other than that he is awful.

What am I supposed to do? I do not want to be divorced twice. Please give me good advice.


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15 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum. hop u had a nice day. I think ur husband is dat kind that does not attain orgasm nd u shld beer wit him nd try to show him dat he has to work 2 spend 4 his family coz dis not ur responsibility nd u can as wel stop it. u said ur husband is faithful and that he get in you in the forbidden area? dis shld be stoped nd if he fails- then its ur right 2 divorse him coz u cant just be doin haram over nd over. Bissalam!

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading i can some how understand of your situation. the way it is going i doubt he will change. ok having sex is one thing but entering the forbidden area is wrong. on this matter tell him in islam it forbidds doing this act.

    another thing which you mentioned "nothing goes toward the home for anything. I told him that when he starts working regularly, we can split the bills, he refuses to do that. He says that I make enough now to pay the bills "? in islam the man has to provide for the wife, and he has no right on living off his wife since that money belongs to the her.

    the way it seems to me he is taking advantage of you. the thing you should do firstly is tell him what a mans responsibilty is in islam, then tell him the rights he has over you and vice-versa, that way he should understand his situation, but if he still continues the way he does then the only option is either you stay with him or take the leave.

    sis it may seem harsh but in order for a relationship to work, effort needs to be put in by both partys otherwise its no point.

    hope things work out inshallah............................

    ma salama

  3. Asalaamualaikum,

    Sis, may Allah increase you in emaan and sabr to deal with this in the best way. Allah tests us all and this is obviously His way of testing you.

    I was wondering - has your husband always been like this in your marriage?

    Have you spoken to him openly about his behaviour? Perhaps your husband has some deep-rooted issues that are leading to his behaviour.

    It seems that he does not feel ashamed infront of you about his actions but maybe he will feel ashamed infront of a mutually respected family member. Could you speak to someone in confidence, not with the intention of shaming him (at all). But solely with the intention of that person speaking to him and trying to help...

  4. Salam sister

    I'm glad that you said you don't want a divorce . Not because this will be the 2nd time but because no one is perfect , we all have flaws and in marriage we've to try our best to fix it and not to resort to divorce unless things are really bad .

    You said that your ex was an alcoholic and druggie , this one is not , at least he is better than him in something . All what you mentioned about him being reckless , not helpful in the house work is not really a good complain . Men don't like to help in the house , they don't consider it part of their duty . The problem is that you're working outside the house when you're supposed to stay at home and do all the house work instead of wanting him to help in it .

    Being reckless in driving in not an issue , is he reckless in his work ? Does he neglect it ? I think the answer is in the negative . That's more important to consider .

    Now about sex . Men vary in their sex drive . He is having high sex drive , it's good that he is satisfying it through you only and not looking around at other women to satisfy it . His sex drive will decrease by time so it needs some patience from you . He has the right to sleep with you whenever he likes and you've the same right too . The main motive for some people to marry is to have sex , so he is not alone in this , it's not abnormal .

    The only problem which I see here is him having anal sex with you . Doesn't he know that it is haram ?

    Abstain from doing sex with him if he insists to do so . He can't force you to do it , you always can prevent him from doing it , he won't rape you so you can prevent it from happening .

    I wish you all the best and I pray for you to give you the wisdom to solve your problem .
    May Allah bless you and your family .

  5. I am also married to a Muslim since 2 years, he was very respectful before mariage, but now he isvery disrespectful of me..he wants a woman to do everything like a slave and tells me in his country the women would do everything for hi..he hates to pay for anything, if he pays he makes abig fuss, every month he sends 1/2 his salary to his brother(who works) and his father(who has a pension) he preferes that i buyeverything for our house and says he wn't even buy a spoon!! but anything his family asks for he buys..i don't think i can stand much more because he gets worse and worse.........before the mariage he was sooo nice now i wish i had never ever met him....

  6. Salamu Aleikum Sister,

    Wow.... just wow....... I admire women like you with that amount of patience and perseverance. May Allah

    increase your sabr and solve your problem. You mentioned that your husband is a young men. I can

    tell you out of my own experience that young men from Arab culture or hot countries often have a very

    warm mentality and a high testosterone level in their blood. I don't say that Europeans or Caucasians can't

    have similar urges, but it is more widespread in hot countries.

    First, there is nothing wrong with satisfying sexual desires in a lawful way in a marriage. Rassul Allah

    said: Whoever enters his wife( not from the back!!!!!astaghfirullah)during intercourse has made a sawab

    comparable to Jihad. I have the impression that he has a problem with the timing:) Sex is important, but

    earning a living and providing for one's family as well. It is his duty to work and to take care of the financial

    affairs, he has to pay the bills; if you want to work, you can keep the money for yourself. He has

    authority and God placed this responsibility on men's shoulders; A devout believer shouldn't escape
    l
    this responsibility. Moreover, I sense from what u've written that he only thinks of his desires, but you

    don't sound like someone who enjoys sex as well. He has to give you a foreplay and an orgasm

    whenever he sleeps with you. This is not only human and just, but also an Islamic law. The sexual

    availability of the wife doesn't free the husband from showing Islamic manners and akhlagh. In sexual

    issues, the female has as many rights as the male. Concerning timing: Sex is great and the pillar

    of every good relationship, but when it stops you from following your daily routine, taking the garbage

    etc , then there's something wrong with the timing; every evening would be sufficient, maybe it would

    help to write a schedule and stick to it. So that both of you can fulfil your duties and still have time for

    intimacy in the evening.

    Explain to him his duties as a family father. You mentioned before that he is devout and that itself is a gift.

    If the love for Allah and his Prophet was moulded in his heart, he will listen to you as it is certainly in

    his interest to follow his deen. Regarding his accidents: He appears to be very irresponsible and

    childish, like a boy at 18 who just got his driving license and wants to show off with his new ferrari.

    This is not very mature and not the lifestyle of a Muslim family father. He has to understand , too, that

    helping you in the household is something natural in Islam and he shouldn't think that he must get

    something back for following his duties.

    In terms of anal sex: Replace the haram act of anal sex with a pleasant and lawful act. Buy

    yourself beautiful lingerie, underwear, hot pants etc. and show him your seductive side. Try out new things

    together. Maybe then it gets easier for him to live without that disgusting habit.

    I wish you all the best. If he has Imaan, he will certainly change.

    Jazakallah

  7. yes he is awful and u of all woman should know a married man needs his wife for u know.... i mean would it be better if he goes to another woman? and i mean u ppl just got married its not like his bored with u normally the first years of marriage they very u know and need u know ..... haraam is haraam so tell him not to enter the place that is forbidden and if he don t listen cry or something i mean somewhere somehow im sure he feels for u .and his just so awful how he let u work and he relax i wud not allow this in my marriage i wud put some strict rules

  8. i myself have a husband like this.. He is a very devouted muslim.. however, he has a very high sexual drive that prevents me to do my daily chores and effecting my working life.. furthermore, his sexual acts for me is too abnormal for me to take.. he has no respect for me when it comes to sex, he will do anything as he wish with me like a dirty prostitute.. He desired me to be locked in the cage, like an animal until he comes home from work.. (subahhannallah).. am i not loyal to him if i don't wish to be treated this way? am i deserved to be punished if i do not obey this? He said the more he loves me, the more he will tortured me in bed sexually.. i have faith in Allah to give me mercy from him and his acts.. may allah be with me..

  9. as-salamualaikum,
    i think that if you have married recently like in the last two years, and he is younger than you, sex should be on his mind. it will get "normal" once time passes by. Atleast he is doing it with you. The concern is the way he does it, like the forbidden area, not showing respect for your feelings, and even if he is so crazy about it. Aren't these symptoms pointing to a more serious type of personalitybehavior deviation? I would find a counselor/pyschologist in your area or online and tell all the details so they can evaluate him.
    When you say it hurts and he shows no care/respect, that's concern. Sometimes it takes a man a ,long long time to understand that the wife is a human being and has feelings too. Why is he behaving in such a disrespectful way in a new relationship?
    If he is religious, then it is a good idea to tell the imam or someone to talk to him about this stuff. Tell bhim you love him but are concerned about the akhira. Tell him this thing he does from the wrong place is disgusting to you as it is forbidden by the one who created him and it is where POOOP comes from. So many bacteria in there. Tell him there might even be some poop in there! Don't be shy and let loose and please him in other ways so he leaves this thing. There should be no shame between husband and wife, you are halal for each other. He can come in from behind you if he likes, but in the right spot. I am getting graphic here, sorry. You try to touch him in that area where he lies to go into you from, maybe he likes that.
    Too many men mistreat their wives on the money issue. They don't know that the wife and children's needs come before their family's. Allah has ordered a man to take care of his wife. He has to do it. It is sad how these men feel so proud of themselves when they send their parents/siblings money for houses, cars, extravagent weddings/gifts, and stuff. They feel they have been a dutiful son, but a wife is told to be simple and is told that there is no money for her needs. Whenevever the family back home ask for anything it is fulfilled. When will this stop?!
    To the sister who says her husband likes to put her in a cage, was he joking or just saying out a fantasy, or does he really mean it? You are not a toy, you are a human. Is he respectful otherwise? Does he show respect for your feelings and concern otherwise, or he is like this in other matters too? If this is just a bedroom issue, that's what I'm asking. If it's just a bedroom issue, then maybe he's just wilder than you. You got to catch up to him. But you have to talk to him and tell him that you will feel more turned on if he's gentle and says kind loving words to you, and shows respect for your feelings and concerns. You can't enjoy sex if he's not doing what you like. How about you do what he likes, then he does what you like? Take turns. But tell him it's not enjoyable when there is pain or torture as you say. Love shows by action. A man who tells his wife he loves her, but yells and screams at her, doesn't buy her presents but buys for others' wives, doesn't respect her..........what do you think? He loves her? No.

  10. Sister,
    I feel you because I have a similar situation. I am married to a brother who is a few years younger than I. He does not pay any bills, but gives me $125.00/mo. He does not have a steady job. He works sometimes, and I think he either gives it to his two sons or sends it to his sister. I only see the $125/mo. However, he is very resourceful. He brings things to fix the house up. He brings food and cooks it for me everyday. He brings me clothes and has saved me a lot of money because he knows a lot of brothers and I have gotten my car fixed, computers, for a very low cost. However, he has brought things home and expected me to pay for them without first asking me if I want it. He then ends up owing someone money for something that's not paid for.

    He is also very highly sexed. Wants sex all the time. I work each day and am on a schedule. He is not on a schedule and therefore stays up half the night. He stays out all day and comes home around 10-11:00 pm each night. Sometimes he's working, sometimes he's drinking tea with his brothers. He doesn't have a cell phone, never calls me when he's out, so I never know how or when he's coming home, but I look for him at around 10-11:00 pm. However, sometimes it's much later. He expects me to have sex no matter what time it is. Doesn't matter to him that I have to get up early to go to work. He just says, "you have sex, you feel good when you go to work." Well, he's right, if I'm not also very tired. When we have sex, he expects me to get ready, then he just lays back on the bed and expects me to service him. During this time, he might rub my shoulders or slightly touch me. When he does decide he wants to touch me, he is rough. It doesn't really feel good. When we get around to having sex sometimes he hurts me, I'll express that he is hurting me, but he'll keep on going. At the end of the act, he gets up quickly without even looking at me and goes to take a shower. There is absolutely no intimacy. When I try to have conversations with him, he says a few words. Sometimes when I ask a question, he acts like I'm bothersome and doesn't really want to answer.

    When he comes home at night, he doesn't talk to me, doesn't play or laugh with me. I don't know where he is mentally. He doesn't share himself with me at all. Sometimes, when he comes in he'll fix me some tea, then get on the phone and call one of his brothers.

    He doesn't lead me in prayer. He goes off and makes salat by himself. Sometimes he sleeps through Fajr prayer even after I wake him. He goes to the masjid with his brothers all the time, but never invites me to go to the masjid with him. When we go to Jumaa together, he gets out of the car and walks ahead of me. During Ramadhan, I go to the Masjid by myself and spend Eid without him as well. He spends it with his sons and brothers, I guess. I never really know.

    What I'm saying is that I don't know this brother, even though I've been married to him for almost three years. He doesn't share himself with me at all. Now, should i just be happy because he buys things for the house, buys me clothes, cooks for me and gives me $125.00/mo. I need the closeness. I think I need to talk with an Imam. Have any recommendations?

    • Butterfly, please log in and write your question as a separate post so we can advise you properly.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • should i just be happy because he buys things for the house, buys me clothes, cooks for me and gives me $125.00/mo.. I think he is fulfilling the islamic rights .

  11. Dump him. Allah isn't testing your loyalty as a wife, he's testing your self-respect as a his beloved child. Give your love to someone who is mature and deserving.

  12. Hello! I am not Muslim. I Believe in the risen Jesus Christ. I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR COMMENTS. I so sympathsize with what you're going through. In Christianty, divorce is not an option unless there has been immorality. Anal sex is an awful thing. Tell him to stop it. If he truly loves you, he will honor your wishes. I wish you well. Take care.

  13. Dear, sister I understand ur situation well..
    I am a male by the way.
    Ur husband is showing signs of a lack of ambition... He doesn't have any drive apart from sex.

    Now are u have parents i.e. Ur dad still alive because u need a responsible, manly figure to tell him to pull up his socks and become responsible.

    Ur husband is not being responsible. In Islam the husband needs to be providing/ paying food, clothing, house etc.
    This is a SAHIH HADITH of the prophet & how important it is for your children that daddy is alive.

    Sit with him and discuss his responsibilities and how he is going against the prophet.

    He doesn't need to look for a Job like a doctor... He could work in a supermarket stocking shelves etc. These jobs dont require a PHD. Just for your husband to come on time to work and be hardworking

    Secondly.ABOUT THE sex your husband has plenty of time on his hands this is because he doesn't work.
    The Prophet (SAW) said " life is work and work is life". The majority of your day is spent working while your husband does nothing. Of course sex will be difficult.

    MOST IMPORTANTLY the prophet (SAW) recommended if a husband and wife have has sex ONCE and their still NOT SATISFIED. MAKE WUDHU before you have sex again.

    There's a TIME And PLACE for sex this is definitely NOT. when your going to work as you could be late for work as a RESULT. But in your free time

    BarakallahumA feykumm

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