Islamic marriage advice and family advice

No intimacy in marriage has driven me to make a female friend just to satisfy my physical needs.

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

Assalam O Alaikum,

First of all I want to thank anyone that will take a few minutes to read and reply to my post. May Allah reward all good deeds.  Here is my story.

I am a 33 years old Muslim man with two kids from my wife. We married back in 2002 and mashallah now have 2 beautiful children. A few years ago my wife developed addiction to pain killer medication. Not knowing how severe this is, I didn't know how to deal with this. There was a lot of arguements during these 3-5 years. She finally agreed to go to a rehab last year in July and when she came out a month later, she said she did not want to be in this relationship with me and that she wanted a divorce. Her parents, my parents, my sister and her sisters all talked to her and we agreed to give it another try. She relapsed and was admitted to rehab again in December. We had intercourse in nov 2010 (once only and that was the last time). So, after getting out of the rehab she went and rented a room somewhere else and says she is working on12 steps of recovery. I want to understand her situation, but I just can not because she barely helps out with the kids financially and only comes to see the kids once a week. She moved in a couple weeks ago, but moved right back out the next day saying she gets anxiety attacks and such being around us.

I don't know what to do because I am frustrated (sexually and mentally). My frustration is almost causing me to commit adultery. To avoid this I watch porn and masturbate once a week. I want to do the right thing for the sake of my two kids, but I feel like my wife has changed so much. I don't even feel like I know her anymore. She has taken very sexy pictures with bikini and hugging guy friends on the beach wearing nothing but swimming cloth. Even after all this I feel like it is my responsibility to provide my kids with a loving mother and feel like one day she will come around but don't know when and don't know how much longer I should wait. In the mean time I have met a co-worker in a very personal way and she is willing to sleep with me and thats as far as it will go because I don't see myself with someone like her. Just sleeping with her. I know this is wrong in every single way. I can not control myself when she comes around. I want to stay with my wife and have a normal family life and enjoy the little things in life, but due to sexual inactivity my concentration is off on almost everything in life. I want divorce to not even be in my vocabulary, but feel like I am not left with a choice. Please reply with your advices. I am lost and want to find my way through islam not any other..

Thanks,

Phil.


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25 Responses »

  1. Muhammed Mohsin Ismail:We had in complete sexual intercourse last in 2nd june-2015. She gets anxiety attacks and such being around us,because i am a patient of epilepsy for last 15 to 20 years and i want to come out of my epilepsy shocks...i am not mentally prepared before sexual intercourse with my wife..... met a co-worker in a very personal way and she is willing to sleep with me and that's as far as it will go because I don't see myself with someone like her.....but due to sexual inactivity my concentration is off on almost everything in life.

    You both have problems. What do you mean by "i am not mentally prepared before sexual intercourse". You mentioned you had incomplete sexual Intercourse. You found a woman who is willing to sleep with you without any strings attached....What is the main reason keeping you from doing sex with your wife?

  2. FIRST OF ALL cut your connections with the co-worker .... ASAP ...... today itself ....from this very moment.

    did you understand brother. very good.

  3. First of all I want to thank anyone that will take a few minutes to read and reply to my post. May Allah reward all good deeds. Here is my story.

    I am a 33 years old Muslim man with one kid from my wife.i already divorced in 2014 ....We married back in 2014 and mashallah now have 1 beautiful child. A few years ago my wife developed addiction to pain killer medication. Not knowing how severe this is, I didn't know how to deal with this. There was a lot of arguements during these 3-5 years. she said she did not want to be in this relationship with me and that she again wanted a divorce. Her parents and my parents,agreed to give it another try. . We had in complete sexual intercourse last in 2nd june-2015 . I want to understand her situation, but I just can not because she barely helps out with the kid financially. She gets anxiety attacks and such being around us,because i am a patient of epilepsy for last 15 to 20 years and i want to come out of my epilepsy shocks...i am not mentally prepared before sexual intercourse with my wife.My wife's way of talking is also mis match according to my thoughts

    I don't know what to do because I am frustrated (sexually and mentally). My frustration is almost causing me to commit adultery. To avoid this I watch porn and masturbate once a week. I want to do the right thing for the sake of my one kid, but I feel like my wife has changed so much. I don't even feel like I know her anymore. Even after all this I feel like it is my responsibility to provide my kid and feel like one day she will come around but don't know when and don't know how much longer I should wait. In the mean time I have met a co-worker in a very personal way and she is willing to sleep with me and thats as far as it will go because I don't see myself with someone like her. Just sleeping with her. I know this is wrong in every single way. I can not control myself when she comes around. I want to stay with my wife and have a normal family life and enjoy the little things in life, but due to sexual inactivity my concentration is off on almost everything in life. but feel like I am not left with a choice. Please reply with your advices. I am lost and want to find my way through islam not any other..

    Thanks,

  4. Simple. Divorce her. Its actually recommended in Islam to divorce this type of woman.

    All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad , is His Slave and Messenger.

    It should be noted that a wife is obliged to obey her husband if he calls her to his bed. It is impermissible for her to refuse her husband’s request in this case as underlined in Fataawa 88547 and 100429.

    The number of times when the husband repeats his request for his wife in this case cannot be estimated; as a wife should obey her husband as long as there is no valid and legitimate excuse to refuse his request. If a husband calls his wife to bed and she refuses with no valid and legitimate excuse, she is considered a recalcitrant wife (Naashiz). Please refer to Fataawa 85402 and 84120 on the best way to deal with the wife's recalcitrance.

    You stated that you asked your wife to leave the house and said to her, “It is over!” In fact, such expressions do not constitute an effective divorce unless you held the intention of divorce while uttering them. These expressions are metaphors of divorce. Please refer to Fataawa 90416 and 92649.

    However, we advise you to follow the steps explained in the Fatwa on the optimal way to deal with the wife’s recalcitrance. You may also seek the mediation of wise family members, if needed. If she stops being Naashiz, then nothing more is required; however, if she proves obstinate and persistently adheres to her recalcitrance, you may consider divorcing her. Divorce may be the greater benefit as a last resort. Ibn Qudaamah wrote, “The marital relationship between the spouses might become bad; it would be definite evil and harm for their marriage to continue if the husband is obliged to provide sustenance and shelter and keep his wife while their marital relationship is unbearable and they are in a state of continuous quarrel. This would be with no benefit. Such cases entailed setting a legislation for ending the marital relationship so as to put an end to the resulting harm.” [Al-Mughni]

    Finally, it should be noted that you have the right to refuse divorcing her until she pays financial compensation for her separation.

    Allaah Knows best.

    http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=257920

    I suggest you divorce her and re-marry. As for keeping two wives, that requires justice and I doubt that there are many men, especially in the West, who can financially afford two wives and it seems in your case you won't even be able to split your nights equally between two wives, therefore I strongly encourage you to ignore

    a) the people telling you to practice polygamy. You don't want to risk being raised half-paralysed on the day of judgement because some dreamy bloke on the net gave you unfeasible advice which the majority of Muslim men today, especially in the West, can not afford, as rent, bills, fees and groceries keep on getting more expensive day by day.

    b) the people telling you not to divorce. In Islam it is actually recommended for you to divorce in such a case. You will be rewarded greatly for divorcing her. There are many children of divorced couples who are living happily Alhamdulillah, content with what Allah has decreed for them. You don't want to risk losing your chastity for such a woman do you?

    • Salam,

      I wonder if your advice would be the same if the Op was a sister? As these sorts of post usually come from women a on out their husband not fullfilling their rights and having affairs with other women or checking out other women. Most people advice sisters to be patient for the sake of kids and bear it all! That they will be rewarded and they should think of others before their desires and happiness.

      Sisters are often advised to suppress their happiness desires for the family's sake and become a martyr in the marriage! Brothers are so easily advised to divorce instantly for any little problem!

      I can see in this post that the wife has medical issues which constituted to her behavoiur. And also it seems she may be non muslim, as no muslim women would wear a bikini! (I would assume brothers would select a practising muslima for marriage) so the op should not be surprised as non muslim women wear what they like, bikini is normal for them and talking to other men. Its not seen as something bad. Its their daily life!

      Im sure if it was a sister everyone would advise that she needs to work with him to help him in his medical problems and in coming closer to Allah! Ironic!

  5. why do people advice...

    (Remainder of comment removed by Editor)

    • elemantal, I find some of your comments to be unnecessarily judgmental and harsh. I have deleted some of them, and I'm putting you on moderated status.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. AA;

    Subhan Allah, I usually let the sisters to be patient and try to work things out. Alhamdolellah now I am telling a man to do the same so people do not think I am chauvinistic 🙂

    I like to add brother, our life is a sequence of tests! You can not solve an issue be doing another wrong. I knwo there are different levels of wrong but stay with the right and it will be better for all inshallah. What if you get used to self pleasure, or porn, that will cause issues for you when she get back inshallah, or marry someone else. So, please make du'a, pray more, fast more, busy your self with the kids, and be "patient". Inshallah you will both pass this test 🙂

    If I am correct, it is from Allah. If I err, it is from me and I pray Allah forgive me.

    May Allah guide you and shower you all with his mercy.

    AA

    Just a Man

  7. apart from the obvious .... an depressed, addicted and a loose woman ...

    not the thing u want hear but i wud suggest d i v o r c e

    then start with some one else afresh. there r loads of gud women out there.

    if u stay as u r then u too will b more likely to be addicted to something and as a result u 'll lose in both duniya as well akhira.

    it seems ur duniya is already being lost. it may seem hard but cut ur losses now and enjoy what little life u have left.

  8. Ask her if she still loves you at all, going to the beach with non-mahrams is something you don't even do

    as a non-Muslim in a relationship. You should honestly ask her about her feelings. Abstaining from sexual

    activity for almost a year would even make a monk or priest weak.

    • "Abstaining from sexual

      activity for almost a year would even make a monk or priest weak."

      ofcourse it does.

      when these poor priests are told they cant get married and fulffil their desire as they are there to serve the community [eventhough he can do both], and then he comes into contact with vulnerable little girls, the sexual desire will explode at that moment.

      it is like being told your whole life you cant eat cakes etc, then oneday you come into a room alone with a gigantic sponge cake, you would aotomatically dive in and lick the icing off.

      i really feel pity for those priests

      • I'd love to know what you then think of our young Muslim brothers across the world who are at the peak of their sex drive in their teens and can't get married.

  9. Well, obviously your wife isn't interested in giving you your rights. She does not even make an

    attempt to fulfil your desires. Desires are part of human nature, and it is not right to suppress them, Islam

    is not like Christianity. I mean of course suppressing them unnaturally, Brother, you have met this woman

    who is not mahram to you and feel attracted to her, I would confront my wife directly, your desires and rights

    don't have to remain a secret. Tell her that if she doesn't fulfil your rights, she has to face the music. Normally

    I'm a charismatic defender of women's rights, but in that case, she neglects you and doesn't seem to bother.

    You are not simply interested in having fun, you don't have access to a wife and should consider halal options.

  10. Honestly I'll say this, and it might not be supported by other. The reason why things like mastebation and pornography are makruh are because they distort the image and take away the sexuality between you and your partner. However if you are in danger of committing zina, I have heard ulemas from both Shia and Sunna say it is allowed.

    So please do not fall into zina. I would also consider ta'laaq since she doesn't seem to responsive to changing herself despite your support.

    • You cannot put masturbation and pornography in the same category. Masturbation has been allowed if a person fears falling into zinaa. However, pornography is unequivocally forbidden in all circumstances.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Wael could you please provide the rationale for this dichotomy? Both actions involve a distortion of the opposite sex.

        • I don't see how masturbation involves a distortion of the opposite sex. It's merely self-pleasure. You cannot put it in the same category as pornography, a filthy worldwide industry that degrades women, involves people committing zinaa and adultery, spreads disease, and corrupts the minds of the youth.

          Furthermore it has been explicity forbidden in Islam to commit zinaa, and to view the nakedness of anyone other than one's spouse. Such clear prohibitions do not exist against masturbation.

          I'm not trying to promote masturbation. I'm just saying that you cannot equate it with pornography. They are not even close in degree.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Isn't it surprising that everyone has given the brother the advice to stay away from zina but no one spoke anything about his wife who has taken sexy pictures in bikini and with other non-mahram males?

    The solution is not simple, but I have some simple pieces of advice for you:

    01. Have straight talk with you wife. Why did she developed addiction to pain killer? Was she suffering from any depression? Why the recovery and rehabilitation have to be somewhere else outside of your house?

    02. If she is addicted, how can she is taking pictures and socializing with other men? Talk about it with her. Let her know that you want to make your marriage work, and also let her know that she will have to co-operate both mentally and physically.

    03. Your wife is not obliged to provide you with financial assistance. If she does not give her money to you willfully, you cannot demand anything from her.

    04. Resisting temptation is hard, but zina is not an option. If you fear that you will commit zina, may be you can marry your co-worker. However, marriage cannot take place only to fulfill desire, if both of you do not agree about some other commitments. If your marriage does not work out with your first wife, you should be very careful about choosing your second wife, because you should find a wife who would love your children and take good care of them. Remember that your second marriage will tremendously affect your children psychologically.

    05. Pray to Allah to make your affairs easy.

    • Lol thats okay brother, we'll ignore the part about the bikini photos, its the woman's mistake not the man's. 🙂

      Actually I thought the same thing and this part stayed foremost in my mind when thinking of this brothers situation.

      So brother Phil..other than what everybody here has adviced you, all I want to add is, unless she changes her ways, do you/should you even keep her as your wife if she finds it acceptable to be taking sexy photos with strange men?

      I understand that your situation is a very painful one and made even more difficult knowing that you both share children. Divorce is the very last resort if children are involved in a marriage (not to say that it should be easily resorted to if children aren't involved) and I know how it feels as a parent to feel somewhat responsible and guilty for it. However, as you have said it, unless she changes her ways, are you really left with any other choice?
      The only other choice I can think of, if you really cant imagine divorcing her for your childrens sake, or whatever reason, is to marry again.

      Remember, adultery is haraam whereas polygamy is halaal.

      Was salaam

    • Good point brother Stranger, I wrote the response quick and I didnt notice it so thank you for pointing that out. He raises a good point, it is more complex than just avoid zina. You need to ascertain whether or not you can continue your marriage with your wife. Is she willing to change etc. If it has past that stage and she is unwilling to change strongly advise you to consider divorce or polygamy. Chances are if your wife is acting the way she is she would be unlikely to kick up a big fuss if you took another wife. Her behaviour is unacceptable. I
      Speak to her one last time try to get through to her. If it fails follow the route to re-marry. Whether you divorce or not is up to you.

      Be there for your kids though, show them you love them as it will be difficult for them. And whatever you do avoid zina at all costs. I agree with the tips to avoid zina.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. How about going for bowling , chess , or indoor games like video games n all that stuff

  13. ASA!
    I think everyone has made it clear enough to stay away from your co-worker! First of all, it's wrong but secondly, this is what you say " she is willing to sleep with me and thats as far as it will go because I don't see myself with someone like her. Just sleeping with her", now I ask you, Why are you using her? Just to satisfy you needs?? How can someone be good enough for you to sleep with her but not good enough to be with her... you say " someone like her".
    In life, we are faced with many challanges, wether or not we make the right decision can be hard, but at the end of the day you will feel much better knowing that you walked away from temptation.

    Do other things to keep your mind busy... spend time with your children, read the quaron...

    You are not the only man going through something like that... sleeping with someone else is NOT the answer, it may be the easiest but you don't know what that bring along... STD's, broken marriage, fired from work... I mean think of all the possibilities.

    May Allah swt guide you

    AMIRA

  14. Brother, zina is not an alternative that u will consider... Atleast even Allah knows that u being depressed, now if u go on disobeying Him(swt) how would u expect rahma from Him(swt) . . . . . . I will strongly advice U to consider marrying another woman as second wife since Allah has given u d permission to marry maximum of four women (if u know u can maintain justice between them).. . U can as well seperate them by housing them in different areas/cities so as to prevent quarrels or problems between them. . . . Another thing is that do not consider mastubation as an alternative coz u accumulating health problems to ur sexual organ and life.. . . As a male when mastubating, not all d sperm released will come out and some will go back as dead sperm. High accumulation of these dead sperm in d male sexual organs results in low erection, low sperm count, also leads to impotency.. .. So brother, for the sake of ur health pls stop masturbating.. . . . .

  15. Salaam Phil.

    First, I strongly advise you to keep far away from your co-worker. I would advise that anyway but given the state you are in you are even more vulnerable. Do not consider zina and do not give in. It is not worth the sin even if you are frustrated. I know you are likely to say I am a sister, I do not understand. That is partially true but for the sake of your deen please control yourself. Here are some tips:

    For the time being try fasting as much as you can. Keep away from this co -worker and from other women and keep yourself as busy as you can. Spend as much time with kids as possible with activities etc. Be busy in useful things. Spend time praying. Honestly try fasting first one day sincerely for Allah swt and it will re-charge you InshaAllah. Read Qur'an, of course do your salat. These things are a shield. There are many in your situation who have been able to do zina but who have fought it so increase your emaan and save yourself from shaytaan. Avoid putting yourself in any situation that can lead to sex and if you can avoid porn and masterbation. Especially porn. If masterbation is preventing you from zina then some scholars argue in this scenario it is permissible.

    Also confront your wife. Do it non-accusingly but you have the right to a healthy marriage and sex life. You could even seduce her if you so wish? She is your wife and I appreciate it is difficult for you. If she is not willing to sort out the problems in your marriage and be your wife properly seriously consider divorce or even polygamy. Let her know you miss her at home as well.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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