Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents say they will kill me if I leave this forced marriage

Husband and wife tied-up in chains

I am 20 years old my name is fathima I was married in 2009 but only due to emotional blackmail. My mom blackmailed me and forced me a lot and I got married in 2009.

I was forced very badly from the day of marraige till now I could not accept my husband I don't like him before marraige no physical relationship nothing.

I told my parents I am not able to accept him and I want khula. My parents are threatening me, they said me they will kill me if I don't accept him. I've tried a lot to accept him but I couldn't.

I cant go out my husband is also with my parents. I am in a deep depression. Please help me by giving me a good suggestion.


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19 Responses »

  1. ASA!!
    Sorry to hear about your situation sister!
    Marriage should be something beautiful, that person you look forward to see and talk to,to be there when you need help and to be there to help that person. It's about being a team. It seems like you don't have that and unfortunatly your parents are not of much help! I would advice you to get your stuff, some money and walk away... as far as possible and don't look back! Do you have a friend? Or a close family member that would help? Or maybe someone you trust from the mosque? Talk to someone about this... you are young! and have a life ahead! Don't let anyone tie you down to someone you don't love!! GET HELP ASAP!!

    Wish you the best!!

  2. Salam Fathima,

    Amira is absolutely correct...marriage is a time of happiness, joy and love. It's so sad to hear that your mother would force you into a marriage you do not want. Forced marriage in Islam is forbidden...period.

    For your mother to threaten to kill you because you want divorce is appalling. Do not spend another moment of your day wondering who is going to be mad at you or who you are going to upset. This is YOUR life. Go to the local masjid where you live and seek help. Do not let anyone push you into staying with someone whom you do not wish to be with. You deserve a life of happiness and to be with someone whom you wish to be with.

    Amira is right...if you have a close family friend or relative, ask for their help. You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy. This silliness of families marrying off their daughters as if they are cattle and have no say has no place in Islam. It has to stop.

    May Allah almighty guide you and keep you safe from harm.


  3. I checked the archive of this site and it seems that there are a lot of questions posted about the matter of forced marriages. I am wondering , maybe this is an act to defame Islam by some non-muslims . I am not naive , I do agree forced marriages happen in some poor , uneducated parts of the world .

    I can't understand how (forced marriages) can occur in a family where the girl is educated , have a job , have knowledge about Islam and her rights . However , there is a possibility that forced marriages can occur in poor , illiterate families .

    The people who post questions are literate , I suppose . I don't know how this phenomenon exists in these families .

    I maybe wrong about this but this is something which really confuses me . My intention is not to attack/mock some one .


    • It's not an act, and it occurs even in families that are educated. Unfortunately it is quite common. Most of these families would probably not call it "forced". In reality what happens is the parents put extreme emotional pressure on their son or daughter, until he/she caves in and agrees. So it's not "forced" in a physical sense - the child gives consent in the end - but it's the result of emotional blackmail and pressure.

      Wael Editor

    • Dear Lala,

      this never happened to you does not mean that it does not happen. we are not the Muslims we are the slaves of our traditions and culture that is the fact. I am from a well educated family and it happened to me and i signed the marriage paper although i was devastating, just to shut the mouth of relatives and people whom my mother cared more than my happiness. i hate my life now, i don't know what to do. whenever i see him i feel more depressed. A good wife in Islam respects the husband and i sometimes out of my frustration and depression behaved rudely. Who is responsible for all this?

      • Sister can you answer me one thing?as i want to save someones life who is becoming the vicim of foce marraige. it is personal but please guide me so i will help her.
        1) is your husband ever force you for intercourse mean to say you do this with your will or in pressure?
        2)why you feel depress?is he is not a good man in character
        3)you not feel comfortable with him during husband wife relationship?
        4)till your marraige he cares for you still you don't have emotions for him?
        plz guide us so one life will be saved as i guide her and help her for the sake of Allah

  4. Fathima, if you want to get out of this marriage, then I suggest that you pack a bag secretly, wait until your husband is out of the house and go. You can either go to the house of a friend whom you trust, or to a women's shelter. Make sure you have contacted the shelter in advance and that they have a place for you.

    In the long run, I don't know. Perhaps you can move to another city and get a job. You are young and you have many opportunities ahead of you. Don't allow others to force you into a life that you do not want. But do be careful please.

    Wael Editor

  5. Salam Fatima sis .
    sorry to heard you .i have read ur story sis & 1st thought came in my mind after reading ur lines .there is no need to run aways. b coz out of ur home ppl r more wild rather then ur parents.u must consultant any person who elder then ur parents ,or Lawyer .be strong & don't do nay thing wrong which make ur position more ba if they treated u already worst . one thing keep in ur mind .ur not alone in the world .mostly marriage bring sorrow in our life but that was the correct time to make ur life good or bad u have to choose right path .MAY ALLAH HELP YOU .
    AMEEN .

  6. Dear Fathima

    The same thing happened to me in 1999. I had just turned 17 I also had a abusive and violent father. Today I am travelling the world independently and am again in touch with my family I visit them on important occaisons Eid etc. I basically have my own life. It was not easy. I did not see them for 5 years - at all. My father came to my university and attacked me . We had to got to court. I had younger brothers and sisters that grew up without me.

    Decide what you want. Appreciate that it may not be the same thing that your parents want for you or of you.
    Accept that you may not see your family for a long time. My extended family did nothing to help and used it as a time to mock my parents. Today what is happening or has happened in their famillies- they no longer have this superiority.

    What is important is the decision you make for your life. Will you choose a life where you are in control of your own destiny and the destiny of your children?? - or will you choose the life in which others have chosen your destiny??

    Today I am coming to terms with what happend and how to overcome it. Life is not perfect but at least I am living the life I want. I never understood why my parents would do something like this to me I was a good kid and I did everything they asked of me. Today I see the reasons they may have had... However, I will never see why they forced ... I was such a honest child. I guess that is the reason why I could not stay in the marriage the deceit.

    My only regret today hand on heart is that I spent three years at home thinking my parents had made a mistake, realise their mistake, and end their marriage. The truth is that my parents had not made a mistake, they did this according to their wishes. They knew I wanted to go to University but they did not care. Their is nothing Islamic about this type of marriage -it is shameful that they use Islam to coat thisbehaviour with to make it palatable.

    Every day I learn to accept this a bit more. Every day I live more of the life I want.

  7. i think parents need to understand a forced marriage will spoil there girls life, and its not a valid marriage until a girl is happy,

  8. Hi there, can you all please tell me the signs to force marriage
    Suh as what kinda black mailing, what kinda pressure they put u in.. Can u please
    Reply ASAP its important for me to know..!!
    Thank you

    • Sanna, a forced marriage might be done without your permission or knowledge; or it might be anything where you feel compelled or coerced, as if you don't have a choice. For example if you are told that if you do not comply you will be kicked out of the house, or disowned, or will cause your parents to die, or your passport is withheld so you cannot leave, or anything of that kind.

      Wael Editor

  9. Assalamalikum,

    I'm writing in response to Lala's comment.Forced marriages are a common phenomenon amongst educated people too.Children are put under emotional pressure to marry the person chosen by their parents.Hadiths and other texts about disobedience to parents is quoted from the Quran to convince young adults to marry someone of their choice.I know somone very closely who was raised in the US.Her parents are doctors and are very successful people mashAllah.They chose a guy from India for her and asked her to get married to him.She refused but her mom blackmailed her into marrying him.No one knows the real story but there are rumors that her mom threatened to kill herself if the girl didn't go ahead with the marriage.The marriage lasted for 5 years during which the girl became seriously depressed and would have violent episodes whenever her husband tried to get intimate with her.She just cou;dn't accept him.He was raised in India and had never traveled internationally.They are poles apart in terms of everything money, status, looks.After about 5 years and no kids, the guy's parents filed for a divorce.Now the girl is married to another guy with 3 kids but takes anti depressant medication and has long term memory issues.The guy is happily married to another lady and has 4 kids.

    SubhanAllah I feel so sad when I think of my cousin.She is the one who has mental health issues and has to take anti depressan medication life long.All of this just because her parents forced her to marry someone she had never met before and refused to listen to her.

    • Dear Neda, this would be my future as well. I really do not know what to do. i was madly and badly asking everyone to help me as i did not want to marry him and after my Nikah everyone says now you are in Nikah so its a sin to talk and think of divorce. i am so much into depression that sometimes i just cannot do anything. I have no interest in him. I used to like someone else now i miss him so much.

  10. Hi my family is planning to get me married to someone without my concerent and they are planning to get me married from back home and i dont want to get married to someone from back home as its difficult to bring them here plz reply bk asap....

  11. Dear Fatima,
    I am suffering from the same situation. my family forced me into a nikah. I do not feel anything for this person although he is a nice person but i feel dragging myself into a relationship so hard that i'm the same depressed. I do not know what to say to you, it is like someone is telling me my own story but i can totally understand your feelings. My case is much worse because i'm much older and i used to like someone else. All i would say is that your parents can not kill you its just emotional blackmailing again so do not worry and make your mind and go for it if you are not happy.

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