Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I get divorced or stay in this marriage, really confused?

And if you be apprehensive that you will not be able to do justice to the orphans, you may marry two or three or four women whom you choose. But if you apprehend that you might not be able to do justice to them, then marry only one wife, or marry those who have fallen in your possession. (Maududi, The Meaning of the Qur’an, vol. 1, p. 305)

And if you be apprehensive that you will not be able to do justice to the orphans, you may marry two or three or four women whom you choose. But if you apprehend that you might not be able to do justice to them, then marry only one wife, or marry those who have fallen in your possession. (Maududi, The Meaning of the Qur’an, vol. 1, p. 305)

My husband hated me. I loved him. He was so brutally handsome with excruciatingly handsome features. He married me out of 'family pressure' and due to his need of satisfying himself.
I wasn't good-looking and he had wanted to marry a really beautiful woman who 'matched' his figure. Instead he was married to me. One day at the dinner table he dropped the bombshell. He said he was marrying another woman-a woman who could meet his standards and 'stand with him in society'.

I was dumbfounded as he told me of what he was about to do. I slipped into my bedroom, locked the door so he could not come in and I burst out crying. I wept for hours before I called my eldest sister for moral support(my parents had passed away in Pakistan). I told her about my husband and what he was about to do. Aapi was a tafseer lecturer in our town. My sister admonished me and told me that my husband has a right to marry another woman as long as he treats us fairly. I said O wanted a divorce. My sister told me that I should fear Allah, if this was written in my fate by Allah then I would have no choice but to follow and by going against Allah's will I was committing kufr. She said by divorcing him I would lose my husband completely to the other woman so I should concentrate on what was left of my marriage.

Anyways when my husband was sleeping I went over to him, took his phone out, looked through the history and dialled the number that was named 'Rukhsana'. I called her and pleaded with her to leave my husband alone. Rukhsana simply chided me and told me that at least I wouldn't have to 'f*** so hard' ( these were her words).

Next morning my brother-in-law and eldest sister came over and told my husband there was nothing wrong if he married a second as long as I was fair. My sister also tried explaining this to me.My husband was outraged that I had told my family. But this did force him to reconsider abandoning me totally for that second woman. I still could not bring myself to accept the situation. I was in tears, pain and utter agony all the time. The night of his wedding when he was away was the most painful. I left on that night to go to my second eldest sister's house.

My second eldest sister was shocked when I told him about my husband's second marriage. I had always spoken so lovingly and positively about my husband to my family, they did not know he never loved me. She was disgusted. But my brother-in-law did not let me stay and I returned the next morning back home. My husband was angry that I had 'disappeared' and suspected that I was having illicit relations behind his back and that was where I had disappeared.

Anyways, I tried doing as my eldest sister had advised. I took care of my appearance to attract my husband's attention when he was with me. I did everything that an obedient and pious wife does. I cooked elaborate dishes for him, gave him intense massages and ironed and washed his clothes with my own hands lovingly. I showered him with more love and attention as I had never done before and I took care of every minute detail in the house for him and never gave him a chance to complain.

He began to regret that he had taken a second wife when he saw what a good wife I was trying to be. He told me his second wife never did what I did for him. He began to love me more than he ever did before. He said he loved me more than her now but he couldn't leave his second wife now because he had no reason to divorce her and it would just cost him more sins to divorce her for no reason. He says he is stuck in between two walls, one is his regret of how he hurt me and the other is that he can't divorce her.

But ever since his second wife has been pregnant she has been pestering my husband to leave me because she doesn't want her child to think that its mum 'stole' another woman's happiness.

And just a week ago, my younger brother in Cardiff found out when my second eldest sister told him of what my husband did and he was outraged. He called me and asked how I was living with an incredibly 'selfish' man? He said my husband did not deserve me and I shouldn't live with 'that' man a minute longer who prioritized his lust over my feelings. He said I should leave my husband and that he(my brother) will support me. My brother says I have no self-respect to live with such a person, and in tears he said he can't understand why any husband would do what he did to me.

I really don't know what to do. After all the pain I have been through I feel so numb and it seems to me my fate doesn't matter each way. But these accusations by my brother that I have no self-respect and that I deserve more than a man like my husband have really touched me. My eldest sister still thinks that by divorcing my hubby I am the only one losing as I am losing all my husband to his other wife. I really do not know what to do.

Should I or should I not leave my husband?

Rukhsana123.

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53 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister, I can understand your situation and as I was reading your post I can feel your pain. I have just come out of a similar situation to yours the only diffrence between me and you is that I had a love marriage.

    I tried like yourself to make my marriage work, when my husband got married to another girl... But that num feeling and constant thought of what they do together and how he treats her it killed me. I believe that was the day I died and now I am just living as a dead sole. I listened to my mum and my family who insisted I stay with him, 6 months after my husband divorced his second wife and tried to focus on our marriage, because he had done it once he opened a door for himself to do it again which he did a few months ago.

    Sister how much is one wife suppossed to tolerate? I agree in islam Allah has granted a man to marry 4 wife's at one time so long he treats them equal, but Allah has also given you as a women a wife a right to, it clearly states in the Quran (may allah correct me if I am wrong) but from what I have read it does say if a wife in unhappy in her marriage she can ask/get a divorce.

    If you want to stay with your husband and he is treating you fair and you can bare the fact he has a second wife and a baby on the way this decision only you can make dear sister, it is going to be the hardiest decision on your life, you can learn from my mistakes or you can make your own.

    I stayed with my husband while he was married to his second wife he then divorced her giving me great relief but after 2 years he did it again now it's a different ball game because I am not prepared to accept it which is why I have got a kulla.

    It must be a really difficult time for you, but please think about yourself and think realistically, the other women has a child on the way that will change allot of things. Don't put yourself down appearance is something which we can improve by looking after ones self, I don't have by issues with my looks I'm a very attractive young girl but my husband wasn't all that, but look he still cheated me. So looks don't make a diffrence, I'm 29 and I have two beautiful children the last six years of marriage have been hell for me, I never thought I would come out from it but alhamdulila I am in such a better position today.

    Read your namaaz and pray to Allah, inshallah your dua's will be answered really soon, I will remember you ad other own in this position in my Dua's it's most probably the most difficult intayam a women has to go through but please stay strong inshallah Allah will guide you to the right path.

    Mariam x

  2. ASA sis..I am a second wife as well however my situation was different. Look ALLAH set doesn't want to see us miserable. This life isn't for everyone and it isn't compulsory. My husband first wife didn't like me because of my race and bcos she can't give him children like I can do to fertility issue so there is jealousy and kids compound the situation as the father will hang around more if a kid is involved- look if you aren't happy leave! It isn't written that you be unhappy

  3. People like your younger brother are a FITNAH o our ummah.
    Your husband did nothing wrong.

    • A brother who is concerned about his sister in my eyes is a great brother. More brothers should be like him!

    • how her brother is fitnaa..

      the way his husband marry and hurt his wife so everything is allowed for husband wah

      what about wives who hurt by husband

    • He's looking out for his sister and Ur calling him a fitna?!!! Are u foolish?! He's seeing how sad she is and is trying to help her. Yeesh! What a noble and honourable man he is.

  4. Your situation is a nice moral lesson for thise men who look outside for more when they have everything they need at home.

    Islam allows polygyny(merely permissible, NOT a sunnah) but this doesn't mean Muslim men should act like total idiots. Your husband should have considered your feelings just as Ali(ra) did for Hadhrat Fatima(ra).

    Remember in a time when monogamy was uncommon is society, the Prophet(SAW( remained married to ONLY one woman for the duration of their marriage.
    All his later marriages had some sort of soci-economic-religious purpose.
    I think men should be in either of these two categories.
    1) monogamists(which is the majority of Muslim men)
    2) Polygamists but who do polygamy with some good purpose behind it(though there is no such requirement in Shariah).
    The two major clauses that i find in nikkah contracts during the Middle Ages and Ottoman Empire were stipulation of maintenance ( obligation to live with the in-laws or obligation to have one specific house-type) and no second wife taken.

    I believe that anyone can read up nikkah agreements in proeminents libraries, enjoy it is in Arabic, you just need to sign up. Google it

    Sisters, IF illiterate women 500 years ago put the no second marriage clause in their marriage contracts with their husbands, then why not us educated Muslim women of this century?

    • Assalamu'alaikum Rukhsana and Rashida,

      Rashida, what is the no second marriage clause? It is not something legible. Polygyny is something allowed and can not be restricted, as long as the man treats the women fairly. This is an Aayah in the Quran saying such. He Subhaanah Says in Surah an Nisaa, Aayah 3:

      And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.

      The poster should stay and obey his husband and console him. Her husband should not leave her, nor the second woman. He should treat them equally and should not leave either of them. He was the one who decided to marry both. So he should take care of them both.

      Sister Rukhsana123, you have a chance to spend your life like 'Aaishah bint Abu Bakr Radiyallahu Anhuma, like Hafsah bint Umar Radiyallahu Anhuma and other mothers of the believers Radiyallahu Anhunna. Yes, the different feeling will exist, but patience will in sha Allah be rewarded. (The reason why Surah at Tahrim's first Aayah was revealed involved such feeling among the mothers of the believers, Radiyallahu Anhunna) As long as your husband fulfils his duties, and that does not become a reason for divorce, you can not ask for it.

      You do not have to feel sad, as long as you receive love and affection from him, as long as he gives you all your rights. Your brother is not correct in whatever he intends. I know he cares for you, but he can not give you the satisfaction that your husband can. He can provide for you and can take care of you, but can not bring you the life of a wife.

      Sister, it is not bad to live a second wife. You should read the lives of our mothers, the mothers of the believers in order to learn it better. Say the same to your husband and talk to the other woman if possible. Your eldest sister is right in my view. She has experience and talks sense. Divorce is not a child play, and being in a polygamy is not wrong. So I advise you to stay and have patience, and make the marriage work, with complete trust in Allah.

      Abu Abdul Bari
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Your advice is very much valued brother Abu Abdul Bari, I'm sure many women in this situation will respect your knowledge and advice like I have.

        But, what about the pain of sharing a husband? Is this really fair for a women to go through? I completely admit Allah does not appreciate talaq, and I would never suggest for any husband or wife to take such steps, unless there is a valid reason which again brings me to the same question what about the wife's pain? Not everyone women is the same when it comes to dealing with such emotions, I am not educated in islam apart from following my five pillars of islam, which makes me believe that Allah would not want his creation to suffer? While her husband enjoys free will?

        I'm really confused, as I was in a similar situation so I know the pain which comes with this, perhaps I have made a sin by getting a kulla but I had no choice as my husband complete destroyed me, I would hate to think that we were advising another women to put up with it because its allowed etc? Without thinking about her.

        Apologies in advance if I offend anyone's advice my opinion is merely just of my own, another womens voice...

        Jazzakallah.

        • Sister, I understand what you mean.

          The confusion you have is actually serious. It asks why Allah allowed polygamy. When Allah chose this to happen, it happened. And all of this does not oppose His Justice to the least. He Is The Most Just and His Law never opposes His Justice.

          There is no pain-point in such a relation, as much for a woman, than for a man. It is more difficult for a man to be in a polygamy, than for a woman. A woman may feel bad about 'sharing her husband', but if she patiently deals with her husband and his other wives, she can very well make her way to the Jannah if Allah Wills. The route becomes easier for her.

          But for the husband, acting fairly between wives is very difficult. He needs to have high amount of patience and the skill of keeping all of them happy. It is difficult to act justly, as he has to deal with all of them justly. While, the wife has to only deal with her husband. This is why Allah Told the man to marry only one if he fears that he won't act justly.

          Allah Instructs the husband thus in Surah an Nisa, Aayah 129:

          You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

          In no way does this relation, according to the Sharee'ah, become a pain-point to a woman, except that she 'shares' her husband with another woman, but is loved equally as the other women. In practice, it is very difficult to find that a man does justice with all his wives, illa ma sha Allah.

          The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was the best of all husbands in dealing with his wives. If you read his life, you come to know what problems he faced and how he dealt with them. You can read the thoughts of the mothers of the believers Radiyallahu Anhunna and the attitude of our beloved Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and his response to those thoughts, or the responce of Allah Himself.

          For instance, our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam ate honey at the house of Zainab bint Jahsh Radiyallahu Anha.

          The Hadith appears in Bukhari and other books of Hadith:

          “The Holy Prophet (upon whom be peace) usually paid a daily visit to all his wives after the `Asr Prayer Once it so happened that he began to stay in the house of Hadrat Zainab bint-Jahsh longer than usual, for she had received some honey from somewhere as a gift and the Holy Prophet was very fond of sweet things; therefore, he would have a drink of honey at her house. Hadrat 'A'ishah states that she felt envious of this and spoke to Hadrat Hafsah, Hadrat Saudah and Hadrat Safiyyah about it and together they decided that whoever of them was visited by the Holy Prophet, she should say to him: 'Your mouth smells of maghafir ' Maghafir is a kind of flower, which gives out an offensive smell, and if the bee obtains honey from it, it is also tainted by the same odor. They all knew that the Holy Prophet was a man of very fine taste and he abhorred that he should emit any kind of unpleasant smell. There fore, this device was contrived to stop him from staying in the house of Hadrat Zainab and it worked. When several of his wives told him that his mouth smelt of Maghafir, he made a promise not to use the honey any longer. In one tradition his words are to the effect "Now, I will never have a drink from it: I have sworn an oath. " In another tradition he only said: "I will never have a drink from it," and there is no mention of the oath And in the tradition which Ibn al Mundhir, Ibn Abi Hatim, Tabarani and Ibn Marduyah have related from Ibn 'Abbas the words are to the effect: "By Allah, I will not drink it!"

          Allah then revealed this Aayah in Surah at Tahrim:

          1. O Prophet! Why do you ban (for yourself) that which Allah has made lawful to you, seeking to please your wives? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
          2. Allah has already ordained for you (O men), the dissolution of your oaths. And Allah is your Maula (Lord, or Master, or Protector, etc.) and He is the All-Knower, the All-Wise.

          The reason that a husband marries another woman does not always mean that he is not pleased with his first wife. And this does not become a valid reason for divorce, too. When you have taken the decision, it is something that has happened. So, just seek Allah's Forgiveness and hope for His Mercy.

          Certainly, it is not unfair for a woman to be in a polygamy.

          Abu Abdul Bari
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Brother jazzakallah for shedding some light on to the story of our beloved prophet may peace and blessings be upon him, you have certainly made me more curious to read more in to it. Alhamdulila.

            Again thank you, and may allah be pleased with you for the great knowledge you are sharing.

          • Assalamoalaikum Brother
            Well, from my research the no second wife clause is ALLOWED in the Nikah contract and the husband is obliged to honour that clause if he agrees to it.
            I he breaks it, then he is seen as a sinner and transgressor and the wife has a right to annul the marriage.
            Brother the contract on the Nikah will obviously not go into what is haram, it exists to restrict what is HALAL. So if the husband agrees to waive his right in the Nikah, then he is obliged to honour his promise.

            Quoted from Islam QA:
            ''Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

            If she stipulates that he should not take another wife, this is permissible. Some of the scholars said that it is not permissible, because it is restricting the husband in something that Allah has permitted to him, and it is contrary to the Qur'aan in which it says (interpretation of the meaning): “then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four” [al-Nisa’ 4:3]. It may be said in response to that that she has a reason to ask him not to marry another wife and she is not transgressing against anyone. The husband himself is the one who is giving up his right; if he has the right to marry more than one, he is giving it up. So what is to prevent this condition being valid?

            Hence the correct view with regard to this matter is the view of Imam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy on him), which is that this condition is valid. End quote.

            Al-Sharh al-Mumti’, 5/243

            It should be noted that if the husband breaks this condition, his wife does not become divorced as a result of that, rather she has the right to annul the marriage, and she may either annul it or give up the condition and accept what her husband has done, and remain as his wife.

            Shaykh Saalih al-Fawzaan (may Allah preserve him) said:

            Among other conditions that are valid in marriage is if she stipulates that he should not take another wife. If he fulfils the condition (all well and good), otherwise she has the right to annul the marriage because of the hadeeth, “The condition which most deserves to be fulfilled is that by means of which intimacy becomes permissible for you.” Similarly, if she stipulates that he should not separate her from her children or parents, this condition is valid and if he breaks it, she has the right to annul the marriage. If she stipulates that her mahr should be increased or that it should be in a specific currency, the condition is valid and binding, and he has to fulfil it, and she has the right of annulment if it is broken. In that case she has the choice and may decide any time she wants and may annul it whenever she wants, so long as there is nothing on her part to indicate that she accepts it if she knows that he has gone against what was stipulated; in that case she would no longer have the option.''

            We all know that travelling, polygamy is halal. It is the husband's right to move his wife wherever he wants, but if she stipulates that he can't then he has to honour that promise...

            ''It is narrated by al-Athram with his chain of narration that a man married a woman and (agreed to the stipulation) that she may reside in her (own) home. Thereafter he sought to transfer her elsewhere. They turned to ‘Umar (ra) in disputation.

            He (ra) said

            "Her condition is to be fulfilled."
            The man replied, "If that is the case then she is to grant the divorce (he means that she is to relinquish her condition or divorce him)."

            ‘Umar (ra) replied, "The absolute rights are (established with their) stipulations (His right is over-ruled by his agreement to her stipulation)." [2]''

            Brother I think it is very unfair to give this sister the example of the Prophet [SAW]'s wives. Because we Muslim women are to look up to the four perfect women and among those perfect four women were Maryam[ra] who never married, Khadijah[ra] a rich businesswomen of her day, Aisha[ra] who had several co-wives BUT there was also Fatima[ra] who is the head of women in paradise AND she refused to live in a polygamous relationship outright and her father supported her and sad if Ali[ra] was to take on another wife then he would have to divorce his daughter first.

            A woman who agrees to live in polygamy is in no way better or lesser than a woman who refuses to live in it.

            The only thing is that the women who lives in it is 'rewarded' for their patience.

            I really think brothers should take their wife's emotions into considerations before delving into a clearly optional practise in Islam.

          • Sister Rashida,

            Thank you for quoting the fataawa. I was not aware of "condition set". And it makes sense: if the husband agrees to give up his right, then it is fair.

            And I believe it is not unfair to take example from the wives of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. The mention of Fatimah Radiyalahu Anha you did was right. But you know the reason for the denial from the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam? It was because the other woman Ali Radiyallahu Anhu wanted to marry was the daughter of Abu Jahl, an enemy of Allah. The Hadith is as follows:

            Narrated from Ali ibn al-Husayn:

            "Ali demanded the hand of the daughter of Abu Jahl. Fatimah heard of this and went to Allah's Messenger saying, 'Your people think that you do not become angry for the sake of your daughters as `Ali now is going to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl.'

            On that, the Messenger got up and after his recitation of Tashahud (witnessing the oneness of the Creator and the prophethood of His Final Messenger) I heard him saying, 'I married one of my daughters (Zainab) to Abu Al-`Aas ibn Ar-Rabi` before Islam and he proved truthful in whatever he said to me. No doubt Fatimah is part of me; I hate to see her troubled. By Allah, the daughter of Allah's Messenger and the daughter of Allah's enemy cannot be the wives of one man.'" [Saheeh al-Bukhaari, Vol. 4, Book 53 (Book of One-Fifth of War Booty), Hadeeth No. 2900]

            The enemies of Islam take this Hadith and use it against us saying that the Prophet opposed polygamy. But this is not true, as the Hadith clearly states: he did not want that his daughter and the daughter of an enemy of Allah were married to one man. As quoted from brother Ayman on Mulqa Alhal Hadith:

            This hadeeth is better explained in same Sahih when the following part was said before the above. He - صلى الله عليه وسلم - said: "Indeed, I shall never make what is lawful unlawful and shall not make what is unlawful as lawful but by Allah the daughter of Messenger of Allah shall not be with the daughter of Allah's enemy"

            This proves:

            1. He never obligated Ali bin abi Talib - May Allah be pleased with him - not to marry another one. That is why Ali honored his relationship with the Prophet by honoring his daughter
            2. The reason why he denied this act is not because pologymy but because this act hurt Fatima - May allah be plaesed with her - and hence that means to hurt the Prophet. So, since we are not allowed to hurt the Prophet this becomes a different case
            3. The Prophet acknowledged that this lawful however he disliked it at this particular case due what it caused him.
            4. The main reason of dispute is the fact that the other woman is the daughter of Allah's enemy.

            And yes, a woman married to a man alone is probably happier than the one in a polygamy. But this does not become a reason to seek separation. When there is incompatibility and lack of justice on part of the husband, it could be taken forward to the next level of consulting an Imam and so on.

            I agree, the men should care for the emotions of their wives.

            Abu Abdul Bari
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Wa Jazallahu Iyyaki, sister Mariam. Aameen to your Du'a

          • Brother you gave me a good explanation for the following hadith. Even I believed the logic behind your argument for a few months before something else came to my mind. Islam is a religion of justice, why would there be separate rules for the Prophet[SAW]'s daughter and a separate one for others' daughters. And Abu Jahl's daughter was a Muslimah, and keep in mind that Islam does not discriminate on the basis of paternity.
            The issue about her being Abu Jahl's daughter was basically an insult over injury. I read another extended version of the hadith and it mentions that Fatima[ra] was thinking about her situation and was disturbed and that disturbed the Prophet[SAW to see his daughter in pain]. Afteer all the Prophet[saw] himself had been binded in Nikah with the daughters of his enemies-Abu Sufyan's daughter who had converted to Islam-why would it be differnt for Ali[ra]?.
            If it was the case that there was something bad about Ali[ra] taking into his Nikah the daughter of Ali[ra] then the Prophet[saw] would be the one who would be offended first, but why was Fatima[ra] offended first? Why did she leave Ali[ra]'s house and why was 'jealousy filling Fatima[ra]'s heart] as mentions one of the hadith on this event.

          • Jazakallahu Khair for your reply,

            Brother Talha, that has nothing to do with the lady being a Muslimah, as marriage to a polytheist woman is in itself Haraam. The issue is that Allah's Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not want his daughter to br married to a man who married a daughter of Allah's enemy.

            That would have been the reason for Fatimah Radiyallahu Anha's feeling: she was the Prophet's daughter and Abu Jahl was as disliked by her as the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. Abu Sufyan was not an enemy of Allah, just that he accepted Islam later. Abu Jahr was the bittetest enemy of Allah and was also termed 'the Fir'oin of this Ummah' by Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam when he died.

            There is no scope for kalaam (rhetoric - which was much disliked by our Salaf as Saliheen) based on logic and opinions. Alhamdulillah, when we have a Hadeeth, it is enough. We hear and we obey.

            Abu Abdul Bari
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Hadhrat Ali[ra] had a high level of desire[ I think I found a passing reference to this ract in a particular hadith when Ali[ra] indirectly asked the Prophet[saw] about the pre-ejaculate fluid] which is why he had a total of 18 wives after the Prophet[saw]'s beloved daughter passed away. But Fatima[ra] never had to have a SINGLE co-wife in her life. This is an interesting piece of information for me. A sahabah with high desire who could have easily married another woman in a predominantly polygamous society had to wat till his first wife died before he started practising polygamy. This does ring alarm bells for me.
            Though it is true that the woman in question-being Abu Jahl's daughter-was one of the reasons for the objections but the MAIN reason was Fatima[ra]'s jealousy. I was informed that the scholars differ as to the understanding of this hadith but that one of the understandings was that The Prophet (saw) did not want Fatimah to be trialed in her religion with jealousy from polygamy. The daughter of Abu Jahl was just ONE aspect of the whole story.

            It is obvious and common knowledge that there is likely to be jealousy in a polygamous marriage. If in monogamous marriages we have women being jealous of their husbands because of the kind of women they work with in the office for example, then no doubt we would expect one wife being jealous of the other. However, that wasn't the concern that the Prophet (peace be upon him) had. He was more concerned with his daughters' well being in regards to her emotional state and religion. Furthermore, it is argued that both spouses must abide by the contract (either verbal or written) that they made before they got married and it was known that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stressed to Ali not to hurt Fatimah's feelings at all costs. This was a condition that Ali must abide by at all costs, since he agreed to it. Since marrying the daughter of Abu Jahl would have broken that promise, he had to resort to not marrying her. (See Ibnul Qayyim, Zaad Al-Ma'aad, Volume 5, page 117) The Prophet (peace be upon him) did not see that the religious duties of his wives were at risk just like his daughters and he saw that they were able to not let their personal problems interfere with their faith, especially since they were married to the Prophet (peace be upon him) whose character was great enough to sustain their love and ensure their happiness despite any marital difficulties. (Read Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani's Fathul Bari, Kitab: Al-Nikah, Bab: Dhabb Al-Rajul 'An Ibnatihi fi Al-Gheerah wal Insaaf, Commentary on Hadith no. 4829, Source)
            It is not true that the Prophet (peace be upon him) cited the girl being the daughter of his enemy as a reason for Ali not marrying her. Rather, the Prophet's (peace be upon him) statement was just a statement of fact in that he wanted to express what the outcome would be. This is similar to Anas bin An-Nadir's statement "By Allah, her tooth will not be broken" (Saheeh Bukhari, Volume 6, Book 60, Number 135). (Read Imam Al-Nawawi's Sharh Saheeh Muslim, Kitab: Fadaa'il Al-Sahaabah, Bab: Fadaa'il Fatimah bint Al-Nabi 'Alayhi Al-Salatu wal Salaam, Commentary on Hadith no. 4482, Source) The Prophet's (peace be upon him) intention was not to hurt the feelings of Abu Jahl's daughter, for she was a good Muslim. Rather, his statement was an attack on her father and not her. (Read Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani's Fathul Bari, Kitab: Al-Nikah, Bab: Dhabb Al-Rajul 'An Ibnatihi fi Al-Gheerah wal Insaaf, Commentary on Hadith no. 4829, Source) This is even made clearer when we look at narrations where Ikrimah the son of Abu Jahl even after converting to Islam was referred to as "the son of the enemy of Allah" (*,*).

            The Prophet (peace be upon him) himself clarified that he is doing no such thing when he said "I do not make a legal thing illegal, nor do I make an illegal thing legal" That in and of itself showed that Ali was free to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl, but it came at the cost of divorcing the daughter of the Prophet (peace be upon him) because in that specific situation it would have possibly lead to Fatimah failing to perform her religious duties properly and because Ali promised to not hurt Fatimah before they got married.

            Did Ali[ra] do anything wrong? NO. Anything immoral? No
            But did Fatima[ra] do wrong? NO

            I am simply mentioning the story of the Prophet[SAW]'s daughter to prove my point that a woman who refuses a co-wife is not less 'pious' or less better than a woman who accepts the situation.

            A great-granddaughter of the Prophet (s.a.w), Sakinah binti Hussein, a granddaughter of Ali and Fatimah, put various conditions in her marriage contract, including the condition that her husband would have no right to take another wife during their marriage

            You also have to notice that the great-granddaughter of our beloved Prophet[saw] was a member of the Salaf generations and if there were women from within the Ahlul-Bayt during those times like her, can we really say that a woman who lives in a polygamous relationship is better in 'imaan' than a woman who refuses to live in polygamy.

      • Brother, a woman is entited to a Khula in a relationship if she is not happy. And polygamy is something that definitely makes people unhappy. I know sisters who have husbands who married another wife 20 years ago and they are still crying.
        A woman is allowed a divorce for a reason as simple as disliking her husband even if he fulfills ALL her rights.
        ''Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.197Narrated by Ibn Abbas

        The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (saws)! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Messenger (saws) said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet (saws) said to Thabit, "O Thabit!Accept your garden, and divorce her once."

        Thabit Bin Qays fulfilled all his obligations and her rights, yet his wife was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to leave.

        • She (Habibah) was the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shimmas. The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) came out one morning and found Habibah by his door. The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: Who is this? She replied: I am Habibah, daughter of Sahl. He asked: What is your case? She replied: I and Thabit ibn Qays, referring to her husband, cannot live together. When Thabit ibn Qays came, the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said to him: This is Habibah, daughter of Sahl, and she has mentioned (about you) what Allah wished tomention. Habibah said: Apostle of Allah, all that he gave me is with me. The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said to Thabit ibn Qays: Take it from her. So he took it from her, and she lived among her people (relatives). (Book #12 , Hadith #2219 Sunan Abu Dawood)

          Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin: Habibah daughter of Sahl was the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shimmas, He beat her and broke some of her part. So she came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) after morning, and complained to him against her husband. The Prophet (peace be upon him) called on Thabit ibn Qays and said (to him): Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her. He asked: Is that right, Apostle of Allah? He said: Yes. He said: I have given her two gardens of mine as a dower, and they are already in her possession. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Take them and separate yourself from her. (Book #12 , Hadith#2220 Sunan Abu Dawood, Malik Muwatta)

          Therefore this divorce thus seem to have a valid reason. Wallahu alam.

          • Hmm..thats interesting,. But I still have a question.
            Why did she says 'I do not blame Thabit for the defects of his charachter...'? Surely this sounds like a vital question, considering the Hadith I quoted is from a more reliable Hadith book than Sunan Abu Dawud.[The book you quoted your hadith from].

          • Being unhappy in a marriage for whatever reason is a valid reason for divorce. Remember this deen is complete and gave women rights.
            So it is the Muslima who says what is unbearable for her and what she is willing to seek spearation over not anyone esle. and truly only she and Allaahu ta'ala would know this information anyway. also it is very possible, especially today, that a wife's rights are given to her though she cannot or doesnot find benefit for herself in her marriage to her husband who has another wife. Too little time being alloted which for some could lead to fitna or worst haraam, finances, children being disrupted by the situation, ill relationship or harm between the wives, extended family hardships...the list can go on. In light of that, asking for a divorce could become necessary, even it doesn't completely happen. Allahutala aalim.
            And then we have sisters who would be unhappy with the existence of a co-wife even if their husbands fulfilled all their rights and were nice husbands.
            that inability to accept polygyny is an acceptable reasons for divorce.

      • The reference is 4:3

      • Regarding A Woman Stipulating That Her Husband Not Take Another Wife

        Note: READ CAREFULLY, THOROUGHLY, MORE THAN ONCE AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE THIRD FOOTNOTE!!!

        What a Woman may Stipulate in a Marriage Contract
        Written By: Imaam Ibn Qudamah al-Maqdisi
        Translated By: Yahya Adel Ibrahim From al-Mughni of Ibn Qudamah Vol. 9, Page 483: Issue #1141
        Source: islaam.net

        He said: "If a man marries her and (accepted) her stipulations that he shall not remove her from her home or city (country), then her stipulation is to be honoured/ fulfilled (from that moment on) due to what has been reported from Rasulullaah (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam). He said: "The most deserving of conditions to be honoured/fulfilled are those which the genitalia are deemed Halal by them (Marriage is built upon their acceptance)."

        As well if he marries her and (accepts) her stipulation that he will not marry another woman while with her then she is granted the power to abandon him if he marries another."

        The summary of (this issue) is that stipulations relating to Nikaah (pre-nuptiual agreements) are of three main categories.

        (Translators note: Only the first issue is translated):

        First: (A condition) that which must be fulfilled. It is a condition wherein its benefit and worth are returned. Examples are stipulations wherein he (vows) not to remove her from her residence or land, or that he will not travel with her (to foreign lands), or that he will not take another wife while with her. All of these are conditions that he would be bound to fulfilling (if he agreed to them before cohabitation). If he does not honour the stipulations she is granted the ability (and right) to annul the marriage (at her will). This is reported as being the opinion of:

        ‘Umar bin al-Khattab, Sa‘d bin Abi Waqas, Mu‘awiyah, ‘Amr bin al- ‘Aas (radia Allahu ‘Anhum). It was also stated by:

        Shurayh, ‘Umar bin ‘Abdul-Aziz, Jabir bin Zayd, Tawus, Al-Awza‘i and Ishaq."

        Those who deemed these conditions unacceptable were:

        az-Zuhari, Qatadah, Hisham bin ‘Urwa, Malik [1], al-Laith, ath-Thawri, ash-Shafi‘i (in part), ibn al-Mundhir, and the people of logical deduction and inference.

        Abu Hanifah and ash-Shafi‘ee stated: "If he breaks one of the aforementioned conditions she is not entitled to leaving him. The original dowry (Mahr) is deemed invalid and she deserves another equal Mahr to what she has already been given (by her husband)."

        They use as their proof the statement of Rasulullah (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam):

        "Any condition, which is not in Allaah’s Book, is worthless (invalid). Even if there are a hundred conditions. Allaah’s decision is more valid and Allaah’s condition is more binding." (Agreed upon)

        (They say) such a condition is (not sanctioned) in Allaah’s Book since the Law does not espouse it.

        He (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) also said, "Muslims are bound to their conditions/stipulations. (But) a condition that makes Halaal a Haraam or a Haraam Halaal is (not from binding conditions)." (Bukhari, Tirmidhi and others)

        This (type of condition) is turning a Halaal into a Haraam. Taking more than wife and traveling (are Halaal). As well, these conditions do not benefit or improve the ‘Aqd (marital pre-nuptial contract) and are not integral to it. In fact it would be similar to stipulating that she is not to present her self (ever) to him (in copulation)."

        End words of Shafi‘ee and Abu Hanifah

        For us (our understanding) we have the following (evidence):

        "The most deserving of conditions to be honoured/fulfilled are those which the genitalia are deemed Halaal by them (Marriage is built upon their acceptance)."
        Agreed Upon.

        As well his statement (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam): "Muslims are bound to their conditions/stipulations." (Previously referenced)

        As well we have named many Sahaba who validated these stipulations, and none from their generation/peers refuted them. Therefore we establish this as being Ijma‘ (consensual agreement by them all).

        It is narrated by al-Athram with his chain of narration that a man married a woman and (agreed to the stipulation) that she may reside in her (own) home. Thereafter he sought to transfer her elsewhere. They turned to ‘Umar (Radee Allahu 'anhuu) in disputation.

        He (Radee Allahu 'anhuu) said, "Her condition is to be fulfilled."

        The man replied, "If that is the case then she is to grant the divorce (he means that she is to relinquish her condition or divorce him)."

        ‘Umar (radee Allahu 'anhuu) replied, "The absolute rights are (established with their) stipulations (His right is over-ruled by his agreement to her stipulation)." [2]

        This (as well as the other mentioned stipulations are) valid because there is only benefit found in it (i.e. it does not call to deviance) and it is not intended to depreciate or tarnish what is established by Nikaah. Therefore fulfilling the condition is obligatory. (These types of stipulations) are the same as if she stipulated that he increase her Mahr (from his initial offer) or not take her abroad.

        As for the Prophet's (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) statement: "Any condition, which is not in Allaah’s Book, is worthless (invalid)."

        This is regarding a condition that is not founded upon Allaah’s Hukm and Sharee'ah. These (conditions) are substantiated in Sharee'ah. We have shown precedence for it. Those who seek to oppose this (valid opinion) must bring forth (explicit) evidence that renders the aforementioned evidence nullified.

        As for their (Shafi‘i and Abu Haneefah) statement: that these stipulations make a Halaal Haraam, then we say that they do not make the Halaal into Haraam.

        It merely ensures the right of a woman to decide for herself if she wishes to remain in that situation or not considering that he has not fulfilled his pre-marital agreement.[3]

        As for their statement: That there is no benefit or improvement in these stipulations.

        We say that we object to this understanding. These (stipulations) are very beneficial for the woman. The benefit of the stipulator is beneficial as well for the one being stipulated to (since the man knows what is acceptable and what is not).

        Fasl (Side point):

        If she was to stipulate that he was to divorce his other wife then that condition would be deemed invalid and unacceptable.

        Abu Huraira (radee Allahu 'anhuu) reports: "An-Nabi (sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam) forbade a woman from making it a condition for her husband to divorce her sister (his other wife)." (Reported by al-Bukhari)

        Footnotes:

        Verification of Athar:

        [1] The Madh’hab of Malik validates a stipulation upon a man in which it is stipulated that he is not to marry another women while in marriage with the first (wife) or else she will be given the order (power) in her hand (to annul the marriage). She would be given the power to separate from him at her choice. This position of Malik is similar in meaning to the position of al-Imaam Ahmed. (Fatawa of Ibn Taymiyyah 32nd Volume, Page 164-165)

        [2] Reported by Ibn Abi Shaybah in his Musaanaf (Vol. 4 pages 199). As well it is found in the Sunnan of Sa‘eed bin Mansour (Vo1. 1, Pg. 185)

        [3] It is important to note that the second wife is legal for the man to wed. The issue is whether the first wife wants to remain in that situation or not. Many people mistakenly think that this stipulation makes it illegal for the husband to take the second or third wife. That is not the case at all. It is merely to ensure that the first wife is able to leave the marital relationship if she cannot deal with the new situation.

      • i dont know why Allah allowed man four wives , mean when there is no reason to marry 2nd 3rd 4th,

        how can a wife tolerate other wives, obvious it hurt wife that how her husband treat other wives mean how can a women share his husband body with others.

        its allowed in islam but its painful for woman

  5. Dear sister
    I really feel your pain

    please remember Divorce is the thing which Allah dislike most.

  6. Salaam.
    May Allah (swt) help you through this situation. It is hard for me to judge not based on my emotions as I think the way your husband went about getting a second wife was wrong. In all honesty, it disgusts me too.He did wrong you. At the same time, from your post, it seems things are better now. He has seen the error of his ways from what you have said. It seems your brothers comments have affected your decision. Its easy to get swayed.

    As for getting a clause of 'no second wife' in the marriage clause I heard a talk today by Hamza Yusuf and I believe that Maliki school of thought permit this as polygamy is permissible but not obligatory. As Muslims we cannot deny its permissibility, but I think its very insensitive for people to say 'sisters shouldn't be upset.' Even if the mothers of believers did it, how many of us are like them, and how many of these brothers are like the Rasool (SAW)?! I believe the general rule is to try and accept it for the sake of Allah and InshaAllah Allah will grant these sisters something better. Whether that is a new husband in Jannat or something else, I dont know. But for the sake of Allah only.

    Is he treating you fairly with the other wife? How is your relationship with your hubby now?
    My advice to you is if everything is well with you both apart from what your brother said then stay married to him. He is now in the unfortunate situation of having the cope with mediating between two wives. Once the fun of the desire goes then it just becomes a headache for a man.

    So do stay if you can. But I dont believe that anyone should remain in an unhappy marriage indefinitely. Allah (swt) wants us to be happy and content in our lives. If someone wrote in saying that they were not happy or there was a lack of love/understanding in their marriage the general advice would be work at it, keep trying and if it doesnt work then you have a right to divorce. Likewise I think you need to try, and if you really cannot cope or he stops being fair to you both or this woman causes too many issues then you do have a right to seek divorce but make sure it is not influenced by anyone else. And try staying for the sake of Allah.
    May Allah (Swt) protect us all.
    May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong.
    Ameen.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Great advice. If your husband has opened his eyes and treat you well. Then stay with him and keep being the good wife for the sake of Allah(S.W). Do not let opinions get in the way of your choice. I know your brother wants the best for you but the best may be your husband and only Allah (S.W) knows. You should pray Istikarah. But if he loves and is fair to you, if he sincerely regrets what he has done. Forgive him and give him a chance. As human beings, we make mistakes, we give up to our nafs and the whispering of Shaytan. Please if you can find the strength to forgive him and if he treats you well. Hang on there. ALLAH (SW) will reward you 🙂

  7. Salam sister,

    I feel really bad for you. I cannot imagine how bad you are feeling. I know Allah gave men the right to marry four wives. Is it merely to fullfill their desire for more women and lust? But then are men allowed to marry for their desire at the expense of causing pain to their loving and loyal wife?

    As human beings it is a natural desire to have intamacy and love with only one person. No man would accept their wife having another husband then how could a women. How can men be so insensitive to women's feelings and not understand the simple fact of how much heartbreak they will be causing their wife just for more thrills in life.

    I can understand if a women cannot have a child and her husband marrys, even this is hard for the women but she is patient as this is hardship in both the husband and wifes life as the husband will be childless. Just like people in poverty are patient suffering hardship. I cant understand why the wife has to be patient and suffer emotional pain just for the husband to have fun! Are women only created to satisfy men and bear hardship for them.

    What about the bigger picture that we are all in this world to worship allah. We should spend all our time in prayer and charity. Why would a men create obstacles in his way by marrying four wives? Then he has to work long hours to provide for four sets of families and spend more time with four families thus he will have less time for Allah?. And all the women will be constantly in competition trying to fight for his love and attention as jelousy is a horrible desease. Then how are women to worship allah as they have to be trying so hard to impress the husband by makeup and beautifying themselves. when will they pray and give allah time as adoring yourself plucking shaving dressing up down takes up a lot of time. Is this the way life should be for muslim women? Spending every second of their life desperately thinking of ways to impress their husband in order to keep hold of them!

    Should women not have the right to have a one women husband who is loyal and only loves and desires her.? As women only stay loyal to one women why cant men do the same?

    Sister I would be very depressed in this situation, and depression makes you ill to the point that it is hard to pray eat and sleep. Then how can you remain in a marriage that harms you? But if you love your husband and can bear the pain then stick with him. I for one cannot accept this if my husband had the desire to marry another I would immediatly hate him and this is an acceptable reason for divorce.

    I pray Allah makes it easy for you

    • Most Muslim men, despite the temptations we face daily in this difficult world, have only one wife and only one intimate partner during the course of their life. Even in the immoral West where men are practising polygamy outside marriage[multiple mistresses], man and women have on average 13 and 9 partners respectively and the cheating rate for men is 20% and for women is 15%. So its difficult for me even as a man to buy the argument that men have more desires than women so they need more partners and hence four wives is allowed to fulfill a man's lust.

      But nevertheless its ALLOWED, though it doesn't seem sensible to marry more women out of lust.

      But I don't know why men have to marry more women for no reason, after all as Rashida said earlier, in a time when monogamy was very uncommon, our Prophet[SAW] married only ONE woman and stayed monogamous for 25 years. It was a sign of the purity of his intentions. Later he and many o the Sahaba would marry more women to support them. The rest of the upcoming generations that practised polygyny did so for cultural reasons, as polygamy was part of Arab culture[and many other cultures at the time too] and women at that time had an easier facility into adjusting into that way or life without extreme difficulty.

      Now compare the Sahabah to the [young] men of today. At my local brothers group at the mosque, whenever we have a lecture referencing polygamy I notice the brothers usually laughing, cracking up the kind of jokes that don't suit us as Muslims and making 'yesss!' comments. It is a sickening sight. And then when you talk to these brothers about the topic seriously they say its 'SUNNAH'.

      I sometimes can't comprehend how a practise that Islam was the first to restrict, was the first to give the wives involved their rights and the first institution that allowed women to 'escape' polygyny can be a cause of so much debate today.

      Polygyny seems to me to be a man-made practise in a patriarchal society that was a part of the barbaric civilizations that preceded Islam. Islam was the first to restrict it, the first to give women a say in whether they wanted to continue living in this lifestyle [if they were unhappy] and the first to condition the practise of polygamy on the condition of fair treatment. Our Prophey[SAW] himself was a one woman's man in his entire youth despite the ways of his society and so to me it seems that as Islam was the deen that came as enlightment, it would be reasonable to say that Islam is by nature a 'monogamous religion', with polygamy allowed but restricted.

      A lot of attitudes to polygamy that we get from brothers today is rooted with their upbringing, I believe. They face a LOT LESS suppression of their desires than women who also have desires but society expects them to crush theirs while turning a blind eye to the expressions of male desires.

      Let me give you an example, the awrah in Islam for a man is from his shoulders to above his ankles-when he is in front of a strange woman. Nevertheless many men wear shorts and expose their bodies under the bellief that a man's awrah is only from his navel to knees, which is a misconception. A man's awrah is ONLY from his knees to the navel UNDER harsh work conditions eg; a man working as a labourer under the hot sun. But in normal work conditions and in front of women the awrah is his body from his shoulders to above his ankles [in a loose shirt that doesn't reveal the body's shape].
      But still you see many men publicly in shorts even on a norma;-not too hot-l sunny day and society, even Muslim societies say nothing.

      So while a man's seuality is tolerated a woman's is crushed and men believe they have more desires in need of fulfillment.

      But polygamy is nevertheless allowed in Islam, but a man HAS to be just and fair. But its disturbing to see people still practising it for un-sensible reasons as it looks vulgar and yet we give fake reasons such as gender inbalance [the myth that women outnumber men] and call it a 'sunnah' when its clearly not a recommended practise of Islam and the world could be a happier place if both men and women worked on controlling their Nafs and devoting their lives to the service and worship of Allah.

      • Sorry, I think I got the statistics for the West wrong. Its actually between 70% of men and 50-60% of women and the rate for women is increasing and balancing to be the same as women [you only need a simple Google search for this].
        And also keep in mind that women are less likely to admit to cheating.

      • MashaAllah, well put and balanced.
        I think it's sad how polygamy is practised in our societies. It's actually a really beautiful thing when used properly and when people fear Allah but it's misused so much it has become ugly. It's supposed to be used to liberate women, but instead it's used to oppress women. Ultimately the truth is there are few people who have enough fear of Allah in their hearts to practise it properly. I mean the man has to be very patient and has to fear Allah. The women both have to be very patient and fear Allah.

        Being fair is so important but Islam is much more than rights and responsibilities, it's intentions and how you go about things.

        And even the most pious people have difficulty being truly just thanks to financial constraits of living and lack of time which already limits ones ability to fulfill the rights of only one spouse. Because of the way it's practised, the general outcome tends to be resentment or broken families. One wife riles up the other, or seeks divorce or once the man has fulfilled his desires he has a nervous breakdown from all the nagging.

        Polygamy is not the only beautiful thing that has been tainted due to us Muslims - there are plenty of other examples - some marriages. I will not go on.

        This world can be so ugly at times. May Allah swt help our ummah. May He help us all and give us all Jannat.
        Ameen.

  8. I feel the necessity to mention that the mention of Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam does not mean that I am comparing him with the husbands of today NO! That is impossible. No man can be like him because he is the best of all Creation. But in his actions are examples for us, his Ummah, to follow, as Allah Says:

    Indeed in the Messenger of Allah
    (Muhammad ) you have a good example
    to follow for him who hopes in (the Meeting
    with) Allah and the Last Day and remembers
    Allah much. (Surah al Ahzab, Aayah 21)

    One more thing: let not people who misuse this law and act unjustly take advantage of it. If one can not keep the women happy, one should not marry more than one, as Allah Himself Says in the Quran.

    Wallahu A'lam

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. @ Talha

    There can be more than one interpretations about those hadith we've seen, wallahu alam. My opinion is that basically, when Habibah ra said " I do not blame him for his defects in character ", by this we can understand that there is no doubt a defect in his character but she won't/doesn't want to blame it, it maybe because he is one of the trusted sahaba. She didn't say " he didn't have any defect in his character ". Just like if you have done something wrong to me, I would just say " I wont blame you for your wrong doings because you're human and we do mistake ". Etc . She said " I cannot 'endure/suffer' living with him.. " in sahih Bukhari, this can mean that there is certainly some problem. But it was AISHA RA and not Habiba ra who naratted that she was beaten by Thabit Ibn Qays. Basically, Aisha RA just gave the reason for their divorce which was recorded in sunan Abu Dawood. Abu Dawood is part of Al sihah al sittah ( 6 authentic hadith collection ) fourth by authenticity.

    And Allah knows best.

  10. I honestly got tears in my eyes from reading your post, I'm a married women and I just can not see my husband getting a second wife, even though they can have up to 4 wives I honestly don't think I would share my husband with a other women that is how I feel. Is such a painful thing in the world because I have seen friends go threw that pain. And honestly I'm so happy that you have your brother that care for you like that even though thy oh older enough to know what is right and wrong. I hope everything workout for you sister.

  11. My personal advice to this sister would be to NOT to leave her husband now IF he is being fair.
    But considering that a child is underway,it will consume a lot of her husband's time and attention.
    So there might be a change in your circumstances.

    But just reading your story makes me want to slap your husband.
    I am amazed that no one has noticed how he doubted your character.He is a sick man.

    I do believe that Muslim men need to reconsider diving into polygamy, out of love for their wife. After all, the best of men are the best to their wives.

    • I personally have nothing against polygyny. I think if a man is genuinely fair and just amongst his wives and proves to be an awesome husband to all [even if he doesn't have his first wife's 'blessings' or even a sensible reason] then he does no sin and I would even try to swallow my dislike of him for indulging in this practise. It would be difficult though.

      Some people I meet on the net say that polygamy must be good just because Allah allows it. Some others say its a sunnah. They are all wrong.

      Polygyny is like a cup. Pour good and you'l get good. Pour bad and you'll get bad. And even if it is 'good' the taste may be displeasing to some [for instance the wives living in polygamous relationships].

      And polygyny is not a sunnah. Monogamy is meant to be the NORM and polygyny is meant to be the exception.

      The Quran says that 'marry the single among you...male or female'. This is a clear indication that Allah always meant for monogamy to remain the norm and polygyny is supposed to be an EXCEPTION. Considering the male:female ratio is roughly even, monogany would be the norm if this verse was followed. There are divorced and widowed sisters [ I doubt most widows even want to remarry, most don't, only some may] and there are ALSO divorced and widowed brothers!

      If I for arguments sake buy the arguments of some men [who have no source besides Zakir Naik] that there are so many unmarried sisters around in need of a partner, then even then only a FEW married men should be marrying these women because FEW men can be just/fair. And few men can afford another family.

      I also want to know why we Muslim men don't seem as bothered about the sunnah of the Prophet[SAW]'s monogamy as we are so excited about polygamy. The Prophet[SAW]'s most loving and successful marriage was his monogamous one. The Prophet[SAW] lived in a polygamous society yet he remained LOYAL to only ONE wife because he recognised the significance of a woman's pain in polygyny and he loved his wife too much for that. He remained monogamous for 25 years and even during his polygamous marriages he mentioned his marriage with Khadijah[ra] as his most beloved. I think that monogamous marriages are a real sunnah [compare 25 years of extremely loving monogamy to 8 years of busy polygamy with widows spent mostly on da'wah]. I think if we men started appreciating the beauty of monogamy more we will lead more happy and emotionally/physically fulfilling marital lives rather than delving into the headaches of multiple wives. Monogamy is a much more EASIER and much more REWARDING task.

      Evidence "polygamy is sunna" is usually presented as text back to the Qur'an (Sura An-Nisa, 4: 2-3) are more easily broken. The only verse that speaks of polygamy do not disclose this fact in the context of motivating, let alone appreciate polygamy. This verse has put polygamy in the context of the protection of orphans and widows of war casualties.

      From these two paragraphs, some contemporary scholars, like Sheikh Muhammad Abduh, Sheikh Rashid Rida, and Sheikh Muhammad al-Madan - Azhar, Egypt's leading scholars third - would prefer to tighten.

      Abduh further states, polygamy is a deviation from normal marital relations and justified only in emergencies syar'i social, such as war, provided no damage and tyranny (Tafsir al-Manar, 4 / 287).

      Oddly enough, the verse is for those in the propoligami twisted into "full rights" of men to polygamy. Excuse them, the action was to follow the sunna of the Prophet Muhammad. Becomes laughable when the practice of polygamy is even used as benchmark for Islamic one: the more active the better poisisi polygamy is considered religious. Or, the patient receives a wife polygyny, the better the quality of his faith. Frequent slogans raised for example, "polygamy brings blessing," or "polygamy is beautiful," and more popular is "polygamy is sunna."

      Just because the Prophet[SAW] and the Sahabah [ra] practised cousin marriage due to it being a cultural thing, does cousin marriage also become a sunnah now? Despite all the possible health effects on children in these marriages?

      has anyone noticed that the women-men ratio at child-bearing age is always balanced? Polygamy WAS suitable during the Prophet's time when men died with great number in wars, leaving behind widows with no security and social status. But if a man now takes more than one woman, it means another man will need to stay single and will have to seek illegal affair (with either prostitutes or someone else's wife).

      And please brothers take into account your children too!!! So many young and grown up children like me are traumatised due to polygyny when it is practised in our families.

      Here is an opinion poll of 523 children from polygamous marriages in Malaysia and 90% of these children were AGAINST polygyny, compared to only 66% of the first wives.
      http://www.siasat.com/english/news/polygamy-deviated-its-original-purpose-islam

      So brothers, please use your heaarts and your brains over your selfish lusts and desires when it comes to this topic. Or else there will be more troubled and depressed kids growing up like me

      • Please brothers keep in mind, the world population ratios are tilted slightly towards the males. There are MORE men than women in every age group except 60+. We have MORE single brothers in need of a spouse than women [remember an increasing number of women in professional and independent lives choose to not get married at all].
        So if the richer brothers act selfishly then we might as well see the middle and lower class brothers struggling to search for a spouse. This is already the case in Saudi Arabia where there are 112 men for 100 women and still richer sheikhs marry younger and prettier girls while younger and and not so rich brothers find it hard to find a spouse.

  12. Ta'weel of every evidence in Deen is possible. But it is important that we take knowledge from the prominent scholars of Islam. No daughter of Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was in a polygamy.

    Subhanallah, to the poster, this debate is not beneficial. She wants to know what to do. And this discussion takes her nowhere.

    The following answer by Shaikh Salih as Suhaymee Hafidhahullah is perect, Alhamdulillah and no more ta'weel is necessary. It is better this time be spent in helping others in distress.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmAWcFZJUHs

    Jazakumullahu Khair

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. The sunnah is not restricted to polygyny. In his 23 years of Prophethood, the Prophet (SAW) lived in both monogamous and polygamous marriages, he was in a monogamous marriage for the first decade of Prophethood and polygamous in the last decade of Prophethood.

    Many of the Sahaba (Hamza, Abu Hurairah, Abu Hudaifah, Jafar, Abu Talha etc )had only one wife. Others ( Abu Bakr, Umar Ibn Khattab, Talha etc) had numerous wives. Some were not married at all and for some we do not have any records (Eg Bilal whose only known marriage was later in life to a woman in Syria, Zubair Ibn Awwam, Salman Al Farsi-for whom I can find mention of only one wife) and some who would be monogamous in some marriages and polygamous in others (Eg Uthman and Ali).

    It was the same story with the early generations of early Muslims. I don't know where people get the idea that all of the Salaf were polygamous. The Prophet's grand daughters were in monogamous marriages, for instance. It's impossible, considering that due to higher birth rates amongst the male population, who still outnumber women until the sixty and above age groups, that polygyny was practiced by a majority of the Salaf. Yeah some men would have been dying in war, but then large amounts of women used to die because of childbirth and pregnancy related issues.

    There is no record of the Prophet ever encouraging any married man to marry again ( the hadith about marrying a fourth wife for rizq is fabricated), yet there are numerous hadiths where the Prophet extols the virtues of marriage to single men, where he encouraged them to marry, saying that marriage in general (and not polygamy or monogamy in particular) is his sunnah.

    The Prophet's wives were all (except Khadijah) in polygamy, and all of his daughters in monogamy.

    It's not like practising polygamy or not makes you a better Muslim.

    Marrying at least once is recommended because its half our Deen. Polygamy is not recommended, it's simply Mubah (permissible)-according to the majority of the Ulema and even then only if you can be just.

    Marrying more women certainly does not make one a better Muslim, but having just two wives and being unjust between them will mean that you will be raised up half paralyzed on Youm Al Qiyamah.

  14. In regards to the second point, it's not true that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) forbade Ali from marrying any other woman besides Fatimah in a general sense, he just prohibited Ali from marrying a specific woman in a specific context. Furthermore, the Prophet (peace be upon him) for all we know could have been representing Fatimah's opinions this whole time. Fatimah could have told her father that she can't bear living with Ali if he married Abu Jahl's daughter and the Prophet (peace be upon him) is simply standing up for her. A father has the right to do that. In Islam, a woman has the right to divorce her husband if she can't bear him marrying another woman, especially if it goes against any prior agreements between the two. This is something known. This doesn't mean that she is forbidding him from marrying other women; rather it simply means that if he were to do so then it would come at the cost of her asking for a divorce.
    In regards to the third point, we agree with Shamoun and we would like to add that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was specifically worried about Fatimah suffering in regards to her religion. He said "I am afraid she will be subjected to trials in her religion". So here the Prophet's (peace be upon him) fear wasn't simply that Fatimah just had her feelings hurt where she would get emotional about a matter and then get over it. Rather, he was afraid that it would have a direct effect on her religious practices and that is extremely serious. Ibnul Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah said:
    Ýáã Êßä ÛíÑÊå Õáì Çááå Úáíå æÓáã áãÌÑÏ ßÑÇåíÉ ÇáØÈÚ ááãÔÇÑßÉ Èá ÇáÍÇãá ÚáíåÇ ÍÑãÉ ÇáÏíä æÞÏ ÃÔÇÑ Åáì åÐÇ ÈÞæáå Åäí ÃÎÇÝ Ãä ÊÝÊä Ýí ÏíäåÇ
    His (peace be upon him) jealousy wasn't simply due to dislike of sharing partners, rather the issue was about the sanctity of religion and he indicated this when he said "I am afraid she will be subjected to trials in her religion". (Ibnul Qayyim, Rawdatil Muhibbeen, Volume 1, page 315)
    The Prophet (peace be upon him) knew his daughter well enough in order to know whether such a thing would happen given the situation.
    In regards to the fourth point, this is cleared up by what I said in the previous point. It is obvious and common knowledge that there is likely to be jealousy in a polygamous marriage. If in monogamous marriages we have women being jealous of their husbands because of the kind of women they work with in the office for example, then no doubt we would expect one wife being jealous of the other. However, that wasn't the concern that the Prophet (peace be upon him) had. He was more concerned with his daughters' well being in regards to her emotional state and religion. Furthermore, it is argued that both spouses must abide by the contract (either verbal or written) that they made before they got married and it was known that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stressed to Ali not to hurt Fatimah's feelings at all costs. This was a condition that Ali must abide by at all costs, since he agreed to it. Since marrying the daughter of Abu Jahl would have broken that promise, he had to resort to not marrying her. (See Ibnul Qayyim, Zaad Al-Ma'aad, Volume 5, page 117) The Prophet (peace be upon him) did not see that the religious duties of his wives were at risk just like his daughters and he saw that they were able to not let their personal problems interfere with their faith, especially since they were married to the Prophet (peace be upon him) whose character was great enough to sustain their love and ensure their happiness despite any marital difficulties. (Read Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani's Fathul Bari, Kitab: Al-Nikah, Bab: Dhabb Al-Rajul 'An Ibnatihi fi Al-Gheerah wal Insaaf, Commentary on Hadith no. 4829, Source)
    In regards to the fifth point, it is not true that the Prophet (peace be upon him) cited the girl being the daughter of his enemy as a reason for Ali not marrying her. Rather, the Prophet's (peace be upon him) statement was just a statement of fact in that he wanted to express what the outcome would be. This is similar to Anas bin An-Nadir's statement "By Allah, her tooth will not be broken" (Saheeh Bukhari, Volume 6, Book 60, Number 135). (Read Imam Al-Nawawi's Sharh Saheeh Muslim, Kitab: Fadaa'il Al-Sahaabah, Bab: Fadaa'il Fatimah bint Al-Nabi 'Alayhi Al-Salatu wal Salaam, Commentary on Hadith no. 4482, Source) The Prophet's (peace be upon him) intention was not to hurt the feelings of Abu Jahl's daughter, for she was a good Muslim. Rather, his statement was an attack on her father and not her. (Read Ibn Hajar Al-Asqalani's Fathul Bari, Kitab: Al-Nikah, Bab: Dhabb Al-Rajul 'An Ibnatihi fi Al-Gheerah wal Insaaf, Commentary on Hadith no. 4829, Source) This is even made clearer when we look at narrations where Ikrimah the son of Abu Jahl even after converting to Islam was referred to as "the son of the enemy of Allah" (*,*).
    In regards to the sixth point, the Prophet (peace be upon him) himself clarified that he is doing no such thing when he said "I do not make a legal thing illegal, nor do I make an illegal thing legal" That in and of itself showed that Ali was free to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl, but it came at the cost of divorcing the daughter of the Prophet (peace be upon him) because in that specific situation it would have possibly lead to Fatimah failing to perform her religious duties properly and because Ali promised to not hurt Fatimah before they got married.

  15. (Ibn Hajr observes in Fath al-Bârî (7/86):
    The words “He spoke to me and he was truthful” could be that he made a promise on himself not to marry another woman beside Zaynab. And the same was done by `Alî. Otherwise, it could be that `Alî had forgotten that condition and that is why he proceeded with that engagement to the second woman. Or, it could be that he assumed the condition did not apply to him since he did not pronounce it himself. However, he should nevertheless have respected this condition as something understood, and that is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) blamed him.
    Ibn al-Qayyim writes in Zâd al-Ma`âd (5/117-118):
    If a man agrees to the condition that he will not marry a second wife, he is obliged by that condition. If the man breaks his promise, the woman will be entitled to terminate the marriage contract.

    It is mentioned in the hadîth that what took place is hurting Fâtimah and therefore hurting him. It is known for sure that the Prophet (peace be upon him) let `Alî marry his daughter Fâtimah on the condition that he does not hurt her or her father, even if that is not mentioned in the marriage contract. The Prophet (peace be upon him) brought up mention of his other son-in-law to incite `Ali to do the same.” The Prophet’s reproach of `Ali was on account of `Alî’s heedlessness of this condition.

  16. HANG ON

    Assalam u Alaikum

    Dear Sister it seems many of you are clutching on whatever you can to justify your preferences, let's face facts brothers are allowed to marry more, brothers desire more (fact even if brother galah does not) as men find controlling desires just like women find controlling their tongues harder then their opposite. Further marrying a second or third wife is not always out of lust or brother cannot wait while wife is pregnant and refusing sex due to her condition etc there are many practical reasons, also with the amount of divorced women with children who no one wants to marry there is a great social benefit and there are more women then men there is great fitnah right now as soo soo many sisters are finding it hard to marry .... And so on we can list many reasons.

    There are some sisters her who are simply talking out of personal desire not to 'share their husband' Allah tala did not give you a husband to hog onto who said he is your only that you do not want to share. Please sisters you must have humility in this matter you are bing brainwashed by pro feminist propaganda look at history even recent history men were men and women were women, further many examples and evidences gave been given in others posts which are only a tip of the iceberg, the shariah gives us rights and in some aspects women have more rights then men by the way depends on what issue we are talking about.

    Sisters you should be humble yes you have every right to be jealous it your nature just like it is ok for a brother to feel fear In battle but please respect the deen that fits our nature even if it goes against your wims and preferences and personal outlook on life and mentality shaped by today's society, the same goes to brothers!

    This mentality goes beyond marriage of second wife sisters are always putting pressure on brothers not realising the rights and status of husband over the wife, if you don't like it I am sorry to be raw but tough I am tired of sisters trying to turn brothers into their personal ideal husband and picking and choosing the deen look at Islam through the sunnah and not rose tinted euphoric western view.!!!

    p.s. As for stipulating monogamy in marriage contract well you should do that before marriage so brother has chance to either accept or decline marriage to you. If you did not then this argument is void.

    Again I am sure many will not like my tone it was quiet deliberate as I want to make the point emphatically I will not apologise or change this great religion just because we live in certain times and so called norms now.

    Peace.

    • Question:

      Salamu aleykom Shiekh Ahmad Thank you for your efforts to spread the knowledge.I have small question about polygamy. Is is required for husband to have his first wife permission to marry second time?Jazaka Allah

      Answer:

      If you married your wife in a culture where monogamy was the norm, and you never mentioned to her about your option to marry a second wife, then you owe it to her to seek her permission to do so. For as the Prophet (peace be upon him) taught us, we are bound by the terms of our marriage contracts. Since there is no reason to limit such terms to the written ones, they should also include those which are simply assumed or taken for granted in a particular milieu or society. If, therefore, your wife would not have married you--if she had the prior knowledge that you would exercise the option to take a second wife-- then it was a tacit agreement you had agreed to with her; as such you are bound by it.

      http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=2258

      The above fatwa by a SCHOLAR contradicts just about everything you said.

  17. Asalam o alaikum, sister do not listen to the ones who are against your husbands second marriage. Listen to the ones who are telling you to stay. And most of all keep your husband happy and be obedient to him. In this way you will not only be fulfilling your husbands rights but will compell your husband to do justice between you and the second one. Ask your husband to put the foot down on the other one so that she does not ask him to leave you. Just try to be happy with your husband and accept his polygamous nature. Tell him that you are happy with his decision. Believe me he will love you even more. By doing all this Allah will be happy and bestow his blessings upon you and your family.

  18. Really sorry to hear what you went through, May Allaah make it easy for you.

    to all my other sisters only if you could do such kinda things before its too late, your husband will love you to bits.

    "Anyways, I tried doing as my eldest sister had advised. I took care of my appearance to attract my husband's attention when he was with me. I did everything that an obedient and pious wife does. I cooked elaborate dishes for him, gave him intense massages and ironed and washed his clothes with my own hands lovingly. I showered him with more love and attention as I had never done before and I took care of every minute detail in the house for him and never gave him a chance to complain"

    this is what all men wants....

  19. Do istikhara. I can easily say I would definitely leave in that situation....but the truth is its not that simple when Ur actually in the situation. May Allah make it easy....I do think u can do better but that's a personal opinion from someone not in Ur situation.and the fact Ur brother is willing to help! That's amazing! What a noble brother you have. Masha Allah

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