Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why does he tell me he would leave our nikkah behind?

Leaves touching water

hi i need your help. i converted to islam alhamdullilah 3 yrs ago(nearly 4 years).. i did nikkah with my husband just after my conversion to islam but he was already married and had 2 kids,  his first wife is aware of the situation and so is my family. 

I fell in love with him as he was always out till late and he told me he didn't have anything to do with his wife and he will get her a divorce as his kids are too small and as per law his kids will stay with the mother and he will be very depress without the kids and I shall wait,  i agree as i could really see the messages his wife sending her was just normal and he never used to hide anything from me and even when she calls regarding any matter they will always end up with an argument. even after nikkah he stays with his wife i do not really worry as he is with me after dropping the kids to school and then he goes back late at night. i used to think its fine as in islam several wives is allowed. yes, i only saw the fact., as i knew sooner or later they will divorce.

i know him for about 7 yrs now and since then i saw them(him and his first wife)arguing. we had our nikkah privately..only my family and few of his friends are aware and his wife knows it too. He provides me everything.. all my needs and everything..i cannot complain about that but what annoys me is why until today they are still together. he neither thinks of having a kid with me nor he thinks of getting a divorce from her..

regarding the kids. they used to come and meet me when they were small and now he cannot even speak to me in front of them. he always try to make me feel i disturb him with his kids as he connot speak freely to me. he started going home early and when i ask him he says his kids needs to know their father as well. and he never tells me anything about his first wife now. he just say she doesn't speak to her apart about the kids or important issues. when i ask her when do u plan to divorce her he just says he doesn't know when as his kids will be affected and they are at tender age.

i cannot even tell my family as i know they willl say it was my choice.. i cannot speak to anyone regarding this matter. i do a lot of prayers but still sometimes am left alone and he sometimes doesn't want to speak to me when he is at his first home. but when he is with me he always pick her phone up and i notice a calmness between them too. he says we have to be like this as their are kids at home and they understand everything as they will go mad. he becomes upset everytime i speak about his wife and we end up arguing.. I have asked to plan for our child he says ok but he doesn't seem interested.

i always pray and pray and look for prayers on the net. Recently,I sw the comments on this website and i have got inspired. Now, i have heard they are all going on holiday and he says its only because of the kids want to travel and they are going to spent their holiday to their paternal grand father in pakistan.

when i asked him when are they are leaving he says he doesn't know yet and if i insist about anything,he becomes upset and in return he tells me he won't take them because of me...and i should be happy now.. i feel guilty as thats not what i intend to do

its not the  matter of the kids as i adore them even if they don't come and see me anymore. in a way i know i have done a mistake that seeing all this i thought posively and i was there as a support for him and fell in love with him.. i know i can't force him to leave his first wife but why does he blame me today and tells me if i continue to ask him question we will come to an end.

please suggest what can i do.?? what is the solution??. i don't know. even it seems so hard to pray nowadays as i am too upset.. do you think he is back to his first wife and wants to get rid of me?? He cannot say it to me thats why he tells me he would leave our nikkah behind??

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10 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, sister zanobia,

    Your nikah was done privately, I don´t know that kind of nikkah is this one. One of the conditions for marriage is that has to be done publicly, to avoid secret marriages wich are haram, do you have any document to prove that your marriage is legitimate?

    That he doesn´t want to have kids with you and that he threatens with divorce you instead of her when you talk about his relationship with her, talks about your role in this relationship. Your opinion doesn´t count and the one with the rights is his first wife. Before making any movement, investigate about your situation, just in case you are not even married.

    I don´t think he has ever left his first wife, then it is not a question of returning, you are his second wife.

    In case you are, you should be calm and accept you are inside of a polygamous marriage and you are the second wife, then stop thinking about him divorcing her and ask for your rights to have children if you want them. Both of you should be treated equally, then you should not get jealous when he is with her. I understand that wasn´t what you thought, but this is what you have.

    When you talk to him you should be very calm and straight about what you really want and what you are not going to admit, he maybe tired of you asking him to divorce then please, think twice before taking any decision or making any movement, solve all the pending issues and make things clear if you want to stay with him in a polygamous marriage under his conditions.

    Try to take it easy this month, be your best and get closer to Allah(swt), Insha´Allah.

    There are beautiful comments in this post, you may find some inspiration for this Ramadan on them, insha´Allah.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/ramadan-mubarak

    Ramadan Mubarak,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • walaikum as salaam sister Maria,

      Ramadan kareem too..

      Thank you for ur reply. It is very much appreciated.. ever since i sent the draft i kept on checking but there was no reply. I checked it today after quite some days and i see that on the first day of ramadhan Allah (swt) has blessed me with your answer.
      Actually.. i feel my heart is pierced out even though the fact is i was expecting such answers. It feels really hard for me to cope with my life. I give up but at the other moment i pray and get my strength.. but i can no more pray as i used to as it became such a complex thought of my situation while praying. i start being depress and when i do my tasbeeh my heart aches and i start crying but i insist and pray and pray but still there is relief at a certain point to give me the witness that there is indeed the excellent grace of Allah (swt) somewhere to give me the sign He is there watching everything.

      I do have a certificate of nikahnama. Actually am completely loss. I never expected to go through this pain ever.. still i am bearing my life. My husband is actually on Holiday with his first wife and two kids its been 2 weeks and He hasn't told me when is he coming back. We have been in touch through emails.. still arguing and both upset with each other. i told him i want to divorce him.. but he is actually worried that i want to leave him because i am having a so called 'affair'. i know he is saying all these nonsenses because he doesn't want to leave me either.. When i call him, that too 2-3 times in these 2 weeks,we just argue and he finishes by putting the phone down. Even i am calm with him, he start creating misunderstandings and he still insist that he swear on his kids he hasn't got any relationship with his wife. i am confused.. i do not know whether to believe him or not. He says that i cannot understand him at all and i am blind not to see how much he loves me and his kids.. and that his first wife is only a formality. he ask me to bear with him some more time until his kids understand and then he will have a divorce. But when i ask him how many more years he says he doesn't know maybe a year or more.

      In the mean time what do i do sister Maria... i do not know how far is that true. I am so desperate.. i do not know where to go. what to do. I feel like giving him a chance but what if things doesn't change??
      I really do not want to be in a complex situation. I feel like am in hell. I just want to have a clean and clear path.. where i see everything clearly..

      Anyway, it was such a relief to take out all this burden of my heart and mind out. Please send me some dua so that i build my strength and foundation.. and also, have a much more peaceful thought and be a good disciple of Allah..

      May allah(swt) bless you for helping me
      Khudahafiz..

      Zanobia

      • As salamu alaykum, Sister Zanobia,

        My sweet sister, I can listen how your Heart is crying with so much pain, please let´s talk a bit and you will see. Please take this month as what it is a Holy Month, I encourage you to read and recite the Quran. Sister I Submit to Allah, shared with us the following link, maybe useful to you,

        http://www.scribd.com/doc/2946704/How-to-finish-the-Quran-in-30-days

        You are already married to him, take advantage of this, change your attitude and live your marriage with all the energy you can, insha´Allah, with this I mean:

        .... This month is for Our Lord(swt) then, give it to Him(swt), I will give you a few tips that may help you to smooth the situation, insha´Allah. For now, be joyful when you speak to him, be grateful he is in the other side of the phone, let him know you love him, acknowledge the good moments you spent with him, thank he is taking care of you.....Be loving my sweet girl, no need to fight, I know you are feeling he lied to you, but you don´t know it yet, he maybe telling you the truth,.... give Him(swt) this month, don´t waste your Ramadan thinking on this, please, if he wants to fight make him clear you don´t want, be sweet and kind and remind him, you are on Ramadan, I know you can do it, you know him very well that is why you still giving him an opportunity.

        ....Stop thinking on his divorce, stop talking to him about it, assume he has children and divorced or not he will have to spend time with them.

        .....Stop fighting, be sweet and loving, listen to him, acknowledge his love for his children(you don´t need to talk about it, just be normal when he mention he has to be with them), this will help you to build up confidence between both of you, insha´Allah, you both need your trust back.

        .....You need your Peace back, trust Allah(swt) to guide you my beloved sister, trust Allah(swt) He(swt) has given you him as a husband and He(swt) is testing you through this situation, be patience, you need to calm down and cool down all this suffering you have inside, now what you want is Peace, this is the perfect moment to just let it be, and get closer to Allah(swt) everything will move smoothly after Ramadan to its own place, insha´Allah.

        The following dua is the dua I always read to find Peace, you have a link on duas on the top of the page too, but this is my favourite, I took it from SuhaibWebb´s site:

        http://www.suhaibwebb.com/islam-studies/quran/a-source-of-healing/

        اللهم إني عبدك وابن عبدك وابن أمتك ناصيتي بيدك ماض في حكمك
        عدل في قضاؤك اسألك بكل اسم هو لك سميت به نفسك او انزلته في كتابك
        أو علمته أحدا من خلقك أو إستأثرت به في علم الغيب عندك أن تجعل القران
        ربيع قلبي ونور صدري وجلاء حزني وذهاب همي”

        “Oh Allah! Indeed I am Your servant
        Son of Your male servant and female servant
        My forelock is in Your Hand (i.e. You have control over me)
        And Your Judgment upon me is assured, and Your Decree upon me is just
        I ask you with every name that You have named Yourself with
        Or revealed in Your Book (Quran), or taught to any of Your creation
        Or kept with Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You
        That You make the Quran the life of my heart, and the light of my chest
        And the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress.”

        And there is a beautiful dua that will help you through Ramadan, shared by Sister Sara on:

        http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/ramadan-mubarak, it is a beautiful post, deserves to be readen.

        Recite continously 'La ilaaha illa anta subhanaka innee kuntu mina-dhaalimeen.' [none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allah)], Glorified (and Exalted) are You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]. Truly, I have been of the wrong-doers."
        Al-Qur'an, 021.087 (Al-Anbiya [The Prophets])

        I think you have enough work with this, if you need me just let me know, I will try to be for you, insha´Allah.

        God(swt) bless you.

        María
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. waliakum as salaam sister Maria,

    Its a great priviledge reading your email. It really brings me lots of Joy and i feel that our lord (swt) has sent me a guide when i have no one by my side. I really do not want to end my relationship with him as i have seen his honesty too at the beginning. Still i am a human and the other part does bother me at times. I know my faith for Allah(swt) is very strong and it is Him(swt) who shows me the way to follow by sending me guidance in a way sending you to me and make me so happy that i had tears but a big smile to read your peaceful message. Lately, i have been through a lot and i have learnt with my own experiences.. but i have never lost faith alhamdillilah and now you have built my confidence level high too.

    I was very angry at first with all and every situations.. but with experience and devotion towards allah(swt) i have been much more calm. The restlessness inside me makes me cruel, jealous, lifeless,egoistic, and left alone..

    Thank you endlessly for ur duas and all ur support.

    Allah(swt), surely is watching all your the good deeds you guys are doing and surely He(swt) has kept for all of you lots of rewards. I am truely very impressed with the whole team. Everytime i will feel depress i will always have your email as a guidance ready to face the battle.

    I will insha'allah follow your tips and duas. And have a better relationship with my husband.
    You are right, i should focus on Ramadan and shall be steadfast in prayers whatever the outcome of life.

    May Allah(swt) always bless you.Ameen

    Zanobia

    • Jazak Allahu Khairan, my sweet Sister Zanobia.

      The emotions you had felt are normal, we are human and sometimes it seems the situation is overwhelming and we don´t see a way out, but Alhamdulillah, you are a wise woman with strong Iman, masha´Allah and you appreciated the fact of being tested and you have learnt through your own experience, Alhamdulillah. You will insha´Allah work on your marriage, you love each other, my beloved sister, Allah (swt) has infinite ways to let us know He(swt) loves and cares for us, Alhamdulillah.

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      A big smile from Heart to you, I am very happy to see yours, Alhamdulillah.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect, from Heart to Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • asalamu'alaikum sister maria,

        thank you so much for ur advice and it worked by keeping a distance from all the arguments and concentrate more in dua my husband came back and he asked me to never ever doubt his love for me. He said he agreed he fails to provide information but that doesn't mean he was ignoring me but he was ignoring arguments. whatever the future holds for me i know Allah(swt) is there to guide me and He indeed showed me infact all of us that He is the Most Beneficient Most Merciful. And we should repent and make dua as it is He who fulfils our wants and needs.

        I can very well say that He has sent you to show me the way.

        thank you

        Zanobia

  3. Sister you need to want for your sister what you want for yourself, have you once put yourself in the first wife's shoes i mean he marries you telling you he cant stand her and he's their for the kids, so what does that mean as soon as the youngest is over 7 he's gonna leave her and take the kids and then what bring them to you to bring up, or does he mean he's gonna stay with her till the youngest finish's university? and he does not want to start a family with you why? i dont understand what he wants from you to just be their, what kind of marriage is this he is not treating you the same as well as bad mouthing the mother of his children infront of you, for all you no she could be nice, you just dont no were you stand with this man time is ticking and your just waiting for him to be all yours i dont think he ever will be he is close to his kids and will most likely remain so,he can either live with you both honorably from now on, you are a muslim women you have your rights demand them, plz sister take the most blessed month and pray and make dua for Allah to give you the strength you need to move forward with your life with this man with your FULL RIGHT or without him happy with what the future holds for you, Ramadan Karim sister

  4. Ramadaan Kareem sister Zeena,

    Sorry for late reply, and thank you for thinking of giving me your opinion about my matter. For a while i think i was selfish and i was confused or to say the truth maybe i was greedy. I agree that i am the second wife of my husband but it will never be problem for me to be help in bringing up the kids. As it is they already know me just been a while that i haven't been seeing them though. if my husband decides to move in along with the kids is not problem for me, they day i accepted my husband i accepted the kids too. And as sister Maria said i rather not think about anything now and concentrate in our holy month of Ramadan and let the matter upto Allah (swt) , as He is the one who knows everything and helps and listens to everyones dua.

    Subhanallah, am coping fine with life however the future is Allah (swt) is there to guide every true believer. Indeed Allah (swt) gave me wisdom and relief and i feel light. My husband is fine with me now. I told him about that i was confused and i seek help and advice from this site.. he was happy and impressed with it..but he said to me

    The example of a believer is like a fresh tender plant; whichever direction the wind blows, it bends the plant. But when the wind dies down,it straightens up again.(similarly a believer is tested by afflictions to strengthen his faith and heart,and he remains patient and firm). And an evil person is like a pine tree which remains hard and stiff until Allah(swt) breaks it whenever He wills.

    It was my mistake to misunderstand my husband. I should understand and respect his situations and decision. The good and important thing is he came back to me... if i wouldn't have seek advise maybe my greediness would have made me break my whole life down.

    thank you very much for thinking of me sister Zeena.. and may Allah (swt) showers you with his blessings.

    allahafiz
    Zanobia

  5. Maasha'Allah Thank you sister zanobia i wish the best for you and your family.

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