Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Thinking of leaving my boyfriend for religion but it’s hard.

break up

As salamu alaikum

ive been in a relationship with a boy for almost 3 years.previouslly we used to very good friends and slowly that friendship grew into something else.he is very different from the other guys that are in his surrounding or from his friends.i'll say he is somewhat religious like he prays hates to lie n hates when other lies.truthful in his speech.dont have tendencies to flirt with girls n is bit shy.but as i was his friend he opened to me and finally we fall for each other.he is one in million,what i mean i dont get to see good guys around so much nowdays.even muslim guys are into alcohol weed clubbing  n all.and may b that what attract me towards him

i love him very much he keeps me happy,accepts the way  i am.n listens to whatever i say(well if he thinks what im saying is good or logical).he promises me that he'll marry me and i trust him completely with it.But i thought of  leaving him because its haram to in relationship which i understood after very long time but it's very hard:(.i''ve wrote it once ppl adviced me of marriage and ive consider that as well.but it will take years to get parents wont let me get me married now.i'll be getting into university n they want me to complete my undergraduate program(higher education-university) and he is also is in my batch so that means he is not parents want to give her daughters hand to a non incoming guy.secondly he is one year younger than me9he is 19 n im 20).n my parents just cant take mom says by time ull get older n he'll leave u eventually n she says husband should be minimum of 5 yrs older than u because girls get older earlier n guys are bit immatured than girls and plus my parents dont like him much my mom says he has dark complexion, and she thinks he drinks bear as he is bit healthy;which is not true.N for some reason dont to y she thinks his family is not upto the standard.

But i kno his family is well educated n know about him n about his family more than her..both our parents know about the relation.his parents are fine with it n they think its normal to have relationship at this age with a girl n eventually to marry her,as there have been so many love marriagess in their family.n my bf says the same thing n says' whats sinning about it if i marry u and all my cousins have done that'.he says coz he doesnt have much knowledge. i' misbehave with him so that he leaves but he still sticks to me n that what makes me more weak. even i'll say my neither my parents nor his parents knows that it is haram to have relation before marriage because they taught us having sexual intercourse is a big sin. and ive seen my mom readinf quran translation when i was 19 or about to get 20.n similar is his mother's case

i m here to seek some advice as it is getting harder for me to take a decision.i think of it all the time i hope Allah(SWT) forgives me n guide ive said i want to walk away but its just to n hard as ive been with him for years n he'll break completely.i want to proceed in my life with him having a halal relationship but i dont kno if it's possible.i want a husband who will help me get closer to Allah.




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10 Responses »

  1. Sister Emma,

    You are thinking about this, and it's effect on your life, now and in the future, which is very good. I think deep down inside, Allah is telling you the answer, and you know what it is.

    At this age, and in the permissive society of today in the west (I don't know where you live, but many of the bad traits of western society have reach nearly every part of the world), it is very hard to stay on the halaal path.

    But you know that is what you must do. There are so many distractions, so may bright, shining, seemingly pleasant diversions that Shaytaan places in front of us to lead us off of our path. But you must focus on your path. Allah has a plan for you. If you keep things halaal, then you know you are on your path.

    Allah understands that sometimes we stray from the path. In his infinite mercy, he will forgive us and wipe away our transgressions if we stop and do not repeat them. This is what you must strive for.

    You will never be perfect, and Allah will never run out of mercy, as long as you seek him after straying off your path, and try your best to get back on the right path. This is a lifelong test for you (and for us all).

    Regarding your boyfriend, if you want to have a halaal relationship with him, there is only one option, and that option is marriage. There is no real relationship outside of marriage. The only path for you from this point, in my opinion, is to have supervised visits and meetings with him, with the intent on proceeding to marriage at some point in the future. This is the guidance Allah provides, and there are many reasons for it.

    Allah knows our weaknesses. And so does Shaytaan. Shaytaan may try to trick you into justifying what you are doing now, to continue as you are. But in reading your question, you have already come to know that you cannot do this. But if you miss this chance to return to the halaal path, you may fall into even more temptations. This could effect your future greatly. I'm sure you have seen or heard of woman who have become pregnant outside of marriage. I certainly don't think you will succumb to that temptation, but it would be very difficult for you if you did and ended up in a difficult situation.

    You and this man are both adults. There is nothing wrong with you getting married at this time, with the approval of your parents.

    And this brings up another issue. Allah has provided guidance to get approval of parents, because they should have a clear head and be able to help provide you with guidance. This is not always the case, but usually is.

    If they have a valid Islamic reason for you not to marry, then you must heed their wishes. If they do not have a valid Islamic reason, then make it your mission to study, learn, and justify why they are wrong. Read the Qu'ran and Haddiths, seek out the justification for the path you wish to take. This will lead you closer to Allah, and your parents may see that you are mature enough, and wise enough to marry. It may also lead you to realize you may be acting to hastily, and realize that you can wait. In either case, you will become closer to Allah, and become a more pious Muslim. This will undoubtedly please Allah.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

    • One other point sister, I am not sure of this, but from the sound of your question, you appear to be growing and moving beyond this man in your life.

      This is another reason why relationships are haraam. Just the feelings and emotions associated with a relationship may cause you have trouble moving on when you know you should.

      Please do whatever you can to get help from a pious sister who is a friend, who can help you sort through this. I would guess that a good friend will see more clearly than you, because her head will not be filled with the emotions surrounding a relationship.

      AmericanMuslim Editor

    thank u for the response:) i really appreciate it
    i dont kno how im going to approach him saying i dont want to in this relationship.. my parents said they are going to send me to another country but i dont know when it may be after a year or two. i thought if i leave it will easier as i dont have to confront him and i can get away saying "long distance wont work"..
    .i just have the courage to say all this to him but anyhow i have to do it..
    i dont give him much time n act n behave rudely so that he leaves but isn't helping..
    so i kno i have to take the first step..and about the marriage i myself am not ready for such responsibility..
    i love him but then again deep inside i feel that i dont love n dont want to marry may be because i kno it"s a haram relationship...n i even told Allah(SAT) that if he is not to be my husband or he is not in my destiny help me me get away from him..may be for that i feel like that and even then i cant tell him directly anything:(

    • Sister Emma

      Yes, staying a way is the right thing to do.

      One comment. You said:

      i dont give him much time n act n behave rudely so that he leaves but isn't helping..

      I do not mean to be unkind, but this shows a certain level of immaturity on your part. Be honest. Follow the will of Allah. Make a clean break. Do not act in a way to push him away, that is manipulating his feelings. To be frank, it is a bit mean.

      AmericanMuslim Editor

  3. salaam,

    i know how hard it must be for you but at the end of the day sister we should fear the punishment of allah (swt) and establish all our prayers as this brings us closer to god as a whole.he sounds 1 in a million the best thing to do is to tell him but stay connected as freinds nd hopefully some day he will be back just do the right thing god is most merciful, all knowing, forgiver, and accepter of repentance . if i could do it so can you nd im behind u 100% all the way but i am sure allah knows best and inshallah you will both enter jannah nd be there 2gether

  4. Sister Zaina,

    It is a very bad idea that the sister keeps in touch with this man.

    Yes, telling him that she does not want to keep any contact with him because pie fears Allah is something she should do. After this, she should cut all contact with him and ask him not to contact her, come what may.
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  5. Sister Emma,

    The guy sounds like a decent guy and seems to love you alit. IT is really hard to find a good guy these days. If you really love him too and feel that you want to spend the rest of your life with him then why dont you just perform the islamic nikah. So that your relationship is halal. The wedding ceremony and tradutuonal party and all the responsiblities if marraige can be done few years later when you are ready to move in with him abd when he is financially stable. Just having the nikah doesnt cost that much money. After that you can continue as you are but you wont be commiting sins and can freely see each other. Problem solved.

    • Dear Samina,

      The sister requires the permission of her Wali, i.e. her father to perform nikah. Without that, there will be no valid nikah and she will be committing sin. The best thing to do is to break away from this haraam relationship. If the boy has pure intentions, he will ask his parents to approach her parents with a proposal of marriage.

      SisterZ Editor

  6. I think emma you should marry him i honestly believe he is a decent guy, you just afraid of the commitment i dont get it. Also i believe you are being really cruel to the FACT THAT YOU ARE PLAYING WITH HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE LOVES YOU WHY YOU PLAYING HIM WHY DON'T YOU BE HONEST PLEASE. This really makes me wonder why dont you marry him if not have the courage to stand up for yourself, you are the one who can change the situation for good or better. If you dont want to marry him let him go show him respect and stop what you doing and move on.

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