Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Leaving for the sake of Allah

Janaina C. Falkiewicz_Hand_YkFjQ2Q

Aslamilaykum brothers/sisters,

I am an 18 year old female. For 3 years of my life, I was great friends with a guy I knew whom was a year younger than me. We both fell in love and after 2 and half years of daily texting/being friends. Alhamdulilah, we have never done anything physcial. I met 3 times alone and 3 times with my family/mahram around, I also skyped him many times in front of family or in my room regardless, my parents knew that I was speaking to him. My family knew I was very good friends with him and never had a problem with it. The problems started when we fell in love. Word got around that me and him were very close and we liked each other, so my mother was worried for me and told me to limit my chat with him. I couldn't do that, it was too difficult for me and instead every time something happened that was meant to break us, it would bring us closer.

Anyway, this guy is amazing to me in every way. He knows everything about me and was my closest friend ever, he cared for me a lot and stood by me. In the past, I had a relationship with another guy whom I did physcial e.g. kissing with. My friend came after I broke up with my ex and he helped me so much to get over him and move on, religiously he gave me advice too. He never judged me for what I was in the past instead he looks at how I am now. After my relationship with my ex, I was full of guilt and I got closer to Allah SWT through the guilt and shame, that made it difficult for me to fall in love with my friend. He was in love with me for longer but he only told me when I realised and told him that I loved him later on in our friendship.

This guy and me want to get married. My mother found out a few months ago because he told her himself that he wants to marry me and he is not passing time with me, at the time we were young around 16/17 and she immediately thought he was too confident and rude. That he is making huge promises for the future and he doesn't know if he can fulfil them. Me and him get along in such great ways, we love everything about each other, we used to talk everyday via text/skype and even though he lived nearby, we refused to meet each other to control ourselves. He respects me so much and I believe we are a perfect fit for each other. In terms of Iman, he reads his daily prayers and he attends Islamic study classes and that made me fall in love with him more. He never used to pray until I fell in love with him and told him the importance of prayer, and now alhamdulilah God has guided him to read his daily prayers.

A few weeks ago, my mum and dad found out that I want to marry him also and that I have very deep feelings for him. My parents do not like him or his family, they do not wish for him to be my husband. I told them I wanted to get married young, around 19/20 with my friend but they are not willing because of age and financial/academic reasons. Therefore, we decided to do the right thing which was please Allah SWT by leaving our haram relationship. It was incredibly difficult to do, and it still is. I love him very much for the sake of Allah SWT, I want our love to be pure and blessed. We decided that we will wait for each other and if it is meant to be then we will come back to each other. The wait however, is very long, I say around 6-10 years for me and him to finish our degrees and get a job and then marry. My parents have agreed that if he is financially capable and ready to marry me then they will do the nikkah, and that it was in my destiny to have him.

The thing is I'm worried he won't come back to me, I'm worried that he will leave me even though he said that he will wait for me and he will come back for me when the time is right. The wait is long, and I miss him a lot... I know that when you leave something for the sake of Allah SWT then he gives you something better but right now in my eyes, I can't see anyone better than him and I'm worried if I get married to another man that he won't have the same qualities as he did. My parents don't know how much we love each other, and a lot of Muslims in the country/area I live in would not have sacrificed someone they love for God. That is a big thing, especially if you spoke to them for so long everyday. I make duaa daily, if he is the right one for me then ya Allah reunite me with him. How do I stop missing him? How do I keep faith in God that he will give me great man like him? Will he reunite me with him? Should I keep hope that he will return? Am I crazy to even consider marriage at this age? I just miss him so much, I have so many memories left. I feel like I left a great thing in my life, that it's gone from my hands now and it'll never come back.

shamif16


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Sister,

    I hope you are having a better day. I am going to put some of your letter in quotes and give you my response.

    You say:

    "I know that when you leave something for the sake of Allah SWT then he gives you something better but right now in my eyes, I can't see anyone better than him..."

    Perhaps the "better" thing that Allah will give you is not necessarily a different guy, but rather, patience, faith, determination, and/or a chance to focus and invest on other things in your life like your education, career, hobbies, friendships, etc. and make them great!

    "I make duaa daily, if he is the right one for me then ya Allah reunite me with him"

    Have you done the Salat-ul-Istikhara? If you are really stressed out or preoccupied with this to the point where it is consuming your mind, reading this prayer/dua for seven days or however long it takes you to attain peace of mind will give you some relief. If you only want to be with him if he is "the right one for you" as you say, then Allah will direct you through this prayer...you will essentially be asking Allah to facilitate the best decision for you. You can obtain more information on the dua by clicking the Istikhara tab in the blue row at the top of this website.

    "Should I keep hope that he will return?"

    There is nothing wrong with keeping hope as long as it is not hurting you and making you impatient or anxious. If you have found a way and mindset for making hope "work for you" in your life. If, on the other hand, keeping up hope has you constantly obsessing and/or in tears with frustration, then I would pray the Salat-ul-Istikhara as I suggested above, and know that Allah will choose the best thing for you.

    Inshallah your confusion and stress will be relieved soon.

    Hugs,

    Nor

    • Oh thank you so much for your advice. It has helped me so much, I have been suffering alone and this has made me feel much better. Thank you for also not judging me and my behaviour in the past.

      Alhamdullilah, I am improving but he is still consuming my mind on a daily basis. I have not done Istikarah before, I will definitely do that and look into it. It will be very beneficial for me!!

      Lots of love

      • Salam Sis, hope you're doing fine by now by grace of Allah swt.. Sis, I am also suffering from almost same situation right now, Can you please contact with me? I need your help!! Please for the sake of Allah!! May Allah grant you best reward for this deed in this life and the life hereafter!

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