Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Left her because of her past… how do I get her out of my head?

I am in such pain

I am missing her

I broke up with my girl about a year ago because I couldn't handle her past. I tried to get over it, but I couldn't. In the end, I just ended up badgering her about it in the guise of 'talking it out', and so it became apparent to both of us that I couldn't handle it. All of this was not done in a very Islamic way.

Since I didn't know the exact details about her past, I asked her if she thought I would be comfortable being with her if I knew what she'd done (I had found out that she actually had a past through other sources). Her answer was a plain and simple 'no'. This was distressing, since I didn't have an 'absolutist' position on the matter, i.e. I do realize we live in an open society and I certainly would have been able to look beyond certain actions. But she herself felt that I wouldn't have been able to do so if I knew.

Now I had grown quite close to her by the time this happened, so it was very hard to let her go for this reason. It felt illogical to me even as I was doing it, and I felt like a horrible person. The past should remain in the past and all that jazz. And I should have had the strength to let it go. But I had absolutely no history before I met her, so it was hard for me to rationalize and accept her position. I didn't want our lives to be an experiment in determining whether or not a man like me could accept such a situation and live happily ever after. I feel incredibly guilty for what I did, even though I believe the right thing happened.

When I was with her, all I could think about was the fact that she was hiding some significant details from me. But now that we're no longer together, all I can remember are the positives in her that made me grow close to her in the first place. But unless I regularly went to a therapist or something, I know this thing would have bothered me for a loooongg time, and it would have affected our relationship. How do I get over this feeling of loss, even though I know what happened was probably the best thing for both of us?

FYI, I understand most of this was outside Islamic boundaries and as a result of this experience I am trying to reform myself and become a better muslim. But nonetheless, this did happen and I need to deal with it.


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10 Responses »

  1. Maybe she repented to allah and moved on. She doesn't have to tell you or anyone about Her past or sins because that's between her and Allah swt. If God has forgiven her inshallah then why should you and I have a problem with what she used to do? Nobody is perfect

  2. Can'tmoveon,

    Well I'm not sure what to say here. You're not asking anyone to really answer anything for you, all you're asking for is some kind of distraction until you're over her. How long has it been? That determines whether a distraction would really work, or if you're asking for advice to move on. None of us can tell you anything to stop thinking about her. You're thinking about her because maybe you loved her, and maybe you were used to her, and maybe you miss her presence in your life. But the most impactful thing anyone could ever tell you to help you move on, is that her past, as much or little of a right as you may or may not have had to it, would none the less have bothered you to the point that the stress would have eroded your relationship anyway. It was apparently already doing just that. The problem was in your head, and so is the solution.

    That being said, just know that not only is your story common, but you have faults that you will find and face, and HIDE them from others one day too. And then you'll feel villainized for being judged for those things. Being in that spot is never easy, and only you... and only Her for that matter... can ever understand how hard it is to be in that situation. Anyone who has a past who tried to start over only to have it follow them and ruin their lives anyway can tell you how much of a cancer past choices can be. I don't think it's fair that people can't start over without people like you INSISTING on knowing the gruesome details of their past choices and ignoring the effort and commitment to reform and change their behaviour, but the struggle exists. Now I'm not saying your actions or thoughts are unfounded. If you're a virgin man who's kept his gaze down and been good, then you deserve (if you insist) a good modest virgin girl if you want one. But be aware of the culture and the appreciation for patience and compromise here that makes this part of the world an Oasis for social movements that empower and enrich the lives of everyone in all facets of life including sex/gender issues and religious issues.

    Now for the slap on the hand and excuse me for taking the liberty: Maybe the ultimate lesson here isn't to sit and acknowledge to yourself that you acted out of some kind of "wisdom" for the inevitable way your relationship would have ended (by your actions), but perhaps the lesson should be that you'll never really find happiness if you insist on knowing every black spot on every record of every woman you'll ever consider for marriage. I swear if men could unwrap a woman from her placental sac just before marriage, they would. We're not unearthly angels, we're human. Try giving us a break from now on, or else do us a favour and don't let us get attached to you before you psyche yourself out and decide we're not worth the trouble.

    Good luck, Salam

    • Marvelous!!! Especially this part: Try giving us a break from now on, or else do us a favour and don't let us get attached to you before you psyche yourself out and decide we're not worth the trouble.

    • It works both ways sister. If you are asked before you (and the other person) have grown emotionally attached about something specific, do not tell what you consider to be 'white lies'. Try not to build relationships on lies. Realize the gravity of the situation. Everyone has a right to feel strongly about something. The other person might not be as strong as you are. And honestly, I don't know about others, but not indulging in filth of this nature, is that really such an unheard of thing these days? Is that what we have come to?

  3. Look brother everyone has his her past and as u said nobody will live in past. Yes it z only remains for repenting. Was your love was so weak that you left her for the sin that she did before you? We all are humans and we do mistakes. Was she involved in major sin in her past like fornication? If no then you mustn't leave her. If yes then u r right and u should not be in regret. As u know according to the Holy book Quran Good women are for good men and bad ones are fr each other. If u r not committed with such sins then u r right and u rightly left her cz she z for a man like her.
    As far as girl's concern may b she is living happy now without you. Its about 1 year may b she is happy and really much thankful to you. It was your decision then why you r in regret.
    I must say you should keep her out of ur mind. If u had evidence against her then u did right.

  4. Dear Brother
    If she has repented then she is the good person
    please everybody has the past some good and some bad

    IF mine or your or anybody's mother had bad past and we come to know about this and now we clearly know that she is now good will any of us leave our mother???????
    same imagine with our sisters and also with our daughters?????

    so please she is also our sister in Islam when Allaahu Rabbul 'Izzath forgives her who are we???
    I understand u looked at her possitive points ,but its our fault that we look possitive in human when our creator (Rabbul 'Aalameen) himself said to us that in The Qur’an that , ‘…And Mankind was created weak.’ [4:].

    The Prophet
    [pbuh] also said, ‘Every son of Adam makes a mistake and the best of those who commit mistakes are the ones who seek
    forgiveness and make repentance.’ This is a proof that no one is perfect.

    “Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” [Qur'an, 25:70]


    Yes according to above Hadeeth a person doing mountain of sin and atlast got hidhayah and if he/ she repents in Aakhirah what lucky he / she will have some good deeds on his / her deed book which he / she hasnt donr it and they will ask how come the azars(good deeds apear on my deed book which i havent done then it will be said to them its their repentence and so their sinsce which they repented are turned into good deeds
    this is for person who got hidhayah and repented for their sin but not for green card for person who do sins keep doing sins
    in that way u r Alhamdhulillaah u have got Allaahu Rab's mercy dont worry.

    please We have The Quraan which is revealed to us as sifa cure and solutions for any problems internal(heart mind)or externally.
    dont worry my sister dont worry
    we have the Way of Our Prophet Muhammadh Sallallaahu Alaihi Wasallam
    if this things not gonna move us what else can move?
    “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.” [Tirmidhi]

    “Say: O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
    He also says in the Quran:

    “Indeed Allah loves those who repent and purify themselves.“[Surah Al Baqarah, 2:222]

    The Prophet ﷺ said: “All the children of Adam constantly err, but the best of those who constantly err are those who constantly repent.” [Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ahmad, Hakim]

    please just forgive her and continue in the way of ISLAM

    with Regards


  5. I think it's okay for someone to have criterias to a potential spouse's past. I wouldn't want a husband, myself, who has slept around with girlfriends and one night stands in his past - to ME, it doesn't matter if he has repented for this sin or not. I mean, it's good for HIM if he has, but when I haven't committed such sin myself, I don't want a husband who has. And I believe it is my right to demand what I can offer. So if that's the case with you, then it's fine to have that criteria. But if you have a past yourself, then you would be quite the hypocrite to have a problem with this girl's past.

    Whatever your position is, I think you need to decide whether you want to stick to your criteria and move on with your life by putting your energy in to your job, studies, interests, social life, family and friends, without obsessing over this girl - or if you are going to tolerate the fact she has a bad past and pursue marriage with her. There really is no other option.

  6. Salam Aleykoum,

    I agree with both of the above comments, even if, to apply it it can be hard.

    Please see your situation in this way: If you really broke up, not going with her anymore; you will marry to someone else someday, inshallah. Think about it: just because you had this relationship outside of marriage, now, you also have a bad past.

    Nobody is perfect, try to deal with her past but if you can't then let her go

    Salam and good luck

  7. Salaam Dear Brother,

    I saw a short Islamic film about what you are going through, and I would like you to check it out: It perfectly describes what everyone else is advising you: ultimately, her past is HERS and Allah SWT's, as your is YOURS and His as well...

    May Allah Most High help you get through this, Insha'Allah

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