Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The Less Religious she Gets the More Worried I am about Getting Married


Salamualakum my dear respected brothers and sisters,

Let me start off by saying I'm very grateful to share my story with you, it has been causing a lot of distress in my life for a long time and your advice will be greatly appreciated.

The story begins many years ago when I had become friends with a girl in my class. We quickly became good friends but because of the religious difference between us, we were friends and nothing else. She was actually a non believer when we first met and we would have numerous discussions with random friends and amongst ourselves about meaning of life, God etc. etc. Essentially she reverted a few years later after studying the Quran in depth, learning to pray, going to the mosque, fasting and so forth. But she refused to go to the mosque and say shahadah or tell her family fearing they would banish her.

Soon after we discussed whether we would be good together - and I must say she is one of the kindest souls, and most humble people I have ever met. Not materialistic and amazingly pious. Given the above I thought she would make a wonderful wife and great mother to my children.

However that's when things started to get hairy, progressively over a year, due to school/work/depression I almost watched her stop practicing. She stopped learning (reading books, learning Arabic - she was going to classes before this) - she still practices (fasts, and prays occasionally) but I no longer see that drive that I used to see in her. Which has made me slow down in my plans to get married because I fear of making a huge mistake.

When I asked her about this she claimed she was going through a difficult time with practicing and attributes it to her depression - which is understandable. I encourage her to make Du'a but I'm often heard by deaf ears. I have been patient with her but I've been waiting now for almost 1.5 years with no change in her practice.

I mean there are numerous things that could be attributed to her feeling depressed such as being distant from her family (she told them and they were devastated), natural highs and lows of difficulty practicing, and being a revert without having a strong social support to help guide you.

I feel like I want her to recapture her faith on her own so I am not responsible for coercing her.  But I find myself pushing her. I try to listen to her problems to help her have faith in God and always recommend she turn to Allah swt but I'm not sure it works.

My parents know about her and have met her and think she is a very nice girl- but have the same concerns as I do regarding her ability to consistently practice.

I feel completely stuck and don't know what to do!

Thank you!


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Brother,

    I am happy you shared this with us.

    1 solution: Do not read other books. Read the Qur'an, that is the only place from where iiman comes and strengthens.

    Ask her to turn to Qur'an, Insha Allah she will be regular again, if Allah wills and you will see the drive in her again.

    124. And whenever a surah is revealed there are some of them who say: Which one of you hath thus increased in faith? As for those who believe, it hath increased them in faith and they rejoice (therefor).
    125. But as for those in whose hearts is disease, it only addeth wickedness to their wickedness, and they die while they are disbelievers. - Surah At Tauba.

    Alhamdulillaah, the revelation of the Qur'an in stages was to even strengthen the heart of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and make it firm in iimaan:

    32. And those who disbelieve say: Why is the Qur’an not revealed unto him all at once? (It is revealed) thus that We may strengthen thy heart therewith; and We have arranged it in right order. - Surah Furqaan.

    Take the advice brother, pay heed to it, Insha Allah, this is the cure to the disease she is infected with.

    Your brother,

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother samee,

    Thank you very much for sharing with us.

    Have you considerer to perform Istikhara related to this issue?

    Would be good to trust Allah(swt) guidance related to marriage.

    Related to your friend, our family is our everything during our lifetime, if she was close to her family and now they are far from each other due to conversion, subconsciously she may blocked herself until she heals this wound, blood bonds are heavy bonds and they affect us in deep ways, you can stand that for a while, but too long can cause sickness and she won´t be able to move forward until she receives family´s acceptance, insha´Allah. All of us function differently, she may be too affected by that.

    Have you thought about encouraging her to get closer to her family, to show them, she is still the daughter, the sister, the niece, the grandaughter she was before, to show her love towards them unconditionally that will not affect her love towards them. She should look for guidance, seems to me she is stagnated on time, it is a shock that your family rejects you, they feel you betray them, and we feel lonely to the marrow of our bones, our subconscious acts fast to avoid a collapse and we stop being so passionate about our inner urges, because were the origin of the conflict. This must be solved in a conscious way. She needs to acknowledge this is going on, and pray Allah(swt) by herself to help her and guide her through all these struggles, no way out of submission, this is a huge test, she has to ponder if she is able to do it or not.

    Respect her times, acknowledge the vulnerability of her process, please, don´t pressure her, please, there are many subtle issues going on here, she must find the path herself and ask for help; you can tell her, you have me if you need me, you just have to ask me and I will be at your side insha´Allah.

    Brother, please, trust Allah(swt) ways, I would like you to give her this readings:

    For you, I have this one,

    And for her, to help her in her salat the following,

    33 ways of developing khushu in salah.

    You can also read this beautiful salah series by Jinan Bastaki.

    Perform Istikhara after you talk to her, give her a couple of days and then do it.

    I hope this helps, insha´Allah. If you need us, just let us know.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

    • Maria, Asalaamualaykum,

      Thank you so much for your words: "...seems to me she is stagnated on time, it is a shock that your family rejects you, they feel you betray them, and we feel lonely to the marrow of our bones, our subconscious acts fast to avoid a collapse and we stop being so passionate about our inner urges, because were the origin of the conflict. This must be solved in a conscious way. She needs to acknowledge this is going on, and pray Allah(swt) by herself to help her and guide her through all these struggles, no way out of submission, this is a huge test..."

      You have maashaAllah such a deep understanding. Although your words were for the sister who wrote the initial post, your words are a much needed balm for others too. Families play a large role in our lives and when they reject us or make us feel that we have betrayed them for being different, our subconcious can do exactly as you described. It can shut down, collapse and go numb - it is an instant reaction like when a flower closes up to protect itself from harm. The passion and inner urge cools down, but if that passion comes from a sincere origin, it will cool down only for a certain period of time. Again, you are right, we need to deal with this in a conscious manner, through recognising one's own way of reacting and through increasing connection with Allah(swt). It is a very vulnerable and lonely place to be in and so it is a relief to know that there is an explanation behind this feeling. The last thing this sister needs is undermining.

      So if the sister's eman is sincere, she will come become stronger again. When we become closer to Allah, shaytaan immediately strikes and tries to weaken us and this is when we fluctuate in faith. For this sister, her weakness is her family and I think it would help for her to have a strong network of 'kind and compassionate' muslims around her. At the same time, if she approaches her family and lets them see that she is the same loving kind person, accepting her new faith will hopefully be easier for them.


  3. Thank you friends for your responses.

    I have asked her to turn to the quran, however she does not have the energy/strength to do so.

    And family wise - she has become more involved in her family as she does go home often and does the same things as she used to for her parents ie help with the cleaning, groceries etc. However they do not talk about her conversion and also she has a very strained relationship with most of her family because of this despite her efforts.

    I have supported her from day 1 however because of the issues I presented - I'm finding myself more and more distant from her...

    I have not done istikhara before but have been considering it.

    Any more suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Many thanks,


    • Asslamau alaykum Brother,

      Leave her case to Allah and pray to Allah to guide her, we cannot guide a person by our choice, Allah will guide whom He wills

      As He says:

      125. And whomsoever it is Allah's will to guide, He expandeth his bosom unto the Surrender, and whomsoever it is His will to send astray, He maketh his bosom close and narrow as if he were engaged in sheer ascent. Thus Allah layeth ignominy upon those who believe not. - Surah Al An'am.

      80. Lo! thou canst not make the dead to hear, nor canst thou make the deaf to hear the call when they have turned to flee;
      81. Nor canst thou lead the blind out of their error. Thou canst make none to hear, save those who believe Our revelations and who have surrendered.
      - Surah an Naml

      56. Lo! thou (O Muhammad) guidest not whom thou lovest, but Allah guideth whom He will. And He is best aware of those who walk aright. - Surah Al Qasas

      29. Lo! this is an Admonishment, that whosoever will may choose a way unto his Lord.
      30. Yet ye will not, unless Allah willeth. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.
      31. He maketh whom He will to enter His mercy, and for evil doers hath prepared a painful doom.
      - Surah Al Insaan

      27. This is naught else than a reminder unto creation,
      28. Unto whomsoever of you willeth to walk straight.
      29. And ye will not, unless (it be) that Allah willeth, the Lord of Creation.
      - Surah Takwir

      So pray to Allah and know that Allah will guide whom He wills and He is best aware of those who walk aright.

      Be at peace, keep your iimaan strong and hope for the best.

      If she turns away from Islam, your duty is only to warn of Allah's wrath on wrong doers. If she turns back to the path of Islam, Alhamdulillaah. So pray to Allah and be patient and choose for yourself the best after seeing the reality of the situation.

      A Muslim leaves all His matters to Allah. So you also do the same and don't worry brother, Insha Allah, she will be alright if Allah wills.

      Your brother.

    • As salamu alaykum, brother Samee,

      I agree with Brother Munib, take care of yourself and if you don´t want to be around her, just let her know and move on with your life, you sound quite dissapointed already, she seems to have a long way to walk before getting ready to marry, I think you should talk to her seriously about the way you are feeling now towards her, she won´t be the girl that captured your attention anymore and it seems to me that you don´t like much the girl she is now. Then be honest to yourself and be honest to her, insha´Allah.

      Allah(swt) knows all the ways, we don´t, but you can sit and ask yourself what do you want exactly and see if she can offers it to you, if she doesn´t just don´t waste your life or hers, following the shadows of a past that doesn´t exist anymore and build up a present with real facts, insha´Allah.

      I am really happy she is in close touch with her family, this will help to heal in time, insha´Allah.

      Brother Samee, you may love her and she may love you, but not necessary you have to marry, specially now that you feel so far from her, look for Allah(swt)´s guidance and enjoy being alive, it seems to me there is a long time since you don´t have a sweet smile from your Heart, I will send you and her a big one, to cheer you up at least for a second.

      To help you to active your energy would be good that you walk 40 minutes everyday, focusing in now, when you discover yourself thinking, bring your mind back to focus on the beauty and blessings that surrounds you, Alhamdulillah.

      Allah(swt) knows best.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María Editor

      • Brother you have a link on Istikhara and duas on top of the page, I hope it helps, insha ´Allah.

        María Editor

  4. I just wanted to follow up with those that gave me this wonderful advice.

    First of all thank you. May allah swt bless you and your loved ones.

    We did end up separating after a lengthy discussion, she was understandable devastated, and unfortunately I do not believe she practices anymore. Whether that was because she associated Islam to me, God knows.

    Regardless - I ended up meeting this wonderful woman sometime later and by the Grace of God this woman has been everything I could've ever asked for, we even had the opportunity to go for Hajj last year 🙂

    Alhamdullah - always have faith and things will work out.


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