Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Life is difficult with a husband who is not a practicing Muslim

Muslim woman in hijab

Assalam Alaikum. I write to you feeling confused and guilty. I am married 6 years to my husband to whom I am very loyal for Allah's sake only. My purpose of marriage was to keep me away from all sin, as I do not have the ability to live a lonely life. However right before marriage he disclosed he drinks, that he will not do it in future if I did not allow it, which I made clear I would never. Over the years I have steadily grown as a better Muslim Alhumdulillah , however much improvement still needed. I love and fear Allah and hate the unlawful acts which he does like drinking , stayed out with friends for long, and not praying except 1 juma prayer a week, gambling and clubbing whenever he get opportunity. My husband idealises non Muslim life style and me the opposite. As a consequence our marriage suffers. I need him a lot he is father to the love of my life my dear young daughter who is too disturbed because of frequent yelling between parents. He has frequent anger outbursts half times because of drinking half time because of his anger problem and his family all of them who want me to work and earn and see me as a problem because  I do not work still. I tried my best to tell him to pray, to stop drinking, don't take riba, mention many Hadith and Quran and make Dhikar of Allah in front of him but it is as if he sees me very old fashioned, no use. I cannot match his lifestyle. We enjoy happy times as well he earns and provides for us. But there is no real satisfaction for me, I am sad and lonely and as if there is no peace in this marriage. He. Sleeps away from me 25-28 days of a month on the sofa and asking why he says there is no special reason bed is too small, which it is not. He brags of doing unlawful sex after getting high on beer

I need him, but do not love him. I started to yell back to him, I started to frequently lose my patience and temper at him..I do not trust him. I feel I am very ungrateful towards him even though he is providing for us in a good manner although always cursing me for doing it. I lack Sabar. I do not find good companionship in him. Also I feel I wish I dream to have a pious husband who would appreciate that I am practicing Islam and encourage me .  Sometimes the devil push me to be unloyal to him to kill my loneliness. I would never be happy making Allah angry but I get such intuitions coming in my head all the time but I will never act on it. I am sad. Please advise on whether in the coming years I should consider making a move of ending this marriage. I love my daughter and can do this when inshAllah in coming few years I am able to provide well for her. I cannot imagine to leave her to him.  Also I started feeling its getting harder to stay religious being around him and trying to match things which will impress him. I am confused.

Shazia

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6 Responses »

  1. Get. Out.Now.
    If you were looking for a sign to tell you whether or not you should stay then this is the sign

    Get.Out.Now.

    not only does the man drink and Gamble( that is the least of the problems)

    he's having relationships with other women

    he is setting the example for your daughter
    that it is ok for a husband to cheat on his wife

    Your daughter even sees
    that you and your husband sleep separate from each other

    he's setting the example that it's okay for a man to scream at his wife

    he's setting the example that it's ok to gamble away his money

    get out now

    There is nothing wrong with
    you are a decent beautiful person
    and you deserve to be with someone who's going to treat you with respect

    there is no hope for this
    this is beyond fixing

    no amount of praying and no amount of therapy will ever fix this

    because he does not want to fix himself

    this is the answer I gave you

    take it or forever be miserable

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

  2. OP: I need him, but do not love him..... He sleeps away from me 25-28 days of a month on the sofa and asking why he says there is no special reason bed is too small, which it is not. He brags of doing unlawful sex after getting high on beer.......  Sometimes the devil push me to be unloyal to him to kill my loneliness. I would never be happy making Allah angry but I get such intuitions coming in my head all the time but I will never act on it. I am sad

    What can make you love him? He brags about doing unlawful sex. Is he trying to prove he can do sex? Your husband is committing Zina but you don't seem to be bothered by it. You get thoughts of becoming unloyal all the time. You should avoid yelling at each other in front of your daughter. Your daughter needs to live in a loving environment. If you seriously get involved in raising your daughter you won't be that lonely.

  3. Next time just link to the article, please.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. If you don't get a divorce done right now then sooner or later you WILL be influenced by him to become a sinful muslim too, although you yourself will have gone further than him and even given up believing in Allah (S.W.T).
    After 6 years and by which time there should have been some sort of improvement by him but there hasn't been any and even you are starting to lose to it. Your daughter is growing in a terribly nasty environment too. 6 Years is a lot to handle there and with things getting worse then it's time to save your Imaan by getting away from your husband or else not only will you lose your Imaan but also your sanity and possibly even end up killing yourself later on. Things will be worse for your daughter so advice is to definitely get out of it sooner than later. Protect your Imaan and your daughter too from the influences of shaitaan.

    May Allah (S.W.T) guide you and your family to the right path and keep you on it to the very end and may he enable you to have a husband who is of a great influence to you and others in terms of striving to be good Muslims.

  5. You and your husband obviously have quite different views about lifestyle to follow. As none of you seems to be able to convince the other, you both should stop trying. You should both try to accept the fact that the other has another opinion.
    Sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him that you find the way you are currently living intolerable. Tell him that you want to find a way to live together peacefully in the interest of your daughter.
    Try to make compromises with him which improves the lives of both of you. For example: if you stop drinking, than I stop nagging you to pray. I won`t lecture you with Haddith and Quran, if you stay out long only one night a week.
    Try to set up rules with him to keep your daughter out of disagreements as much as possible, for example to discuss sensitive topics only when she is already asleep. Set up the rule, that if any of you notices the other bringing up contentious topics, he or she should say "let´s discuss this later in the evening". Such topics are best discussed after a meal anyway: a full belly makes people more eager for compromise.
    Try to organise more of the "happy times" you mentioned (trips together with your daugther, etc.) so he can find joy in the family circle and discover that he does not need to go "clubbing" to have a good time.
    Try to avoid discussions about Lifestyle for a while, until some peace sets in. If the two of you discuss Lifestyle matters, both of you should abstain from trying to convince the other. The Discussion should not go along the line "you should do this because..., you should not do that because...". Both of you should just try to explain their respective point of views, like "I think this is right, because...". It is important to set up the rule before such a discussion that both of you listen to each other patiently, without interrupting / contradicting / objecting. Understanding each others point of views is more helpful in buliding a relationship of trust and acceptance than being bent upon convincing the other.
    Set yourself a time frame, let`s say, about 1 year, in which you try to repair your relationship. When you have reached the deadline, evaluate whether enough improvement was made, if you still find it unbearable, you still can divorce.

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