Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Life on its wits!!!

Breast cancer cell

Asalam a laikom !

I am facing a very difficult situation in life . I hope your advise will help me reach to a certain decision.

I am having stage 4 cancer . My doctors connect this cancer to very painful childhood issues. So I will start from there and then come to current situation.

I am a first born child . When I was just 6 months old according to my grandmother , my mother handed me over to them , to make them happy. I stayed with them now and then till 4 years of age . I still remember when I use to leave grandparents house I use to cry after my grand parents , when my parents would leave my grandparents home I would be crying after parents.when I reunited with my parents my mother became judgemental always taking me at a hit point that I am not like her other kids, I am spoiled , I am a failure and abuse me physically to tame me . I was always bad and then I would be trying all the efforts to take best out of me but nothing was ever enough . It hurt me psychologically , emotionally and physically tremendously. Though I educated the way my mother wanted , I followed the field she wanted me to do , but I was never good enough . She always judged me with my sister and other siblings , never appreciated me. She blocked my ways to my grandparents as I was under her control , and I couldn't do anything except obeying her . She cursed me why I was a daughter ? Why I was born and wished she throw me away etc etc.

When I had proposals and I was interested in , she spoiled them , so much so and for so many years that at the end I resisted it as my age was going too far.and gave my decision that after this I won't marry if they push me further , though it was very stressful standing for my rights .

I always wished I marry to someone far away from my parents so they don't harm me . And so that happened .i am away from them but harm still come to me from thousands of miles away in the form of blames , and taunts.

I got cancer the first time couple of years ago , I told my mother about my sickness later in the treatment as I didn't want to hurt her , and then she visited me . She asked me to visit them after my treatment , when I did and I wanted to stay with them a little longer she shut her doors on me .
Fast forward now I got cancer again , which is late stages , she insisted to come but I didn't want her to travel but didn't stop her as she might get hurt with my resistance .

But her coming here was very painful to me . Being judgmental to me , my kids and the way we live . Not taking care of my privacy and telling her friends what's going on in my life despite I stopped her from publicitizing my condition. When my husband use to praise me she would stay quite or give it negative meanings . It all made me heart broken. Not only that she was conveying all this to the rest of her kids , taking their sympathies and making them against me .

Couple of night before she was leaving she had an argument with my husband . My husband praised me that none of your kid is like her and she made it into something that you are talking against the rest of my kids . Debate got hot up and she locked herself up in the room. I asked my husband to apologize she again slammed doors on him . Finally me and my husband both apologized but she refused . Not only that she said that I am sick and my husband don't wanna keep me any more and so I better go with her and leave my husband and children behind . Which was very upsetting for me as my husband didn't say anything like that but simply she wanted to break our marriage. Then my other sister conspire with her and called upon a taxi and she refused us to drop her in our car in the airport , when I asked her that if you be doing this , then it will be last time you seeing me and she said was very insulting to me and my husband but I didn't force her anything .i said good bye to her normally . And when my husband was standing with the taxi driver to give directions to him for properly helping her with her luggage , she abused him in the Main Street .

Since she left none of my siblings or father contacted me why this happened , they listened to her and her side of story but not mine . My sister who conspire in arranging her taxi she did message couple of time but I requested her not to bother me as I am already sick and fighting cancer and what they are doing is extremely stressful .

Today I was listening to Surat al raad,in which Allah has cursed the person that break the ties. None among my parents has called me since then to ask about my wellbeing . No one listened to my side . I didn't misbehave with my mother , but I can't leave my husband because she wants me to do so .
I don't want to be a person who is being cursed by Allah , but Allah has given me duties toward my husband and keeping with my mom is creating hate in my heart toward my husband and making me angry toward him . Except one brother who asks about me after few weeks , no one contacts me , calls me or ask about my wellbeing .

Kindly advise me am I wrong in keeping quite , trying to protect myself . I am the person who always called them , worried about them and put them ahead of me always and now when I am not doing it , they are not asking about me if I am alive or not ???

I am a daughter is that my fault .

Can parents be this brutal ??

It's very difficult and painful .


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10 Responses »

  1. You just overthink that is your problem. What kind of mother is she. Her daughter is suffering from cancer and she wants to create emotional drama. Stay with your husband and leave everything to Allah. Say to Allah that i am weak and cannot handle all of this chaos. You may make decission that is better for all of us. After this stop thinking and relax. Do not contact anyone. Now its upon Allah to do everything. If your family leaves you then let them leave you. Accept it as it may be Allah will. You may do zikr of Allah's names ... ya Allah ya Rehmanu ya Raheemu. May Allah cure you. Ya Allah please relieve this soul from pain and suffering.

  2. Assalaamualaykum Warda12,

    You write: "I am the person who always called them , worried about them and put them ahead of me always and now when I am not doing it..."

    It sounds like they expect you to be the one initiating contact and putting their needs before your own because that is what you've always done and they don't like your newfound sense of independence and confidence.

    While not necessarily easy in the short term, there is a way through this that will reap some peace in the long term Inshallah. You can continue to remain firm and confident in your decisions (marriage, for example) all the while not giving in to "silent bullying" by your mother. While not easy at first and requiring some practice, you can continue to ask after her, how she is doing, etc., by separating your self-image from her reaction. For example, if you go into a phone call with her and she answers, reactiing badly, you can separate that reaction from your sense of being by reminding yourself that Allah created you and you have the right to be who you are with all your thoughts and feelings and needs. By remaining firm in your decisions but still contacting her and trying communication with her, you will set a new tone for the relationship which, over time, will be the new normal.

    I hope that this makes sense, and if not, please let me know and I will further elaborate.



  3. Asalamu aleikum sis
    Dear it's not your fault to be a daughter why simply because Allah most high created you dating way. U may love something that is not good for you and hate something that is good for you but you don't know only Allah knows. Dear you've tried your best to please this unpleasant mother and Allah knows your effort leave them don't contact them because if you do it brings you trouble just stay away. Keep on remembering Allah by doing dhikr for in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find serenity Sarah read. I pray that Allah most high make this illness away of sin remittance for you, make it easy for you, bless you with quick shifaa and raise your Rank in jannah.
    Love you for Allah sake

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