Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lifelong abuse by my parents, forced marriages, and now I’m pregnant…

Pregnant teen

Aslam alikum here I go.

Well I'm a pakistani who is British, let me just give a bit of background info about me. I'm 20 years old, I'm married for the second time that to parents choice and to be honest a lot of force but I am pregnant at the moment and back in uk at my grandparents houses who I hate due to the way they are with me. Even though I am pregnant they treat me like a piece of dirt, like I'm a kid and anything I touch will break.

Now about my parents and situation. Well my parents are the typical pakistani parents. Past few years my dad has just started to pray and stuff before that all that didn't even exist for them my mum still doesn't pray or anything. I got married for the first time when my parents took me to Pakistan at 15. I missed most of my GCSEs (school exams) and school. I was taken in the school holidays and told I would be back after 4 weeks but I was there two years. It was horrible for me.

After a while everyone was here getting educated, going college, finding jobs and I was in Pakistan told that if I do not accept the ristha chosen by parents I will be here till I do so. Finally a few days after my 17 birthday they just found somebody who was my dad's relative and said they are going to get us just engaged and then I can go back and study and what not. Well two days before the engagment I got told they are doing the nikka. I cried and cried but nobody listened. Finally we got our nikka and ruksati was the following year.

They took me back to England after 4 months of this. The guy never rang, nothing. I told them, they ignored it and said I was lying and over exaggerating. In this time I went college and started working - they wouldn't give me a penny so I had no choice.

I went back at 19 and they married me to him. He wouldn't come Pakistan but eventually he did, he came back to England with us and he made my life hell and blamed a lot of things on me. I was naive I thought it would end the world he said that if I accept saying something on text he would take me back and like a fool I did. He then misinterpretated that he stole my old phone and found me wearing western clothes which he knew I wore some old work pictures and guys where in them but they were like white Indian stuff like that - people who just worked with me. And made a lot of stuff up.

I still to the last moment begged the guy not to let go but the only reason he was doing all that because he had left his girlfriend and loved her and wanted to go back to her. He had only married me for his mums sake and for wealthy family property, and he made me out to be the bad one and in the end left me and went back to his happy life with her.

My life was destroyed. I still remember it all like it was yesterday and cry my heart out. So at that point my parents didn't support me much all but they did get me divorced and held a firm discussion there.

I was working had a better life and I was moving on now. What my patents did again was trick me. They said I have to go Pakistan and sign the divorce papers there and bla bla bla... we will come back in 6 months. I was in Pakistan, I insisted to come back but I got the same response as before - "you are here till you get married and get pregnant".

They managed to marry me off 4 month after my divorce to somebody I didn't want to marry but they heard no heed and I accepted it for their sake. Now I got pregnant straight away and they wouldn't send me back but then when they had something sorted for his work to come to uk and I had to sign papers, they sent me to my grandmas. My mom said she will be back soon but she's still not come to date.

I'm 6 months pregnant, my parents are sat in Pakistan, I am here all alone and looking after myself despite poor health. Nobody helps me. I even get shouted at for having appointments, going out even to put the bin out on my own, I'm not allowed to do.

I hate it. I am only tolerating it because of my parents. In all this I haven't left them or turned a blind eye but they don't listen. I have given my husbands case. I'm 21 soon, I don't get to live in my own house or shall I say my parents home. Nobody financially helps me, my parents haven't gave me a penny. My mum took all my gold off me. She never buys me clothes, when she has to she swears and cusses. When I was in Pakistan even if I brought food from the shopping aisle she would shout and diss and say "she hate us".

Right now I'm living off benefits as bad as it sounds because they won't let me work and being honest I'm 6 months pregnant. My mum has still not come back, they are horrible to me on the phone, when I say come back they blame all bad in their life on me - every financial loss they have had to every illness they have. I'm an only child.

All I ever wanted was love which I'm not getting from nowhere. To be honest my new husband just wants England he doesn't care about me. I can't discuss anything with him or he goes and makes it a public matter or starts trying to make me look bad. They think I am stupid and bad and a sinner and even Allah hates me 🙁 Life's been a battle.

I have just found out my parents have sold our family business, they have sold land and places in Pakistan which they always said were mine, they even blame me for the loss of the business if I bring it up which I had no connection to! All my life they've always complained about money . They had no other child but this is how they treat me.

I don't know if I'm the bad one, if something is wrong with me but I can't take it anymore. Now my mum and dad are blackmailing me again that if I don't leave my home town which I've lived in all my life and get council housing where my grandparents and aunties live who I hate, they'll disown me. Over the slightest things they say they'll disown me and in the end they get their way and I'm the one left unhappy.

And now they have a new demand that I have my baby and take it Pakistan and live there when my husband comes he can stay here alone and work etc. I'm fed up. They don't love me. My mum won't come back to England and they blame everything on me. I don't remember many happy days, nobody loves me, they hate my friends, they expect me to have no friends and never go out the house even to buy food, they expect God knows what.

And now I think they expect me to give them my child whom I've always yearned for, someone I could call my own. They've left me in my hard time they only answer my phone when they want, they never ring me, if I buy anything for the baby they have fits and expect me to give them anything I have even out my benefits everything.

Life is just awful. I don't feel like living anymore. I don't want my baby to be blackmailed like me and be made a fool of. My mother curses me says bad about me. My dad listens to her he never has once gave my side he is as bad as her. I'm here all alone not allowed out, pregnant, no friends, nobody - going through all this.

Since I was a child my mum would hit me. I remember when I was really little she took my cloths off, locked me in a room and beat me with a wire. I remember up on till about 17 her hitting me. I remember my aunties hitting me, my dad hitting me. They would beat me anytime I ever said I want to go back to england or I refused for marriage.

I know I've done some bad in life as well but being honest I just needed a space. I regret my bad, I apologised, I have asked Allah for forgiveness, I have changed but they still aren't happy with me. It kills me knowing they'll block me every time I ring and I want answers.

Am I crazy or something? I don't want to ever go Pakistan in my life. I want a better life for my child, the happiest ever. They won't be the parents I want, they've left me here like a dog. So many nights I sleep hungry, I cry and cry, no heed, I feel at times even Allah is turning a blind eye.

They make out that they are the victims and I am the bad one, that I have shamed them and I deserve the worst in the world. I'm trapped. What shall I do? What shall I think? I just want to die at times.

My mother is now saying that if I get a council house where her parents and sisters live she will come only for 2 months, but I don't no whether to believe her. All the people around are gossips. Her sister my Aunty to my face is nice and says will support me but on the phone to my mum it's another story and she makes me out to be the culprit . I've always been scared of losing my parents but I feel as if it is enough now. Will somebody please help me advice me? I have been abused as a child hut deep down I feel as if my mum knows but she just turns a blind eye somebody please help . Thank you.

Mystery lady


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7 Responses »

  1. Please leave...I beg off you please leave..

    I know how you feel.. I know what it is to feel trapped and lost and abused. I have gone through some personal stuff of my own because of my family which I won't go into right now but I wish I can just come and hug you till all your pain disappear. I understand that your are doing this for your parents, I come from the same culture. I can understand the pressure it is for a girl, that she must always please and think about her parent. Oh Allah protect me from hypocrisy, I may not be strong myself, but I am giving the advise, because I can relate to your story. I can understand your turmoil, your tears even if no one in your family can see. I wish I can come and just take you away, from that house, that family and the pain that your currently in.

    But you need to be brave. You are a mother now, that baby even though it is not born right now, but it is already here, growing inside of you. You need to protect this child and love this child and be the mother that you wish your mother is.

    To do that you need to get out, leave. Go to a shelter or an organisation, get help. If you truly think that your husband is using you for visa then report it. Alhumdullah you are not in pakistan, but here in UK, where you can get help. Once your in pakistan again, then your life will be ruined. You won't be able to get any help from anyone. I am not trying to scare you but trying to tell you the advantage that you currently have.

    I know you are scared, but you need to do this for yourself, if not for yourself, then your child. If you won't do this for your child, then you will never be able to forgive yourself. And if you stay with your family, they will never let your child have any respect for you.

    If you are afraid of your parents, then lose contact with them. When you feel brave enough to stand up to them, and are confident of yourself, then do get into contact with, I don't know if this is a bad advise or not but Allah knows, that I am saying this with the best intention possible. Inshallah Allah will give all the strength, Inshallah this baby will give the strength, to make your life, your child life better.

  2. Sister im sorry to hear this.This is unislamic and shaitan as played a big part and nobody knows but you.I think you are smart and have Iman for you are still in one piece.There is away and between you and Allah know.Just ask at tahajjud after 2 rakats late at night and cry to Allah for his help.Keep in mind Allah is very kind and merciful and is always forgiving no matter how much we have done bad in the past? only until Death comes upon us then its all over.The End. My advice go see a sunni muslim who is a mufti.... if you can.The otherway is build focus on your confidence if he is not for you .you can divorce him and say it im taking kullah. Build on education so you can be independant and hit the road. maybe youll get some respect and love...but remember this your parents are a test for you and as long as you are learning and practicing your faith until death.You will be a very happy person and those who were harsh and abusive will have to answer to Allah on the day of JUDGEMENT. If it gets bad call the cops and go to the womens shelter of abused women.But have a backup plan ..Imagine if you had a degree in any field you can work anywere in the world....Another thing came to mind Be patient and dont get other people involved

  3. Wow l can't believe what you did for them you need to take a stand for yourself the baby you have is yours no one can take the baby away from you l am sorry what you have to go through but you need to stand for yourself you need to put your courage all together and start saying No you need to say No. Get a divorce you stay in England no one can help you except you. You have to show your family you got a voice too you are not stupid you know stuff too. If you can't do it for yourself at least think for the baby.

  4. Salaam dear sister im sorry to hear wht ur going and wht u have already gone through.. I can understand ur pain very well. I wish i could help u somhow if nothing alse i wish i could just set with u talk to u and hug u. Its so sad to hear that some perents could be this crule to their own children.. U have gone through alot for ur perents and secrifised alot for them but its sad to hear they dont understand this or ur pain. Dont worry too much sister. Allah is with u. Inshaallah he will reward u for all ur suffering. Trust in allah do lots of ebadat make alots of dua.

    U may not like my advice but i think this is the right thing for u to do now. Like its been said in above comment dont contact ur family or perents and dont go back to pakistan. plz sister never ever go back to pakistan for the sake of ur child. U already knw if u go to pakistan how ur perents treat u and force u to do things u dont want to do. Theres no garentee that this time ur perents will be good to u and wont hurt u either phsicaly or mentaly. If thyr not good to u over the phone then how do u expact them to be good after u go to pakistan. In my persnol opinion Where u live now is much better then going back to pakistan. May be its not soo good for u but it could be safe enviroment for u child to grow up. I think u need to reach out and get some help for ur self. Im sure u will get some sort of help from the people in england. U just need to find ur way. Talk to ur gp or any other organistion which offers help ither financily or emotionaly. Search for them over the Net im sure theres lots who will diffently help u.

    Allah knows ur intions sister i also dont want u to be away from ur perents but the way ur perents are tearting u is not ecceptable. U need to think about ur child as well as ur self. The way the have been treating u so far is not normal. Allah knows best sister i would also adivse u to pray salatul estikhara and ask allah for help.

    As for ur hasband u have lived with him so should have some idea of how he will treat u and behive with whn he gets his visa and starts living with u. If u think he will abuse u or treat u badly then i think u shuldnt try to get him visa or anything alse. This is just wht i think but ur the one who has to make choice and take a step toward a better future for ur self n ur child. May allah forgive me if i have given any wrong advise.

    Dont forget to Take care of ur self

  5. Ohh man sister I'm sorry to hear, it is never to late to turn to Allah and make dua. Your strong Mashallah, may Allah make it easy for you Ameen.

  6. Salam sis

    I know in Islam it says obey your parents. But I don't agree when islamicaly they are wrong.

    Makes me cry when I hear your story because I was once to wed a man and we were very much in love and I know we would have been happy. All my family didn't agree because he was arab. Now I'm 33 , no job, no kids, no proposals and you know I chose my family over him and now they say marry whoever you want your growing old. My heart hurts when I think of him and the life I could have had.

    So this is why I say. Leave and live. Your parents and family have used you. Be strong and be aware of people these days especially the ones u think love u. Leave get your own council flat and in a different city. And be happy with your child and god wiling you will meet someone. But I'm telling you. Your either going to end up killing urself or go mad. So sis please for your own health and imam. Leave.

  7. Hi, Mystery lady. I'm so, so sorry for what you've endured. You know what impressed me about your story? Your strength. You feel weak, maybe, like you want to die, but you are so strong. Your attitude is good and you understand that they are wrong. You have already done a lot independently. You're also in the UK, which is much safer for you, it sounds like.

    Your parents treated you terribly and blame you for their problems, but want your child? No, please do not give them your child. I'm glad you're against that. And please try to eat enough, it's for the baby.

    They threaten to disown you, but they already have in many ways. They've lied to you, they've taken from you, they've sold off things they said they'd give you, they forced you into two marriages and held you against your will. They broke UK law by taking you to Pakistan the way they did. What good would it do to stay in contact with them? I know it's really, really, really hard to step away, but I believe you'd be better off on your own. Emotionally, physically, legally, and even financially. Your child shouldn't have to deal with all of the horror you've faced. Your parents sound like the type who commit "honor killings." I'm not saying they would, but the stories I've read all start like this.

    As for your husband, he sounds selfish, and he will probably treat you indifferently or worse when he's in the UK. Please talk to a counselor about this, and consider reporting him. You can live on your own or with a roommate. I bet there are other women out there who would understand your situation. You might even qualify for a shelter right now. You will be a wonderful role model for your child, who will see that their mother protected them, took care of herself, and created a new life for you both.

    I don't live in the UK, but I looked up some organizations that might help you if you want. Some are just for people on their own without support; others are specifically for issues that Muslim and/or immigrant women might face.

    Women's Help Centre: 0121 551 2370, womenshelpcentre @ yahoo.co.uk
    Supportline: 01708 765200
    Alone in London: 020 7278 4224
    Manningham Project: 0844 848 7904, women-only sessions on Wednesday (f you're in Manningham)
    Freedom Charity: helps those in forced marriages. 0845 607 0133, or text 4freedom
    to 88802, or download the app
    Get Connected Helpline: 0808 808 4994 mainline,
    Shelter: 0808 800 4444, info @ shelter.org.uk
    Amina Muslim Women’s Helpline, Scotland: 0808 801 0301
    Muslim Youth Helpline: 0808 808 2008, help @ myh.org.uk
    Ashiana: help for women (esp. from South Asia) who are experiencing violence and family trouble, 0208 539 0427, info @ ashiana.org.uk
    P3: social services, 0115 850 8190
    Karma Nirvana: 0800 5999 247, forced marriages and dishonor violence
    Govt.'s Forced Marriage Unit: 020 7008 0151, fmu @ fco.gov.uk.
    National Childbirth Trust (NCT): 0300 330 0700
    Tommy’s the baby charity: 0800 0147 800, staffed by midwives for non-emergency questions

    Supportline's website has a lot of websites and phone numbers for things like forced marriage. The government website has a handbook you can download about the forced marriage. Don't be embarrassed to reach out. They're usually there because someone strong like you survived a situation and wants to help others get through the same. You're not alone; a lot of other Muslims and others have been through similar things and come through.

    I'm wishing you the very best. You are so strong already! I will be thinking about you.

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