Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife says she loves me but likes herself more than me


single man on park bench

I have a question with regard to marriage. Is there a possibility of your wife loving you dearly but not being sexually satisfied with you.?  If that happens what should a husband do?

My wife loves me dearly and waited for 10 years until I finally admitted my feelings for her and we got married. 6 months into the marriage I realized that she was satisfying herself watching porn videos. She even went to the extend of having sex and then moving to the next room to watch the videos and satisfy herself.

This is causing too much pain in my heart. Please help me.


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3 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in with your wife. It sounds to me like she might have an addiction to pornography. Even though we hear of these kind of addicitons more often in men than women, they do exist.

    Brother, let me assure you, that if this is the case it has nothing to do with you not being "good enough". Sexual addictions are often more deeply rooted than it just being an issue of you not satisfying her. If you try to compare yourself to the porn, you will never measure up because there is an endless supply of stimulation coming from that which no human can ever match.

    I would suggest you tell your wife that she needs to stop watching what's haraam. If she cannot leave it alone on her own, urge her to get professional help to assist her with this. Another suggestion is to talk to her about what she likes when being intimate, and ask her what type of things she might like you to try with her that could help her more easily break this habit.

    I just want to stress to you again not to take her behavior personally to your heart. I can tell you that there are many women who are married to men with the same issue, and it's a natural tendency to blame oneself and think that there is a way to fix the problem by being more attractive, fit, witty, etc. Nevertheless, even if you became her ideal version of you, she would likely still struggle with this problem. You said she loves you dearly and clearly you love her, so now is a time to share that love by helping her find a way to escape this.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Assalaamu alaikum brother.
    Sorry to hear about your wife, her behaviour is wrong and she may have an addiction. If this is the case, it is unlikely to be about you, so please do not let her actions make you feel inferior in any way. However, rather than straight away telling her its wrong, have you tried talking to her about why she does it? I say this because if you immediately chastise her or tell her its wrong she make close up on you. Give her the chance to talk to you and find out why she does this. (Be gentle, concerned and listen as you will get a better response InshaAllah.) Then once you've got her to open up, let her know its wrong for her to watch such things. Quote a hadith and let her know you'll support her in giving up this bad deed.

    Another likely 'theory' is she may have fallen into the trap of watching pornography from a younger age. If this happens the person grows up with unrealistic expectations of sexual relations. In reality intimacy is not always so passionate, it is sometimes good and other times not so good. I have very little knowledge on this matter so I may be wrong but it may help if you are more adventurous sexually. Remember that generally women do not get satisified so much from full intercourse, generally foreplay works better. Women have very sensitive skin especially neck, ears etc. So before intercourse touch and caress your wife, find out what she likes and take a lot of time on this. Do say the dua each time before intercourse. Vary positions and places in the house. But make sure you abide by islamic guidlines of course (no sex while fasting, while she is menstruating, no anal sex. Also only use other rooms if your house is not shared etc, make sure Qur'ans are not out. etc.

    Please forgive me for my forward manner in answering. I have tried to advise as nicely as possible. May Allah forgive me if there are any other mistakes in this answer.

    May Allah swt help your wife break this habit and give you both a happy, blessed marriage.

    Sara Editor

  3. General advice to stay away from pornography/masterbation take from another post:

    First and foremost: STOP watching porn, no matter if its les or straight sister its still a sin! Make Tawbah. Really think about the fact that you have disobeyed Allah swt. Your eyes will testify against the sins you commited with them on Yawmul Qiyamah. Think about that next time you get tempted.

    You MUST also AVOID being alone. Avoid especially being on your computer alone. Maybe make an excuse to your family and move it to a shared part of the house. When you get tempted do something else. Do zikr, repeat tasbih, GO STRAIGHT away to a room where people are present, do some exercise. Just do ANYTHING to keep your mind off it.

    Avoid anything which could arouse you, love books, tv or love films. Lower your gaze if you see a scantily clad person in the street lower your gaze. Avoid watching anything suggestive. You get the message - you must be very strict with this!

    Next time you feel the temptation.. Remember Allah is watching you. Remember that we do not know when we will die.
    Ask yourself: "what happens if I die while I am engrossed in such activities." We know we are raised up doing what we were doing before we die. Audhobillah! May Allah save the Ummah from being raised engaged in such things!

    Also fasting is important too. You need to build your relationship with Allah swt as much as you can. Remember that He is watching you always. He knows us inside out. He knows your intention, He knows your desires, sins, and weaknesses and you know what? He still loves you, and He'll help you to change anything you want to change about yourself. Dont despair if you ask for forgiveness sincerely and make intention to stop He will forgive you.

    InshaAllah you will find yourself strengthened after Ramadan, so improving your eman through fasting, praying, zikr is important. Night prayers also are very good at strengthening a believer. ASK of Allah, Ask Him continously to help you stay away from this sin.
    Maybe keep some notes near to the computer or TV which will remind you Allah is watching you.

    Here are some notes which may help InshaAllah:

    The whispering of the devil is the starting point of all evil deeds. It begins as a whisper and turns into an evil thought. Then the devil pictures the thought in your mind and turns it into a desire,which later becomes a will.He then makes you forget all the consequences and belittles the outcome of the sin,until you see nothing but the fulfilment of your lust. It is in this stage that the devil dispatches his soldiers to urge you to achieve your desires whenever you show any neglience.
    (Ibn Qayyim - Tafsir Surah Nas)

    This is exactly the process we go through before a sin so identifying it helped me a lot alhumdulilah.

    18 Ways To Survive In Temptation Island!!

    Yes, it's hard, especially when you're constantly bombarded with obscene images: that hot, scantily clad guy or gal in the magazine luring you; or the persistent emphasis on sex in the movies (even Toy Story or Spider Man!); or the pervasive links to pornography while you may simply be checking your e-mail. How can you protect yourself from all of this?

    1. Don't forget the power of Allah's Remembrance (Dhikr)!
    It is the most powerful of all the defences. Regular reading of prescribed Du'as will develop your Taqwa (consciousness) and keep you mindful of what thoughts you entertain. Ya Khabeeru (The One who is all-aware): constant recitation will decrease your nafs

    2. Remember your Accountability to Allah.
    In Islam, you're fully accountable as soon as you understand and feel such temptations. Your eyes will testify about what you looked at on the Day of Judgment.

    3. Always walk with your gaze lowered.
    But make sure not to bump into a hydro post! Lowering the gaze does not mean that you cannot have any 'eye contact' as you walk or during a conversation. It means that you keep your eyes under control.

    4. Take the Right Seat!
    In a public place (e.g. café), choose a seat that minimizes your view-frame and avoid mixed-crowds. It is precisely about such comfortable gazing at the attractive features of the passers-by that the Prophet (SAW) advised 'Ali ibn Abi Talib: "Ali, do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." (Ahmad, Abu Dawud, at-Tirmidhi.)

    5. Hangout with those known for noble character and modesty.
    When you are around good people, they can remind you to abstain from that which Allah dislikes. As the Prophet (SAW) said, "A person is likely to follow the faith of his friends, so be careful about who you make your friend." (Ahmad.)

    6. Avoid friends that are into immoral movies, music, dirty jokes etc.
    Such activities are the tools of Shaytan that promote the idea of 'love based on looks' or 'love at first sight'. Such friends would take you into an artificial world of fantasies and false hopes, away from reality, before it's too late!

    Therefore, either you help your friends change through gentle advice, or abandon frequent contact with them. As Allah warns us: "If anyone withdraws himself from Allah's remembrance, Most Gracious, We appoint for him an evil one to be his intimate companion."
    [43: 36.]

    7. Avoid visiting malls and parks alone.
    Always try to go out with a family member or a good friend, whose company may help you avert your eyes from the objectionable billboards and inappropriately clothed people. In summer, step out only when you have to.

    Surf or Watch TV when others are around. The temptation to sneak a look at dirty pictures is heightened when you're alone in your room watching TV or surfing the Internet. Shaytan's primary target is always a lonely person! Try to avoid late night TV and Internet surfing.


    9. Never have 'nothing to do'!
    Shaytan loves 'bored and idle' people. If you are feeling bored, do the dishes, or take out the garbage, or read some book. Allah says, "Do not throw yourself into destruction with your own hands." [2: 195.]

    10. Volunteer for Islamic Organizations.
    Your Jihad against immorality in the society is one reason for you to join Muslim youth groups in your community. Your involvement with such activities, along with the love of helpful brothers or sisters struggling for a good cause, will keep your mind, energies, and thoughts focused away from the Haram.

    11. Read, Read, and Read!
    Yes, read as many Islamic books and articles as possible. Reading keeps your mind and eyes busy! It keeps you motivated to live your Islam and strengthens your relationship with Allah.

    12. Always remember that the beauty of this world is temporary and the life hereafter is everlasting.

    13. Observe voluntary fast to strengthen your willpower and to cool your passions. The Prophet (SAW) strongly recommended the youth to make it a habit.

    14. If you are able and responsible then get married for the sake of Allah. It may be one of the most effective, yet challenging, defence mechanisms against such temptations.

    15. For Brothers, remember your Mom and Sister.
    Disgusting right? Exactly! No sane person would look at his mom or sister the way many of us examine the girls on TV shows or stare at our Muslim sisters in social gatherings. This thought should sicken you enough to stop Insha-Allah.

    16. Remind yourself of the Death and Hereafter often.
    "Remember often the terminator (or destroyer) of all the pleasures [i.e. death]," the Prophet (SAW) reminded us. (at-Tirmidhi.)

    17. Increase your Good Actions.
    Try following the advice of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW): "Remain conscious of Allah and fear Him wherever you are. And follow a bad deed with a good deed which will wipe it out, and behave well towards people." (at-Tirmidhi.)

    18. Repent and Return to Allah.
    Allah is All-forgiving and loves those who return to Him, promising not to repeat their sins. "Ask forgiveness from your Lord, then turn towards Him in repentance; He will loosen the sky over you in abundance, and He will add strength unto your strength." [11: 52]

    Sara Editor

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