Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Living an undesired life

amnesia sleepy tired no energy tired mum

Assalam u alaikum. I am married woman 28 years old living with my husband and his family including mother, sister and 2 brothers. 4months have passed and i feel like driven by my MIL. I can't keep my likes dislikes, I have to do what she says and how she says to do.

I started cooking 1 month after my marriage. I had the skills my mother taught me, obviously everyone's cooking style are different. but my MIL is always forcing me to cook according to her method. She has made a routine in house in which her day starts with house maid at 11 a.m. Before marriage my preference was we will start our day with fajr, completing house chores early so that everyone has plentiful personal time. with current routine i cant rest even for 8 hours a day because I have to wake up early for my husband who goes to office then spend my time somehow until others wake up. In short, I can not follow my routine I wished I'll maintain in MY house. Also while cooking she never let me cook in my way what my mom has taught me, she always forces me to do it her way. Also she's overburdened me with house works, most of the daily works are in my duties now. I frequently think if I could maintain my own routine (if I'd be living in MY house) I'll be managing everything my way. I severely feel an emptiness within me. I had dreams about making a house, which was MY house, and everything will be proper thier with perfect routines.

Whenever I ask my husband for separation he argues that "if it's your brother instead of me, will you ask him to leave his parents?". In short, he cannot realize how puppet i'm feeling right now and I just don't know when will this end, when will i get my own space, my own house I could make. Also my MIL is a big complainer. she complains atleast 3 to 6 times for a single mistake. She's so much like a cat person, she never ever let me or others to enter her personal space and personal time, but she expect me to be open with her. I mostly remain courteous about work and give my help anytime she requires or not, I have always been their for her help neglecting my rest, my personal preferences. but she has always been strict with her duties only, repulsive when mistakenly asks for any help and unwelcoming. the thing which bothers me is,my parents never asked me across my limits, they cared for me regarding my health. But here the situation is ppl are so much demanding but careless. I feel out of this place, where no one (including my husband) is realizing my depression level. I want separation or to run away of this all. help. if nothing could happen, Suggest me ways to run away from my relatives and husband too.

asky


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2 Responses »

  1. If you think these are problems than you are lucky than. You haven't seen real problems with mother in law these days.

    These are little issues which you Should be the bigger person and just do. I'm not saying be a slave but just respect her too since you are under her roof. These are honestly little issues and if you can't overcome them I suggest you talking to your family and moving out.

  2. Bismillah.

    Assalamualeiku Mrs. Asky

    The current condition in the home is really disturbing. This is a very sensitive issue but people most of the time overlooked its severances.

    Without proper attention to it, the marriage can damage permanently. Therefore, there’s the need for a proper advice and ways out for our Muslim ladies to follow for a successful marriage.

    Learning how to manage your feelings is very essential here Mrs. Asky, especially in taking care of your wellbeing and protecting your marriage as well.

    Let me walk you through the best I could, on some of the ways to deal with your MIL while maintaining peace and harmony in the home.

    1. Identify and deal with your common problems.

    I think this should be your first move. At times like this, you need to get the reason behind your MIL’s behavior, why she’s so difficult towards you (her child’s new lover)

    She may feel that you’ve taken her place in the heart of her child, i.e. she may feel less important to the man or see him as a boy she gave birth to rather than seeing her as someone’s husband.

    You see that? So take it easy dear! Get to comprehend her reasoning and never take it too personal. This way, I think will be easier to deal with.

    2. Keep and emotional distant from her for a while

    She is your husband’s mother, hence your mother too. But until the relationship is better, think of her as an acquaintance and not your mother, this is the hard truth though. Let this be in your mind but make sure you give her all the respect she needs.

    3. Keep some distance, now physically.
    How far? Well, not across the country. But you also don’t have to show up at every function. You should not interfere between your spouse and his family.

    4. Avoid stepping on her tail. i.e. Identify and avoid the things that always makes her blood boil.

    5. Never be impatient with her. If you couldn’t avoid a conflict, respond honestly and don’t be rude.

    6. Never feel unnecessary guilt. She may be attempting to use guilt as a tool to control you. So whenever you see that she want to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, never mine. She’ll became tired one day and give up.

    7. Think about you husband. Sometimes you just have to let go for the sake of your relationship. Suck it up and behave well for the sake the happiness of your husband. Don’t forget to continue praying though.

    What should you do then if this does not help after a reasonable time period?

    Well, if it doesn’t work out (which I think it will), this is the time to define your boundaries, make it known and enforce it. Make sure you include your husband. Let it be compassionate but firm.

    With this approach, if the lines you drew are crossed, and your husband will not also stand for you, then it’s save for you to assert your rights for attention.

    Jazak-Allah khairan katheeran
    Abdullah
    Blogger @ Seekers Elite (http://seekerselite.com)

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