Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Living in Constant Fear…. How do I overcome this?

Anxiety, anxious, worried.

Anxiety's vicious circle.

As Salaam wa Alaikum,

When I say living in Fear  I do not mean of Allah (do not get me wrong I do fear the Almighty ), the fear I’m talking about is of all humans. I find it so hard to stand up for myself. To fight for something I believe in. I’m always scared, even when there is a response in my mind I keep quiet and I don’t respond. I feel like such a weakling, scared of everyone. Of my family, of the people I work with, of speaking out for something I believe in. I feel like I’m just flowing through life without making any decisions of my own. Just always so scared- I hate confrontation and I’ll do anything to avoid it but in doing so my choice and aspirations are getting squashed. I’m scared of how they will react if I do contradict them or disagree with them, but I fear that response so much its unnatural and irrational.  I don’t think it’s right or even natural to fear other human beings this way, is there anything that can help me overcome this overwhelming fear of speaking up for myself.


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6 Responses »

  1. You have an anxiety disorder. A mental illness. A lot of people suffer from mental illness. It is best to get this treated right away or it will get worse. There are health care professionals who can teach you to fix it with medication and psychotherapy. You need to see your doctor. If you do not treat this it will get worse and could become a more severe illness like schizophrenia or depression. It is then difficult to fix. Other things like hobby and sports will help you also

  2. Salam Zahra,

    There are kids that grow up in families where the parents fight a lot. Sometimes these kids grow up to be adults that avoid confrontation. They just don't want to argue all the time like their parents did. This affects their relationships too because they won't confront the person on what's bothering them, they will just leave. I recommend talking to a psychologist and also reading the Quran with meaning.

    These verses should help:
    Sahih International
    No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being - indeed that, for Allah , is easy -

    In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful -

    Work on reducing your fear of confrontation, whatever will happen to you is written for you as a test. Right now this fear of confrontation is a test for you and you should work on removing this fear. Practice arguing with people, see if you can get into debates and learn to confront people on their mistakes.

  3. Asalam Alekum

    I am in the same boat as you.

    mines harder though
    coz I made the biggest mistake in my life and that was getting married to somebody I hated, I chose him myself as well. It was to run away from all that mental abusing from my parents

    The first night of my marriage I realised I made a mistake. Now I have children from him and my parents aren't that supporting of me.

    Keep me your Du'as please

  4. Hi Zahra1,

    What you are going through has to be so frustrating and painful. Because of this, If I were you, I would begin by being kind to yourself and giving yourself a break. Try not to beat yourself up over situations where you feel you could have or should have said this or that. The reality is that there is more than one way to handle many situations and problems, and we all react differently based on our own life experience....the way we react or don't react isn't necessarily better than what you may see or hear others doing. And sometimes, there may be an even better opportunity for you to express yourself and be heard, waiting just around the corner. Have you ever thought of writing out your comments, opinions, and the like? Maybe an internet blog on something interesting to you or just a general "Musings from Zahra" type of blog would be an easier place to express yourself. It may not solve your yearning for spontaneous communication, but it will give you an outlet for your thoughts, many of which I'm sure will benefit others. If you don't want to do that, you could post on sites like this in response to others...I'm sure you have thoughts that are valuable to someone you don't even know.

    Also, it sounds like you do have some anxiety that is treatable with psychotherapy (or group therapy where you talk to others your age who are going through things) and/or medication as xoxox suggests. I was in therapy myself for 7 years (yours may not be as long if you choose to do it!) and it did wonders for my learning to stand up for can only stand up for yourself on your own, but it doesn't hurt to have someone (a therapist) in your corner!

    You could also try to look at this from another perspective. Growing up, I would often confront my parents about things I believed in and take a stand, and it was rarely welcomed or well-received...I suffered a lot in the process. in fact, it is only recently that some things started to sink in with them, and it has been a very long road. Are you growing up in a family environment in which you feel your thoughts are not really valued? If so, you are of course frustrated, but in that situation, expressing your views may have resulted in even greater frustration, as you would then be using/expending your energy, but still not being heard. The way you currently handle the situation, you may be saving yourself some energy! Now of course, I'm not suggesting you never speak your mind, but it may be that in your situation, expressing yourself outside your family might be easier than you think.

    Just some thoughts...I hope that inshallah things become easy for you, however you decide to handle them. I have said a dua for you too 🙂

  5. SALAM..
    sorry your wrong ..Fear Allah is the root.



    WITH THIS ROOT IN BEDDED DEEPLY IN THE HEART...WE HAVE TO TAKE INto CONSIDERATION that praying 5 times a day reading quran daily attending some program with a group of students learning from a scholor about deen..daily zikr morning and evening and most of all what we eat is it haram or halal were did it come from..who cooked the food was it a Hindu or a Sikh. These are give you a depth in reality. ..Also what are we watching and listening too...quran and music can never mix! Do you have pious practising muslims around you...or hypocrites .This all takes effect on our heart....because heart is like a mirror...If the mirror is clean it will shine and reflect with the light of Iman....You see the devil only stays away when Allah is remembered. ..that is why a hafiz quran must read at least 3 to 5 juz of quran ..because SHAITAN comes stronger when you reach levels..
    Anyways find a daily schedule for your iman must be constant and perticular about salat...learn how to pray correctly and properly this is the key..

    Warning: This is fact! Those who choose a life of fun and games only fullfilling there desires...Then know this that regardless of a person's intelligence or wealth he will never succeed in this world and in the hereafter punishment will be waiting for him..
    True success is Obeying Allah's commandments and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH. This is the only key to success happiness tranquility love patience and higher understanding of the actual purpose of life. ..Good luck be strong

  6. In my openion you just havr lack of self confidence, it is common in our society. Learn to blieve in you. There are some special clases for personality enhancement. If you cant go for clases then you can also youtube some video clips that can help you..

    Also learn about islam with the guidence of good scholars or mufti sahib ISLAM already has pre defined rules and regulation about whole life it will be a great help. Dont trust me ? Try it. Have some problem?

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