Living with a non-Muslim man who promised to convert to Islam before marriage.
Assalam o Alaikum,
I hope that you might be able to offer me advice to deal with my situation. I am 19 year old Muslim girl. I have been engaged and living with a non-Muslim man for about a year now. I hate to remember the dark and horrible place I was living in when we first met, I was thinking about suicide a lot due to different things those happened to my family at home. My father passed away when I was just 11 and my sister after a while started showing the signs of schizophrenia. It was very difficult time for me and I took to leaving the house and going to the library to find some peace. I wasn’t as strong in my faith then as I am now and I used to be very depressed and unhappy about my situation.
I met this man and we started talking and I found a good friend in him but he wasn’t a Muslim. We both got very involved with each other even though, I knew it was wrong. He asked me to marry him and told me that he would convert for me and I said I would marry him. He was living with a bad man who was a drug-dealer, ya Allah! I feel lost. I moved in with him not long after he asked me to marry him, because his roommate was abusive and I wanted to help my fiancé by being there to support him. I lived with my fiancé and drug-dealer for around three months before things went bad to worse. My fiancé and I had to leave that state where we lived; leaving my family behind and everything else we knew for fear of being killed by that guy.
I now live across the country with my fiancé and he is learning about Islam little by little but he is not making any headway. Sometimes, I feel though he doesn’t truly want to convert and he shows no enthusiasm for my beautiful religion. I try not to pressure him about converting because I know it will be wrong if he only converts for me. He has to do it for right reason but I feel as though he will never get there. We have had relations in the past and still do but I know deep down that it’s wrong and feel horrible about the entire situation. We both truly care for each other but I don’t see any future with him and want a better life. I don’t want to feel like doing everything wrong as my religion is a part of me and I don’t want to lose it. If I stay with him, I feel like I might not be able to hold onto my religion and I am not happy with him.
We fight all the time and he is over-protective of me and won’t let me go outside by myself unless he knows where I am going. Also he accuses me of keeping things from him and being ungrateful for the things he has provided me. We are poor and constantly have no money for anything at all, he collects disability allowance and doesn’t have enough money to take me to my family as well as keep the apartment we have here. I have tried to leave him before but he threatens to kill himself. I think sometimes that only way can have my faith and a halal life is if I ruin his! I don’t want to do this. I have even contemplated leaving him to live in the homeless shelter until I somehow make enough money to go home to my family.
I have never had a job and I have tried very hard to get one but no success. I feel trapped and depressed and like I do not deserve to live. I try to offer 5 times prayers and offer prayers that I have missed (qada) in the past but sometimes I miss more prayers and it weighs me down. I feel as though even if I do all my prayers, it will be for nothing because I am living and sleeping with a non-Muslim man who has no intention of embracing Islam.
Alhamdullilah! I am not pregnant and in good health but, I feel I have nowhere to turn for help and no money for anything. He is a good man and says he will help me go to college here like I wanted to but, it doesn’t feel right for me anymore. I don’t want my life to be wasted by waiting for a man to convert while I am sinning everyday just by living under the same roof with him.
Please advise me what to do and how to deal with this situation. Jazakallah for any help!
Muslimah
8 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakatuh Sister Muslima,
I am happy to read your post. It is a sad story but I am happy to read what you wrote.
Sister, you have already taken a decision in your mind. Masha Allah, Allah had made you think and realize since long time that you are doing wrong, so none of us can give you any better advice than what Allah has inspired in your already.
You have made a decision to leave him, so leave him and hold fast to Allah. On one side you have Allah and Jannah, Gardens of Eternity and pleasure waiting for you and on the other side you have this man whom you say does not advance in Islam, is involved in drugs and does not take up the religion seriously, which are all inspirations of Shaytaan and a way to Hell Fire.
Leave him right away or else this action may lead you to : Hell Fire, Hell Fire, Hell Fire.
You rightly said prayers of 5 times will be zero in meaning when you sleep with a man, a non Muslim and that too without marriage.
So give some meaning to your life sister, give some meaning to your worship. Masha Allah, I see you have an urge to change, get out of this shell of captivity of sorts and want to develop the Islam in you. Insha Allah you will.
As soon as you can, say Bismillaah and leave this guy and go to a place where you feel protected and no one troubles you. Also if there is a mosque near by, you may go and meet some sisters there who are co-ordinators or the Imam and discuss your plight and tell them you need help genuinely to get back to your family. The other option is contacting your family directly. If possible do that, ask them to arrange for your travel back home.
If you try both the above things and still not find some way, do contact us again any time you feel. We are here to help you in all ways we can, possible withing our limits and not just by words.
Say Bismillah sister. Pack your bags and move out. Do not stay a single night with a non Mahram man. Keep your security your top priority. Once you feel secure, only then move out or take a step. First see your situation and if you need to contact local civil protection authorities, do that as well.
Think about how much you can do, what would be the best way to move away and where to go. Think well befor taking a major step. Think well about your security. I think you have already decided this and know ways of doing it.
Plus: If anyone does suicide, it is wrong on their own part. Most guys try to black mail girls this way. Some people do suicide as well. But in anycase, you tried, gave him chance and if does not understand than you are not responsible for it in anyway.
So Insha Allah, Allah is with you. Do not let your aakhirah be ruined due to any one.
We pray for you and do write back to this post again when you see further responses.
Remember we are your brothers and sisters and ready to help you in anyway we can. Just do not worry, alright? I hope you don't. Trust Allah and move ahead.
May Allah protect you.
* * *
As salamu alaykum, Sister Muslimah,
Brothermuniib has given you an excellent response, I will give you some inspirational readings from IslamicSunrays, you may enjoy them, insha´Allah.
http://islamicsunrays.com/low-imaan-dont-get-discouraged/
http://islamicsunrays.com/knowing-who-to-believe/
http://islamicsunrays.com/accept-the-life-that-is-waiting-for-you/
http://islamicsunrays.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-bankrupt/
Sister, I understand the words of Brothermuniib, he appreciated the Light inside of the Darkness that you are living in, and you cannot look anymore to other side and the man you are with is not walking at your side, it seems that you have let him back in time and space, you don´t feel anymore the connection to him.
He can suicide, if he wants to do it, you won´t be able to do anything about it, many years ago, I had a very close person, that was having a severe depression, came to me and told me wanted to suicide, I don´t know how I could do it, but I said: I respect you, I love you and whatever is your decision, it is your decision, and I respect it. This person wanted me to feel guilty and to give me the responsibility of the death, I gave it back to this person, it is their life, it is their choice, it is their responsibility. My message was if you want me to help you, I will, I will give you my hand to hold while I have the strength and you need it, but in a point, I wouldn´t respect myself if I don´t let you go to do your own life, because that would mean I am making you dependant on me, that someway I am manipulating you and I am letting myself being manipulated by you, I don´t want that in my life, insha´Allah, I ask Allah(swt) to have my eyes open related to this, but I know this was and still is my personal choice, Alhamudulillah.
Get stronger in Allah(swt), you are being guided, all this impulses to do the straight are shouting to you, Alhamdulillah. You have begun the process already, I know you will do the right steps to go back home and be with your family, if you think about what you had, you left what you felt was hell and coming out of your house you entering directly to hell (drug dealer, killer, zinaa, ...) now you have been recovered for the Light, Alhamdulillah, Allah(swt) loves you, I couldn´t see a greater sign of His Love than your need to get out of being back in the Straight Path, Alhamdulillah.
Can you contact your mum and tell her you want to return?
When you talk to this man be cautious, you don´t know how he will react when he knows you want to leave him.
If you want to feel secure about the steps to take look for Allah´s guidance, put yourself in His Hands(swt) until you are safe back home, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Muslimah,
As the mother of three girls, I say to you...call your mother. See if you can go home. You are young and although you have made some bad choices in your young life, you recognize them. You have taken some positive steps in your life to work towards being a better Muslim and that is a wonderful step forward. Seriously, call your mother. It will be the best phone call you will ever make.
Salaam
assalamualaikum
dear sis don't worry much insha allah eeverything would be alright soon. Whatever ur decided go ahead with that. if u need any sort of help just let me know insha allah i would try my best. If u live somewhere in australia insha allah i would be able to help u. Dont miss any of the salat n take care of urself
Allah hafiz
Dear Friend,
Just listen to your heart & your soul.Every religion teaches same thing.I mean the basis of every religion is the same.
What you have to see is listen To your heart & your soul (which is YOU).The things which has happened has happened.They only happen to make oneself awakened & concious.
Just try to be aware of your self from now onwards.
Be the only witness to your acts and do whatever you do from breathing,to eating ,sitting etc every little small thing with being aware and concious to yourself.
I would suggest do offer namaz but also meditate.
Don't forget Allah is everyone's creator.
Best Wishes,
Another thing first believe in Allah and yourself to have a relationship with someone for your own needs is not gonna lead any relationship anywhere it should be purely based upon love from both sides.
takecare.
Get out now before it is too late.
Maryam has not given you a good advice.
Love from both sides changes when you are living with someone.
Obvious, they were in love before they started living together.
A typical muslim girl story whose is fascinated by non-Muslim men
did you leave him ?
______
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!