Living with In Laws
I am recently married +/- 6 months now.
I am living with my inlaws. My husband and I does everything with my in-laws even go on every holiday together, go out every weekend with them.
I have spoken to my husband that we need our alone time together and we need to make our own decisions about stuff like going on holidays together.
Unfortunately my husband seems to think that i am complaining, ungreatful and that i do not like his family.
His family is wonderful towards me but it some times get to much.
What can I do to make myself not feel so stressed and make my husband happy?
Seeker
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In my opinion just go along with it, with his family coming with you, just think about it if he does the same thing with your family, if yes, then you shouldnt have any problem with his family. I am girl and my about to be fiance loves his family. As a women i think it is sometimes necessary for her to ignore her husband and do the things she enjoys in life, i know when ur in love it is really hard, but polietly request him, just take him outside with you, make plans yourself, make him feel that he wants to be with you alone instead you wanting that.
I completely disagree with Zara. A married couple needs their own space, their own time together in order to grow in love and understanding.
You also need to move out of your in-laws home if you expect your marriage to succeed and thrive. I suggest that you discuss this with your husband. Let him know that it's time to move out and establish your own home, and have your own children Insha'Allah. This is a part of the natural progression of life.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salamu alaykum, Seeker,
I agree with Wael, but I see too that if you aren´t financially able to have your own home, you will have to deal with this in the best way possible.
You should know what your husband think about your situation and which his ideas are for your future together, instead of supposing, because supposing will feed confusion between both of you. See what he really thinks and expects of your situation.
Once you have got to know his thoughts, you will have to do the next step, if he has ideas of moving with you alone, good, half of the way done; if not, get ready to prepare the way, try to see why he doesn´t want to move, once you know this, you have to act in consequence, trying to see how you can convince him or maybe his reasons are too strong. I cannot guess what he has in his mind, that is why you should communicate directly with him.
When you talk to him do it calm, soft tone of voice and tell him how much you appreciate his family and how grateful you are to them, but that you have the need of being alone with him, to build up a life as a family with its own roots. Go step by step. Tell him too that having your own time or place, means just that you two are a family, not that you are not going to share time with his family or yours.
Allah(swt) knows best.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSALAAMU ALIKUM MARIA
Unfortunately the above advice that you have given me I have tried before. When ever I approach my husband I speak softly and I never use disrespectfuly words. He has told me that we won't leave and that he won't choose me over his family (which is not the point of argument and not what I want from him). He misinterprets me and gets angry very quickly when the topic arises.
In all truth I am extremely insecure because he is the only son with three sisters and everything that they suggest he feels that I must be happy and go along with.
It is so hard that I withdraw and go quiet untill eventually a couple days later I will breakdown and I will start telling him how I feel. The same thing happens all the time we get into argurments.
I am really at a loss with this one and desperately need some solution to our problem.
Jazakallah
Seeker
Assalam seeker,
I was in the same situation like you some months back, exakly as you are describing. But things will change inshAllah after some times. But, believe me, your situation is much much more better than I was dear....
You are finding it hard because you are newly married and you expected to live seperately/have your privacy. But very often, especially in matters relating to marriages, we dont get wat we expect...and thats a reality that we have to handle.
I have been in exakly same situation. even my husband would not even listen about shifting, he would not get angry but he would simply change topic or stop talking about it. that was in the first couple of months....but then, inlaws problems blablabla....i prayed and prayed, i cried, i did lots of ibaadat, i asked Allah to give my husband the understanding and maturity to understand things better, to see things from a diferent point of view, more realistically...that if we have our own house, it doesnt not mean cutting ties with his parents...and here we are, we have shifted finally alhamdulillah!
Try make him realise that if moving out means cutting ties with parents, then, have u abandonned your own parents when you got married?? talk to him about your future together, how long he wants to stay under his parents roof, make it look like he needs to be more ambitious, encourage him in this sense, like when you will have kids inshAllah someDay, will you all be staying together still? tell him, that now that he is married, he needs to form his own family, plan your future and move ahead. keep on pressing the fact that you love his family, which im sure u do, but that u need to have your own little family.
You may want to take examples of others in your close relatives/friends who have moved out and are still happily married and have harmonious relations with their other families and parents.
and please do not worry too much about this problem, it is part of the growing up phase in life..and mind you dear sis, your hubby is not the only one who is such. 🙂 Most men are such, bcoz they tend to believe if they move out, people will think that they are hen-pecked and listen to wife etc....but very few deal with it in a mature way AT THE RIGHT MOMENT 🙂 but, inshAllah, you will soon find peace...and as you have said, your inlaws are loving towards you, so it is not soooooo difficult to bear with them some more time, be patient, do your namaz, read your Quran and Allah will reward you for that...InshAllah
Salaam
Naju
Asalaam
Hi Sister
I am in the same predicament as you. I was seeking guidance therefore I came across this. I was also a newlywed... (it is Masha'Allah 1and a half years now).... but I agreed to stay with his parents since it is only them. His sisters are married and moved away. He is the eldest child. I am a very family orientated person but our ideas of what family is completely differ.
We had said that we would move after a year, unfortunately due to finances we have not been able to do that. 3 months into the marriage I started experiencing problems with my mother in law. First she couldnt understand why my husband gave me so much attention. We then had a family discussion and everything got resolved. But since then things have got worse.
His mother causes arguments between whenever she sees us being happy. She has many insecurities that is why she always wants her sons attantion. The thing is she treats her own husband so bad. She explained when she was young she was forced to get married. She said she was very modern thnking and doesnt mind us going out. One example ... if you go out on our own then she will call...okay where are you?...what are you doing?... what time you coming back?... we can never go out ... we are treated like kids.
On weekends she will call her son and tell him okay wake up now and come down becuase im awake.... we have to do what ver she wants. My husband finally realised and told her to stop interfering. OMG!!! she became so different ...so quiet so good... I was finally happy. I thought maybe this can work. What i didnt realise is she was very conniving and vindictive. She got her daughters and his nani to tell him what to do so she doenst look like the erson who is controlling.
Thjings got so bad last year, I ended up in hospital to which my husband and mother in law said.. it was all my fault. I have no friends here and have no one to speak too since I dont want to back bite or speak ill of my in laws to anyone. Thses are the main issues we have but there are so many little issues in the house. Last year we got things sorted since it got out of hand. My husband decided we needed to move out and was focussed in getting money ( although it wont make much difference she is so obsessed with him that she is on facebook, she emails him at work ...she texts and calls him 24/7 that if we did get our own place she will be at ours every day)... which mother is on FB?!!!.... anyways i suggested another town to which he said no ...he wants a house a few streets away?!!!...
Everytime my mother in law realises she is not getting attention from her son then she makes my life hell. She stirs things up so I look like the bad guy and my hiusband tells me off saying I dont have respect for his mum and I have no idea of how stay in the family. I live with his family I work, clean the house, do all the cooking etc. His mum doesnt know how to cook or clean because she is too modern (but with backward thinking)... she sees her Son as her husband. She always asks her son to come with her everywhere when she should be asking th husband. She took him to a doctors appt with her for a female thing. i think that is disgusting... She thinks its normal... and my husband thinks its being part of the family. Everytime we leave in the morning he has to say byr even though its 6 am and shes asleep....when we come back then he has to to tell her I am now back home despite what time it is. When we finish work she wants her son to sit with her in the living rrom until she is ready to go up not relaising he is tired... or his wife now needs to spend time with him.
MY LIFE NOW... My husband does whatever the mother in law wants.. ( he is being respectful and being the part of the family)... she forces him to ring her relatives and his sisters everyday and speak to little kids on the fone (under 1 who cant even talk)....my family are not allowed to come here since my mum might brain wash me and do things against my mother in law(My Mum Masha'Allah is a sister of deen and she does no wrong )... When I sit with them i have to watch what they do on TV.... I am not allowed to be in laptop or phone. I sit watching the clock too see when it will hit 10pm so I can go bed. I dont spend no time with my husband only when i pick him from work for five mins journey. Normally she has already spoken to him and said bad things about me to which he shouts at me.
We have no arguments and our house has peace when I stop asking him to spend time with me. As long as he gives his mother attention 24-7 and he giver her relatives attention and does things for them then she is happy. She only thinks of herself and how other people see her. So I am alone sister... I know I havnt said anything to help your situation but just saying that we share similiar lifes. This is when you see those young children dying in war and famine killing kids in Africa that I pray to god... take me since im ready to go and spare of those childrens life for mine.
I Hope Allah s.w.t.... brings you happiness and success with your marriage.
Jazakhallah
Your post made me cry Aisha...im same situation like u....iwonder why mother in laws are such? arethey not a mother as well? 🙁
Salaams Sister
You mentioned that you tried speaking to your husband and he wouldn't listen. What if you speak to his mom about this. Do you have a good relationship with her? Explain to his mom how happy you are staying with them but you would like a place of your own. You want to manage your own place. Maybe his mom would understand and she could speak to him.
Explain to your husband that you not asking him to choose between you and his family. You could stiil go visit whilst staying seperately. Tell him that you married him, not the family. You guys need to spend quality time together. Ask him to take you out alone maybe for supper and discuss these issues with him. If he sees how much you hurting, then he really cares about you and would do something about it. But the big question is - Financialy are your'll able to stay on your own.?
Mine isn't exactly a response but I just want to share what's happening to me maybe someone out there can help I am in a situation were I stay with my father in law and three brothers in law. I didn't like the idea of ....
(Remainder of question deleted by Editor)
Dear Sister,
Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. May Allah improve your situation, put love in your family and reward you for your sabr and efforts with your family, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i cant stop laughing. i dont have to type anything all d abv comments said exactllllllllyyyyy what my problems r rite now. specially of sister Aisha, i think r mother in laws r same